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Right girl, wrong time?


odysseus77

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I'm in this complicated situation, and I'm just really at a loss as to how to handle it. I'll start off by saying this. I have a wonderful girlfriend that I've dated for 2 years. I can definitely see myself getting married to her and growing old together. However, there are definitely major problems that I have right now with the relationship. Going along with the title of the post, my major issue is this: we're in our mid/late 20's and have been dating for 2 years. I feel like in that sort of situation you should really be lusting after each other and going out and having wild times together (at least occasionally). At least thats what I see from a lot of my peers and their relationships. I guess the problems all sort of revolve around the concept that things have grown routine and that she feels too comfortable. Now, I'm sure that there are aspects of myself where I've grown too comfortable, but its mostly been her, and the routine part is certainly her. I'll explain.

 

One of the major things is that our sex has become too routine and seems almost like its a mandatory thing. We always do it in the same places, same positions. Occasionally there's naughty talk, but not usually. I guess a primary issue that I have with it is that I never feel lusted after by her. She rarely initiates or makes me feel desirable. I know this may come off as cocky, but try to understand the point behind it. I'm in good shape. I'm one of those people that pays extremely close attention to diet, and goes to the gym 6 times a week. When I go out, I regularly have random girls hit on me. Its frustrating to then go home to a girlfriend that shows no desire for me whatsoever. Now let me separate two things: she shows me regularly and abundantly how much she loves me and cares about me, but never desire or lust. There is a difference. And I feel like especially at this stage in a relationship, especially in our mid/late 20's that's something that shouldn't already be waning. My peers will get texts from their girlfriends in lingerie at home with sexual comments for when they get home, or dirty talk via text, or even just having their girlfriend jump them at random times. I brought this up to her, and said you can't tell me you don't see a big difference between year one and year two. And she admitted as much, but she blamed it on feeling insecure about her own body because she's gone up a few dress sizes (which is a separate issue).

 

Second major thing is that, again we're in our mid/late 20's and I'd like to go out occasionally and let loose. Drink a little too much, dance a little, get stupid together. Tear up the town! We've never really done that. I think I've seen her drunk/buzzed and let loose maybe twice in 2 years. She's much more content staying at home, cooking dinner, and watching a movie, which is awesome, but I'd like to tear it up once and a while. And I know people will say, "well she's just not the type that likes to do that." However, I hear stories how she was in college, and she was the wild one of her roommates. She'd be the one that drank a bit too much on the weekends, danced on the tables and let loose. And I've never seen it at all, and I'd like just a piece of that. I don't know if anyone listens to country, but there's a Keith Urban song out that sums up my feelings about it really well, "I want a cool chick that'll cook for me, but'll dance on the bar in her tan bare feet, and do what I want, when I want, and she'll do it with me." Which leads me to my final dilemma.

 

As I've gone out a few times with friends, I met a girl through a friend. The last month or so, I've been talking/texting with her. I've also hung out a few times with her (not individually, but with a group of people). There's a lot of chemistry, we've danced, held hands, kissed once (never went further than that). Basically, she's fulfilled the voids I've felt in my relationship. This girl goes out and lets loose, and she constantly shows/tells her desire for me. Things can't go on like this though. I feel like the option I'm leaning towards is that I want a break from my girlfriend so that maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder, and so that maybe the desire will be back by the time we get back together. I would hope that we could both come to appreciate certain things about each other by being absent from each other, and maybe by dating other people and seeing if we get the feeling that no one will ever match up to each other. I deeply fear that I risk losing her forever, and that it will be a terrible mistake, but I also fear that continuing to go on like this could be destructive too. Make no mistake: I'm not doing this for the other girl. I was wrestling with these feelings before her, but meeting her made me really feel the need to press the issue rather than be apathetic about it. Any thoughts or advice?

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You are already cheating on her so for the love of everything holy and unholy, dump her so she can find a guy who actually appreciates her and wouldn't run around flirting with and kissing other girls. I mean what is there to lose - sexually you are both dead, you don't want/like the same social life, etc. This is really not that complicated at all - you are just not that into each other even though rationally you feel that you should be....kind of ....but the thing is that you are not. So stop wasting each other away just because it's comfortable and feels like a nice security blanket.

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Hi.

 

If you think those two issues are big now, they will only become much, much worse with marriage.

 

A break would be a good thing in my opinion.

 

You need to date other women in order to draw comparisons. Many women will not have these issues, but of course they will have other issues that will bother you. For example, a woman who is very passionate and lustful may have a promiscuous past or be likely to cheat on you. The "wild woman" who dances on bars will likely have a drinking problem.

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I agree with the other posters that I think you need a break, not a break up maybe but definitely a break from eachother for a bit as things can't go on the way they are plus you have cheated on her already...

I understand how it feels to be stifled and trapped but I don't think it's fair for the woman you are with, for you to be staying with her and feeling like this, perhaps you could try talking to her as well, but it depends how much you'd think this'd be worth saving

 

That's why I think some time apart and a break could really sort your head out about all of this, good luck

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Any thoughts or advice?

 

I'm going to let you in on a little thing that many people often times seems to forget: The problems you are having in your relationship isn't your spouse's problem(s) or fault, it is your own.

