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I moved country for him, we were looking at rings, now its over!


kiama

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Hello to all - after so very long, I am back and in need of desperate help pleeeease.

 

Such a complicated scenario - involving A-my ex .... B-my cousin ...... C-Her husband who is my ex's best mate. (this is close to home)

 

I will try make this short, but I know it wont be sorry!

 

I met my ex at my cousins wedding in September 2012. I was a bridesmaid and he a groomsmen. Instant attraction, he was involved in a bad rel at the time and so was I. Mine was pretty much over. There was incredible sparks. I had flown down from the UK, where I had been living for 5 years to South Africa for her wedding, so anyway, I didn't have any real intention with this man, I was on holiday. My cousin knew I was crazy about him and when his relationship ended, she let me know. (he had been with this girl about 3 years on and off, definitely a dead relationship). I sent him a few messages and we started communicating big time. I was then coming back to S.A. in May, for my fathers 60th. I invited him to join us - he wouldn't feel awkward because it was my family - my cousin, who he knows well, and her husband, his best friend - it was all perfect.

 

We hit it off majorly and just couldn't be separated. Leaving to go back to the UK was so difficult. We opened up and literally fell in love hard! Then I had ANOTHER wedding to attend in July, as I was a bridesmaid again. Of course he was my partner, and although I was a bridesmaid, again, wasn't awkward at all, he gets along with my brother and father, so the three of them went together while did the

bridesmaid walk. We stayed in the hotel for the weekend. The following week he planned something for me - a surprise. Took me to an elephant sanctuary for a night. There was dinner (us the only couple) served with a bonfire out in the open African skies. Beautiful. next day we fed and walked with the elephants. Part of the surprise was a cable car up a mountain, and we just sat and it was magical.

 

By this stage we are so in love and even talking about marriage! But it was so real I swear. So this was July. Now it was getting hard and we couldn't handle the distance - I decided to leave the UK and come home for us to be together - the plan was for November. That was so long away, so he flew to the UK for 1 week end of September to break the gap.

 

I went through the most intensely stressful time of my life! My whole 5 years of belongings (t.v. sofa bla bla bla) all had to be sold. I also didn't want to lose some sentimental stuff so I had to organise a container to bring my stuff home. This was super expensive and very stressful, I had to work and deal with this distance. it was mad.

 

Finally November comes and I was a little hesitant, all this visiting him etc had seriously knocked on my bank account. I had an 800 pound overdraft I couldn't pay so didn't want to leave with that. I explained this to him and he assured me not to worry about that. We will sort it out when I am home, just come home. So I did.

 

We were looking at engagement rings, and everyone thought this was it! I even suggested I would like an engagement ring that had 3 important birthstones within it. Then I said, the sentiment is there but that's silly, probably best to just have a single coloured ring! He called me the next day so excitedly telling me he had come up with a design that would incorporate those birthstones on the inside of the ring, so they wouldn't be seen, but they'd be there. I was blown away.

 

Now to add more complication to your understanding, my family is from X part of South Africa, where I was born. He was born here too, his family is here too, BUT he had a work contract he was in the middle of in another part of S.A. (only an hours flight - 5 hour drive)

 

So I arrive in his work zone to be with him for a week or so. He suggested then to stay in the hometown zone, so I could spend time with family before I moved to the work zone, after xmas. He drove down a few times in this time. Started off great. However with all the festivities going on there was a lot of drinking involved and we ended up fighting drunkedly on 3 occasions. Big fights, in front of friends (all pretty mutual considering the circumstances of how I met him!

 

I believe most of these were caused by myself. I was stupidly drinking RED WINE, as a drink drink, which was daft because I'm a small person. I'd like to mention I had even managed to bag myself a job in his work town! Which I was due to start 20th Jan. This job was an hours drive away and I was super nervous about this drive. S.A. is not a safe place. I was a lady on my own, in a huge city I'd never been to, doing this drive! One wrong off ramp and I could end up in a dangerous township.

