Confused...Unsure of what to do...

[jfields]

Hello, everyone...this is my first time posting here, but I am just so desperate for something, some idea of what to do. This is going to be rather long, and maybe for the most part unneeded, but I feel like if you don't know where I am coming from, or the whole story, then you won't understand why I am so unsure of what to do about my situation.

 

My fiancee and I have been together for seven years, and for seven years he has been my fiancee. Not because we haven't wanted to get married, but mostly because we were content with how our lives were.

 

When I first met him, it was my first relationship ever, I was 20 at the time, and he is 10 years older than I am. He had a wife, who he was in the process of divorcing, because of the way she treated him and 3 kids. It was really hard time for him, and we became friends because he needed someone to talk to. My first date with him, we stayed up all night, and walked around the city, we ended up at the beach just before sunrise, and we sat in the sand and held in each other while we watched the sunrise. We both agreed that for some reason it felt so right being together. We loved each other since then, but we have been through so much hardship, and drama...both of us didn't ask for it and we really don't like drama but somehow it found us. After his x-wife found out we were going out, she talked her gang related buddies into trying to hurt/kill him. I ended up hiding him out at my apartment. There was so much stress with his x-wife and everything that was going on, he ended up having surgery for his appendix, cause he started suffering from chronic appendicitis. During the surgery, he aspirated and ended up being on life support for a week. I stayed with him the whole entire time. During this whole time I was a full time student and had a full time job. And he was looking for a job, his x-wife had caused him to lose his old one, by showing up and causing a scene.

 

A few months after that, I ended up losing my job, because the company was downsizing, I told him I was going to have to go back to West Virginia, where I am originally from to try in save some money and figure out a plan. He said he wanted to come with me, so we went back home, and moved in with my mom and my Sister. He met my mom and he got really attached to her, he had been in foster care the whole time he was growing up and never really had a real mom. While we were in West Virginia, he got to meet all of my family, I started to go to school, for a few months there, we drove to Florida for a week vacation and such.

 

Eventually his x-wife called and said that, he needed to come back to California because she needed help with the kids, or CPS was going to take them. We ended up going back, on the prefix, that we were suppose to be able to stay at one of his friends house, while we found jobs. It didn't work out that way, and we ended up being homeless for almost a year, living in our car, while we tried to find jobs, and figure out a plan, and I was still going to school.

 

Eventually we found a man and a woman in Washington, who said we could drive up and stay in one of their apartments if we both helped out around their place with yard/housework, until we could get established. It wasn't the best of apartments but it was ours and we were happy.

 

When we got to Washington, I took some time off of school, so we could get our lives straight, and I found a job at Wal-mart. My fiancee had found a job to. Well eventually, we had to leave those apartments because another one of the tenants got the place closed because they reported it as being unfit to live in. The owners of the place, felt really bad for us, because we hadn't had a chance to save any funds to move on, and so they gave us 1500, to move with. We found a place, with some roommates, but we ended up getting all our money stole and getting ripped off with still no place to live. I had a steady job, but I had only had it for about 2 and half months at this time and we had very little money. So the owners of our original apartments let stay in a tent on their premises, and we snuck in the apartments to shower and stuff. After about a month we saved up enough money to move into a really nice apartment of our own. Which we did.

 

My fiancee, got to a point, where he said he was scared of the relationship we were in, and needed to get away for a few weeks, and try to figure out his feelings, because he had never been in a relationship that had lasted as long, and had been as good as the one we were in. So he went to New York, to stay with some friends, we talked everyday, and he called me one day two weeks later, crying, saying he missed me and he wanted to come home, and he should have never needed to leave to figure out if being with me is what he really wanted.

 

It was about a year after that...and we were doing really well, my mom and my sister were getting ready to move out with us because there are better doctors where I am at now. Everything was going really well...until one day I got a call at work, my mom had passed away. My fiancee was at home, and didn't know anything, and I dreaded so badly to tell him. I went home, and told him, and he took it a lot than me at first. In fact at first he didn't even believe me. My family sent money to help him and I get back home, and my store pitched in some to...This was the first real funeral he had ever been to. But I had been to about 7 in my life so far.

