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How do I respond to his text?


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Heya!

 

So after a very weird past week with my ex (we hooked up, he acted like he was super into me then complete 180) I sent :

 

XX, I know things have been in a weird in between state this past week and I just wanted to clear the air and move forward. I don't want to stay in this state of ambiguity with you anymore. I cared about you for a very long time, but that chapter of my life has come to an end. I need to focus on myself and I wish you all the best.

 

And he responded back with "What?"

 

What do I say to that? Do I tell him that I want someone who wants commitment and he's not on the same page as me? Or do I not respond? Granted I still love this guy. But I dont want to get hurt again. And I know I said I don't want him back but a part of me does...which is my greatest conflict. People wants their exes back sometimes right?

 

My original thread:

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The way we were acting this week, confusion aside, is how I would want to be with someone I was either dating or committed to, neither of which we are doing. I know now that I want to share those couple-y moments with someone who I am exclusive with and it is unfair to both of us if we continue down this path.

 

What about that?

 

I have no idea why he said "What?" Because we definitely talked about this maybe being a bad idea before.

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You should call him, and if he doesn't pick up, leave a message.

 

As I said on your last thread, your feelings are the result of you wanting more than what he's offering. What you want is perfectly normal, perfectly healthy, and perfectly reasonable, and if he's not even willing to give it a shot -- if he insists on keeping it casual -- you have to cut him off for your own well-being. I still feel you're trying to downplay what you really want -- as if you don't have a right to ask for it from him; gosh, he's been quite successful at managing down your expectations so that you don't want to scare him away with by wanting "too much," hasn't he? The thing is, it's NOT too much -- not for a healthy person who wants a healthy relationship with you. It's just too much for him at this point, which means he doesn't want to be with you too badly, or he wouldn't risk you walking out of his life and finding someone who IS willing to commit to you in a healthy way.

 

If you absolutely MUST text, which I don't advise, I would say "I don't want to never speak to you again, but I am looking to date someone and eventually develop a healthy relationship. At this point, our expectations are different, and for me to be able to move forward, if you do not want the same thing I do, we need to be out of contact for awhile," or something to that effect.

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Do you want to take a stand and respect yourself, or do you want to continue to give him free access to your body while he sees you as a doormat?

 

This is not meant to sound harsh, but as long as you're willing to sell yourself at a cheap price, you'll get exactly what you pay for. Not only is self respect an attractive trait, it can be helpful in moving forward.

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No what you are both saying to me is how I feel. I just don't know an effective way to get that accross.

And you're right. I do want a normal healthy relationship from him. And I've been afraid to say it. I think texting him about it is completely stupid. I would rather talk to him face to face. But I don't know if he will pick up if I called him.

 

I want him to know that I enjoy talking to him. But I also don't want to keep talking to him knowing he doesn't want to build anything anymore. Call that selfish but I don't think ii could handle talking to him knowing his intentions (or lack thereof).

 

I feel so safe texting him

Though because I know as soon as we have to talk or I have to leave a message I will not know what to say at all.

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I won't be home until later tonight. I was thinking of telling him I was going to call him later about it and whether or not he picks up is his choice. Then if he doesn't, I would just text him what I needed to say.

 

If I don't say anything and just call him 3 hours later....well I don't want to be a doormat but I also don't want to be an a**

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You remind me of one of my close friends who was in this sort of pseudo-relationship with a guy for AGES. She wanted to know what was up with him, what his plan was for them. They had known each other for YEARS, and I finally just said to her one night (over dinner and some alcohol) "Why don't you just ASK him where you guys stand? After FIVE years, you've got a right to know!" Her response was not at all surprising: "I'm afraid to ask because I'm pretty sure I already know the answer." I told her, "Yeah, you probably do, but you need to ask anyway because maybe hearing it will help you move forward." She did, and the answer was what she feared -- he just wanted to be friends. He cared for her as a friend but didn't feel a "spark" with her (never mind the fact that they'd had sex a number of times --*sigh*) She was devastated, but she accepted it. They're still friends -- which I cautioned her against, but she wouldn't listen to me, which is certainly her prerogative. I fear she still clings to hope, though, and she hasn't tried to meet anyone else.

