mhowe Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Mostly it is your insolent attitude. Lol. We are giving you advice and you are covering your ease and yelling "nanananananNaH...I can't hear you." Bye. Link to comment
tig Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 And the advice is only to move on. Nothing else. While olesun's thread proves there's more to it. And I want to know about that and some specifics. I never even intended to come off as a but I do understand about moving on however I want to know what to do after that. Link to comment
thebigman Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 And the advice is only to move on. Nothing else. While olesun's thread proves there's more to it. And I want to know about that and some specifics. I never even intended to come off as a but I do understand about moving on however I want to know what to do after that. after you have moved on then it will not matter what you do because it won't be important to you. thats the point. if it happens after you have moved on then it will be a natural process. thats when you come to the getting back together forum, for when you need advice on a reconciliation in progress not when you are trying to pull one out of thin air. there has to be interest on her end before a reconciliation can happen and that isn't the case yet. you don't move on to win someone back because thats completely against the point of moving on and will hold you exactly where you are for a very long time. Link to comment
Glowguy Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Look - she broke up with you because you were clingy. If you keep reaching out to her all that does is reinforce your clinginess and confirm her decision anyway. There is no way that you would be able to approach her calmly and without resentment right now when the breakup is this fresh. You have to give it time to clear your head and get the proper perspective. Your judgement is not good right now - no one's is right after a break up - that's what everyone is trying to tell you. You cannot trust your own head right now. Your phrases are telling and they give you away. You say that you are "scouring the internet" for ways to get her back. That is clingy behavior and all you are doing is searching for stuff that reinforces your unrealistic viewpoint. Stop doing that. Also you keep saying you can "make her love you again". You don't own her. She CHOSE to love you and then CHOSE to breakup with her. You need to accept that those things are not under your control. Link to comment
tig Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 Listen I understand that my clinginess is the issue here as well as being too brazen sometimes and I understand that I need at least a month to sort this all out. I also understand that I may be talking out of my ass because it's only day two. Lastly my wording for "make her love me again" was propably incorrect due to English not being my native language. I don't want to force her. I want to show her that it's worth to try again, especially when I do change because I know at least two things I have to change and more will most likely come as I'm trying to set things straight during this month. I also think she still has feelings for me because she wouldn't want to be with me in a long distance relationship like we were otherwise. She clearly said she doesn't want me dissappearing from her life so I have to mean something to her and she's not the lying type either for the simple fact she hates lying because too many people did that to her but I wasn't one of them. I was the one to come up to her and say that I love her first too. Link to comment
thebigman Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 firstly, no one changes in a month. its impossible. secondly, if you disappearing from her life is not what she wants, then what do you think is more likely to bring her back? making exactly what she doesn't want to happen, happen? or by trying to change her mind in 4 weeks by showing her your fake changes that will no doubt still come accross as clingy? stay away and heal and if she really doesn't want you to disappear from her life then you can sure as hell bet that she will fight for it. Link to comment
tig Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 Yes but what about the inevitable meet up in a month and a half? Because of our mutual friends it will happen anyway. I know it takes time but I can't really handle it right now and thought I could do something straight off the bat. Link to comment
thebigman Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 yes but, yes but, yes but.... don't put yourself in that position and stay away until you are not going to make this even worse for yourself......which is inevitable seen as you are ignoring everyone heres advice, so you are no doubt going to ignore her "probably not" status on things changing. i know it hurts. believe me i do, thats why i came here in the first place but you are one of the lucky ones. she has given you no false hope with maybes. you are creating your own hope through a fairytale idea that you can sweep her off her feet in a month with a brand new you. it doesn't work like that I'm afraid. time and distance are the only things that can possibly solve this (thats a huge possibly aswel). you were clingy. you don't win someone back who got sick of your clinginess by clinging. Link to comment
tig Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 Okay, okay, I get it. But what to do about me bumping into her because it's going to happen whether I want it or not. How am I supposed to handle it. Link to comment
thebigman Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 say hi, wish her well, walk away. Link to comment
tig Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 Problem is it's not gonna be that easy I don't think. Our mutual friends will propably throw a party and they're going to invite everyone. Should I just not go then? It will be really awkward for everyone including her if I don't because she'll know something is wrong. Link to comment
thebigman Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 yes thats exactly what you do, you don't go. i don't think you not going will be half as awkward as you being there. plus, there is something wrong = your ex gf who recently broke up with you is there. I'm sure people will understand. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Seriously though what is it with you people giving up. It isn't giving up. It takes much more strength to let go and move on with your life than it does to cling on to a person who is asking for you to let them go. You are fighting the wrong battle. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Problem is it's not gonna be that easy I don't think. Our mutual friends will propably throw a party and they're going to invite everyone. Should I just not go then? It will be really awkward for everyone including her if I don't because she'll know something is wrong. I really don't see how it is going to be awkward if you are NOT there. It will be more awkward if you are there. Though, to be honest, I don't suppose most people will be worried either way. Link to comment