 

I was genuinely stressed. After my huge move from the UK, major hassles with the container I sent home, financial circumstances, and the whole concept of moving to a place that was unfamiliar and doing this drive seriously started to stress me out. And that came out when I got absolutely smashed on red wine on 3 occasions. I took it out on him, I cant even remember what I was fighting about to be honest but I knew we had fought.

 

The last of the 3 was the worst. I even slapped him. That was 2 days before xmas. so the next day, we had dinner with his folks. Never spoke about the fight. The next night we spent xmas eve with his folks. Xmas day was spent with my family, boxing day was spent with my mother - nobody mentioned the fight. I was too ashamed to bring it up, so I didn't, cos he didn't. Thought everything must be alright. Then he went back to his work town, and I had to go camping with the family for a week. No mobile phone signal! After camping I was to spend one more week in my home town before moving up to where he was and starting the new job.

 

So on Wednesday, he calls me and says he has exiting news, his boss said he could come back to the hometown sooner than thought, circumstances changed. Great I said. He said in either may, june, july time. That was still far away so I said cool, but I should still start this job. He was sounding very against the idea. Said work was harder to find in our hometown (which is true) and I should start looking now... suggesting I do not go and stay there. I refused, as I couldn't let these people down, tell them a couple days I wasn't coming to work - that's just wrong! So I drove up on the Friday. On the Sunday, I did a test drive to my new workplace. It did start sounding like a bad idea (because it was so far, and only a half day job, the salary minus petrol costs just wasn't worth it). But still, It is Sunday! I start on Monday! I cant just not go!

 

So now we're umming and arguing about starting this job. I sensed he was just pushing me away after he'd suggested I stay in the hometown and find work here. Monday morning comes and Im freaked out about this drive. Ended up phoning the new boss and telling him the story. He was disappointed big time but I agreed to go in the next day for a proper chat. Partner after some more arguing Tuesday morning, agrees to drive me there. He did. And basically that was my first and last day.

 

Now I am freaking out. What is going on. Then comes the bombshell. We need to talk about the relationship. He told me he was confused blah blah. He then also told me that his EX EX (from ages ago) had actually called him when I was camping as she was after a number (she had other motives im not stupid neither is he, even if she did use that as the excuse, maybe it was genuine) Anyway, he said after ALL THE FIGHTING (3 times that I would consider even worth mentioning) it just got him thinking. and then when she phoned his head was a mess. He said he felt guilty cos he was thinking about that relationship and it felt like he was cheating in a way.

 

I explained to him that I understood, and that everyone goes through emotion and even I may have some stirred emotion if an ex called me. There will always be some wondering and what ifs. That's life. I explained to him my stress levels at that particular time, and that I was going to cut out red wine altogether as it simply doesn't agree with me. And that is true. He said he'd made his mind up, that he wants to break up. He doesn't think it will work.

 

This was for me too confusing to actually take in. I hadn't even been home and with him for longer than a consecutive week. It was all suppose to just be starting, after all the xmas duties were out the way. He said he wished we had spoken after the night of the last fight because it would all have been different.

 

So we stuffed up and didn't communicate properly - I acknowledge that, so does he. I was out of line, I shouldn't have been drinking red wine, this is something we could move past, surely! Surely this is our first real hurdle and after ALL we have been through, something we could deal with?????

 

After I packed my entire life in boxes and left a good job, another country because of us ... I just cannot grasp this. And I do not know what on earth to do. I had phoned him to ask questions, he just said that this is what he wants right now, he doesn't know what's going on in his head. But he's not happy.

 

So my heads spinning and now I am considering returning to the UK. But I cannot do that and then regret not being here because we were 100 percent getting married before the 'fights over the few weeks'. So I called him again and I said that I will probably be going back to the UK around July time (after winter) and that an we meet up whenever he comes down on weekends here and there so we can see what happens, because I don't want to go back with any regrets that this might have worked. He said 'we can do that'. He asked if I was okay. I said 'no'. I asked if he was okay, and he said 'not really'. And that was the end of our last conversation.