 

And from this point is where things have not been right since. We came back from West Virginia about 3 months later, my sister moved back with us. She has been living with us since then. We ended up moving from a 1 bedroom apartment, to a 2 bedroom apartment, and now into a 3 bedroom house. He has been trying to get custody of his kids, because his x-wife passed away last year, but the grandparents are fighting tooth and nail for them. He has a full-time job and he has a hobby, he likes Cars, and his dream is getting and owning a 1995 Nissan 240sx. Which he has accomplished this past month, and almost has it put together with a rebuilt engine.

 

In November I talked to him about me quitting work, and going back to school and trying to finish my degree. He was all for it, and told me I should. He has always told me he doesn't want me working at Walmart anyway because they didn't pay me enough. So I quit working,

 

Since my mom passed away he hasn't been right. He got her name tattooed on him with the day she died. And sometime he will just set and cry because he says he wishes she was around, because he feels like things would be so much different for us. The last few months, have gotten, really bad, and he has grown really distant from me. His new catch phrase is, I don't understand why you have to control everything, when you can't even control your own life. I tried explaining to him that I am controlling my life, that I quit work to go to school. Once I get my financial aid check, I am going to buy a gym membership to lose weight (he says I never follow through with what I say I am going to do and that I won't do it). At one point, he even told, I needed to lose some weight, because I was starting to be unattractive, and his never said that to me before. I mean he buys me flowers and cards, and tells me he loves me. But, it's like a dead he loves me. I think his pushing me away for some reason, but I don't know why. And, when I try to talk to him about it, all he says, is that he talks to his friends, and all his friends, agree that it's me and that I have issues, and that it is not his fault.

 

I believe in talking things out, and figuring out the root of things, but when I try he walks off or won't talk to me anymore. He has said he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but he doesn't leave, because he knows I quit my job, so I could help us have a better life by finishing school, and that I wouldn't be able to support myself by myself and for 2) because of everything that's happened to us, between us, he just doesn't want to throw in the towel and give up.

 

He tells my sister, that he doesn't want to hurt me, and that he is not going to be the one to break up with me, that I am going to have to break up with him, but when I try to, he says he doesn't see his life without me in it and that he doesn't see me with anyone else.

 

I have asked him to go to couples counseling with me, but he said he isn't going to go talk to a stranger about his problems (his to prideful for that). He is constantly urging me to have kids with him, but I told him, I am not ready to have kids, until I know what is going on with him.

 

I know I love him, I know I want to be with him....But he is sending so many mixed signals that my neck is getting whiplash.

 

I just don't know what to do, or what it is that I am doing wrong or what I can do to fix this situation. In the past I have told him to hold off on buying car parts and stuff because we had bills to pay, but with his latest car, I haven't done any of that I have let him get what he wants. I found a Facebook message to one of his friends, that he needed to hurry up and finish his car cause he needed to get out of this house and away from me. When I ask him about it, he said it was just frustrated and venting.

 

I have even told him, and we can break up, and still be friends, and he can still live here and bring whoever he wants home, and we could just be roommates, but he says he doesn't want to lose me. And that even if I broke up with him and we weren't together he would still be miserable, so whats the point of breaking up.

 

Please someone help...I am confused, I don't know what to do. I want him to be happy. But at the same time his mood/attitude/such is really breaking my heart and making me sad.

[sammi87]

Okay...there are a LOT of words here in your post. But it boils down to this: why do you want to settle for a sad sack that seems more emotionally involved with you decease mom than you??

 

And frankly, an adult that spends more on his hobby (cars) than he can afford, is an immature failure.

 

Get yourself a job as soon as you can. And get that a-hole out of your house. Then you can find a partner that doesn't require so many changes from you.

[jfields]

Well I am working on getting a job but I just feel like that our relationship could be saved...if I just knew what to do...maybe I am clinging on to false hope

[sammi87]

Every relationship has problems from time to time that need to be talked out. But when your partner crosses the line into insulting you, manipulating you and trying to make you feel bad about yourself, they are emotionally abusing you.

 

This plan he has to basically torture you until YOU dump HIM is immature and cruel and shows that he doesn't really have sensible problem solving skills.

 

I think a break up is absolutely necessary at this point. If your boyfriend wants to use the time apart to reflect, mature and better himself, we then maybe there could be something between you in the future. But this current state you two are in is terribly unhealthy.