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How to deal with the obsessive thinking


Kam2014

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Hi all, it's been a week since I last posted a new thread. I'm still having such a crap time dealing with my emotions. Like I said I am still doing all the things I always have but my mind just can't rest. I'm constantly thinking about him. When I stop, I guarentee an hour later I will be thinking again. I keep busy etc but I keep obsessing over him. Just about how much I miss him and wishing/hoping things were different. If someone is talking to me or I am work, I'm not fully focusing. My anxiety at times is soooo bad that I get confused with what I am doing. I just wish I could let it be and switch off

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Hi Kam2014. Just letting you know I'm still struggling with this as well, even 4 months since the BU. The obsessive thoughts have slowed down a bit, but not much.

 

I'm seeing a therapist and she has suggested techniques to distract my thoughts, among other things. Even some ENAers have made some suggestions. While they work for a little bit, my mind goes right back to the obsessive thoughts. It's hard for me to sustain the distractions, even when exercising.

 

I sometimes think we just have to sit with these thoughts until time works its magic.

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Hi Kam2014. Just letting you know I'm still struggling with this as well, even 4 months since the BU. The obsessive thoughts have slowed down a bit, but not much.

 

I'm seeing a therapist and she has suggested techniques to distract my thoughts, among other things. Even some ENAers have made some suggestions. While they work for a little bit, my mind goes right back to the obsessive thoughts. It's hard for me to sustain the distractions, even when exercising.

 

I sometimes think we just have to sit with these thoughts until time works its magic.

 

 

Grrr! that is what I thought. I am better but when the thoughts come back..they come with avengence! I agree - I am going yoga this evening but I know that I won't fully relax and pay attention to what I am doing and it is so annoying as it I love yoga! I was at a conference this weekend and I spent the 3hrs on the train thinking that by the time I got to the conference I was ready to sleep I hope that we can get over this soon as it is getting pretty depressing

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Nine weeks post-BU, same here. Although I find that little by little the obsessing is getting less. As I start to go out and do fun things with friends I find myself not constantly thinking about her now. But ofcourse, life can't be one big party and fun so for 90% of the time I'm still thinking about her /obsessing. Or when there was contact, no matter how little, the obsessing is definitely worse.

 

I'm thinking time will take care of this...

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Nine weeks post-BU, same here. Although I find that little by little the obsessing is getting less. As I start to go out and do fun things with friends I find myself not constantly thinking about her now. But ofcourse, life can't be one big party and fun so for 90% of the time I'm still thinking about her /obsessing. Or when there was contact, no matter how little, the obsessing is definitely worse.

 

I'm thinking time will take care of this...

 

Hi Lucha - yes I have to agree with you. I find the 90% of the time I feel empty and just keep missing him. I still find that I keep wondering if he is soemone else.

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Do something new.

 

Old habits have ties to the breakup in their own way... and so make it easier for your mind to go back there even though you're technically "busy". Have something you want to try but just haven't gotten around to doing? Now is a perfect time.

 

Also, redirecting your thoughts when they swerve back to the ex. Have a go-to. For example... think of the ex? Re-direct your mind to what it would be like to hike the Grand Canyon. Imagine looking down, or looking up from the bottom, envision those rocks, run your hands along them, etc. Focus so closely on something else that it trains your mind in a different way.

 

Tricky... but it works.

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Why would you obsesse over someone that probably already picked his life up again. Looking at other women. And already forgotten you. Why would you waste youre thinking about someone like that.

Keep reminding yourself that he/she has forgotten you and moved on. That will make you wanna move on too.

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Why would you obsesse over someone that probably already picked his life up again. Looking at other women. And already forgotten you. Why would you waste youre thinking about someone like that.

Keep reminding yourself that he/she has forgotten you and moved on. That will make you wanna move on too.

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I'm constantly thinking about him. When I stop, I guarentee an hour later I will be thinking again.

 

Okay, so you do stop at some point for an hour. Soon you'll notice that the window enlarges to an hour and a half. Then two hours... you get the idea.

 

This obsessive thinking is true of everyone grieving a breakup. It's also true that we all feel that we're doing it wrong and worse than anyone else and that we're a damaged freak.

 

But if this were true, how could everyone feel this way?

 

It should give you some comfort that some emotional responses are universal, and there's no better way 'around' this whole process that you just haven't discovered.

 

The good news is that as you work through this and begin to come out the other side, you'll get to decide whether the experience has taught you useful things and that you're more resilient than you ever believed--or you can turn brittle and fearful and make your world small. There's also a whole range in between, but the point is, you get to choose.

 

Consider shifting the critical voice in your head away from judgement and more toward being supportive and kind to yourself. That's one habit that will teach you how to respect yourself and treat yourself well. Become your best caretaker to nurse yourself back to health as though you're mending a broken leg.