 

Now that was yesterday morning. I haven't heard from him and I just have no idea what to do or think.

 

Do you think there's a chance he will come back after everything we have gone through???

 

Sorry so long!

 

I am DYING.

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Wow, well, I don't think the prospects are very good.

 

First, you moved a very long way to be with someone you ultimately did not know very well - two vacas in SA and a week in England, three weeks together total? I completely understand those crazy in love feelings, but I think it's very hard to get to know someone well long-distance, without being together. Especially when the time you spend together is on these romantic vacas, no exactly every day real world stuff.

 

Secondly, if he were here asking for advice, I would tell him to stay far away from a woman who in the span of two months got drunk enough three times to pick fights in front of family and friends, and to slap him. That's scary, abusive behavior. There's no excuse, regardless of the stress of moving (not to mention, why didn't you lay off the red wine after the first screaming match?!).

 

As to what you should do, I'm not sure. I would give him lots and lots of space, and do some serious introspection as to why you behaved the way you did with him. Maybe he'll "come around".

 

Oh, also - "after all you have been through" ... The problem is, you have completely uprooted your life for him, but he hasn't. He hasn't moved halfway around the world for you, or over drafted his accounts visiting you. So he may not feel he has as much invested or at stake as you do. There's a HUGE imbalance there, which must contribute to your wanting to save the relationship at all cost, while he obviously does not feel that way. I'd say he's come out of the infatuation phase, quickly, and is now realizing this is not a good match for him.

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What a nightmare, I am so sorry you are going through this. It seems that, minus the fights, once his dreams became reality he started to freak out.

However, the fights may have began to chip away at his feelings for you, especially if it was in front of friends, it is mortifying. As well as the slap, I don't blame you for cutting out red wine. However, drinking is one thing but in order for you to start those fights seemingly out of the blue, t orhere must have been some underlying issues that you hadn't addressed soberly. Perhaps packing up your life and getting out of UK could have affected you more than you think, perhaps deep down you were expecting more from him once you got there.

Either way, it really does shine a new light on someone once they have began not one, not two, but three public drunken fights. Especially if it isn't spoken about afterwards - whatever you said or did to him during these fights would have stuck with him.

Sometimes the first red flag is enough to make the person want to leave and slapping him in front of people would definitely be seen as a red flag.

I would give him his space, definitely. No contact unless he contacts you first. He obviously has a lot to think about in terms of whether he wants to risk these things happening again, and you need to prepare yourself in terms of cutting out the drink if that is what is making you so hostile, as well as figuring out the underlying issues that caused you to just lose it with him when drunk.

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Sounds like he jumped the gun asking you to move there. Sounds like you jumped the gun moving there. Obviously you two didn't really know each other when you decided to move.

 

Forget about him - he's obviously not 100% committed to the relationship since he's so easily swayed. I mean, one phone call with the ex and he suddenly wants to break up?? That sounds ridiculous especially if you were looking at engagement rings. To me it sounds more likely that he cheated on you and wants to get back together with her.

 

Count your blessings that you didn't marry this man. I would take this as a huge lesson learned and start planning your next moves.

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I think you need to reread your own post and try to imagine this being another person's story. This whole thing was premature, poorly planned and had major obstacles from the start. All that you describe was just the starry-eyed fairy tale collapsing under the crushing weight of reality. There was not the foundation in place to handle such large changes and commitments. You got caught up in the rush and were ring shopping but it was mostly fantasy.

 

Take a step back and return to the UK then pull your life together. This is definitely a live and learn situation. Good luck.

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You may discount it, but that slap? That's what nailed the coffin shut for him.

 

No matter how awesome and magical your dates were, the fact is you didn't really know him.

 

I co-sign what Sophie said. If he'd gotten drunk and slapped you, I'd tell you that you should run far and fast away from him, too.

