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I didn't make a move- twice. Now she's gone


Hugwolf

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Hi ENA, it's been a long, long time since I last posted!

 

I just need to vent right now because I'm feeling so frustrated with myself. I'm pretty sure I missed another opportunity to advance with someone I liked just because I was too afraid/shy to initiate and express myself romantically. I've always been incredibly shy and reserved around girls- or most people for that matter- that I like but now I feel that I MUST overcome this before I meet another great girl so I don't make the same mistakes.

 

I was introduced to her through a mutual friend months ago. Our first date went really well. We were both really excited to have met, had lot's in common, and I found her very attractive. We went out two more times and had a good time, but I never made any romantic move. We just hugged at the end and that was that, plus I was super nervous and probably came off a bit awkward. I asked her out a few more times but she turned me down each time with the "too busy" excuses and so I let it go. At the time I chalked it up to her just not being that into me.

 

Almost two months went by with no communication then and I see her at a friend's birthday party. I expected her to be standoffish but to my surprise she came right up to me, squeezed my arm, and seemed genuinely excited to see me. She suggested that we should go out sometime soon, and although I was really confused now I figured I should ask her out and see what happens.

 

We went out two more times. The first time was very short and we didn't have a lot of time to talk, but the second time was great. Thinking back, there were many signals that she was interested, but I didn't act because I was waiting for HER to make a move to make me feel more comfortable with my shyness (as has happened in my previous relationships). After leaving the restaurant where we had been, we continued talking outside and it seemed neither of us was in a hurry to leave. We discussed a bunch of future date ideas at that point too. I suggested we should part because I knew she was getting up really early in the morning. We hugged goodbye, and then neither of us left and we kept chatting! I reached out for another hug before going, she dove in... and I just hugged her. Game over. It must have looked like I wasn't interested, or that I was scared.

 

I sent her a few brief texts regarding things we had talked about recently, and she responded, but I have sent two texts asking her out and received no response - silence. (I'd call but she doesn't seem like a phone person so I don't bother with that anymore)

 

Do you think she thinks I rejected her and I just want to hang out as friends? Or, more likely, she just lost interest because I was taking so much time? Part of me wants to reach out and explain how I feel, but then I also feel like that would be a bad idea. I know we didn't go on a ton of dates and I probably shouldn't feel so invested in this--- guess I liked her a bit more than I realized and I'm really upset I didn't act.

 

Thanks for reading if you made it this far! I'd be interested in hearing any similar stories or suggestions!

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I think she thinks your are not interested in her romantically. You've had 5 dates and never got past a hug good bye and sisnt lock in the next date. I think you just played it too passively. She gave every indication of being interested.

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Send her a txt right now and ask her if she would like to go to dinner.

 

You're acting passively now, by posting in this forum instead of getting the girl.

 

I have done that twice already over the past week with no response from her. I could ask again but isn't it going to start to look desperate? I guess I need to make it clear that I'm not just looking to hang out... which is what I basically have not made clear....

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If she hasn't responded to you, don't text her again. She's telling you the answer by not responding.

 

You missed out on this one. Accept it. There are lots of girls out there. Learn from this experience and be less passive next time.

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How old are you both, if you don't mind me asking?

 

This has brought back memories of when I was painfully shy and on a first date.

I still feel some embarrassment when I think back; I didn't compliment her, made a mess of the food order, didn't clearly explain I wanted to pay for her meal, walked around with my hands squeezed into my pockets, made little eye contact, missed an opportunity to kiss her, and likely much more. As soon as she waved goodbye my heart sank and I knew I didn't perform as well as I should have. The only way I salvaged it was by taking a deep breath and phoning her once I knew she was home and showed some confidence by commenting on how much I enjoyed her company, how beautiful she looked, and suggested a new date I had in mind. Of course, I should have acting this way initially, but she understood. She was my first love.

