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what does this say about me?


savignon

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So I've been missing the guy I last dated (which ended awfully and re-opened a long-time wound about me not being 'good enough'...my issue, not his). I don't know if I just miss the good parts, feeling like someone thought of me everyday, feeling all the good things I felt about myself when I was with him....I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I'm just feeling lonely or yearning for some closeness to someone? It makes me sad that I'm feeling like this because if I were to get in touch with him, it would speak really poorly of my self-respect and I hate that my self-value isn't high enough to not think about him ever. I wonder all of the things people wonder....is he totally different with whoever he's with now? Would he respond if I contacted him? Would I feel horrible about myself if I contacted him and got myself back into a bad situation? Could I be more casual about things and just have fun with him? Does he miss me? Why hasn't he contacted ME? Does he think about it? Would he want to see me? All of those are rhetorical questions and I have no plans to contact him but have just been all of a sudden, months later, so sad about missing him and what that means about me (I don't even like myself?)

A little related and also a little unrelated....this guy from online has been texting me for 2-3 weeks and happens to look a lot like my ex (in pictures anyway)...he hasn't called or suggested calling so I've stopped responding to his texts. Part of me wishes I could just have fun with guys (hang out, have sex, move on)....I went out with a friend last night for my bday and her heart is soooo closed after her divorce that she's just messing around with a few guys and genuinely doesn't care (for now)....I was wishing I could be more like that. So, I basically feel like if I keep in contact with this guy (which would be pointless), I will be sending out a vibe to the universe that I don't really need/want/deserve more and the same old disconnected guys are enough for me. At the same time, I have a little fear of being alone for a long time...what if I don't meet anyone else? Shouldn't I just have fun for now? What if there isn't anyone out there for me? What if in my sadness and loneliness I become a miserable bitter bi** of a person and I'm forever morphed into a bad person?

I guess I don't really need "advise" persay...I know what I need to do/keep doing/not do.....

I'm just sad.

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I will respond more later but I think it's a very positive sign and value of yours that you are serious minded when it comes to relationships and not into casual sex. Casual sex works great for many people of course but I think given your situation -you're a mom to a young child - being serious minded is only a plus.

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Thanks, Batya. I feel like you really get me!

I agree that there's nothing wrong with me on that front. But I think "missing" someone who didn't treat me well in the end makes me feel bad about myself. Like I'm a masochist or have no self esteem (which I don't think is true). I'm generally bumming and thinking of that guy a lot this week. Then my horoscope today said its a good time to mend fences and 'reach out to someone you've been thinking about'. Not that I act on what my horoscope says (imagine! Lol)...but it just made him even more on my mind.

Anyways....I'm probably just lonely and miss that closeness ...or what I perceived as closeness.

Ughhh.

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Sorry you are feeling sad. I know my divorced.sister has been very relieved to be done with her husband and is spending a few years focusing on her kids and building strong friendships and work and passion in voluneering. I am not sure how you can shift your mindset a little but it might help you to decrease your focus on love ... just a thought.

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I went out with a friend last night for my bday and her heart is soooo closed after her divorce that she's just messing around with a few guys and genuinely doesn't care (for now).

 

Don't assume she doesn't care....she actually does. She needs male attention to feel good about herself even if she doesn't really care about the men she is with. We all want to feel wanted, but some people are better able to find other ways to feel wanted and appreciated than having men on a string.

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Sorry you are feeling sad. I know my divorced.sister has been very relieved to be done with her husband and is spending a few years focusing on her kids and building strong friendships and work and passion in voluneering. I am not sure how you can shift your mindset a little but it might help you to decrease your focus on love ... just a thought.

 

I agree that it would help a lot if I could take my focus off that. As a single mom, I don't have much time to pursue many interests...I don't even watch my own TV shows anymore. It sometimes feels like I don't exist in a way and I found that "hey, I'm an interesting/fun/attractive person!" feeling through my last dating situation. I shouldn't rely on dating to feel that way and I am focusing on my daughter/job/etc.. Just gets lonely. This week was my birthday and I had it in my head that I was going to feel super lonely and people would forget, etc and that's exactly what happened which I actually found pretty interesting since it was like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Anyways, just having a little pity party today and then will power whatever's left of it tomorrow.

Thanks for your kind words!

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You know you can feel like a fun, attractive, interesting person through friends and hobbies too. Relying on someone else to make you feel that way is a slippery slope to neediness and insecurity and low self worth. You can create the life you want to be the person you want to be. Relying on someone else to do it for you doesn't work.

Hope that helps!

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Savignon,

 

I would take a break from dating for now. Focus on your children and maybe pick up a hobby (if you don't have one right now). If you can muster it, try to have a break for about a half a year. Let the dust clear. I don't know how long you dated this guy, but giving yourself a break with some time, might round the edges of the pain a bit. If you can afford it, you might want to join group therapy with women in a similar situation as yourself (regarding relationships) it is great when you can go somewhere and share similar issues with others that are working on the same stuff.