 

You can come out of this wiser and better than before--it's a decision that you can make when you're ready.

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Thank you!

 

Sure.

 

I think I am at the point where I am giving up on trying to fight the obsessive thoughts. The thought distractions, meditation, and even giving myself a certain amount of time to think about the ex and then not to think about her afterwards, is just exhausting for me. It takes great effort.

 

Just letting the thoughts run, not putting any emotions behind them, and just observing them is the only way I think I can let those thoughts run their course. I hope it works because I never really gave this method a try.

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The post that said earlier just to deal with these thoughts until time does it's magic is so true, I have kind of worked these thoughts into my everyday life now they are not going anywhere I'm hiding behind a smiley face and a false impression that I am even remotely happy but it seems to just be becoming the norm now and it has got easier to deal with. I've tried to go no contact and can't make it past day 2 so I have had to ask my ex to change her number which she has angrily approved to. I am beginning to realise that she no longer wants anything to do with me, it does however amaze me how someone can just delete you from there life at the click of a finger and be so cool about it. I think the only way to beat a breakup is to prove to yourself that you are Better of without them I am enrolling for a bachelor of law course ASAP I am turning my life around and proving I'm better than I could have ever been with her. My advice is not to just get on with life as it was but make changes that will improve your life, Be all you can be and prove that you weren't the one that lost something they was.

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Thank you Bookerd1991 - this is what I am trying to do. I have signed up to some courses to work on myself. I guess for me it is hard as we never broke up on bad terms, he didn't do anything wrong, he likes me etc but is not looking for a relationship. This not something I can make him have! It would have been a lot more easier if he had just cheated to was an idiot! So I only really have happy thoughts about us which annoys me!!

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I should warn you about st johns worth:

 

I have tried it one time years ago and I suffered terrible nightmares from it - the kind where you wake up at night screaming.

 

Also, as a doctor, I should probably say st johns worth interferes with a lot of other medication and even with anticonceptic pills. Just so you know and dont end up pregnant

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I should warn you about st johns worth:

 

I have tried it one time years ago and I suffered terrible nightmares from it - the kind where you wake up at night screaming.

 

Also, as a doctor, I should probably say st johns worth interferes with a lot of other medication and even with anticonceptic pills. Just so you know and dont end up pregnant

 

Wow....I didn't know about the nightmares. I have taken it for two day and feel really sleepy/exhausted. I'm not sure if that is because I am just tired! I did check with interactions with other meds!

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Hi I am going thru the same thing. Its been a month since the BU and I am stil obsessing. I was doing ok for a little bit...maybe a week or so...i started to do things on my own - i saw a movie and went shopping by myself and I felt ok. I also started going to the gym. but this week has been super hard and I dont know why so many steps backwards. I guess it comes and goes.

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Hi I am going thru the same thing. Its been a month since the BU and I am stil obsessing. I was doing ok for a little bit...maybe a week or so...i started to do things on my own - i saw a movie and went shopping by myself and I felt ok. I also started going to the gym. but this week has been super hard and I dont know why so many steps backwards. I guess it comes and goes.

 

it does come and go. It is good you are going all these things and alone - we sometimes forget all the things we used to do alone before we entered the relationship. It also depends on what you are obsessing about. I find that what I obsess over has changed over time. Today is 2 months post BU. I do feel better and am able to do things and concentrate better, but my mind has not changed about how much I want to get back with him.....I still care for what we had. At this stage, moving on/letting go seems to be the hardest thing

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There is no magic pill or formula for getting over a heartbreak. It is worse for some than others, it really depends on your level of self worth and self esteem before the breakup. Many times the break up triggers all our other dormant issues that are unresolved. Use this as an opportunity to see where you can grow. Yes, it is going to be painful for awhile, so you might as well better yourself through the process so that if there is a next time, you will be able to handled better.

 

Additionally, by working on yourself you will be better equipped for your next relationship. I do believe you can speed up the process as well by taking care of yourself mentally, physically and spiritually. The better you treat yourself the faster you will heal. If you choose to wallow in self pity, devalue yourself, stalk your ex and not go NC, then it could last much longer. The choice is yours and it is within your power to do the next right thing for you!

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All of this is very true, especially the part about how much self-worth/esteem you have. I know I didn't have much to begin with and I put my self-worth/esteem in my ex, so when she left, naturally it all went with her.

 

I am just NOW learning how to build my self-worth/esteem by myself and it's not easy but I know that's why I am probably having a harder time than most with regards to letting go of and obsessing over my ex.

 

This ties in with the low self-worth/esteem: I know I am codependent and I have abandonment issues, so those factor into my recovery as well and also made it more difficult to let go and stop obsessing. Some of you may have these as well.

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