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issues with an old friend- looking for a males perspective on this


s0rry

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this dude ill call b and i were great friends in high school. we drunkenly hooked up jr year and i took his v card. after that we went out for a couple months and he cheated with another girl from our school and i retaliated by immediately pairung up with another guy in our circle of friends and from then on we were no longer friends. i was super bummed about it cuz i really did love him as a friend but he acted like he hated me so what could i do. fast forward to me 18 years old coming back home after living out of state for 2 years. he hit me up out of the blue wanting to chill and i was so happy thinking he wants to be friends again yay! so we hang out and he tried to hook up and i turned him down. then it was back to the not talking, hating me stuff. a few months later i saw him and his friend at a concert and invited them to a party afterwards and his friend was down but b just answered with a flat "no" and walked away. whatever. i ran into him next at our mutual friends funeral and he was so cold and short with me! after that i was fed up i mean he couldn't drop the act for when our friend DIED?? i just told myself he's whack forget about it.

fast forward again, im 22 living 9 hours from our city. b hits me up again out of the blue wanting to chill and my initial reaction was hell no a hole! but he was persistent and being the generous chance giver i am i agreed to go to a comedy show w him. at first it was great we were talking and goofing around just like old times. and then i got super drunk and angry. on the train ride back to his house i started grilling him like how come you wanna hangout with me now you butthole kindof stuff. he said he was sorry that he was being stupid and shouldn't have treated me that way and i was just like whatever dude f you!!! then we had sex initiated by my drunk angry self (facepalm) ever since he's been texting me like were best buds again and im just confused. i think i really messed up by hooking up with him. he keeps talking about wanting to visit me here and he just invited me to this concert thats on valentines day. i really do want him to visit and i really want to go to that show but im worried he's expecting sex from me now. he's cool and i really want to be friends with him again but not if thats what his in it for. i've also been dating this guy for the past month we aren't exclusive but i like him and definitely don't feel right about giving b the okay to come visit me here while thats going on. did i ruin my chances of being friends with him?? i just dont know what to do about it.

and please don't judge me for my activities im not all that wild...

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What do you want to do?

 

A couple of questions

- what would it be like to prioritise spending a bit more time with the guy you've been dating for the past month, that you said you like?

- do you want to spend more time with "b". He does seem to have been... lets say "intermittent" with you for a while hasn't he?

 

actually... sod the diplomacy for 30 seconds

 

It seems "b" has been intermittent with you, he cheated originally, he treats you angrily when it suits him even at a funeral, he turned down your party invite when it didn't suit him, and yet he invites you to a valentines day even when it suits him. I may be mis-summarising slightly, but my gut feel is that you should run for the hills away from this guy, because he only respects you when it suits him, and find someone who will respect you more than just that.

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He can't just want you for sex if you don't let him have you just for sex. You act and talk like you have no control over yourself, that everything is up to him. What's wrong with you that you can't go to the concert with him and then leave once it's over without having sex? Whats wrong with you not having sex that night and then asking him on another date for the following weekend where you do something out in public rather then close to you or his bed/couch where you can't say no?

 

Take back your personal power gurlfriend. You're no puppet no need to think you are either. You don't TEACH anyone anything by being like them. (he cheats so you do to? WTH is that about?) You teach by example and by your own personal boundaries. If you don't have any of those then you'll tend to be the puppet.

 

You can't be "just friends" with someone you are attracted to. It leads you to be strung along like pinnochio before he became a real person. Either train him to realize you are not in it to be a sex object and see if he values you enough to hang with you without the poontang while pursuing a romantic relationship with you or you don't bother with him anymore period.

 

You don't need another male friend that you've been sexually intimate with and are attracted to still. Any romantic partner you do end up with, 9 times out of 10 can't get jiggy with that... rightfully so IMO.

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