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Great suggestions everyone! My self esteem isn't as low it sounds. I just feel like I could cry for days. And I'm never alone for even a minute of my day as I have a toddler at home and work with kids during the day. Everyone needs something allllllll the time and it was nice to be able to lean on someone when it felt like that's what was happening. I'm not really sure what hobbies I could adopt from home besides knitting and giving advice on ENA but I certainly appreciate you planting the seed..you never know!

100% right that I can't rely on that good feeling coming from outside/someone else. That's exactly what I'd tell someone in my shoes. I've done sooo much therapy in the past and I just can't believe I'm not further ahead of the game than I am. I know this feeling will pass..just feeling way in the dumps. Yuck.

Thanks everyone

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Boy can I related to 100% of what you said and how you feel about your ex, yourself I ask myself all those things but him and I have sporatic contact still because were friends 1st and he wanted to maintain the friendship after whatever BU's we have but this last one is probably it for us and I can't accept. I think you don't have closure and that is why you wonder. I don't always agree with the NC rule it just doesn't apply or work for everyone and makes a depression worse imo. You have to do what you feel works for you, not what others think you should do, or what some rule book tells you. Everyone is different. I think you miss the unconditional love of someone that warm feeling of knowing someone is happy talking to you seeing you thinking about you in the world in a loving way, not only as a friend or family and to me that is normal. Not everyone can rebound so quick, you can't I can't lots of others women and men can't and makes it worse for you to wish you were like whomever, because I bet you they are no more happy than you are.

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>But I think "missing" someone who didn't treat me well in the end makes me feel bad about myself.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself... we all fall in love and get attached to people, and we're not robots who make strictly rational decisions in the people that we choose as partners. Or we choose them when all looks great, then only over time does reality chip away at first impressions, and by that time we may be totally attached/in love and it is hard to sever those emotionally connections entirely when we had such high hopes and a wonderful first impression about the person that later proved false when they treated us badly.

 

I have one ex whom I loved dearly and passionately for many, many years, but he turned out to be the classical definition of a cad in the end when he ended up marrying a rich woman for her money WHILE he was with me and lying to me about it and carrying on a double life with the both of us. Believe me, I spent FOREVER ruminating about that and wondering how that happened, and how I could have ended up there with him, and why I loved someone so much who turned out to be so BAD in the end.

 

But the simple answer was I fell in love, and had a deep and passionate connection to him, and the problem was HIS bad to behave that way because no matter how much I loved him and how well we got along in most ways, it couldn't overcome his character defects and selfishness. I loved him and gave him the benefit of the doubt because I did love him and he'd been in my life for so long, but in the end he proved to be a selfish cad and I dropped him when I discovered the truth of his double life. It was like ripping out my own heart because he was so woven into the fabric of my life, but I did it because I knew that it would do me no good at all to stay with someone who had betrayed me in such a fashion.

 

So you can't second guess yourself.. it is a waste of time. You had the best of intentions, you loved him, and still have some residual feelings that will over time fade away. So what you have to focus on is remembering the reasons why it didn't work out, and avoiding the self recrimination because that does nothing at all. And also avoiding the fantasy that just because you're lonely if you call him all those problems will evaporate and it will be fine in another go round... it just won't because he is who he is and it proved to not work out. Your love for him may have been beautiful and genuine, but the relationship itself just didn't work out. So accept that it is fine and OK to have really loved someone, but that doesn't mean you should put blinders on and just fantasize perfection and ignore the fact that it really won't work.

 

So give yourself time, and try not to confuse your loneliness right now with some sort of magical property if you think of him to make it all work out if you call him again. It won't.

 

And also keep in mind that this is the time of year that many people get blue and feel sad from seasonal depression. Not enough sunshine, not enough light etc. You'll get a real zing when spring starts to come in in another 6 weeks, so try to just be kind to yourself and don't allow yourself to dwell in self recrimination or fantasies. Of course you could try calling him, but do you really think that will change anything in the end? Only you know that.

 

So your task right now is to really recognize you're just a bit blue and lonely, and it is natural for your thoughts to turn to an ex, but these moods will pass and going down a road trying to resurrect an ex just because you're blue is never a good choice. Hang in there, do things you enjoy, and Spring will come very soon, and eventually you won't have such sharp nostalgia for the ex when time does its healing.

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Remember that to be alive is to continue to evolve. Just because you had therapy before and improved does not mean that you stop improving. That is why I suggested group therapy. Or at the minimum a support group. You are merely tweaking an aspect of your relationship skills not doing an overhaul. Therapy by no means is a panacea and will never totally 'heal' you. I see therapy as a tool to learn how to manage our issues so that we can live a more gratifying life.

 

Whenever I hit a hard bump in the road or go through a major life altering event, I know that it is time to tweak something within me and time to evolve or grow in a different direction. It is usually not fun to make change, but it is extremely rewarding once you reach the other side.

