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I think I'm in love with an engaged girl, help!


blueg35

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Hi everyone, I would really appreciate some advice on my situation. Thank you for your time in reading this long post.

 

I'm 26 and met a girl at my old work about a year ago. At first I never really thought anything of her, she was cute, but that was it. She had a bf of 6 years who lived with her, and I knew little of her as a person. Over the months through group happy hours and group breaks I got to know her more. By this point I thought she was really cool, intelligent, fun to be around, etc, and I had developed a small "work crush" on her. There weren't too many people out age at the office that were outgoing and social like she and I were. We also both hated our job and work culture and grew closer through these happy hours. At first she seemed hesitant to hang out late with me (after all the older, married employees went home early after a couple drinks. I was always wanting to have fun and stay out later). I started thinking that she knew I liked her and maybe didn't feel comfortable being alone with me. However, for whatever reasons, she did start to stay out with me later and later after everyone else had gone home. We got to know each other immensely during these times. We would drink and talk and talk for hours (sometimes for like 6 hours at the bar) about life, relationships, goals, things going on in our lives, our issues with our work, etc. I learned a ton about her current relationship with her bf who she at one point had said "I'm not in love with him, but he is my best friend" and essentially said he was a safety zone for her cause she was use to being with him for 6 years. She also, when we were debating something about my life once, called me "an attractive guy" and that she wished she could set me up with someone because I was such a good guy, but most of her friends were guys and the girls she knew were not good enough for me. She also said she liked that she could talk to me about anything.

 

Fast forward a few months and we both quit our jobs and moved on in different directions. What did not change, and continued however, was our weekly happy hour tradition, which had evolved into a 1 on 1 happy hour, as the others we had use to go with stopped going. All summer and fall, I would do dinner and drinks with her and continue to get to know her more. Though at times we both would get tipsy/drunk, we never pushed anything to a physical level, and I always respected her relationship, even if it took every ounce of my energy not to kiss her! I started thinking to myself, this girl is absolutely amazing, everything I have ever looked for in someone. I was impressed about our similar past experiences and how we had so much in common. I started thinking about her more and more, and seeing her for happy hour became the highlight of my week! She complained to me about her bf not proposing yet and other issues of their relationship like him cheating on her during their first year, looking at other girls, not doing household things, etc. This really got me thinking that she unhappy, but was settling, because he was her "safety zone" and she was on a time-line and under pressure to settle down, get married and have kids. Other former co-workers who mutually knew her had said the same thing. One night she got super drunk and one of my friends showed up. She started getting really chatty with him and I overheard her say: "If I was not dating ****, I would be dating this guy" and motioned towards me.

 

A couple months later she almost broke up with her bf for not proposing yet, which she had been hounding him on all summer to do. Next thing I know is, he gives her like a budget and she goes out ring shopping for her ring because she doesn't think he would have the ability to get her something she liked (?). She bought the ring (wanted me to come a long with her to pick up the band) and then gave it to her bf and was like just propose sometime soon. Meanwhile during this time, she had invited me over to her house a few times for football games and parties, and I was too weak to say no. Obviously it hurt to see her in reality with her bf during those times, but I wanted to see her more so I would go. Our weekly 1-1 happy hour meetings continued, but once she got the ring bought it seemed like the late nights we once had became earlier nights and she stopped drinking with me for the most part (wanted to diet for the wedding, etc). She told me she had a chore list for her bf (crazy, in my mind that she needs to give her bf a list of things to do because he can't take care of things) and on the list she constantly wrote PROPOSE!! Reminding him that he needed to do it soon. I felt sorry for her, there was no romance in their relationship. And she was essentially forcing him to propose.

 

One night I called her out, in a respectful way, and just questioned the whole thing with her getting engaged. I told her I cared about her (to which she responded she cared about me too) and wanted her to make sure she was making the right decision with her bf and that getting engaged/married was a huge life decision. She downplayed all the past/current issues she use to complain to me about him on. Said she loved him and that for all his shortcomings of a husband that he will be, she will have other people take care of those missing pieces. She also told me she expected divorce (more or less as a fact of life) and was already consulting about a prenup with an attorney.

 

So a couple weeks ago he finally did propose to her, after her constantly badgering him about it verbally and on those chore lists, and they are planning on getting married in the summer. Furthermore, recently I confessed my feelings toward her and that I wanted her to know the truth about how I felt about her. She didn't seem upset or surprised and said she kinda knew I liked her all along. She said she still wanted to spend time with me now and in the future. I told her it hurt a little bit when I found out she finally got engaged, even though I knew it was coming. And she said it hurt her that it hurt me (?).

 

What should I do about this? I definitely think I'm in love with this girl and want her in my life (even as a friend). She also wants me in her life, and has been very adamant about that. I'm one of the select few she is inviting to her wedding. I don't want to torture myself forever. Should I let her go? Should I man up, try to find other girls, and just try and be friends with her and work on forgetting that massive attraction? From my time together with her, and based on some of what she has said intoxicated to me, a part of me thinks she likes me somewhere deep down, but just can't go down the route. However, maybe I have read it wrong the entire time and it's all been one sided, on my side, and she just views me as a really good guy friend in her "friend zone."