 

If he doesn't want to deal with you, then you're going to have to pick up the pieces of your life and get on with things.

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I totally get that. It does sound that way (fairy tale romance). The thing is, and I know its hard to believe but we knew each other exceptionally well. He knew me more than my long term buddies. We spoke on the phone everyday, for no less than an hour. Every single day, and about everything.

 

We had even decided on children's names! I can honestly say that we match each other so well. We have the same values, very family orientated, love animals, same goals, same dreams, same pet hates, there are ZERO normally present issues in a relationship, such as jealousy, snooping, zero trust issues. Just none of any of that, which is an amazing thing.

 

I know that those fights shouldn't have happened and they were plain stupid, but lets admit that it's happened to the best of us. A few drunk fights isn't that uncommon, but I am not suggesting it right at all! I made a mistake with the wine! I had to go out last night for a family function (was very difficult) and then went out with cousin etc as I just had to keep myself occupied, I made an absolute point of not touching the red wine. And everything was just so different. My brothers friend even said, 'what's different'' and I said ''i've decided to lay off the red wine it doesn't agree with me'' and he said he noticed a change!

 

It still baffles me though because in the UK and times spent before with my ex, I'd sip on red wine and there wasn't a problem, ever at all. It just seemed to start effecting me in December! I truly believe that the issue

was simply because of the festivities going on, everyone was in party mode. So I just drank too much too fast, keeping up with rounds, drinking wine! Stupid, its not the kind of thing I should've been drinking when 'partying'. Regardless, I am still cutting it out altogether, I am now put off.

 

So I just don't know. I know it was horrible of me. But surely this is something I can be forgiven for, and at least given a chance to prove. I'm sure he is probably thinking after that, 'oh no we're gonna fight all the time'. But if I cut something that disagrees with me out of my life, and it does make a difference (as told last night), Surely that's worth thinking about. Do I write him a letter or something?\\

 

I just cannot lose this man I love him way too much

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I just happened to see a thread of yours from many years ago, when you were in an abusive relationship (you slapped him and then he hit and kicked you - awful). Obviously that ex was abusive, but maybe you have some anger issues yourself? I think you need to work on this so that you can have healthy relationships, especially since I really do think those fights are a big reason why this guy wanted to break up with you.

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I'm not discounting the chemistry you obviously felt with this guy - same thing has recently happened to me in somewhat similar circumstances, actually! I still think that a crazy rush of getting to know someone cannot be a real substitute for getting to know someone over time and in every day life. I don't think talking to someone can really replace sharing experiences with them and really seeing how they behave. I'm not even saying it was a mistake to try and close the distance, but it sounds like you really uprooted your life to do so (maybe you could have tried to go there temporarily before selling everything) and took a huge risk, and unfortunately it's not looking promising.

 

I still think the best you can do is work on yourself, give him space, and if he wants to see you, see him. I don't think you can so anything more than improve your own behavior, and "hope for the best"... though I'm not sure getting back together ultimately is the best. I do think you're underestimating how not ok it is to have drunk public fights. I don't think we've all been there. So own that part.

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I'm not in denial here, that was a completely different relationship altogether. But yes, perhaps buried skeletons there.

 

The horrible truth is I am actually so easy to talk to, and I hate fighting and arguing. I avoid it at all costs, im the biggest one for talking through problems and calming things (in any scenario) down. He knows I am like this.

 

I also believe he meant everything he said to me, people don't just fly continents for one week (with a super bad exchange rate) if they're at all doubtful. And he did that. He told his family he was going to marry me. He told his friends we would be getting married. He told my cousin. He said this was it. Undeniably no doubt.

 

Could something like that fight really completely mean that I have no chance with this guy. I just want to go out with him and show him that look, I did screw up - I know that, and I have completely abandoned the substance that I obviously shouldn't touch, as its the only thing that has ever brought out any anger issues on my side.

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I think as soon as abuse comes into it, not everyone is going to be willing to forgive and forget after the first few times. Sometimes the first fight, depending on the subject matter can already start to chip away at someones feelings for you so much that by the third fight - and the slap, it can all be enough to walk away. I honestly think talking about it the first time may have actually solved some of the issues you have deep down.

 

I think also that because you have sacrificed so much for him, you feel he has an obligation to forgive you. Abuse is abuse, he shouldn't owe you forgiveness after all you've been through - and by "you" I mean you - singular, as sophie said earlier, you are the only one that has truly sacrificed anything. Again, read through your posts. Even now it seems like you are more willing to blame the red wine on your behaviour instead of take responsibility. It might be good to try and remember what you were actually arguing about. Sometimes once things are said, they can't be unsaid. Even if it is just the red wine talking.

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Personally, I can absolutely believe that he meant that he wanted to marry you, and was completely sincere. However, feelings change, and a lot of people can believe they've found their absolute soulmate when they are in the earlier stages of infatuation, and later come back down and realize they're not so sure anymore. I've felt I wanted to marry and have babies with guys, and then, well, it hasn't worked out. (Agree that it would be interesting to think about what the substance of the fights was, maybe there is mor info to be found there.)

 

Aside from the fighting, it looks like he was swept up in the romance and excitement, and once things got real he got seriously freaked out. I still don't see much that YOU can do to change things aside from what I mentioned before.

 

I don't mean to take over the thread, hope others will chime in as I'm not an expert!

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The thing is, before I left, I had expressed my concerns and he said he knew it was going to be very difficult at first. I said I was worried about that. The stressful times etc. He completely reassured me that we would always talk about any problems and would work through them.

 

I do not justify that behaviour at all, and I know it was wrong and believe me, I am paying deeply for it. But I also cannot seem to understand why our first obstacle, couldn't be 'tried'. I keep thinking, surely HE is thinking

 

''okay, we were perfect in everyway, she screwed up. She didn't know her limit and got smashed and argued about stupid stuff, we were talking about marriage and kids, our families all knew this, I will give it one last shot now that we have actually brought up the issue, albeit way later than it should have been spoken about, and if the situation happens again I will call it quits.''

 

I know there's not much I can do, but what can I do to increase my chances of him actually believing me. Its not a situation I can prove like 'now'. Its one of those things where only over time, and over actually going out with friends, and experiencing that, that I can prove myself. I'm not 'blaming' alcohol. I can drink alcohol and be a normal happy being. But I have to say it is most definitely the wine! The night of the fight, I was fine. But the drink I was drinking got too sweet I just couldn't have another. So I ordered a red wine. My cousin said, 'don't order red wine it doesn't agree with you', but I did cos I was feeling fine. Literally after that wine, I wasn't fine. So I know now for sure its definitely that that doesn't agree with me.

 

I want him to know this too do I write him a letter??? I need more answers from him I just cant go on. I'm losing so much weight and cannot sleep or eat.

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and if the situation happens again I will call it quits.

 

Maybe he was thinking this, the first or second time it happened, and then it happened again.

 

I wouldn't write him a letter, I would give him his space. If he is reacting to your behaviour in a bad light, then hassling him with messages and letters with your feelings is only going to add to that. He knows how you feel, he needs some time away from you.

I should also advise you that there is a time limit to this. I don't think you should be waiting around for him either. You've basically told him that you will be waiting for him until July - 5 months from now. I'm not sat here thinking you deserve that, I really don't think you do. But you made a mistake, it is up to him to decide whether he walks away or forgives you. It seems like he has made his mind up though.

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I appreciate all your advise, and know I messed up and know the issue, and have dealt with it literally over night in the sense that im just never touching that stuff again. I know I mean it.

 

My main concern is regaining his trust and hopefully getting him back.

