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I am a mixed bag of exploding emotions...I think...


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I wasn't sure whether to post this under GBT or Healing, but since I'm not really looking to get back with my ex, I'd thought I'd just keep all my posts to this forum.

 

Essentially, yes, my ex and I had sex. And honestly, I didn't feel any emotional connection or weird feelings for him afterwards, which was completely shocking So whatever. It happened, but I'm not looking to make it happen again BECAUSE...

 

I'm really afraid that I WILL develop feelings for him. That's what he even said too. He mentioned we both had residual feelings for each other, but I made it clear (I think) that I don't expect anything from him because he made it VERY clear that he didn't want to get back together with me. Therefore, I'm not looking FOR something. In fact I don't even know what we're doing, and he made the comment that we were "Exclusively not dating". Ok...

 

He tells me he has feelings for me but doesn't want to be in relationship but also that he misses me blah blah typically post break up feelings (he was the one who ended it, though I am very aware it was necessary and we even talked about how it was the right thing to do). He also mentioned that it was so weird for him because it felt so wrong because he broke up with me for reasons that aren't applicable anymore, and that it feels so bizarre to feel like he's dating me again (hypothetically). The things that he didn't like aren't still in the picture any more and are slowly (VERY SLOWLY) changing, regardless if they are for the better or worse.

 

At this point, I told him that I don't want him back ,but if he were ever to want to try something, I'd be open. I think, though, that I shouldn't bring it up beyond that because at this moment, I don't even know what I want. I thought I knew, but he's convinced me that I will eventually start to fall for him again.

 

I told him we could stop. That we didn't have to be "Couple-y" and we didn't have to hang out because that was probably best, but he doesn't want it to stop and it confuses him. I straight up told him he couldn't have his cake and eat it too...because there was a chance I would fall for him again and I am not willing to take that risk.

 

I'm thinking that just going back to not talking to him is the way to go. Not because I'm trying to be overly dramatic with him (he told me yesterday he couldn't see why we couldn't hang out and talk) but because I was actually doing so fine not talking to him. And these past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions I wasn't expecting.

 

If anyone has had an experience with this, I'm all for advice. You are all always so very helpful and I appreciate all the experiences here!

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Yes, going back to not talking to him IS what's best for you. You say you don't want him back, but you're feeling a "whirlwind of emotions"? Ummm....that's a sign that you still want him back.

 

I've been in a similar situation and, like you, I tried to tell myself that I didn't want anything from my ex. The truth is, I DID want something from him -- just as you do from yours -- I just tried to convince myself that I didn't because he had made it clear that he wasn't going to be with me, and I didn't want to lose him completely, so I played along with the hanging out and being intimate sometimes but NOT being a couple. It took a toll on me, for sure. I got to a point where I lost respect for myself because I was pretty sure I was being used -- perhaps not intentionally, but he was using me nevertheless. Once he got a new girlfriend, I was history. He was done with me. I'd hate to see that happen to you.

 

I hope you will see what he's doing here managing down your expectations so that you'll do exactly what you're doing now -- telling yourself you're OK with this arrangement when you are clearly not. The fact that you told him you didn't want to get back together but that, if he wanted to in the future, you'd be "open" to it, speaks volumes. You want him back. That's OK -- it's human, and it's normal -- but he's told you he doesn't want a relationship with you, and hanging around with him and having this non-relationship is NOT good for you in ANY sense. You're compromising yourself profoundly here, and it WILL come to a point where it will all blow up -- probably when he starts pursuing someone else he's interested in -- and you'll be devastated.

 

You can find someone else, someone better for you, but not while you're hanging on to your ex. You have to look out for yourself. No contact is the way to go!

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I completely agree! It's sometimes really good to hear other people tell you what you either don't want to tell yourself or don't want to admit to yourself.

 

It's hard separating those feelings towards him in our "friendship" now. And i'm sure that right now, I'm feeling okay with it all, but that's just normal. And eventually I'm going to regret it. Which is not something I want to look forward to.....

 

If you don't mind me asking, what did you end up doing with your ex when this situation happened?

