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Strong urge to contact her..


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So last night I forced myself to go to a gay event where I'd never been before. i had to take an hour an a half train ride to get there. I could spend the night on the couch of a gay friend. I didn't much feel like it but was excited about the change of scenery So I did. It wasn't fun at all. Too crowded and by the end of the night beer and soda were all over me. I hated it. By morning we went home and now a couple of hours later I'm on the train back.

 

It was horrible. I saw girls that I didnt find attractive at all, I saw girls that were in fact attractive and nice but not interested, I saw couples making out on the dancefloor,... And I missed my ex soo much. In these weeks post-BU, I never felt more alone than last night.

 

As if it wasn't enough, a lesbian friend of mine who broke up with her ex around the same time as my breakup, bc she cheated on her, has been down like me but NOW het ex is persueing her and wants to get her back. They have never done complete NC and now I'm doubting if things would be different if I didnt do NC...

So this friend feels good now knowing she can have her ex back and play around with her a little. She is cautious but happy with the begging and pleading her ex has been doing.

 

As for me, I went NC, I have absolutely no clue whether my ex misses me or not but I'm guessing not or maybe only when she 's lonely. And I miss her to pieces!! These last days I feel such a strong need to contact her!!

 

Why do things seem to work out for everyone (in my rather large circle of friends) except me?

i never asked for anything except my gf loving me and appreciating me.

 

(I'm well aware I'm wollowing in self-pity here but felt the need to vent..)

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Hi Lucha, sorry to hear you're feeling down, I can identify with that emotional hangover, that's not much fun, after a night out that was crap

Remember that this too shall pass and I'm sure that in a few months you'll be feeling totally different to this, maybe you need some time alone right now to sit with your feelings a bit and process everything

I think you've definitely done the right thing by going no contact with your ex, I know from experience that NOTHING makes you miss an ex more or gets you thinking more than if they just seem to disappear right off the face of the earth!

Do something kind to yourself today and do something you enjoy, I'm sure you'll be better soon and tomorrow's a new day

Hugs, Lady D xx

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If she goes back with her ex, things most likely will end for the same reason they ended the first time. Things are working for YOU, not for the rest of your friends.

 

I know twidom, but right now all I can see is my friend being super confident and happy about her ex practically begging her to give them another try. While my ex is being the most distant person on the planet, h*ll she might even be out of space right now. Calling me, me not picking up the phone, then her texting me all 'cool and together', like she would do with any other acquaintance. I want to tell her I miss her and I cant. It sucks

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I know twidom, but right now all I can see is my friend being super confident and happy about her ex practically begging her to give them another try. While my ex is being the most distant person on the planet, h*ll she might even be out of space right now. Calling me, me not picking up the phone, then her texting me all 'cool and together', like she would do with any other acquaintance. I want to tell her I miss her and I cant. It sucks

 

My ex contacted me twice in the first week she broke up with me. And then nothing. It's been almost 4 months. Would you prefer it like that? Does it make a difference if your ex contacts you? She's not saying "I want us back" so what's the point?

 

Don't get me wrong. I know how you feel. I've been crying to sleep for almost 2 weeks now because I miss my ex too. But staying in touch with someone I love deeply and want to kiss and share her life with another guy is not something I could handle myself. If people say it get's better, it get's better. I'm yet to see a newspaper article "Man dies after his girlfriend breaks up with him" so I'm trusting time...

 

Stay strong buddy. It's like a dead friend. You can't do anything about it, it's GONE. Only time can give you perspective enough to cope with it.

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Why do things seem to work out for everyone (in my rather large circle of friends) except me?

i never asked for anything except my gf loving me and appreciating me.

 

I think the difference is your friend's ex wants to get back together and yours doesn't. It has nothing to do with you but rather the ex. You just need to find a way to accept that the love is gone.

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Apparently you're both right.. I still just can't believe it! I think maybe it is too painful to accept and that's why I'm still in denial. You have to know that during those first months everything was so beautiful. She loved me so, so, so much. When she didnt get a goodnight kiss she was hurt. When we had an argument over how messy she was and I flapped out just how annoying it was to me she cried. That she wanted to be with me forever and that me saying that hurt her. She would come home from work and look at me, so in love. We could cuddle and talk for hours.. Now it's all gone i just cant believe this happened..

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Didn't she call you 3 times last week?

 

Whether your goal is to get her back or heal and move on, NC is the answer. It forces her to really feel, deep in her soul, what life is like without you. If the feelings are strong enough, and you're not responding to crumbs, she will eventually send a message to the effect that she was wrong and wants to get back togethre. And if she doesn't get to that point, you're better off finding someone else who does love you the way you deserve to be loved. NC is great because it forces the issue, rather than dragging it out for years, so you can either heal and move on or get back together with someone who has a newfound appreciation of you.

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I think the most effective thing to do when you break up is to have one clear conversation where you say, if you change your mind and want to talk about getting back together, then please call me and we'll talk. But if all you're interested in is being friends and you no longer love me and want to pursue other people rather than work on a relationship with me, then don't call me and leave me alone and let me heal.'

