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Recent break up - how to make one love me again


tig

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My girlfriend of 4 months broke up with me yesterday. Needless to say I am absolutely devastated and my stomach feels as if someone shot it with a shotgun but that's not the point. I've been looking for advice on how to possibly get her back because I can't just let her go and yet everyone is set on just forgetting and letting go. This I do not want. Especially since it was my fault that she had the need for us to break up even though she tried to blame herself for it starting to go downhill around a month ago. The cause of all this is simple - me being way too clingy and brazen even though I acknowledged when she told me that she can't always respond to me because she has problems with her internet connection and/or phone. The cause of that however is my way too wild imagination which coupled with our long distance from each other, over 500km, made me think up scenarios which had absolutely no basis in reality. Of course I didn't boldly ask her if she's cheating on me or what but it raised my concerns and I was nagging her too much. She said she didn't mind because she found it cute that I want to know what's going on with her and if she's okay but it clearly still had an impact on the whole thing.

 

Yesterday when I went to her those 500km I couldn't hold it in and literally cried all my tears onto her while trying to excuse myself that it was all my fault, which it was. She was also trying to blame herself for this whole situation but I kept telling her it wasn't her fault because it really wasn't. She was doing fine, it was just me being too attached. I tried to ask, well basically beg while telling her how much she means to me and she basically still means everything to me, for another chance but she said she "doesn't want to force" herself into it. My gut tells me if she tried however it would work out but the problem is the distance and frequency of how often we could see each other IF we could even be back together again. I asked if anything could still change between us and she replied with "propably not". I'm propably lying to myself but maybe this right there is a chance. After that she told me that she "doesn't want to be stereotypical but doesn't want for me to dissappear altogether" which basically means she wants me to be her friend. I nodded back because I couldn't get a word out. After I calmed down we talked a little, or more like I was still trying to excuse for all my mistakes, and I could clearly see it was hard for her too so she wasn't playing with me. She never said she doesn't love me anymore either but that could've been maybe only not to hurt me more or maybe she couldn't simply say it. Then she went home, I went to a motel and after 12 hourse of being on a train I'm back in my flat, really miserable and depressed.

 

What I came here to ask is if there is any chance of me getting her back and to love me? If so how should I go about doing it? This is definitely the most important thing in my entire life and I don't want to simply it up because the stakes are way too high so that's why I came here to ask for advice and a possible solution.

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What I learned in my relationships is that nobody wants to feel controlled or suffocated. Because you pushed so hard, I think the best thing now would be to ease off. She won't believe that you've changed overnight.

 

I would do 30 days of No Contact, and then slowly get back in touch. But use these 30 days to improve yourself, especially to improve yourself mentally. Learn why you did these things, and what made you do them.

 

When you reach back out to her, keep it light and don't bring all the past baggage with you. ALWAYS STAY CALM, and when the time comes you can share the insight and clarity with her. But until then, show her what a fun, light hearted, and carefree person you are.

 

 

The other option: You can try to rush into things with her, but don't do it in a clingy and needy way. LISTEN more than you Talk. You might have a chance if you tell her you understand how your actions made her feel and how you don't want to make her feel that way anymore.

 

Good Luck!!

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Oh man thanks for the fast reply because I've been almost dying here out of worry. So basically one month of NC and then start to send texts like "how are you doing" and so on? What if she texts me in that time? Should I respond or try my hardest not to? There's also a chance we might see each other in a little less than two months - is that a good time to try and "restart" it? If so how should I go about it not to get the opposite effect? Also I did tell her I understand that it was my fault and my clinginess that damaged the whole thing but I don't know if she acknowledged that. Other thing I forgot to mention is that she told me she wasn't strong enough to keep this relationship going but in truth I know it was my nagging which did the bad. Is there any way to reassure her of her being strong enough and that really not being her fault?

 

Also I suppose there is still chance for me? Because I've been trying to get advice from friends and they've been only "forget and move on" and I REALLY don't want that.

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Also I forgot to ask - how would I go about arranging a meeting if we weren't to meet after those two months? The distance and time is the biggest problem here but I can work anything out if it means a chance at getting her back. And I would like to know, realistically, what are the chances of one month NC and then meet up actually working? Is this something reliable? Because I really want, hell, I really need this girl back in my life.

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No...it is neither reliable or realistic.

Hopefully in a month you will realize that life goes on.

She has not given you any false hope.

 

You need to address your insecurities yourself. She cannot solve them by being in a relationship with you... as you have seen. You must address them alone.

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She has not given you any false hope.

 

I honestly don't know. She didn't outright tell me she doesn't love me and she really cleanly pointed out that she doesn't want me dissappearing for her. She also said "propably not" which either may be a way of telling me "no" by not trying to hurt me too much or maybe it may mean what it says.