 

He had said amongst loads of stuff that we spoke of, that this was hard for him too. That he still loved me. His heart is saying one thing his head another. That is head is just messed up and he doesn't know what he is thinking. And because of that its not fair on me, or on him.

 

Is there anything in any of those words that suggest I have a chance. And If so, what is the best way / or how should I deal with it, to improve my chances?

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I think if you haven't spent much time with someone and one one of the occasions that you do there are 3 big fights that is a sign of MAJOR incompatibility. The reality is you two obviously didn't get on well.

 

Also if his family witnessed the fights they may have voiced concerns to him about it. I mean if someone slapped my son infront of me I'd recommend they leave the relationship immediatley.

 

I think once the physical violence line has been crossed it's time to split up especially so early in a relationship.

 

I'm sorry but I think he probably is done. Too much drama in a whirlwind relationship.

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This is certainly a conundrum. Personally speaking, having been a manager for a Drug and Alcohol Abuse Program, I see several red flags here. Nonetheless, there is always a solution to a problem, not necessarily the solution that we desire, but a solution to close the chapter and move on.

 

ANYTIME alcohol comes into play in the manner in which you described, I would assess that there is almost certainly an alcoholic situation that needs addressed. Our behaviors, whether under the influence of alcohol or drugs or not, are fully accountable and we are fully responsible for them.

 

I guess it all depends on the environment that we are in as to how common situations like the drunken arguments and ensuing assaults are. What concerns me is the blame shifting to the alcohol (red wine suddenly affecting you in December).

 

All this being said, I am NOT saying that you are an alcoholic. What I am saying is that, under the influence of alcohol during these occasions, you lost your inhibitions to practice self control and avoid offensive behavior such as you described. I am suggesting that you need to follow through with consulting a QUALIFIED therapist and determine whether there are any issues that you may need to address and get settled before you find yourself in this situation again.

 

It is a very sad situation that you find yourself in. If you sincerely want to improve your chances of making things right with this man, I would most strongly suggest that you follow through with consulting a therapist and make yourself right BEFORE you engage further in attempting to repair this relationship.

 

It is important that you don't slide into the 'victim' role at this point. This will only make it harder for you to accept responsibility for your role in the situation and inhibit your ability to work through to a solution.

 

You swore off the 'evil red wine' - that's a start. Now, show that you value your life by making things right for yourself.

 

All the best to you. I hope you accept this as a bit of wisdom rather than dragging you down. You have a long life ahead of you and making it the best you can is worth your consideration to invest in yourself so that you can make the best of life going forward.

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Thank you all ....

 

So after thinking... and thinking... all I do is THINK these days .... about that fight... well first I will try and describe our personalities, and that is hard to do in text form. We are both super bubbly and energetic. We both bounce off each other, we have and its hard to describe an almost dry or sarcastic sense of humour, that we both just get. We get each other and that's why we got on so well.

 

A few things that keep flapping around in my head is the following.

 

When I was in England, and never messaged him, (my stupid Samsung decided its battery wouldn't work and so it had to be continuously plugged into a wall - meaning, wifi, only when im at home). I had things to do, I was leaving the country, people to see .... and the time difference of - 2 hours .... Not much I know. But for example, if I hadn't messaged him as normal, I used to get messages saying ''you don't love me'', ''you hate me'' I thought that odd. Of course when I got home to see these messages, I replied in my certain way - and it seemed he obviously didn't mean those things, just said them. I dunno. odd.

 

During conversations, he would continuously say .... every so often ... ''I am the best boyfriend you've ever had''. But this is banter type talk, and we laughed. I'd reply, ''I know babe'' hahahahaha....

 

When I came home for him ... he would still remind me, that he was the best boyfriend I have ever had. As much as I love this guy and want him back, it DID start to annoy me, because ... its a little arrogant. The more I thought of my situation, the more I didn't like hearing that. He knew he had me by the balls.

