What if I don't find anyone like her / who I can have a similar connection with

[Lucha]

Hi everyone, I'm sorry that I'm opening yet another thread but I feel like I have to share because I'm sure a lot of you are having the same anxiety: What if I never find someone like her again?

 

I mean, after two months of BU I only start to see the relationship for what it was rather than what I wanted it to be, but still I feel like we had such a strong connection. She was my best friend and my lover. We had similar interests, same humour, it almost felt like she was my other half. Sure there were differences: I am organised, she is messy (very). I have a master's degree, she is a warehouse worker. I am quite the perfectionist, she is more of an easy person (I mean this in a positive way, like she wouldn't be hard on herself and others like I am sometimes). But despite the differences we were so much alike. I have never experienced that with anyone before (for the record, I am 25). All my friends are in a long term relationship, settling, moving in together, getting married, having babies even. And I have to start all over again. And lately I have been having this fear that 'what if I never find someone I can share this amazing bond with, or what if I will always compare anyone to her?'

 

I know rationally speaking chances are that I will find someone sooner or later.. But just what if.. I have a lesbian aunt that has been single since she was 26. I dont wanna end up that way.

 

So anyway, are you guys having the same fear? How do you handle it or got rid of it?

 

Thanks for sharing

[lionheart153]

I share your same fear as well, I am also 25, my relationship ended after we had been engaged for 6 months. Alot of my friends are couples and I have to start all over again. It's only been 2 weeks for me so I still miss her. And Its been hard. I cant even think about finding someone else again. Growing up, I never had long relationships because I was mature for my age, if I felt that something about this girl didnt feel right or I didn't see it lasting till marriage, I would stop dating that pereson. With this one however, it was completely different I thought I knew what love was. I wanted to marry her after dating for 6 months, and our friendship of 3 years before certiantly made my decision more comfortable. So after dating for 2.5 years and after getting hints she would marry me, I proposed. But in 6 months, we are not no longer together, and I am 2 weeks from the break up and trying to just get through each day. So I force myself to eat, work out, and try to keep busy. its hard, if there was a magic pill to make it go away I prob would take it.

[Skullkid]

It's difficult, I know.

 

I ruined my last relationship, and I've been broken since.

 

I lost my dream girl because depression turned me into someone else.

 

My best friend and lover. The deepest connection I've ever had. But I let her feelings fade.

 

I'm 30 now. But it's time to let go.

[wilyone 11]

Yes, I do have this fear.

 

I handle it by trusting and surrendering to the universe. I believe in a higher power that brings people and opportunities into our lives at the right times. I read a lot of spiritual books and new-age stuff. A popular new-age mantra is "Nothing ever leaves your life unless something better is coming."

 

The few people I know who remain single for decades are the types who are either extremely difficult to get along with or extremely eccentric.

[maccerz]

I have this worry constantly, I'm also 25! Me and my ex were like best friends, I'm so worried I'm never gonna be able to find someone I get on with as well as I did with him! He got my stupid jokes and he found them funny, not many people do haha! I felt so comfortable with him from the very beginning, I just cant see myself ever feeling that comfortable with someone again.. it's a very scary thought!

[ParisPaulette]

I think everyone has that worry, but the fact is love isn't a finite quantity and yes, you will find someone again. I've found love in every decade of my life and that doesn't show any signs of slowing down as I approach my 60s. And I'm sort of a shy reserved person who doesn't open up easily to people, so yes you can and odds are very, very good that you will find love again. It doesn't feel like that when you're nursing a broken heart, but those do heal and the world moves on and you do too.

[bumble230]

There are always "what ifs?" I'm the queen of "what if-ing?" Haha.

My ex of nearly 2.5 years ended our relationship 3 days before my uni dissertation was due in. Found out he was cheating on me with a girl from work (his sister told me) and he is still with her 9 months on. We had our differences but our connection was mental. We just got each other and for the first time, I was 100% myself around another person.

 

I was worried that I wouldn't find that connection again, but 6 months on, I got talking to this guy and realised we had a pretty good connection from the get go. he ticked so many boxes (I am really picky so for this to happen is epic)... Too bad he ended up being a using, lying douche. But nevertheless, I found that connection, even if it did only last a little while.

You know you will find it again, it's just you're having the standard doubts. Just use this time to heal and don't make any rash decisions as they can do more harm than good. You're still young and have plenty of time. I'm 22 and all my friends are in long term relationships, married or engaged too, but I know my time will come, hopefully when I have a nice house and great career under my belt.

Your time will come just relax (easier said than done)

[Lambert]

It's very common to have these thoughts because you just don't know what the future holds and it's scary. But I firmly believe the only people that end up alone are the ones that choose to be. If you work on yourself and keep your heart open, you will meet people and make new connections. One thing that I've noticed for myself, is every guy I date is a little bit better suited for me than the previous. And I have definitely had those "I'll never find another _____" moments. Life is all about the journey... Enjoy wherever you are in yours because things always change, peaks and valley but even dark times have their value.

[micro]

What I've read in one of self help books on similar subject and that might help you is:

In life there is not guarantee (read control).

We all tend to get control of each aspect of our life. When we are out of control, we become anxious or even panicked.

Same with relationship. When we are broken up we have a feeling that we are loosing control in finding our soul mate, our other half...and we get into the panic state.

 

The trick is that there is not such a thing as a control in life.

 

Our feeling of control (when we have it) is just an illusion. E.g.

 

Even when we are in relationship with a person we see as our compatible soul mate and when we feel that everything is ok (and we have control of situation). She/he loves us and would never leave us....Even then there are thousand circumstances that could separate us from that person even following day, or month...

 

The fact is that when we are trying hard to get something it usually gets out of our hands.

 

The solution is to accept that there is not such a thing as a control, and to stop trying to establish control (pushing yourself to find another soul mate).

We should let it go.

Only then universe/God/destiny will put us in situation to get what we want.

[wilyone 11]

^^^

This is brilliant. Can I ask what book(s) this comes from? I think I would benefit from reading it. Thanks Micro.

[jonyyy]

I too had this fear. But not so much lately. The trick is to look at it realistically. If everyone who was dumped didn't find love and happiness with someone else again, the world would be full of miserable people.

 

Take her off the pedestal! Be excited for the future! Focus on yourself and when you least expect it, you'll meet someone amazing! That's my take on it. Just don't be eager for it.

 

My Ex always said that I was the one, she couldn't live without me, she would never meet someone like me etc. Guess what? When she least expected it, she did and she dumped me for him.

[micro]

^^^

This is brilliant. Can I ask what book(s) this comes from? I think I would benefit from reading it. Thanks Micro.

 

Hi wilyone. It is book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie.