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Hi everyone. I'm new here but I desperately need some advice. I will try to make this as short as possible. My boyfriend and I have been together for 21 months. (We have known each other 15 years). About 6 months into our relationship we moved in together. Things were great for a little while but we both started dealing with some personal issues separate from each other and we both just kinda shut each other out. About 5 months in to living together, I became friends with another guy. This ended up causing a lot of problems between my boyfriend and I. So, we broke up and he moved out. During that time I dated the other guy for a little bit. We didn't sleep together or anything like that though. I realized how much I loved my boyfriend so I broke it off with the other guy and my boyfriend and I started trying to work things out. We went through a really rough 4 months after that (understandably) but now, after 9 months since the whole thing happened we finally seem to be at a pretty good place again and pretty much back to normal. My boyfriend tells me every day that he loves me so much. He tells me I'm his soulmate and that he wants to spend his life with me. He says he wants to marry me. Here's my problem. He says these things but when I bring up him moving back in or us getting engaged, he says "it will happen when it happens" and that he just wants to take things slow. He makes no signs of trying to advance things. I'm getting mixed signals. When I try to talk about it with him, he gets upset. I'm starting to feel like he's never moving back in and we are never getting engaged and that maybe I should walk away because I won't be happy in the current mode we are in forever. But, I also don't wanna walk away because I love him more than my own life and I can't imagine life without him. Am I rushing things? Am I overanalyzing? Anybody have any advice for me?

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Seriously? You lived with your bf and started talking to another guy.....then started dating him. And you're wondering WHY your bf is apprehensive to living with you again??? You are LUCKY he dated you again. Not to be harsh but you seem pretty selfish with your outlook.

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I think it's fair to try and open up a better dialogue with him about how he is really feeling about the relationship now. It may be that it's going to take a lot longer for him to trust you again than you think. It may be that he's not so serious about a future anymore after what's happened. Whatever it is - clearly things are very different now to how they were when you first moved in and I think you should find a way to discuss how they are different.

 

That's different to pressuring him to move in or get engaged. Hopefully he won't get annoyed or angry if you try and have a conversation about how he's feeling about things now. The conversation should have nothing to do with convincing him to do what you want him to do - but just understanding how he's really feeling now.

 

Clearly "it will happen when it happens" is an absolutely content devoid answer - so I think it's fair to try and understand where he really is in all this a little better.

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I think you're failing to see that very few people are able to recover from infidelity in the long term. It's possible he's at war with himself with wanting to make it work, yet on the other hand knowing the chances of recovering the trust are slim to none.

 

Also, not to sound harsh but while you're looking at what you want and need, you're failing to see the damage you've caused. I would walk way, set him free and take the lesson with you.

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My boyfriend tells me every day that he loves me so much. He tells me I'm his soulmate and that he wants to spend his life with me. He says he wants to marry me. Here's my problem. He says these things but when I bring up him moving back in or us getting engaged, he says "it will happen when it happens" and that he just wants to take things slow. He makes no signs of trying to advance things. I'm getting mixed signals.

He's not giving you mixed signals- he's telling you that he loves you, but he is skeptic about taking his relationship to the next level after you broke it previously. It doesn't sound like he has fully healed and is "playing it safe" by choosing not to move back in. To fight and leave after living together less than half a year is not a good indicator for this relationship. Let's be real.

 

Moving in together takes a relationship to a whole new commitment level. You both moved in too soon (6 months after dating) and the relationship burned out quickly (5 months after moved in)... that's a total of 11 months right there of being together before you got dumped. He moved out and does NOT want to jeopardize his relationship again. He's being very reasonable and careful about rekindling a relationship with you. most guys... they would move on if they didn't their girl was hanging out with another man.

 

You both have to prove it to each other that your commitment level will regain before he feels secure enough to share his living space with you.

 

I'm starting to feel like he's never moving back in and we are never getting engaged and that maybe I should walk away because I won't be happy in the current mode we are in forever.

If you walk away, you will have proved it to him that you were not the right person. It's fair that you give him time and not pressure him into the decision to move in. You are the one who drove him away... now you have to prove it to him that you want to make an effort by respecting relationship boundaries.

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Unless you've established with BF ~exactly~ what caused you to turn your focus away from him and toward another guy, and ~exactly~ what steps you have taken to fix that inclination in yourself and ensure that you will never be disloyal again, then BF has every reason to worry that the first time you're not feeling so great about him, you'll stray.

 

It's one thing to admit a mistake, but it's entirely another thing to patiently respect another's need to observe you live out an important change in yourself for a long period of time. Until BF feels that he can trust you as solidly loyal for the long haul, he's not willing to set himself up for a larger investment in you.

 

Unless you can appreciate BF's cautiousness fully and be patient enough to earn his trust over t.i.m.e. then you're not really trustworthy material. You can argue your case all you want, but the only real way to walk your talk is to quit making this about what you want and demonstrate respect for the risk BF is opting to take by being with you AT ALL.

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You can argue your case all you want, but the only real way to walk your talk is to quit making this about what you want and demonstrate respect for the risk BF is opting to take by being with you AT ALL.

 

^^ This!

 

Many guy would have not reconciled with you. Trust is earned. You broke his so it with take time to build it back up. If you truly want to be with him -- vs wanting to be in a relationship that is "moving forward" -- you will wait for him to feel comfortable with moving in/getting engaged to you again.

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