Jump to content

Advice on being indecisive


bluebell29

Recommended Posts

Picking up on something I read in another thread about a woman was too indecisive about a guy who then moved on - I need some advice on whether I may be being too indecisive/passive/slow etc. The reason I started thinking about this is that with the last 3-4 guys I have dated (through online dating, so I know there is a huge element of misaligned intentions from the start), I get the feeling that I was moving too slow for them and they thought I wasn't interested when in fact I was.

 

Now I'll be the first to admit that I'm not someone who jumps right in and very much need to know and trust a guy before moving into the emotional and physical territory. However, I think that guys get the impression that I am not into them when I deliberately try to slow down the pace of things (whether it be texting, seeing each other too much, etc). I think it's fair to say I appear pretty indecisive and on the fence for a while. Then after spending quite a bit of time (e.g. 4-5 dates for a first kiss) with the guy, I realise I do really like him but by then he's moved on or friend-zoned me.

 

Often when I am approached by a guy in a social setting, I take time to make up my mind about whether I like him and want to flirt or not. I feel like this tendency makes me lose out. As an example, I was out at a club last night and this quite attractive guy came up to me and started chatting. I was just listening and observing him when a friend of mine came over and started chatting back to the guy and before I knew it they were happily chatting away and he asked for her number. I didn't jump into flirting with the guy as quickly as my friend because I was still assessing whether I wanted to flirt with him and wanted to hear a bit more from him before I made up my mind.

 

I'm not sure how to reconcile being true to myself with showing the interest required to keep the guys wanting to stick around. I am naturally reserved and a guy who was interested in me once actually said I was too 'passive'. Not to brag or anything but I think part of the reason I am this way is that I used to get tons of male attention when I was growing up (as a teen/early twenties); so much so that it sort of overwhelmed me and made me retreat and scale back how much interest I show to guys. So yes, I do have a problem being open around men. Another part of me feels like I don't want to lead them on unless I'm actually sure about them and so I won't flirt etc. unless I'm sure. I recognise this is not a useful way of thinking btw!

 

Any practical advice would be very helpful. For e.g. should I so much as come out and tell a guy I like him on say a second date to make up for the lack of work my body language is doing? Or is it just a case of not having met someone in a while who just pushes all the right buttons in a way that I can't resist responding back? It would be helpful to know if guys would even continue trying with a girl who was pretty lukewarm in the beginning - or is it a case of trying if you really liked her and not otherwise?

 

Much thanks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In the case of the thread you're referring to, the guy did express a lot of interest and the girl did not reciprocate until he had already moved on. I think he came out and said he wanted to be with her and she essentially no and put herself in the "let's be friends" category. If you do that, then its fair game for them to move on. If you're interested in a guy and he says he's interested and you say you're interested...it should all flow from there. If he says he's interested and you say "no thanks", that's not the same thing. This woman wasn't interested until and after he had moved on....if you aren't interested until after the person has written you off and you weren't interested for months before that, then there's something else going on. It doesn't sound like that's the case for you so I wouldn't stress too much about it. When you meet a guy you like, send out your regular signals/body language and when he goes for it, you go for it too!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't see the harm in reciprocating interest that is simply flirting -not overtly sexual, not intense. Then you can decide later in the interaction or banter whether this is someone you want to see again. Of course if you are immediately turned off for some reason don't flirt but if you're on the fence, do some flirting and see what happens.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wouldn't try to apply situations that are different from yours to your life. That thread was a very different situation.

 

Given what you describe, I would tell you not to worry. In general, everyone is different. You shouldn't have to feel the need to flirt if and when you are not yet comfortable. What I would suggest is that you check in with friends you know and trust and see if you are friendly. I think as long as your body language is open (not closing arms and legs as you talk to men) and you are smiling and paying attention and actively engaged in the conversation, you are doing well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't see the harm in reciprocating interest that is simply flirting -not overtly sexual, not intense. Then you can decide later in the interaction or banter whether this is someone you want to see again. Of course if you are immediately turned off for some reason don't flirt but if you're on the fence, do some flirting and see what happens.