 

If you have to ask where you stand, you probably already know the answer. Hearing the truth can be painful, BUT...in the long run, it's for the best to endure that short-term disappointment and grief.

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It's so sad that that is the truth. Because I know it is. And I believe everything you're telling me. That's what is so hard. That fear of really knowing the truth.

 

I guess I just want to go about doing this the right way. I feel that calling him is the proper thing to do and since I can't call him I would ask him if he is free to talk later. If not, I'd send my text and hopefully be on my way

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It's so sad that that is the truth. Because I know it is. And I believe everything you're telling me. That's what is so hard. That fear of really knowing the truth.

 

I guess I just want to go about doing this the right way. I feel that calling him is the proper thing to do and since I can't call him I would ask him if he is free to talk later. If not, I'd send my text and hopefully be on my way

 

I totally feel where you're coming from. My biggest fear with my ex was cutting him off and having "nothing," but the truth was, I already HAD nothing -- at least not what I wanted and deserved. So, while the loss of what I had hoped for was painful --quite frankly, devastating -- for a time, I know in my heart that NOT being involved with him anymore is absolutely the right thing. I still get twinges of pain and loss from time to time, but they don't last long anymore, and they're getting increasingly infrequent. You have to do what's best for you. You know in your heart what that is. Read my signature line at the bottom of my posts. It's something I say to myself regularly.

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Well it went to voicemail so i said via text:

 

I have loved talking to you this past week and being able to tell you things and I eventually hope we can be friends. With our history, though, it’s hard for feelings to completely go away, especially with how we have been acting. We can’t do something like this without having residual feelings. I don’t want to never speak to you again, but at this point our expectations are different and for me to continue to move forward with myself, if you don’t want the same thing I do, we need more space for a while.

 

hope that's okay

 

I really appreciate everything you all have been telling me. I know in my heart that I should keep wanting him because he doesn't want me back. It's just so freaking hard. I know i'm not the first to go through it, but it still sucks. Being away from him is probably the best thing possible, but jesus it sucks.

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Sorry to hear but you have your answer. I wouldn't be surprised if he eventually messaged you but messaged you for selfish reasons. This is where your willpower needs to come in to go NC and stick with it. He doesn't want a relationship, you do and it will only hurt you to keep pursuing this guy.

 

If I were in his shoes and this girl who had feelings for me left me that message, I would respond to be clear on where we stand. However, I spoke to my roommate and he doesn't like taking responsibility for another person's emotions. He said that your message was clear so he didn't need to follow up. He said you made it clear that you wanted space.

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So....did I do wrong by telling him what I did? I felt awful doing it because it feels like with each minute, the longing to want to be a part of his life grows stronger. The past week, even though it was so confusing, was really great. And I wish I could ask him just one more time if he really didn't have any feelings for me...because two days ago he said he did.

 

I'm just a basket case now.

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Hun, he won't even answer your phone calls to hear what you have to say.

Please just leave it at that, stick to your word because there's nothing worse than saying one thing and doing another.

I wish I'd been here at the beginning of the thread because "What?" really irritated me. What does "What?" mean??? You can't mishear a text - you misread it and read it again.

The original first text was absolutely enough, and all this dilly dallying around with explaining it to him just dragged it on further.

Leave him to his own devices now, whatever the reply! If there's a question in there asking you to explain further seriously, just leave it. If he honestly has that much trouble reading it yet really wants to know about your 'cryptic clues' then he can sit and study it for a while. It's not your problem.

The hope of you two getting back together will fade, you'll eventually see him for what he is.

If it makes you feel better though, leaving him alone and not being a doormat probably has way more promise to it than not.

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