 

What if I resolve my clinginess issues? Does that give me a better chance at making this work? I REALLY want it to work and I really want to be one of those who get back together. I just need help with it.

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I've been looking for advice on how to possibly get her back because I can't just let her go and yet everyone is set on just forgetting and letting go. This I do not want.

 

Unfortunately you may not have any other choice if she wants to move on.

 

If this girl loved you ..... if her gut instinct was telling her it could work .... then she would be with you right now working on your relationship. She has ended the relationship because she is following her instincts too.

 

The only chance you have of spinning this around is by backing away completey, therefore giving her the chance to miss you. It doesn't mean she will of course.

 

In the meantime I would focus on letting go (as much as you don't want to) instead of counting down the days to when you contact her again because if you haven't heard otherwise, the chances are nothing has changed in those 30 days.

 

Remember she knows where to find you if she changes her mind.

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You are in denial that it is over. And that is normal.

Get some therapy so you can find the root cause of your insecurity. This is not something you can figure out on your own...and until you do, you should not be in any relationship.

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She also said "propably not" which either may be a way of telling me "no" by not trying to hurt me too much or maybe it may mean what it says.

 

To me that reads "no" whichever way you look at it.

 

Probably not = most likely no.

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I don't want to give up without trying this time because the same exact thing happened for me with the previous girl. I ed up badly somewhere along the way, because there's really no other way of calling it, but I somehow managed to move on even though she was my first true love. This time it's different. This time I keep feeling like I should try however I can because this time I can't let go. I realize I'm most likely lying to myself but even my friends are backing me up in trying to fix this. I just need advice because I have no idea what to do, other than waiting for a month or more and trying to fix it by meeting with her.

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The clinginess? I know the source. It comes from years of people lying to me and using me but I don't know how to combat it. I also don't think it was the main problem because if what she told me is true she started to not feel for me when I tried to limit my clinginess by not texting her everyday and asking how she's doing and if everything's alright. Maybe this is actually where I did wrong. Maybe this somehow made her not feel safe anymore.

 

Unless you meant some other insecurity then please do tell.

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She doesn't feel unsafe. She feels suffocated.

 

And just because someone else lied to you doesn't mean that you get to assume that everyone else will. And you cling because you are afraid to be alone.

 

Learn how to be alone and happy... because until that happens, you will never leave your partner enough space.

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I'm puzzled by this frankly. She seemed to like my asking how's she doing because noone before cared that much about her which is puzzling how anyone wouldn't want to know if their significant other is okay or not. Yes, I am afraid to be alone and she knows that. I used to know how to be alone and happy until I met her and the previous girl because I finally realized that living on my own only is not the way to go.

 

You are propably right that this is propably just a ghost chase from this point onward I have to say but I need to try. She means a lot to me and I just have to somehow be able to undo all the bad. Which I can't if she won't let me and the uncertainty is the worst part in all of this.

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And I didn't treat her like one. If something bad was happening she always told me. I just don't understand why she didn't tell me about what she thinks was her fault earlier. I still am sure it wasn't her fault but I'm not sure if she really knows that and acknowledges that. It's not a do over per se anyway either. We both still remember the good and the bad but all I'd want is for a chance to fix the bad. Not forget about them mind you but fix them and live on from that point onward. It's just I don't know how to convince her it wasn't her fault and it's worth a try, even if it means forcing herself a bit into it.

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You can't make someone love you again. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's the truth and you need to face reality. It's completely normal to be devastated after a breakup but you will start to feel better eventually. Most people are telling you to move on based on experience. Reconciliations are rare. She may eventually decide that she made a mistake but it won't be because you convinced her she did. That only happens after a lot of personal reflection and often some failed rebounds. That's why everyone says to just get in the mindset of moving on. The more you try to contact her the more you will push her away. You only have control over yourself and that's what you should focus on.

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I guess there is a way. If I treat her as a new person and if I can improve on myself I can get her back. I just stumbled upon a thread that deals with NC and that's essentially it. I have to calm myself and talk with her after a month and a half let's say and try to get her back that way. I do now realize that pure NC won't work but it's a basis to start from. I can be delussional but I know there is something special about this person and I have to at least try to win her back. And it doesn't matter how many times I have to try - I just have to.

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I'm not sure. If I'm improving I'm not the same person she used to know so effectively she is not breaking up with the same person. Besides it's not like I want to be nagging her every 4 weeks about getting back together. If it has to take time then it will take time. I'm just hoping that I'll do it right this time and learn from my mistakes.

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How am I refusing? I accepted she broke up with me. It will propably change during the next few days because I'll be feeling lonely but ultimately I want to get her back and I'll have to accept it if I want her back. I have to be again the same person she fell in love with. This is starting over and if I work hard enough I can be with her again because she will be able to be in love with the same me she fell for. Unless she never truly loved me which is a problem but people fall for each other so I can do it.

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