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Unfortunately, I didn't end up "doing" anything -- it was done for me. He started contacting less and less, distancing himself. It was because he was dating someone else (which I found out later). We had one last dinner together (when he was already dating her, unbeknownst to me), and we kissed (he kissed me -- make-out type kissing, not just a peck!). He abruptly sent me home before anything happened, thankfully, and a few months later he reported that he'd just broken up with someone he'd "been seeing for several months.") I should mention that we worked together -- still do -- so I couldn't do strict "No Contact" with him. So, yeah...he was still trying to make out with me when he had a girlfriend. After that, the distance became greater, and from time to time he'd mention a date he went on, or I'd overhear him talking loudly to a colleague about going on dates, etc. I finally e-mailed him and asked him to not talk about that stuff in front of me anymore, and he complied. He's had a girlfriend for over a year now (I saw a picture of them on Facebook and on his office desk when I walked by), and it seems things are rocky (I have found out through someone else -- he has never talked to me about her). I've remained friendly, but we're not "friends." We have brief conversations here and there, mostly about work stuff, and that's it. It's hard, but over time, it's gotten a lot easier.

 

My one HUGE regret in this situation is that I'm not the one who cut things off -- he did, by just sort of fading away when he started dating others. If I could do it all over again, I'd gather up every ounce of dignity and self-respect I had and say, "If we're not in a relationship, I'm not hanging out with you, being your confidant/shoulder to lean on, and I'm certainly not sleeping with you ever again." Sadly, I didn't get to do that, and I have always felt I disrespected myself. I deserved more, and I didn't act like it. The good news is, though, that I've learned so many valuable things from this situation, and I am confident it will never happen to me again.

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Verbally, you've told him he can't have his cake and eat it to. But your ACTIONS are telling him that he can.

 

You already know what to do. Tell him you think this relationship (in all it's stages) has run it's course and you two need to move on. Wish him the best of luck. If he asks if he can still call ect...just say "It's probably better if you didn't. Thanks."

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Your story and everything you're telling me is just like...things that I know that will inevitably happen to me.

 

Why is it so hard all of a sudden?

 

I mean I obviously like the comfort. And I like being in that position. But then I think about the fact that I'm allowing myself to be put on that type of ledge and it really sucks.

 

Like for some reason, right now late at night, I'm feeling all weird. I didn't really see him all that much today even though we were kind of thinking about it.

 

I really dislike breakups. Ugh.

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Its hard because humans crave to be loved and to love... You want something that it seems he can't provide for you. NC will be whats best for the exact reason you said yourself "why take the chance of falling for him again?" If there hasn't been true change then what's going to be good about friendship? Someone is going to have ulterior motives and end up hurt again

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It's best to keep your self respect and dignity and be true to yourself. You said he can't have his cake and eat it to but slept with him. This is a contradiction. Try to decide what YOU want and be sure your words and actions match that decision. If he calls for a booty call, tell him no your not interested in having sex outside of a committed relationship. As for talking to him same advice goes...if he doesn't want a relationship then nothing good can come from talking to him. You will never heal under the current circumstances.

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You mentioned that you don't want to be rude or dramatic. I think first you must decide what you want. Nothing causes more anxiety and self deprecation than to tell them to not contact you under the current circumstances and then breaking NC. He sent you a text and this is your opportunity to tell him your are not interested in staying in contact outside a committed relationship. Wish him the best and move on.

 

You need to realize that you teach people how they can treat you. You have taught him he can be in contact anytime he wants and that you are ok with being his booty call. The only way this changes is if you decide to change it.

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What to do? Be consistent with your words and actions. Don't say he can't have his cake and eat it too then sleep with him. Don't say you fear you'll fall for him and then keep hanging out/sleeping with him.

 

I would advise you to just let him know that you've realized that you need some space to move on and that you'll need to cut off contact for a long time.

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I haven't slept with him since the first time we were together, so I'm thankful for that. I just wasn't too sure what the best course of action to take was. I really appreciate all your advice and it seems that telling him I need the space is better than just cutting it off entirely.

 

Not talking to him even these few hours of this day really hasn't affected me. Like I said, I CAN do fine without him. It's when he comes back into mylife that things become a turbulent emotional wreck. Obviously i'm not 100% over him. But I think I have the strength to get there without falling apart

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I sent this:

 

XX, I know things have been in a weird in between state this past week and I just wanted to clear the air and move forward. I don't want to stay in this state of ambiguity with you anymore. I cared about you for a very long time, but that chapter of my life has come to an end. I need to focus on myself and I wish you all the best.

 

Hopefully that was ok....

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He responded with "What?"

 

......

 

Should I not give that a response? Or should I tell him I deserve someone who is ready to commit and he wasn't giving that to me

 

No. Do not give a response. It was absolutely clear what you meant. He is just trying to pull you into a conversation to see if he can get you to go back on what you've said and keep sleeping with him.

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