 

So that way you know IF they want to be with you, you've left the door open with an invitation to call. But if they don't want to be with you, you get left alone to heal. There is nothing in 'being friends' with an ex when you are in love and want a romantic relationship. It's easy for them, but horrible for you. So don't allow it. Allow the door to be open IF she changes her mind and wants you back, but otherwise, time to move on and let go.

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Didn't she call you 3 times last week?

 

Whether your goal is to get her back or heal and move on, NC is the answer. It forces her to really feel, deep in her soul, what life is like without you. If the feelings are strong enough, and you're not responding to crumbs, she will eventually send a message to the effect that she was wrong and wants to get back togethre. And if she doesn't get to that point, you're better off finding someone else who does love you the way you deserve to be loved. NC is great because it forces the issue, rather than dragging it out for years, so you can either heal and move on or get back together with someone who has a newfound appreciation of you.

 

Thank you for this, it actually makes me feel a little better.. You are right that NC is probably the best answer to either moving on or optimizing chances to get back together. But it is not upto me, I have done everything I can. The choice is hers to make. I can only hope she chooses wisely. And if not I have to move on and it will be like she has died. Because staying 'friends' just doesnt work for me.

 

I have in fact had such a conversation with her, @lavenderdove, I even had multiple conversations about this. This was the reason she had so much doubt and why she strung me along for months. She had to slowly detach bc she couldn't deal with me suddenly falling off the face of the earth. So for two months I let her wean herself off me, not knowing what was going on. I just believed she was genuinely confused and I always had this (now very counterproductive) feeling we we're meant to be.

 

What happened after the breakup is her mailing me with the 'can't we be friends' line, me replying with 'we have been through this before, no we can not' and then her saying 'ok i respect your decision' and me caving after ten days or something, texting her 'how are you?'. And replying to one or two texts, briefly.

 

I honestly believe that with that stupid how are you -text I completely screwed up the message of 'dont contact me if you only want to be friends, call me if you want to give us another try'. So by her calling me three times last week, which I didnt answer btw, I assume that it wasnt a get back together kinda call. She texted that she was alone a lot, thinking about things. Nothing specific though. Just something to keep me thinking of her..

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I'm going through exactly the same stuff Lucha . Me & my ex-bf broke up back in October...but got back together within a month. Now a month ago he told me he wanted to be back more because he missed me as a friend rather than anything else. And in those 2 months in the middle I also felt like I may have been just strung along while he was making his mind up

 

My friends bf recently broke up with her too (they are my housemates and we all live together) so going NC for them is IMPOSSIBLE. Now he wants her back and the way he looks at her just makes me want my ex-bf to look at me like that too. I want him to fight for me too. Then I feel like moving on might be what's best for me...so confused.

 

The gay scene in my town that I've moved to is non-existent so there's no-one to even distract myself with (although that would hardly be healthy!).

 

I know what you mean by remembering past events and feeling like...How the hell has it all come down to THIS. I went to the beach with my friend who got broken up with today & we both remembered we came to that same beach 2 years ago. Full of optimism for life...full of potential back then. And we both cried thinking we'd never imagined we'd be going back there so broken

 

Here's a hug to make yo feel better *hug*

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I know what you mean by remembering past events and feeling like...How the hell has it all come down to THIS. I went to the beach with my friend who got broken up with today & we both remembered we came to that same beach 2 years ago. Full of optimism for life...full of potential back then. And we both cried thinking we'd never imagined we'd be going back there so broken

 

 

The lesson here is to get yourself full of optimism, full of potential....but without another person. You have to find that feeling within yourself rather than in someone else. Then you will attract a new and even better relationship into your life. You can't manifest anything when you are noticing its absence.

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The lesson here is to get yourself full of optimism, full of potential....but without another person. You have to find that feeling within yourself rather than in someone else. Then you will attract a new and even better relationship into your life. You can't manifest anything when you are noticing its absence.

The irony is back then I wasn't in a relationship with my ex-bf....it was a few months after that that I got into a relationship. So I know I can feel all those things on my own on some level... but the worst part is I feel like I can never go back to that. You are right though about not being able to manifest anything when you all you see is the absence of something. The funny thing is I know the best case scenario for me right now is to back to two years ago & to let myself develop more with those feelings that I had rather than going back to the relationship (although I doubt he even wants to go back ever maybe)

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The lesson here is to get yourself full of optimism, full of potential....but without another person. You have to find that feeling within yourself rather than in someone else. Then you will attract a new and even better relationship into your life. You can't manifest anything when you are noticing its absence.

 

This is true. ALso it's funny because lately I've been feeling that the love I have (had) for my Ex is something like an addiction. I feel I'm in detox process and sometimes I feel "sober" and it feels great!?!? Don't know if that makes sense. But I have these small moments where I feel full of optimism and potential... single!

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