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I am beyond confused right now


lonelyguy12

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My ex and I were broken up for about 10 months. We broke up because she felt like our 10 month relationship was not evolving. She thought of me as nothing more than a friend. We never did anything physical besides making out and she wanted more. We stayed in contact a bit over the last couple months. Mostly with her asking me to hang out and then cancelling on me. Happened about 5 times!

 

Fast forward to two fridays ago... she texted me saying that she wanted to apologize for how she treated me. She said that I didnt deserve to be treated like I was at the end of our relationship and after our breakup. She offered me friendship. But, I texted back that I needed more than just being friends. And that I still had feelings for her that would not allow it. She said that she understood and asked if I wanted to meet up and see where things go.

 

We met up last Friday. Things went really well. She told me she didnt want to do anything physical just yet. But, I touched her leg all night and we kissed numerous times. After the date she asked if we were back toegther. I told her it was too soon to say that officially. But, I said that we could call each other bf/gf if she wanted to. Just not make it known to everybody. She agreed and everything was going good. She said she still loved me and missed me. So, I thought it was good cause she was making an effort. She also told me that she wanted a guy who would treat her right. Which I did. And that her sister had told her to let the emotional side come first and the physical side will follow.

 

Monday came and she started acting distant. She was barely talking to me and she said she missed a guy friend that she made this summer. I didn't think too much of it. So, I tried consoling her so she would feel better. Then she started attacking me. Saying that she didn't things would change. And she was scared that our relationship would be the same. I asked her how we could make it better and she offered nothing. Which got me mad. And she said I was contradicting myself.

 

We were fine by Tuesday and we actually hung out that night. I asked her about everything and she said it was nothing. And that she just missed her friends. Again I tried to make her feel better because I knew that she was sad. She has a tendency of pushing her friends away from her. Mostly because she acts childish all the time. She gets really clingy. The rest of the night went good.

 

I asked her to hang out on Thursday and she said no because she had to work late and would be tired. I said that was fine. But, then Thursday night things kinda went crazy.She started acting distant again. Barely talking to me. I added her on twitter kind of hoping that I could figure something out based off her tweets and she accepted. But then got defensive. Telling me not to read her stuff because I wouldn't like what I saw. I read everything. She tweeted a couple times about that guy. About a week ago saying she hated him. Then Monday saying she couldn't stop thinking about him.

 

Yesterday I asked her if she was in fact 100% committed to us and she said she was still scared things wouldn't work. I asked her how we could make it work and she said it would take time. Well that wasn't good enough for me and I called her to try and talk to her. She ignored my call and texted me that she had nothing more to say to me. Then she said the complete opposite of what she said before and told me that she wanted a physical and emotional side to a relationship and we just had the emotional. Also, that she didn't feel a spark for me.

 

That ticked me off. Two times we saw each other and she didn't feel a spark. I thought that was ridiculous. Also, she told me not to try anything physical so I did what I could not to. I wanted to make her happy. I told her that and said that I guess we were done. I also told her that I felt like she was disrespectful to me. And that I really didn't feel like I meant a lot to her. I told her that I didn't feel like she was giving it a chance at all. She then said I was disrespectful to her for getting mad when she was just speaking her mind. I told her that I did respect her speaking her mind...just not in a text. I wanted her to say it to my face.

 

That was the last we spoke. I feel bad about saying everything to her yesterday. But, obviously I knew we couldn't continue like that. 2 fights in a week and she barely wanted to talk to me about fixing what we had. I want to apologize to her. But, I realize no contact is probably the best way to go. She means so much to me. But it is irritating that she would attempt to get back with me when she couldn't even give 100%. I wanted it to work so badly and told her numerous times to tell me how we could make it better. She never offered up anything. Should I text her and what should I say to try and make things a little better? I value her as a person in my life. And I dont want her to be mad at me. Which is probably stupid because she has hurt me so many times

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The attraction is gone.

 

No, you shouldn't text her or contact her at all. Give her time and space without you. Give her the gift of missing you. If she changes her mind, she'll let you know. But for now, you should NOT be contacting her.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

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Why in 10 months didn't the relationship progress physically? I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that either. She obviously has some dating issues where she hates someone one minute and loves them the next. Her twitter posts make that obvious as she was saying similar things about another guy.

