I [23F] want to break up with my boyfriend [23M] of six years...

[letsgoletsgo]

I’m hoping you can offer some much needed advice. A bit of background: I’ve been with my boyfriend since junior year of high school. We went to the same college and stayed together throughout our four years there. After graduation, we both moved back to our home town—I’m working now and he’s going to grad school.

 

Our relationship throughout college wasn’t easy. His younger sister was diagnosed with cancer during our sophomore year, and he became extremely depressed and withdrawn. I was struggling with my own issues (anxiety and depression), but decided to put them on hold in an effort to support him. I cut myself and cried all the time sophomore year (1. because of my depression and 2. because my boyfriend was so detached and equally depressed). He said he wanted to break up during sophomore year, but our “break up” only lasted about a week. Junior year got a little better—I wasn’t cutting anymore and he wasn’t as withdrawn. However, his little sister died spring of our junior year, and then that summer he said he wanted to break up. Again, it only lasted for about a week. The fall of our senior year, he was worried about the future and didn’t know if it made sense for us to be together. But we stayed together anyway. It was a lot of push and pull.

 

Looking back on all that happened, I don’t think it was good for me mentally or emotionally. I think I needed to do a lot of personal growth, which was stunted when I felt the need to take care of my boyfriend. Anyway, last spring (spring of senior year) I developed a crush on a guy I met through class. I texted him frequently, and met up with him at coffee shops a few times, just as friends because he knew I had a boyfriend. During this time, I figured that it was time for me to finally do some personal growth so I decided to break up with my boyfriend. That didn’t go as planned, though. My boyfriend said I was being selfish and that he didn’t want to break up. I felt guilty, so we didn’t. Throughout this past summer and fall, I would go through periods of texting my crush and then not texting him at all. Now, my crush and I are texting again—very, very often. He knows I’m still with my boyfriend.

 

I feel so guilty for texting this crush all the time because my boyfriend has been so sweet and caring these past months. He basically treats me like a queen, but I guess I want something else if I feel the need to be with another guy. I’m confused and life doesn’t make any sense to me. I can’t ignore these feelings I have, but am I a monster for wanting to be single? I’ve only ever been with my boyfriend. But I want to experience new things, learn to be independent, and keep working on my psychological issues. How on earth do I deal with this?

 

Thanks so much.

[nick66]

You asked, "How do I deal with this?"

 

You follow your heart and your feelings. You're not married, so that does perhaps make it a bit easier. It's not fair to him if you stay with him feeling the way you do. You need to be honest not only with him, but also yourself. You're still young and you have a lot to experience in life. It will be hard but you'll both get over this breakup if that's what you choose.

 

If you were my daughter I would tell you to follow your heart and to do whatever makes you happy. This is your life, and you need to make yourself happy first and foremost. People get in trouble when they feel that their first priority in life is to make someone else happy. It's not your job to make someone else happy, that's their job.

[maccerz]

You need to be single. You don't want to be staying with this guy just for the sake of it, you'll kick yourself in years to come if you do! Though I don't think you should be breaking up with him just to get with this other guy, you've been in a relationship for 6 years, I think you should take the next few months to just be by yourself and have some fun without having to worry about anyone! And just focus on all your issues without any distractions! I think everyone should get to experience a bit of selfishness in their 20s, god knows when u reach your 30s you could possibly have a husband and children you wont have anytime to just focus on YOU, so take advantage of it now!! Go enjoy being young and figure out who you are on your own!

[Doc Blaze]

I think you have a right to be single..but you shouldnt be leading your bf on anymore...Be honest... Say what comes from your heart..its going to hurt regardless for him. its not going to make it any easier by staying with him when your heart is elsewhere.its not fair to him to be texting your crush but staying with ur bf...

 

But make sure its really what you want and its not just because a new person is showing you attention(not saying it in a mean way) i just know it feels good for some peopel after years to have someone different showing them attention...

[letsgoletsgo]

Thank you for the replies. This is all great advice. A lot to think about

[Ms Darcy]

I think it's better to break up with your bf than to cheat on him emotionally whilst he thinks everything is OK.

[Twidom]

Stop leading him around and be honest with everything. It's unfair with both of you.

[bulletproof]

I don't know if you are going to experience personal growth if you leave one relationship to start another with the guy you've been texting. If you're serious about really growing as an individual, I think you should break up with your bf and also stop with the other guy. But if you're simply looking to start a new relationship with someone else, then you still have to break up with your bf, anyway. So there's your answer.

[catfeeder]

BF doesn't have veto power over your breakup if that's what you want.

 

All relationships are voluntary. When one person wants out, they're allowed out.

 

If BF guilt tripped you into staying when you last broke up with him, be prepared for him to try that again. It worked last time, and he has zero to lose by making you feel lousy.

 

I'd leave the crush alone until you finish current business. Your contact potentially sets you up as disloyal, and that will harm any relationship you overlap with because it starts with the premise that you are untrustworthy.