 

I may have left out important info, so if you have any questions feel free to ask. Please help with thoughts! Thanks!!

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You were and are her male girlfriend and the only thing she has really done with you is what she does with girlfriends - yak about boys, relationship problems, go shopping...for her engagement ring...with you in tow. You are just a friend to her.

 

Bottom line is that since you have all these feelings for her, you need to distance yourself from this situation. You are wasting your time on this and it is getting in the way of you forming a healthy relationship with someone else. Most women will run away screaming the minute they see/sense your attachment to this girl and your supposed "friendship". Do yourself a huge favor and put in a whole lot of space between her and you until such time as you no longer have feelings and don't feel the emotional attachment that you currently feel.

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Interesting. She writes a list of chores for her boyfriend and expects him to follow it and you want to be with her because? Do you not think that she'd do the same to you?

 

Move on. She is with someone and they've been together a few years. Look for someone who is also single. Why would you look at someone who is already in a relationship? I doubt you'd think it'd be fair if that was done to you and also consider this - You're only hearing her side of the relationship story

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You were and are her male girlfriend and the only thing she has really done with you is what she does with girlfriends - yak about boys, relationship problems, go shopping...for her engagement ring...with you in tow. You are just a friend to her.

 

I have debated that idea with myself. I guess the fact that she spent so much time with me alone, and has called me "attractive" and a guy she herself would be dating if not taken, gave me some weird sense of hope that she did potentially have feelings for me. I guess when you are in love you get these blinders on and over analyze everything she does in hopes that she cares about you more than as a friend.

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Interesting. She writes a list of chores for her boyfriend and expects him to follow it and you want to be with her because? Do you not think that she'd do the same to you?

 

Move on. She is with someone and they've been together a few years. Look for someone who is also single. Why would you look at someone who is already in a relationship? I doubt you'd think it'd be fair if that was done to you and also consider this - You're only hearing her side of the relationship story

 

Well this couple is a total mismatch. Professional, independent girl, and somewhat of a leech, video game playing, lazy, boyfriend. So I think that is why she does that.

 

I don't know why I fell for her so hard. Like I said, in the beginning I never viewed her like that. It was only after she started spending a lot of time with me that I changed my mind. Maybe I view her as a platonic girlfriend, and became reliant on her to fill that void in my life.

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Well this couple is a total mismatch. Professional, independent girl, and somewhat of a leech, video game playing, lazy, boyfriend. So I think that is why she does that.

 

I don't know why I fell for her so hard. Like I said, in the beginning I never viewed her like that. It was only after she started spending a lot of time with me that I changed my mind. Maybe I view her as a platonic girlfriend, and became reliant on her to fill that void in my life.

 

Yes, but she chooses to be with him and plans to marry him, which should illustrate to you she has her own problems which likely run pretty deep and there is much about her you don't know. This has divorce written all over it.

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Yes, but she chooses to be with him and plans to marry him, which should illustrate to you she has her own problems which likely run pretty deep and there is much about her you don't know. This has divorce written all over it.

 

Many of our mutual friends see it. Me especially. It's sad that she is going to put herself and her future kids through that just because she thinks divorce is not a big deal and a fact of many marriages. I know she has insecurities that could be driving this decision. Just sucks when you see the good in someone, and think they deserve a lot better, but you are powerless to do anything.

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Well this couple is a total mismatch. Professional, independent girl, and somewhat of a leech, video game playing, lazy, boyfriend. So I think that is why she does that.

 

Bear in mind, since you've said you only saw THEM a couple of times, part of what you're hearing from her is the normal venting you'd get from any FRIEND. And some is likely skewed. (which is completely normal) If he had the means to buy her an engagement ring, even on a budget, he's obviously got a bit more to him than some who make video games = life and are true "leeches."

 

And her chore list may be because she's particular about some things. I've known plenty of guys (including my husband!) who are willing to do what's asked, but don't necessarily see what needs done, or know the preference of the person who wants it done. My ex's mom did everything for him - and HE was clueless. The difference between him and hubby - hubby is willing to do what's asked, and the ex wasn't.

 

He may be next to useless in your estimation - but there has to be some reason he's held on to this girl for over 6 years.

 

Face is, regardless of his "worth" in your eyes, SHE loves him. And her own statements put him on a higher priority for her than you. IF he wasn't in the picture, she'd look at you. Well, he is, and you're riskng your friendship staying so close with unrequited feelings for her.

 

Sorry, but you're doing yourself no favors by tormenting yourself. She's done and said nothing to you to give you any hope or clue that she's reconsidering her relationship with her long term boyfriend, now fiance. I'd talk to her and tell her you care about her - enough to step back until your emotions fade into something more appropriate for friendship. That in the meantime, her being with someone else bothers and hurts you. And you need to distance yourself so you'll start to feel open enough to other girls, one of whom may be the one for you.

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So if you strip it down, the real problem here is you are attracted to unavailability.

 

She's not some special gem that changed all the rules for you .....something in you was open and willing to giving over yourself to someone unavailable.