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I think we'd all even miss the devil himself if he'd become a part of our life and we had become addicted to him being there. That oxytocin and other chemicals we release when bonding with a potential mate is pretty hard to overcome but like anything, with time, zero indulgence and the right frame of mind (which you appear to have) then we slowly withdraw and get to the stage of indifference to the person/thing we were addicted to. It's all about will power and conviction and you're convicted enough in your decision to see that re-connecting isn't in your best interests. That doing so would be detrimental in your "recovery."

 

So: Chalk this up to a bad day (you'll have them as you travel towards the blissful stage of indifference) but do continue on one day at a time without him. This too you will overcome.

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I know that feeling... the part where you start feeling sad for yourself because if only ...

 

What Ive learned is I can't control my feelings but I can change my thinking. You have to ask yourself what makes you happy other than being loved and fed with attention by another man you find yourself attracted to? Then when you start feeling all woebegone, you put your head in to those things that makes you happy. If those things are not enough for you then yes, definitely need to find more hobbies.

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When I feel like you do, which I think we all do from time to time, I turn to pinterest and read my quotes. I don't know why exactly but I find solace in words so here's some of my favourite:

 

"It's okay to be happy, and it's okay to be sad. Just remember that neither lasts forever."

 

"Will this matter a year from now?"

 

"People are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

 

 

It's okay to have a down day, or a down week, Sav, but it won't last forever I'm sure.

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Wow- you all have been so kind--thank you. I'm definitely feeling better after reading your thoughts. I like what you say, Lavender, about the seasons b/c I know once spring comes it'll be so much easier to get out and move my body, the daylight is longer, the air feels great....I know I'll feel better then and you're right--that's around the corner!

I love the quotes and also what you gals shared about your own experiences or just being able to relate...feeling much less alone! I truly appreciate it.

I asked myself today what I really want.....its not to call him, its not to see him, and its definitely not to rekindle anything ...believe it not I didn't really think that highly of his character and integrity (making it all the more confusing that I'd miss him). That sad part of me just wants to text him "I miss you sometimes" and have him say "me too". That would just make my heart smile and be enough to put things to rest. But I won't do it b/c there's way too much risk he wouldn't respond and then, in the state I'm in, I'd think that means I have no value or something ridiculous and then I'd start 10 new threads and one of you would have to come out to my house and slap me upside my head. ;-)

Thanks, ladies....toasting you with my glass of wine this evening!

xo

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That sad part of me just wants to text him "I miss you sometimes" and have him say "me too". That would just make my heart smile and be enough to put things to rest.

 

If it helps, when I used to feel like that I would tell myself that he does miss me. I mean, duh, you're awesome Sav! Of course he misses you sometimes! I know people say it shouldn't matter what he thinks, and eventually it won't. But if it stops you texting him then I think it's a good way of looking at things.

 

P.s hope that glass of wine didn't change your mind about texting!

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Good Morning, Everyone! Thankfully the wave of sadness has receded after a good, long wash over me. I know that its because this is the first birthday in years I've spent without anyone special to celebrate or do anything with ..so, not really about "him". I know he wasn't a good match or even friend for me and I even knew that at the time--so, that hasn't changed. And, yes, I agree, he probably does miss me. In the end he sent me a letter in the mail and a nice email acknowledging that he's pretty messed up when it comes to relationships and that I deserve someone who can bring more to the table so to speak. So those are the things I can think about when I wish I could hear it (again) from him. Really this morning its more clear than ever that it really didn't have to do with him and is totally about just feeling lonely in general....and older!!! Haha.

This was a convo between me and one of my students this week (for a little chuckle):

Her: You look great. I thought you were in your 30s

Me: I AM in my 30s

Her: Oh, I mean...like...you're...

Me: Mmmhmm ;-)

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I'm going to add this, which might seem a little cheesy but comes from my core, more spiritual self....I think that contacting or keeping in touch with (even something simple like Facebook, a text here and there) someone who has treated you poorly, sends a really negative message to both of you that prevents you both from growing:

1) it says to yourself "I can't do any better", this is okay, I'm not very valuable, I won't find anyone else so I may as well take what I can get" and the like

2) it says to them "you don't have to treat people well to be in their lives, you don't have to change, you don't have to grow" and the like

I honestly believe it would do this particular guy a disservice to contact him. He's on the narcissistic spectrum, has a slew of women available to him for sex/"hanging out" at a moment's notice and is a misogynist who seems deep down to not even like women.....so giving him any attention after the way things ended sends a clear message to him that he doesn't need to change a thing about himself as well as sends a message to myself that I can't do any better. After we parted ways I blocked him on my phone, the dating site where we met, Facebook, my email.....I didn't want to him to have any access to me nor vice versa.

Seeeee??? I'm smarter than I sound sometimes ;-)

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I agree that it's not good for you to contact him -and productive if you don't. I don't agree that it should be for the other person. You have no idea how that person interprets your messages, whether he's interested in or open to learning to change -especially if his approach works for him (i.e. works as in he gets women to fall for him, maybe that's all he wants). I also wouldn't go there because then it gives your mind an excuse to dwell on him "see I am helping him grow.... I wonder if it will work....".

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