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Difficult situation. How do I cope with it?


SSmoGG

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Hey guys. I apologize in advance if this takes a bit long to read but my situation is rather complicated and I cannot describe it in just a few sentences.

 

We broke up with my girlfriend after two and a half years of a beautiful relationship, we both actually don't know why it had to end, it just did. I guess we "got used to each other" and the passion faded away from our relationship. I guess it was initiated by me but she did not argue and we split in the most friendly way you can imagine. We still visit each other's families since I have really good relationship with her parents and she with mine. We even still had sex once in a while and boy was it good sex This state lasted for about three months and then it all went bad. I noticed she started to chat a lot with some guy and even told me she is crazy about him because he makes her feel something deep inside she hadn't felt in a long time. I too did not fall asleep, I got interested in a neighbour at my student flat (me and my ex study in a different city and go home for the weekends). I also shared this with her since we have really special relationship and we aren't able to hide anything from each other. As my mother had said, we seem more like twins rather than a couple, that's how tight our souls are, and my mother was not the only one to see it this way. So one thing led to another and after one great night of drinking and partying I had sex with the neighbour girl. I did not feel guilty or ashamed, we were split with my ex and so there were no hard feelings. But when I told her, she did not make scene or anything, on the contrary, she seemed relaxed. After a few days I learned why. She took my confession as a permit to throw away our relationship completely and start dating the other guy. And boy did I take it badly. I think I would be better off if she's also just slept with some stranger than see her happy in arms of some other guy. She literally grew prettier and I don't know if that's because she feels a new, fresh love for someone else or is it because she's out of my reach now. That took and still takes a huge toll on me. I can't eat or sleep, my grades dropped and overall I feel like s**t.

 

Now comes the tricky part. After she started seeing this other guy on regular basis, we talked and chatted a lot because she saw what it's doing to me and she was worried. She ensured me that she feels the same way I feel, that I am her soulmate and she doesn't want to lose me (note: before breakup, we were already planning a wedding and had kids' names picked) and that she knows that we will end up and grow old together. Yes, I feel the same way but I can't stand having her around me and not being her loved one. She even encourages me to start dating the neighbour girl because she is really nice and they know each other. But I simply cannot, we spend a lot of time together with the neighbour girl and we are having a great time but I can't stop thinking about my ex whenever I'm with the neighbour girl or alone. The neighbour girl is just like a sloppy band-aid on my empty heart. Recently I grew tired of all this emotions flowing through me and literally making me throw up and I wrote to my ex that I am really desperate and I need to seize all contact with her because my head will drive me mad. But she replied that it's not possible, that she would go insane if she had to stop being friends with me.

 

So I guess that's it. Can you guys tell me how to sort this out, how does she really feel about me and whether our future plans can be real or is it just a colourful dream that's too far ahead?

 

Thank you all.

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Sounds to me like you only want her now that you can't have her. You two spent a lot of time together after the breakup without wanting to get back together with her in any substantial way, but as soon as she gets into a relationship with someone else you realize that she's the one? It's hypocritical of you to claim that she "threw away your relationship completely" by dating someone new, when you were the one to pursue someone else first. She definitely did not need a "permit" to go after this other guy, considering you are no longer in a relationship. Both of you were single, and you were already sleeping with other girls and "did not feel guilty or ashamed". So why shouldn't she have the same?

 

My advice to you is to take the space you need away from her. There's nothing you can do to win her back, and there's a chance that you won't even want to be together after the adrenaline rush has settled and she's yours again. You can't control who she wants to be with, but she can't control your decision to be in contact. If you can't handle speaking to her - don't. Cut ties, heal, and move on with your life.

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Yes, yes I know my feelings are hypocritical but I just can't help it. But let me make myself clear at some points. We broke up with the mutual idea that we just want to try something new and enjoy life independently so that we wouldn't jump into marriage so young (we are both 22) and already tired of each other. But as soon as it really happened, it breaks my heart. And I considered myself as very little emotional person (I don't get too attached to people, I have friends but never had no BFF, I don't cry at funerals or weddings etc...) and therefore I was really surprised what it did to me. After she went out with him one night I couldn't sleep till she came back because I really care about her and couldn't sleep till she was safely home. I guess I had it coming but didn't expect it to take such a huge toll on my mind. Honestly I don't know if there's any advice you can give me, maybe I just want to be heard you know

 

And no, I don't want to move on with my life in a long term perception without her. It's not only me that knows she's the one. When I announced our breakup to my parents, my mother cried and father said he already saw us having children. So I still count on us to end up together, I just can't get over this change, that she's not with me now. But she's going away for a month to see her grandmother in Australia so I guess this month away will help us both and then we'll see. And later on I'm also going abroad for half a year. I think I'm just worried she will forget about me. But you can't really forget someone who is connected as a twin, can you?

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