 

Don't get distracted by the details here.

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You can choose to hang around but she has made it clear that the role you serve in her life is to give her the emotional support her bf does not. You are a male girlfriend because she likes knowing she has that male attention and loyalty.

 

It's interesting you say that. Honestly, for a long time I have thought the same - that she uses her time with me me to fill whatever aspects of her relationship with her fiance that is lacking. It appears there is very little romance or emotional support in her relationship with him. It seems to be all physical, and very little of anything else. I have speculated that I may be the one that provides her with what she is missing and that is why she is so eager to continue hanging out with me.

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Wow, so this girl knows she is going to likely divorce the guy she's with, but still hounds him to pick out a ring and tells him he has to propose to her? Talk about your controlling nightmare of a woman. She just wants a marriage for the sake of marriage and obviously there's a financial incentive in all of this if she's talking prenup,wonder how her "fiancee" would feel about all this if he knew? And you, buddy you are that Significant Other's close opposite sex friend that we all dread having around. You will of course be there to pick up the pieces once you successfully engineer some way that she and her SO break up,

 

There's nothing good going to come of this, I'm just going to say that and respectfully bow out.

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Well I think your instincts that you fill in the emotional support she needs is right.

 

But you should also analyze why you spend so much time with someone who was unavailable. Itsallgrand has a great point about you here as well. Are you unavailable to women on general?

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Wow, so this girl knows she is going to likely divorce the guy she's with, but still hounds him to pick out a ring and tells him he has to propose to her? Talk about your controlling nightmare of a woman. She just wants a marriage for the sake of marriage and obviously there's a financial incentive in all of this if she's talking prenup,wonder how her "fiancee" would feel about all this if he knew? And you, buddy you are that Significant Other's close opposite sex friend that we all dread having around. You will of course be there to pick up the pieces once you successfully engineer some way that she and her SO break up,

 

There's nothing good going to come of this, I'm just going to say that and respectfully bow out.

 

I do agree with you. She wants marriage for the sake of marriage and being on a timeline.

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You said you respected her relationship because you didn't get physical with her well that ship sailed when you started becoming her emotional crutch and hanging out with her alone drinking for hours.

 

How is that not being respectful? It was what she wanted. I never forced her to hang out with me for hours on end. I just enjoyed her company at first, and obviously that turned into something more for me.

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Well I think your instincts that you fill in the emotional support she needs is right.

 

But you should also analyze why you spend so much time with someone who was unavailable. Itsallgrand has a great point about you here as well. Are you unavailable to women on general?

 

Well I don't think I spend that much time with her. Just is/was essentially one day a week, sometimes less, and very rarely on a weekend night as well, but that was when she invited me out to do group things. Also, I don't think I subconsciously go for women who are unavailable (if that is what you are saying) and know plenty of times where I crushed on a single girl. I am very much available, but am extremely picky. I think it just so happens that some of the girls I really "click" with are unfortunately taken.

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So if you strip it down, the real problem here is you are attracted to unavailability.

 

She's not some special gem that changed all the rules for you .....something in you was open and willing to giving over yourself to someone unavailable.

 

Don't get distracted by the details here.

 

This...

 

Also you said the women you click with are women that happen to be with someone... I'm not saying you are being dishonest, but maybe you should ask yourself why you kept talking and hanging out with a girl you knew was not available??

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Well I think your instincts that you fill in the emotional support she needs is right.

 

I actually wanted to expand on this. I really think this statement could explain a lot on her end of things. Hanging out with her over the months began with going to taverns and getting bar food and loads of drinks. However, it kind of evolved into what I always kind of felt was like a platonic mini-date. At times we started going to places that were "nicer" and trying different things out. I remember once I told her I had limited experience with sushi, so she was like next week let's go out and get sushi. And I was like sure, why not. We went to a semi-upscale sushi place and she seemed to enjoy teaching me everything and eating off each others plates. That night definitely felt like a "date." Another night out I ordered a rum and diet coke and the waitress told her "my boyfriend does the same thing and orders diet." And she just sat there and didn't look uncomfortable one bit that the waitress thought we were together. There were many times too where her bf would call and she would "need" to go home. But instead, she would stay out with me longer in the car as we continued having these great conversations that she seemed to really like having with me. The more I think about it, the more I think she liked the attention I was giving her, which has long died off in her 7 year relationship.

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I think you are her second boyfriend, without any of the benefits. If you're cool with that, keep going and when you have these thoughts that you're in love with her just keep in mind she's probably being pounded by her real bf the night before, and that should be enough to turn you away. It would for me.

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This...

 

Also you said the women you click with are women that happen to be with someone... I'm not saying you are being dishonest, but maybe you should ask yourself why you kept talking and hanging out with a girl you knew was not available??

 

I really think that is more coincidence than anything else. But to your point, I did it because I enjoyed her company, connected with her on a lot of levels, and didn't mind she had a bf. I viewed her more of a friend in the beginning. That view kinda changed over time to some serious feelings, but I didn't want to throw away "what we had," so I just kept doing what we did together, while those feelings continued to grow.

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