 

Amongst our silly banter, which - please understand I love - that's what made us a perfect couple.... our dialogue just bounced .... he used to say things like 'fatty'... which (yes, I am different - and by no means fat) I found funny, he was messing about - joking - light hearted teasing. He on the other had DOES have extra weight! I have merely a little stomach roll! But you know, that kind of teasing is funny (to me at least) but there is also a line.

 

The night of the fight .... or shall I say the time before the fight, we had our long drive home. And lets face it, theres not much to do on a 5 hour journey. talk. tease. check out the view (which is the same view, cos you've done this drive a zillion times) .... its a tedious drive. end of story.

 

I do know, he had teased me with the whole 'fatty' comments ... and goodness knows why, but I wasn't in the mood for that kind of banter. I wasn't feeling happy in myself, I dunno, but it got to me. So I TOLD HIM TO DROP it. I think he made a couple more comments after that fact, and that annoyed me.

 

Then we were home, did this, did that, I'd let it all go, blah blah blah - and then .... the night of drinking progressed. I also recall that HIS FRIENDS were playing this stupid drinking game which basically was, if you drink with your right hand you have to down your drink. So if someone spots you messing up, they say 'shotgun' (caught in the act) and the person has to down their drink. I got caught a few times ... (I KNOW I didn't have to involve myself in this silly game - but - it was all festive, fun and I just wanted to join in and be a part of it all - MY BAD)

 

I ALSO remember before the 'fighting' going to the toilet with my cousin. I was telling her how my ex knew how to push my buttons, and this whole ''you're such a fatty'' thing was winding me up.

 

AND THATS THAT.

 

I don't remember anything after ordering a glass of wine. all I was told was we fought.

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Also, I remember the day before we drove down .... for the big gathering (night of bad fight) we had gone to lunch. I had ordered a seafood dish (I love seafood). I remember eating it. feeling full, but I didn't wanna waist anything, so I continued to eat it! lol. He was happy I was enjoying my meal. but he did throw a few comments like ''you're such a piggy'' which again, I can take, laughed along. He also did say that I was in much better shape when he first met me. I just laughed and said ''sheesh babe! that's a bit harsh'' and he replied with ''im just being honest''.

 

Again, whatever. I am petite - I AM NOT FAT IN NO WAY OR FORM - maybe I could tone up - yes, most likely. But I had enough on my plate leaving a country ... I didn't have time for yoga and gym while I was literally moving my life overseas. I knew this, so his comment didn't offend me - too much.

 

But possibly the jibing that continued the next day ... before that fight ... got to me subconsciously????

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There's light banter and then there's just being quite mean.. I think he was being mean with all those fatty comments. Yeah one or 2 little jokes can be funny but why keep at it? It's obviously gonna hurt you.. I think I'd get quite upset by that to be honest, as would a lot of people who arn't 100% happy with their bodies. However it's still not an excuse to slap somebody... I had many drunken arguments with my ex boyfriend when we were together but never in a million years would I have even thought to slap him, it's not something that should happen that easily even if you're drunk! I think rather than thinking giving up the red wine will fix everything (though actually you should probably do that) instead maybe you should consider seeking some professional help because it sounds like you might have some underlying anger issues! I used to get very angry when I was drunk and I had to try and figure out what was going on with a counselor, who was brilliant and helped me so much! I can still get a bit hot headed if i drink certain alcohols (usually vodka) but really what helped me was figuring out with my counselor why I was getting so angry, and what the underlying issues were! Are you seeing a counselor or therapist or anything at the moment?

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No chance of a counsellor or therapist in this country - its a third world country. for that you have to pay. an arm and a leg for. and I am being serious there. if I got hit by a car tomorrow, I would have ZERO help. because if you want that kinda stuff, you have to pay monthly for medical aid - and its very expensive! Not like the UK... there is no government help here.

 

I was promised that I would be put on his medical aid a.s.a.p. Soon as I arrived. that didn't happen.