 

 

OP I used to be exactly like you (and sometimes still am). Very very slooooow. Didn't want to flirt etc. unless I knew for sure, yet it took so long that the guy would obviously move on. But now I do what Batya wrote--though I find that since I haven't been dating for over a year, I am falling back into my super slow and cautious habits. So this thread is a good reminder to stop doing that. Lol.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think part of the reason I am this way is that I used to get tons of male attention when I was growing up (as a teen/early twenties); so much so that it sort of overwhelmed me and made me retreat and scale back how much interest I show to guys.

 

I don't think the answer is to swing to the opposite end of the spectrum as you have. Scaling back how much interest you show a guy comes accross as not being interested--and given how short attention spans are, they're going to put in only so much time and if you aren't acting interested, they're moving on. That's just how life is. Very, very, very few men are going to wait around as you're expecting them to. Some will, and you will have to wade through the lot of guys before you find that one who will... and he may decide he's not interested in the long run, so...

 

There is something else that is terrifying you from putting yourself out there to return a harmless flirtation. Flirting isn't making a commitment--it's just being sociable on a superficial level.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks ladies for the (as usual) great advice (p.s. Batya, savignon and Ms Darcy, I'm a fan ). Happybear, glad to know I'm not alone on this kind of behaviour!

 

Kendahke - I don't think I have any other fear/complex really except a very heightened sensitivity to leading a guy on and feeling bad later if I decide I don't like him. I think my fears otherwise are quite natural ones of not being hurt so moving a little cautiously.

 

But I think I do see that I might be unnecessarily being a bit of an ice princess. It is weird that if I don't like a guy at all, I'm able to make quite effortless small talk but if I do think I might like him, the thinking takes over...

 

I think I will try the 'be nice and friendly to everyone regardless' approach and decide later if I like the person or not. Hopefully I won't gather too much bad dating karma!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am like you regarding flirting. I hate leading men on when I'm not sure and, I imagine, this has cost me in some cases. However, I am 'nice and friendly'..it's just when someone starts flirting too soon (too soon for me!) that I stop responding or change the subject. But I'm too old to change and any guy who's interested in me, will have to wait it out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm a guy but I have the same issue with online dating from the opposite side. With most women I've been involved with before, we were aquaintances before we started dating, so they already knew me through friends at least enough to know that I wasn't a rapist/axe murderer. With OLD, even after a few dates, a woman has only known me for a total of a few hours. So while I understand the reluctance to go to my apartment (or let me pick her up at hers) immediately, I'm not much for PDA and going for a kiss in the parking lot before we take separate cars to go home after a date is super awkward! In real life there's usually been some flirting or something initially before the actual date, but with OLD you just show up having never seen this person before and I can't even decide what I think about her after the first couple of dates.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes! Glad someone else agrees! One guy I met online (but we ended up deciding to just be friends) asked me how long it takes me to feel comfortable making out with someone - 4 dates? 6? And I was thinking....ummm yes, that's still usually a total of less than 24 hours of knowing someone in the best case scenario!

 

I've previously only been involved with people I met through work and it meant I saw them every single day for weeks or months before dating. Maybe that has contributed to my slow-burn approach too. I was never into getting picked up at a bar.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes! Glad someone else agrees! One guy I met online (but we ended up deciding to just be friends) asked me how long it takes me to feel comfortable making out with someone - 4 dates? 6? And I was thinking....ummm yes, that's still usually a total of less than 24 hours of knowing someone in the best case scenario!

 

I've previously only been involved with people I met through work and it meant I saw them every single day for weeks or months before dating. Maybe that has contributed to my slow-burn approach too. I was never into getting picked up at a bar.

 

Yeah, I don't know if it is just that I haven't met the right woman yet, and that when I do I'll know it and there won't be any hesitation. Or if I just need more than a couple of hours to get to know somebody. I mean, I have picked up women at bars before and had one night stands, but I'm trying to be more of an adult grown up person about things than that now. I feel like I could definitely "put the moves" on these women and move things along a lot more quickly if I wanted to, but I'm trying to decide if I actually WANT to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's fair to say I appear pretty indecisive and on the fence for a while. Then after spending quite a bit of time (e.g. 4-5 dates for a first kiss) with the guy, I realise I do really like him but by then he's moved on or friend-zoned me.

