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Can't decide what to do.


jsmith219

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So here we go. I'm a 28 yr old white catholic (not religious) man, and she's an early 30s black woman of another religious background. We had been together for a little over a year with breaks here and there. Always due to my indecision about being in a relationship with a single divorced mother. I love her to death, but never wanted to date anyone with children. It has always been a deal breaker. But when I met her, I threw caution to

the wind! Our relationship was so solid. We had our little arguments here and there, but never any bad arguments. Just silly disagreements that would end with us both laughing about it. We also tooo many exciting trips together. But as time went on and we had not done anything at all with her daughter, I realized we were living a fantasy. This relationship was not real in the way that half of her life was being shielded from me. I did not want to see it. A child by another man; the idea burns me so that my lovely girlfriend would have a lifelong attachment to a low life. I would also have to deal with all of these issues at some point if I stayed. Also, my family is not accepting of her because she has this baggage. So long story short, we broke up, but still have burning love for each other. When we take our breaks, I always think, "hey! I can do this! I'm gonna take great care of that kid with her and it will be so rewarding! " But then we get back together, she mentions the child and how we need to do something with her and I go into shock again. I also have a hard time accepting her love, wondering if its genuine. Why me? You know? Why not Joe or Steve? What makes her choose me? So the whole point here, family and child and religion issues aside, we have quite a wonderful relationship. We have respect, trust, passion and stellar communication with one another. So! Do we get back together and we start including her child every so often, or do I accept that although her and I are amazing together, its not meant to be?

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Of course I'm just going by your one post, but I don't see anything that resembles a "wonderful relationship." What I see is you having fun when she's "single," but that hardly represents who she truly is.

 

I think you need to move on. Her child deserves a man in her life who will love and accept her, not possibly resent her.

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Why you? Because her personality is compatible with yours. That's why most people choose a person to be in a relationship with, right? She could ask you the same question. So that's a little unfair.

 

Your jealousy issues - they're not abnormal actually. A lot of people feel that way then their partner has a child with another person. You can work through it. The child isn't really a bond with the other person - not if that other person is no longer in your lady's life. If he is in her life - you have to understand that he no longer has any place in her heart.

 

Everyone has a past. If the ex is still in her life because of the child - is that really as much "baggage" as someone with some kind of hurtful addiction, or someone who screams at you or puts you down because of their own issues, or someone who has no belief in boundaries and has affairs?

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Sounds to me that you are wasting her time. You only want the 'easy' part of the relationship and you can't handle the challeging part. If you could, you would have by now. I would suggest that you stay broken up and find someone who doesn't have the characteristics that you can't handle. Not all men can handle the issues you mention. However, going back and forth like that is really unfair to her. Let her find someone who will love all of her and not just a part.

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Listen to the nagging doubt.

 

You think the kid's father is a low life? That's who she chooses.

 

He's the kind of guy she goes with. Do you wonder what she thinks you have in common with him?

 

That nagging doubt is trying to tell that something's wrong - she and you don't share the same values.

 

Let her go. Forget about being the bigger man.

 

"Trust your hunches. They're usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level." - Joyce Brothers

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A child is not baggage nor some kind of experiment for you to see if you can get past, accept, grow to care for, etc. You want what you find to be all of the good parts of her but don't accept her past or the likely best part of her...her child and her love for him/her.

You are not committed and that's ok. But she, and most especially the child, deserve someone who doesn't think of him/her as a negative. I'm surprised she's dated you this long with those feelings. Anyone who would even imply that my daughter is baggage or that she comes from a low life would find that was the last thing they ever said to me.

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You need to leave her be.

 

You don't accept her child and the child doesn't deserve that kind of contempt for exisiting when that was out of the little one's control. You're holding her even being here against her--not fair!

 

You don't have a wonderful relationship if you can't incorporate her child into it.

 

Children aren't baggage. What a massively insensitive thing to say. No, just stay away from her. Let her be free to get over you and find a man who wants to be the man in her life, not a boy who just wants to play and go away.

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Thanks everyone. I knew some would be offended by my post, still, I appreciate your words. I do not have anything against her daughter, she's a great kid. If I was to step in, I need to know that I'll be able to handle it; and sadly, I'm having a hard time. This appears to be too much for me. Too heavy. I want a pure marriage with a wife who has my children, and only my children. Life throws you curveballs.

 

Circe: Exactly!!!!! I found an amazing woman who may be a shot at real happiness and a bulletproof, (mythical) successful marriage. if I can just get over myself. Easier said than done.

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Stop wasting her time then. From now on, look for a woman who has no children.

 

Exactly. There's no reason to continue with her if you feel a life with her would be impure. I'm not offended by your post...I just wouldn't date anyone who thought my daughter was baggage and came from a low life. She's part of the deal, she is AWESOME and my ex, while a bit of a pr*** is also part of the deal in terms of dealing with him b/c he's a part of her life. It is what it is.

You've said before and again that its not the right situation for you, you don't really accept her child (even though you acknowledge its nothing to do with her), you want a marriage where your kids are your own and you don't want to deal with the ex who's not a quality person. In other words, she's not the woman for you. There's nothing wrong with that...unless you continue to waste her time.

Put your energy and effort into someone you COULD see yourself with and having a pure marriage (whatever that means) with. You have a specific image of what you want and this isn't it. So move on.

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I want a pure marriage with a wife who has my children, and only my children. Life throws you curveballs.

 

This isn't a curveball. You've been knowing about the child since you've been screwing the woman.

 

You need to leave her alone so she can find a man who is able to love her baby as his own and thank God there are men out there who will do just that.

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