 

When you're done being co-dependent (which this is actually a variation of being), try realizing a relationship takes TWO people. Therefore, before you take to finding ways to get her to "change” first, make sure these aren't situations where you may need to change just as much.. In fact, if you plan on turning this into a successful relationship, and eventually marriage, that's exactly how you should be focusing... in your situation. Here's why I feel that way:

 

[Your first paragraph] For one stop comparing your life to your next door neighbor (friends in your case).. That is one of the WORST ways to live. You see your neighbor bring in a new TV, you want a better one, you see them drive up in a 2014 car, and you want one too, etc etc. It's extremely easy to look at the guy in front of you smiling, enjoying the things you feel you may lack, when in reality, there's no telling how they got there, how long they'll stay, or if they're even "truly" happy anyway.... but none of that matters anyway, don't worry about other people, you'll never be happy..

 

And at 2 years, I'm sure things have come to a point of comfort, and the honeymoon phase has pretty much worn out. THIS is the time where you stop trying to impress your significant other, and try living life with them! This is the stage in the relationship where you two should be working together to improve the quality of your lives together and individually, not become complacent and "settle." -- "Settle" after 10 years of marriage or something; till' then continue planning dates, trips, and things to do outside of your daily routine. And break that routine...

 

[Your second paragraph] Paraphrasing the great rapper Ludacris (lol..) in the song “Unpredictable” by Jaime Foxx: "Some say that sex is overrated, but they just ain't doin it right." .. Change it up. TAKE charge. You've been together for 2 years, why oh why are you scared to take action!? Make HER feel loved... and at random times! Like when she comes home from work taking off her shoes and setting her purse down, grab her from behind, and tell her how much you love her and how good she STILL smells (or other random compliment); and for her to go relax in the bath you made for her while you finish cooking dinner (order out ahead if you can't cook)... When you hear her step out, be there with an extra towel and cream and offer to dry her off while massaging her shoulders and upper back and hearing how her day went...... then go eat dinner together and call it a night. And as her significant other who is in love with her (yes?); and is in shape, take the lead and do the small, subtle things to help lessen that insecurity of hers... and it's going to take more than a couple weeks so don't freak when Spring rolls around in March, and you're still dealing with things, I mean, do you love her or not? If you're not getting what you want, communicate it. Clearly. Saying "I brought this up, but...." isn't a solution.. Instead, it was an attempt to solve a problem that didn't bring you the results you wanted, so it's back to the chalk board with figuring out how to better approach her with your concerns. Maybe a little less invasive, and more welcoming? I don’t know…

 

Your separation between feeling desired/lusted for and feeling loved, personally I can't quite understand as I'd pick a 2 year relationship with a woman loving me any day over a 2 month lust-filled one. But that's personal preference. Yes I know the difference, and I'd like to think that a mature relationship balances both, and when one wanes, that it's my job to find out why and do whatever it takes to rebuild that part, even if that means me initiating the first step(s) for the next 2 years of our relationship.

 

[Third Paragraph] This is something I feel requires a committed, and mature relationship. If you are bringing this and other concerns up with her, and you're taking an open, warming approach to it; there shouldn't be much resistance to doing things she may not be that into anymore. At the same time, it could totally be your approach, hopefully you're not actually asking her to go out and get wasted with you.. Those kinds of things happen, but it's a child's mentality to purposefully go out for the point of getting piss drunk and and to be stupid. Whether she did that every day until she met you, or she did it back in her college days, that's her past.. and just as you wouldn't want her bringing up your college days of sleeping around or doing anything that could ruin a stable relationship; you too shouldn't be trying to bring up her past, secretly hoping for it to return again. She is who she is today and thankfully from her experiences in her past…

 

+1 to Keith Urban and that song by the way!! I've had a few female friends come visit and stay for months on end making dinner for me and keeping my place clean when I came home; and actual girlfriends who didn't once seem interested in seeing my daughter, or touching a single pot or pan... Ultimately I've found it's the woman and her upbringing that determines her natural "instincts" in doing these things. BUT.. Just make sure you're handling your own and taking care of her as well, giving her a reason to even consider any of that...

 

[Last Paragraph] Wow... This paragraph explains it all IMHO, but I at least wanted to offer what advice I could to the other situations you were going through.. perhaps for a future relationship. But from this paragraph alone it's clear you've moved on and you no longer share the feelings you once have. Your relationship isn't salvageable at this point, I believe, because you've already allowed yourself to reach a point of disrespecting your girlfriend of 2 years by.. not just one time.. but continuously entertaining the idea of a relationship with this new girl... Continuing to spend time with someone you have cheated on your s/o with is not only a huge lack of respect, but it also screws with your moral mind (kissing counts btw!.. unless you wouldn't care if she started kissing guys she had... chemistry... with). Don't kid yourself any further with "I don't want to risk losing her" you've already done that... repeatedly.. The only reason you haven't lost her yet is because she hasn't heard of and visited the enotalone.com forums, only to find her boyfriend sharing with group of strangers the story of "I love her and don't want to lose her! But SHE made me go out with this other girl 'a few times' and enjoy myself!” Heh, well... I feel ya man... that kiss was totally not your fault. ....

 

My final thought and advice? Not only are you doing this for the other girl -which is okay if you just accept and admit it!- but worse, you selfishly continue to do all of this for yourself. Save face now, and admit to your girlfriend of 2 years what you have done, and move on.. If she forgives you and things work out in the future… marry her.

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