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timeforchange

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I have just joined this forum and initially posted this in "breakups" I felt it was more appropriate here..... I initiated the break up of an 18 month relationship 2 months ago. We were living together and it soon became obvious I'd made a huge mistake. He was very controlling, jealous, obsessive, demeaning, he had a lot of insecurities and hang ups. He demanded respect in his home! He was jealous of my relationship with my children He often accused me of conspiring against him. He projected all his issues onto me. When I left he said that he would kill himself and that it would be my fault. Since leaving him he has sent messages of how he cannot live without me and how he cannot function knowing wether I love him or not. Then messages of how I'm lower than the sewer and I used him, a very long list of all my faults and what he perceives that I did wrong. Then a message of how he'll give me another chance!!! He has stopped this when I said I don't want him to contact me anymore. Now he's already seeing someone else, 2 weeks after he was so devoted to me. I pity her as she is much older and posting it all over FB. The term BBFF was used a few days after being together. I have blocked them both as I do have dignity! I'm angry, hurt and confused. How does one do that sort of thing and not have a conscious. I try really hard to not think about how it all unfolded and not beat myself up about the choices I made, I'm having a hard time at getting over the whole ordeal. I'm trying to make it about me!! I am torn and broken, a shell of who I used to be however I don't want to be a victim, I want to break free from this. Then last week after having NC he messaged saying although he was upset with me for leaving he was still crazy about me and had met another lady but couldn't get close to her because no one can replace how he feels about me. I did not reply!! I would really appreciate some clarity on this. I must say I am on the road to recovery however I still have hope and dreams!!

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You have some damage control to work on...you have extracted yourself out of a very abusive relationship, and now feel worthless because you feel you've been replaced. Be thankful this abuser is someone elses problem now. As for yourself, you have no idea how many guys would love a chance to be with you, treat you right, and enjoy your affections. Open your eyes a little wider, and dismiss this abuser for what he is.

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Thank you for your reply Poppa, I have done some research on the topic BPD. Which came up in a lot of articles on toxic relationships. Ex had a lot of these traits however one that doesn't fit was he wanted me there right next to him all the time. 24/7! In the beginning he was very charming and would pay for things, refusing my offer of contribution. Then he has turned it around that I used him and took from him. The gifts of jewellery for my bdays he took when I said I was leaving, his theory was I would dispose of all traces of him from my life. This is noy my way of thinking. When he spoke of us and our future he would describe it in a manner that he was going to lead us to a better lifestyle. Out of the low income we were living in to a lifestyle of wealth which he knew he could provide. I did feel like I was crazy, I was taking prescribed meds as I was feeling like it was all me, I was the one having trouble. I stopped taking them at the end of the relationship and suddenly felt so clear in what was going on. To sum it up I felt like a trapped animal! Walking on eggshells became the norm. Now I feel I am a different person, I am slowly reclaiming my life and who I am! Thank you for your advice and I'm sorry to hear about your experiences too.

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  • 1 month later...

Am I wrong if I wanted to help my poor ex partner, but then he started to take advantage, and when I talked to him about this, he made me feel bad and pinned the blame on me. then when I tried to be firmer with my money, he would say he needs it, why do I always say ill help him, then I take it back? and I only do it to get something back?

 

in my heart, I didn't do it to gain nothing back, and I still wanted to help, but just be more careful, as I worked for it & he spent it on silly things?

I'm starting to believe all these things he said were true, my intentions were to upset him?

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