 

I've mentioned this because despite how shy you are, it is extremely important to step outside of your comfort zone and try to take some initiative with women. I've still failed in the past, and I'm sure I will again in the future, but nowadays if I like somebody - I'm certain to let them know in one way or another. Failing is fine. What I've learned is that many girls do not mind shyness in men and can be very patient; but they still expect (and deserve) an effort to be made - as being shy is simply not a good enough excuse.

 

Now you have reflected upon the night, and you've realised you missed the signs that she was romantically interested - why not surprise her? If it is true you looked uninterested, or scared - this can squash her perception of you and enable her to re-question her first impressions, and show that despite your shyness/awkwardness - you care! What have you got to lose?

 

I've just noticed others have told you to move on. It's up to you, but I wish you the best in the future and hope that we both continue learning!

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I'm 35 and she's 32. I feel like I am behind the dating learning curve for my age and single status but that's just how it is. My shyness combined with the fact that my 20's were spent with one girl and my relationships since have formed with pretty forward people, I have had little personal pressure or opportunity to develop myself more in this area. Even though these circumstances suck, I'm glad they afforded me the chance to learn something new about myself!

 

Taking more initiative and expressing my interest in someone openly is definitely difficult for me. Hopefully being more aware of this and having this experience under my belt will motivate me to stop outside my comfort zone, like you said, and take more initiative in the future. I may have already lost her but I don't feel upset about it anymore. I know there will be others and I know that this was a valuable experience, so whether or not I ever see her again I feel like I have come out a better person.

 

With that said, I don't see shame now in trying to communicate to her that I have been interested and care but have had difficulty expressing it. Even if she isn't receptive, I agree that I have nothing to lose.

 

Thanks for your comments Bergk!!

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At this point, the only thing that could maybe get you some results is to be honest with her. Text her or email her (if you're too shy to call her) and don't ask for yet another date...just say 'I know I've probably messed things up but I really like you...if you could give me one more chance, you'd make me very happy'..and leave it at that. If there's some chance she's still into you, she'll reach out. If not, then, yes, just move on.

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Yeah man it sounds like she was into you and you just waited too long. She put herself out there twice and I'm sure was hoping you would pick up on the signals. I think you really had the green light there. Don't beat yourself up though - just take it as a learning experience. My personal rule of thumb is that if nothing happens by date 3 then it's game over. I usually try to make a move if there is any opportunity on the second date. Just go for it. Sometimes they aren't into it but then you probably won't see them again anyway and you won't have to play mind games after the fact about whether they were into you or not.

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At this point, the only thing that could maybe get you some results is to be honest with her. Text her or email her (if you're too shy to call her) and don't ask for yet another date...just say 'I know I've probably messed things up but I really like you...if you could give me one more chance, you'd make me very happy'..and leave it at that. If there's some chance she's still into you, she'll reach out. If not, then, yes, just move on.

 

That's pretty much my conclusion too. I don't want to sacrifice my self respect here but I think some brief honestly is okay. I've actually never once gotten her on the phone, and I've tried several times before resorting to texts to set up dates. She may be a bit on the shy side too or I've just always caught her at the wrong time. Thanks for your suggestion missmarple!

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I agree with missmarple. Why not just go for it? Tell her you do like her and you're kicking yourself for not being a little more forward in showing that to her and that you'd like to take her out again if she's still interested.

If she says no or doesn't respond..you're in the same boat as right now. Therefore, nothing to lose.

Go for it!!

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I'm 35 and she's 32. I feel like I am behind the dating learning curve for my age and single status but that's just how it is. My shyness combined with the fact that my 20's were spent with one girl and my relationships since have formed with pretty forward people, I have had little personal pressure or opportunity to develop myself more in this area. Even though these circumstances suck, I'm glad they afforded me the chance to learn something new about myself!

 

Taking more initiative and expressing my interest in someone openly is definitely difficult for me.

 

What strikes me is how old you are and how many excuses you have. You have had the experience of a relationship in your 20s, which is much more than a lot of shy men who have reached your age. What you are communicating is moreso laziness and/or passiveness. You are used to the women you've gone further with making the first move. It HAS worked for you. You are just finding that it's not going to work anymore.