tig Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 I guess if that's the only way then I'll have to do it. I'll think it over during this month too. However what should I do if she herself will insist on me being there anyway? I have a feeling she would feel bad for me that I can't have fun because of her and she would try to get me to be there. Also a related question. Since it will be a con what to do if I accidentally bump into her? And what if I'm talking with our mutual friends and she suddenly comes over to talk? I can't just make up an excuse and leave immediately when I see her because that'd be way too weird and it'd make her feel bad too. Or is that the point? To make her feel bad? Because I don't know anymore. It would look way too awkward in front of the friends anyway. Link to comment
Glowguy Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 The point is for you to do what you think is best for yourself. Stop making this all about her. It is totally understandable to excuse yourself after greeting an ex gf. That is the normal response. You don't act like a jerk but you certainly don't have to stand around and make small talk with her and her friends. It may not even happen. And yes - do not go to that party. Even if you think you are ready - you aren't. Link to comment
tig Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 It's not only her friends though because they are mutual friends. I wouldn't be worried if it was just her friends because then there would be no problem but if they are mutual friends it feels awkward to me. I am to assume also that I shouldn't care if it makes her feel bad? Asking because this wasn't addressed in your post. It sounds like a jerk move to do though. Also I'm assuming I shouldn't go even if she insists? What should I tell her that I can't be there then? That I'm not ready to casually speak with her or something like that? I'm asking this trivial stuff because I honestly don't know. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Easiest option ... don't go. If she asks why you can't go you have two options. You can either be honest and tell her that you don't feel ready to be in her company yet ... or you can tell a white lie and tell her you have a prior engagement. You may find she might not even approach you about it. Link to comment
tig Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 Right. I just wanted to ask if she DID ask. But what if I'll go without knowing that she'll be there because noone would tell me? I reckon I should bail immediatelly after telling her I still can't casually be in her company but what about the others? Should I simply not care about what they think? I mean it would be good in a short run but in a long run it could get problematic as they would see me as a party pooper. Also once again - should I really not care about how she feels anymore? It feels like a really jerk move to do but I guess it's part of moving on. I guess? I need an answer here with this. Link to comment
thebigman Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Right. I just wanted to ask if she DID ask. But what if I'll go without knowing that she'll be there because noone would tell me? I reckon I should bail immediatelly after telling her I still can't casually be in her company but what about the others? Should I simply not care about what they think? I mean it would be good in a short run but in a long run it could get problematic as they would see me as a party pooper. Also once again - should I really not care about how she feels anymore? It feels like a really jerk move to do but I guess it's part of moving on. I guess? I need an answer here with this. you are making something very simple very complicated. you need to stay away from her until you are strong again so stay away. thats all you need to know and all you need to do. if her or anyone asks then you either tell them the truth or you make an excuse. its simple. protect yourself. Link to comment
tig Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 I do realize that but I don't want to come off as a to anyone around me. Not just her. It could also come back bite me in the ass later on if I come off as a way too much. Link to comment
thebigman Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 if they are real friends then they will understand that the break up was tough for you. think about you, not them for the time being. Link to comment
Lorem Ipsum Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 or you can tell a white lie and tell her you have a prior engagement Or you could find something else to do that night (concert, theatre) and have a *real* reason to go. Think of it from a reverse psychology perspective, you'll appear all independent and mysterious if you don't go, if you have something that's cooler and more interesting to do instead. Link to comment
tig Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 I guess that's another way of doing it. However I feel bad for my friends because they are kinda hyped for this since we don't see each other very often. I have to think about this. I'm not sure if I won't be able to be around my ex though because I'm starting to feel better even if it's just talking about this on an internet forum. Link to comment
Shane Falco Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I guess that's another way of doing it. However I feel bad for my friends because they are kinda hyped for this since we don't see each other very often. I have to think about this. I'm not sure if I won't be able to be around my ex though because I'm starting to feel better even if it's just talking about this on an internet forum. Hang out with your friends at another time when your ex is not around. They'll understand. As for the olesun thread you keep referencing, it didn't work out with the girl he got back if I recall correctly. And even he said that a significant amount of NC is crucial. When I say significant, I mean several months. He emphasized that you need to be completely healed before even thinking about contemplating a second chance. I think he had some good points in his thread -- the only problem with it is people like you are not in position to actually understand what he's talking about, and unfortunately, people like you will take false hope from it and try to get your ex back without doing any of the work necessary to move forward and heal from the break. Link to comment
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