 

Again, I am not justifying the slap - !!! - it was wrong I know - but still people make mistakes. it happens. he wound me up with his comments. that is all I know for sure. and I am pretty sure that underlying factor was what caused my outburst, after I told him to stop, that it was bugging me, he never did.

 

Point is, I STILL should not have done that ... I know! should have braced the topic another time. but I got blasted, end of story and it all must have just tipped me. on top of moving abroad, starting life in a dodgy place ... I am sure it must have been an entire abundance of stuff, that made me react that way.

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I think he does have issues of his own, now that you mention the texts he was sending you. Also, banter is fun, I'll admit. But I also think it's sticking to the one insult that sort of caught my attention a little bit. Not that it should be done all the time. Having a joke constantly is fun but if he can't transition to taking you seriously when you say stop, that is when the banter turns into an insult.

I think there should also be a good ratio of "insults" to compliments as well. If you're constantly being insulted for one thing, and never complimented for it, I think banter turns into downright nastiness. Take the "fatty" and "piggy" comments for example, it is a constant "joke" about your body and your eating. When a joke is repeated like that for one thing, the person "joking" definitely has an issue with it in particular. Then once you have turned serious and told him to stop, the fact that he continued is even more of a worry.

If this is constantly on your mind but you feel you have to suppress it in order to keep lighthearted, and not be a party pooper about the bantering then once alcohol releases this inhibition you will quite simply explode. I'm guessing his attitude after alcohol was also enhanced and he may have continued to wind you up and put you down "as a joke" simply because he thought it was fun to do so.

I'm glad you gave the remainder of the story. It doesn't condone the eventual slap but the build up to it and why it made you lose it like that is important to note. You are left feeling like the bad guy and therefore your original OP told the story in a completely blaming way toward you. But I also see now that his insecurities about you and how you feel, as well as his issues with your weight (and probably his own weight too) are actually major red flags.

I think as time goes on you will begin to see this too. The slap wasn't good, but I have also lost control with my ex in the past - and he got an alcoholic fueled slap on the face after calling me names like sl*t and wh*re "as a joke" in front of our friends. I felt awful about it of course but I can relate to not backing off when alcohol is involved and instead taking the initiative of violence over calm in the heat of the moment.

If you're not normally like that, and something fueled you to get physically violent when that isn't you at all, I think the relationship was a little intense to begin with.

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thank you for posting.

 

Yeah, the thing is, there isn't anything really wrong with my weight so ... its kinda something that shouldn't get to me. im 5 foot - 49kg's ... yeah, maybe some toning up but that's it. I think besides the silly weight comments, it was more his reinforcement that 'im the best boyfriend you've ever had' that got under my collar. As well as him saying to me 'you love me'. Like DUH I know. I tell you all the time, why tell me that you know that I love you. grrrrrr.

 

I just think that, regardless of knowing I am not overweight, it just irritated me! He did compliment me though too. so I dunno.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Quit going around and around on these points. It does not matter if you need toning, can't afford yoga.... the issue is that he says stupid comments like this and you still think you two have a perfect relationship. Show me someone who prides themselves on witty, dry sense of humor and I will show you a closet bully. Combine that with his immature texts to you the minute you fall off the grid....wow, can't you see that this guy is not ready for prime time?

 

You give great credit to him telling everyone that he is going to marry you. Talk is cheap. It means nothing in the middle of a whirlwind affair. The fact that he is going flying internationally again, means nothing because these big statements are all part of the drug you two are feeding each other. How about some down to earth, day to day maturity and good decision making?

 

You need to know that picking out baby names is a red flag. Guys like him will give you a sense of forward reality by saying and doing things like this. You give him credit as if this is really happening. He hasn't done anything except say words. He hasn't had children with you? There is no proof that he actually will. He hasn't even solved the issues that plague the relationship now. But by picking out baby names, he is living in the future and you are giving him the qualities of a good mate and father. When in reality he has done none of the hard work associated with that. He would rather play silly drinking games.

 

You need to drop the fantasy and see this in the light of reality.

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