 

You have to get out of the mindset of waiting or preserving your self-respect and just communicating. Why would you not call her? Because you "don't think she's a phone person"? It's like you are talking yourself out of courting her. If I were you, I would just call and leave a voice message and let her know you are interested in dating her/she can feel free to call her back.

 

Being more assertive won't always get you a relationship but at least you will know she knows how you feel.

 

Don't wait. You are too old for that dude. Good luck!

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She seems to be either playing games, or has ups and downs. I love how the posters dont point out that you both discussed future dates, and you asked her out and she goes silent... even though youve been pretty much chasing her since day one... thats ridiculous. That just goes to show you how much weight they put on the shoulders of men... thats why i always say, we drew the short end of the stick- you cant be insecure or weak because if you are its YOUR FAULT, you have to continue to sacrifice your self-esteem by throwing yourself at them.

 

Its no wonder people play games - if men have to hold back their flaws, because a woman has a set of rules that men have to follow... that just says... "here are the rules, good luck with the game." Because once you have to clinch your teeth each time to risk asking her out, and you have to hold back your feelings because one minute she turns you down, the next minute she wants to see you, then the next she doesnt... then that means you have to reel it back, in other words... you have to "play" along to figure out her erratic behavior.

 

Despite this, i agree with every post here (everything i said above is what really gives me an *up* when it comes to the competition, i play along- other men pout and die off the genetic pool). You need to take it by the horns, push your feelings to the side, and forget that you can become insecure and charge through. Once i had a streak of every woman i dated chasing me and liked me is when i was afraid of getting rejected, and when i got rejected back to back is when i grew a 'set', i became bolder, and i improved with the class of women i was able to date.

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I love how the posters dont point out that you both discussed future dates, and you asked her out and she goes silent... even though youve been pretty much chasing her since day one... thats ridiculous.

 

I agree with this, OP I don't think she is all that interested in you TBH or she is playing games. I dunno, maybe she is waiting for you to chase the crap outta her, but really? I can only speak for myself, but I have never gone silent with a guy that I had gone on a date with whom I also liked. If I go silent it's because I am not interested, or can't date the guy for whatever reason. If you want to contact her and say your piece then go ahead, but I wouldn't expect much from it

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I have definitely been passive with women in the past and it has still landed me a few relationships, but they weren't necessarily relationships with girls who I REALLY wanted to be with. I guess this is the first time I have had a failure with someone that I wanted to be with AND realized that the failure was most likely due to my inaction rather some other incompatibility or disinterest.

 

You're totally right on the phone call excuse. Calling terrifies me. I still don't think she's a phone person but using that as an excuse is really just to avoid making the call. Thanks for pointing that out.

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She seems to be either playing games, or has ups and downs. I love how the posters dont point out that you both discussed future dates, and you asked her out and she goes silent... even though youve been pretty much chasing her since day one... thats ridiculous. That just goes to show you how much weight they put on the shoulders of men... thats why i always say, we drew the short end of the stick- you cant be insecure or weak because if you are its YOUR FAULT, you have to continue to sacrifice your self-esteem by throwing yourself at them.

 

Yep. The more involved I have tried to become in dating in the past few years, the more I have become aware of the double standards and unfair gender roles. My initial thoughts about this were that I wouldn't be willing to play these game because I think they ARE unfair, but my thoughts lately have shifted. The fact is, this is just how it is with a lot of people. I'm a man and will just have to deal with it from time to time if I want to be more successful in the future.

 

This girl is by a huge margin the most erratic I have dated (okay, not a huge sample size). I've found it frustrating at times but honestly it has not bothered me much beyond that. I've just rolled with it and when she turned me down the first time I let it go. I'm far more concerned this time with my inability to step on the gas when the lights finally turned green.

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No ... a woman interested in you no matter what you did or didnt do, would respond and not keep making excuses.