 

I would forget her and move on. She plays too many games and seems a bit selfish. Next time don't let 10 months pass with no escalation of the physical aspect because really that's just a friendship, not a romantic relationship.

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She was away at school for a majority of that time. So it was tough. Also, it was my first real relationship. I was scared to make a move. She didnt touch me a lot and it was tough for me to figure out if she wanted it. We are both really shy people. Both of us are virgins. I realize I should have did more and I told her that when we met last week. I am so attracted to her its ridiculous. And I just wish I could show her that. If she didn't tell me not to do anything physical yet I definitely would have did something when we saw each other.

 

Is it wrong to think that the physical side comes after the emotional attachment? She was my best friend when we were together. And I would do anything for her. I feel like that is something that is tough to find in a relationship.We were 100% compatible from that perspective. I feel like she acts childish because she is 24 and is still looking for something that is physical and not a guy who puts her first. I've always thought that a pure physical relationship wont last. And you need more of the emotional side in the end.

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The physical side comes WITH the emotional attachment... and there's a window of opportunity there. It sounds like the window has closed, the lack of physical closeness shut down her feelings for you.

 

A purely physical relationship might not last -- but neither will a purely emotional one, especially at your age.

 

STILL not an excuse to be "just friends" with someone you have feelings for. The more contact you have with her right now, the more she'll take you for granted and the less attraction she'll feel for you.

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It's quite normal to need an emotional connection before the physical one. I am the same way but 10 months is a long time. It also makes sense that since you are both inexperienced you would be nervous. The thing is physical connection can actually intensify the emotional connection as well. You don't have to have sex necessarily but just try making out and other things that aren't sex at first. I didn't have sex with my first real boyfriend for close to a year but we still progressed physically although quite slowly. Just test the waters by trying some things but don't be disrespectful. If she says stop back off (obviously).

 

But it seems to me the bigger issue is her back and forth of emotions. She likes you one day then wants you to go away the next. I don't know why she expects anyone to put up with that. She seeems very unsure of her feelings. There are other women out there who you will be more compatible with and they won't be so up and down about their feelings for you.

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Yea I agree with that. I put up with a lot honestly and that is something my friends and family have told me. But, I did it because I love her. The constant flip flopping did get to me though. And the way she dealt with problems annoyed me. She would just shut me out and ignore what I had to say. This caused a lot of fights that should have been avoided.

 

I dont want to be friends with her. But, I dont want to lose her in my life. It is kind of a weird situation. She means more to me than anybody in my entire life has. And I know I will find another girl eventually. But, its like i'm losing so much more than my gf. I really feel like I missed my chance with her. And its gonna hurt for a while

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That guy she's tweeting about? That's who she wants something physical with. Not you. You are her back up plan--someone to fall back on when things don't go as she planned with him.

 

Your best bet is to just leave her alone. Anyone who has to run their relationship by a committee for advice on what they should already know--their own mind-- is someone who is not mature enough to be in a relationship.

 

She doesn't know what she wants and as long as that's her mindset, you're going to be manipulated by the hope that you can "make" her want something with you. She's not there and she's not going to be there. Find someone who wants what you want right now. This chick ain't the one.

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That guy she's tweeting about? That's who she wants something physical with. Not you. You are her back up plan--someone to fall back on when things don't go as she planned with him.

 

Your best bet is to just leave her alone. Anyone who has to run their relationship by a committee for advice on what they should already know--their own mind-- is someone who is not mature enough to be in a relationship.

 

She doesn't know what she wants and as long as that's her mindset, you're going to be manipulated by the hope that you can "make" her want something with you. She's not there and she's not going to be there. Find someone who wants what you want right now. This chick ain't the one.

 

Yea I am starting to see that now Worst feeling in the world. I was hoping she had changed since we broke up. But, it really was the same. She doesnt know what she wants and that is evident. It really broke me to know that I was just a second choice in this. I even told her that I didnt want to be just another guy in her life. But, I guess she just doesnt care

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