 

When a train doesn't stop at your station, it's not your train.

 

Think of building a puzzle. You need to try out all kinds of matches before finding a fit. If you rush to jam two pieces that only 'appear' to work, this will impact the outcome of your puzzle.

 

Maturing into confidence is important to making you good relationship material. You own the self respect to not be rushed along. Trust that, and not the ego discomfort everyone feels when a salesman pulls the 'take-away technique' to land a fast contract.

 

Patience is not only a virtue--it's smart and won't waste your time on anyone with an inclination to shop around for the fastest and cheapest high.

 

Allow wrong matches to pass early. The right person will 'get you' and there is no better feeling than the chemistry and synchronicity of a bond with one who owns that capacity to recognize and appreciate your unique gifts.

 

Trust your Self, and hold out for THAT.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm a guy but I have the same issue with online dating from the opposite side ... I'm not much for PDA and going for a kiss in the parking lot before we take separate cars to go home after a date is super awkward! In real life there's usually been some flirting or something initially before the actual date, but with OLD you just show up having never seen this person before and I can't even decide what I think about her after the first couple of dates.

 

Yeah, I don't know if it is just that I haven't met the right woman yet, and that when I do I'll know it and there won't be any hesitation. Or if I just need more than a couple of hours to get to know somebody. I mean, I have picked up women at bars before and had one night stands, but I'm trying to be more of an adult grown up person about things than that now. I feel like I could definitely "put the moves" on these women and move things along a lot more quickly if I wanted to, but I'm trying to decide if I actually WANT to.

 

No offense to the poster, but I have never understood it when some men say they can/have had one night stands with a woman they met in a bar for a few hours but hesitate to go in for a kiss after a second/third date with a woman they met from a dating site. In both cases, one would think you know if there is attraction at least.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I may be biased because I am exactly like you when it comes to flirting, but in my opinion - don't change a thing! It's good to take your time, observe the guy and decide whether he's somebody worth your time or not. And if the answer is not, then what's the point in flirting? Just like me, you seem to be way past the stage where you want and need ego boosts, so then there's absolutely no point in giving a guy false hope and waste your time and his flirting for the sake of flirting.

 

In the situation you described at the club, you really didn't miss out on anything. As a matter of fact, you unknowingly weeded out a guy who obviously wouldn't have been good for you. Had he been truly interested in you as a person, he would have continued trying to strike up conversations with you, and he wouldn't have been so easily taken away from you by your friend. He was looking for the easier prey, the girl he didn't have to put in too much effort to win over. Lucky break for you!

 

So...don't change.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was like you... I am naturally reserved and when i started dating ppl - guys thought i was not interested but i got better at body language, eye contact and smile. I only got better because of dating. Keep dating...

 

One thing that does seem to wrk is when i laugh or smile. I naturally dont smile - im pretty stoic but when a guy makes me smile with a comment or a joke, he knows he got me because im a sucker for bad jokes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think also, that if you are going on dates with a guy and you like him but are being slow and not flirty, and you don't want him to think you are not interested, you should be honest about it. I am really slow with physical stuff, even just flirty touching, and I always tell dates about it if I am into them, so that they don't get the impression that I am not interested.

 

Same with my feelings, I take awhile to figure out how I feel, there has only been one occasion where I knew on the second date that I really liked the guy and wanted to be with him and I told him that on the third date, we were together for about 2 years--but that was rare. But it all comes down to being honest, if you are on your second-third-forth date and you are still being reserved but genuinely enjoy his company and want to continue getting to know him, then be honest, tell him this so that he isn't sitting there having to guess. You know that you lean this way and that I comes accross as disinterest so i think it's even more important to verbalize how you are feeling about him and being honest about who you are (a slow-burner).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There are 2 problems I would have with this approach: 1) coming accross too keen by actually verbalising it and 2) that I wouldn't be sure of my feelings myself so there's a high chance I'm leading him on!

 

I try to show interest by intitiating some dates/texts. Hopefully that isn't back-firing or being interpreted as chasing...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...