 

Women who set high standards on how they want to be 'chase' are usually women who dont want a relationship with you. You probably need to ask yourself why you would still date someone who is being 'erratic' with you.

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No ... a woman interested in you no matter what you did or didnt do, would respond and not keep making excuses.

 

Not necessarily. This case reminds me of a guy I had gone on 4 dates with. He was nice, polite and I liked him but, although he kept asking me out, I felt that he saw me as a friend and, as a result, I eventually lost interest and faded away.

When you date someone, one of you has to make a move at some point..some women are ok with making that move. Some aren't. If this girl is anything like me, she probably thought he wasn't interested in her romantically and didn't want to waste her time. 5 dates without any sort of romantic move is friendship..not dating.

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So I e-mailed her and said that I messed up with her and let my shyness stop me from expressing how I felt in person, and that I was afraid that I had given her the wrong impression- I did in fact like her. I said that it would make me happy if I could take her out again if she was still interested and that it takes a while for me to warm up to new people I like.

 

Her response was that it had indeed been a guessing game with me and she did start to think that I just wanted to be friends. She told me a bit about her ex, who had 'emotional and communication issues,' that she spent the majority of the relationship trying to guess his feelings towards her and in the end she guessed wrong. She added that she was trying to avoid another situation like that. She then continued to say that she really enjoyed my company and that she would 'very much like to still hang out with me as friends.'

 

She ended the e-mail saying she sincerely appreciated that I was open with her about how I felt and that she 'couldn't tell me how flattered she was by it.' Signed with "hope to talk to you soon."

 

So there it is. I just woke up to the response this morning and I'm still digesting it so I don't know which direction to run yet. It is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders to have shared that with her and received a response, though!

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Good luck and please be more "Forward" with your intentions next time you hang out. I hate the double standard, but it still exists nonetheless.

 

and if it makes you feel any better, you have huge leg up on most men, most men that are passive/shy never get friend that set them up/or even run into opportunities where women are interest. Ok, well, at least in my case I have never had a women show interest towards me or had friends set-up me up. I have had to spend my entire life doing all the work, and usually it involves being rejected countless times before landing a date. Seems like people see enough value in you to set-you up! 90% of the battle is getting a women interested to go on date and that work was already done for you.

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Yes well done and good luck. Don't hesitate too long before offering an invitation (preferably a location where you can talk and properly share each other's company - not the movies!) No one is saying you have to be all over like a rash but do try to be more tactile this time. It will potentially be a little awkward until the ice is broken so don't let this run too long before at least giving her a kiss.

 

Is it me but just slightly concerned why she added the 'as friends' in the message - she would 'very much like to still hang out with me as friends.' Was this her way of reserving judgement on the situation perhaps?

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Hey

I feel for you.. I really do. I was dating a guy who was REALLY shy with me and I think he was rather in love with me. We went out 5 or 6 times and he still wouldn't touch me but I could tell he really liked me. However, his shyness started to turn me off. I needed him to be more confident and just kiss me or talk to me about his feelings. I finally managed to get it out of him and have him tell me how incredibly he shy was with me and that he usually wasn't like that but with me, he couldn't come out of his shell. I gave it a few more tries with him but when we finally attempted to have sex, he was SO shy. That's when I decided I couldn't be with him. I know it sounds harsh but confidence is really important to a woman... more than anything else. I think you should send this girl another text and tell her what you're feeling and say that you'd be really happy to take her out for dinner and give it another shot. Be completely honest with her and tell her what's up with you. She should open up to you at that point. If she doesn't, then she is not for you but at least you took that step towards overcoming your shyness with a girl you really like. She will know what you're thinking and maybe you will feel more comfortable with her... and if she knows that you are shy, maybe next time she will end up making a move to make things easier for you!

 

I say message her in a couple days and just be straight forward. Good luck.

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Good luck and please be more "Forward" with your intentions next time you hang out. I hate the double standard, but it still exists nonetheless.

 

and if it makes you feel any better, you have huge leg up on most men, most men that are passive/shy never get friend that set them up/or even run into opportunities where women are interest. Ok, well, at least in my case I have never had a women show interest towards me or had friends set-up me up. I have had to spend my entire life doing all the work, and usually it involves being rejected countless times before landing a date. Seems like people see enough value in you to set-you up! 90% of the battle is getting a women interested to go on date and that work was already done for you.

 

I think this is the first time a friend of mine has tried to set me up with someone and I've agreed to it. It is nice that someone thought of me like that but usually my eye for who I would want to be with is better than my friends, so I don't think it's that bad to rely on yourself to meet people. It definitely helps to meet girls who have already passed "the friend test" though!

 

The way I really met this girl was somewhat strange actually. My friend offered to set me up to meet this girl, but it went bad and she brought along a guy she was dating! We all laughed about it. Months later my friend told me that this girl had cut things off with her date and out of nowhere asked them to give me her number, which seemed weird because we had only met and barely talked to each other. Later it came out that she had been on okcupuid and I had sent her a message months before we met but I had not recognized her in person! But she recognized me. Kind of funny!

 

Thanks for your comments radiohead! I'll definitely be more bold the next time I go out with her (if I do).

 

Yes well done and good luck. Don't hesitate too long before offering an invitation (preferably a location where you can talk and properly share each other's company - not the movies!) No one is saying you have to be all over like a rash but do try to be more tactile this time. It will potentially be a little awkward until the ice is broken so don't let this run too long before at least giving her a kiss.

 

Is it me but just slightly concerned why she added the 'as friends' in the message - she would 'very much like to still hang out with me as friends.' Was this her way of reserving judgement on the situation perhaps?

 

The "friend" thing is what made me pause this morning when I first read her e-mail. I read the e-mail again at work and felt that the overall message was that she was being very cautious but was also taken aback by my honesty. I think I'm still in the "what have I got to lose" state of things and should try to get her out to talk and give me an opportunity to be more tactile, as you put it.

 

 

I think that ship has sailed but, hopefully, it's taught you a valuable lesson for the future.

 

Quite possible. Of course I'm hoping things progress but I'm oddly satisfied that I had this experience, nonetheless.

 

Hey

I feel for you.. I really do. I was dating a guy who was REALLY shy with me and I think he was rather in love with me. We went out 5 or 6 times and he still wouldn't touch me but I could tell he really liked me. However, his shyness started to turn me off. I needed him to be more confident and just kiss me or talk to me about his feelings. I finally managed to get it out of him and have him tell me how incredibly he shy was with me and that he usually wasn't like that but with me, he couldn't come out of his shell. I gave it a few more tries with him but when we finally attempted to have sex, he was SO shy. That's when I decided I couldn't be with him. I know it sounds harsh but confidence is really important to a woman... more than anything else. I think you should send this girl another text and tell her what you're feeling and say that you'd be really happy to take her out for dinner and give it another shot. Be completely honest with her and tell her what's up with you. She should open up to you at that point. If she doesn't, then she is not for you but at least you took that step towards overcoming your shyness with a girl you really like. She will know what you're thinking and maybe you will feel more comfortable with her... and if she knows that you are shy, maybe next time she will end up making a move to make things easier for you!

 

I say message her in a couple days and just be straight forward. Good luck.

 

Hi Di. I really appreciate that you shared this. I can only imagine that it is draining to deal with someone who does not do well making you feel comfortable in their presence, especially after so much time. I think part of feeling close to someone is the comfort, trust, and acceptance that you get when with them, but if they can't express that then you may feel that you'll never be completely at ease around them. They aren't even at ease with themselves.

 

She mentioned in her e-mail about going out for a beer or going to a concert (both things we do a lot anyway), so I'll probably just ask her to join me for a drink- something without much pressure. Whatever I do with her though, I have to put my shyness aside and be a bit more overt with my intentions and feelings.

 

Thanks again for everyone's comments!

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