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Feeling depressed, and wanting to just give up on life


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Hello, its been tough and I am hoping its ok for me to vent and talk about my relationship to help work things out, feel free to give opinions or not, but most of all thank you for reading.

 

So its been 2 weeks since our break up of our 3 years of dating with 6 months of being engaged, and friendship of 6 years. I've gone almost NC for about a week now, aside from letting her know that I was going to drop off my keys and get the last of my things when she was at work, I have not talked to her at all.

 

It's been really hard and right now nothing is going well, I had to move out, luckily a friend offered me a room. But my friend got promoted (good for her) and she needs to leave the city for it, she originally had planned to rent out each room separately because there was another friend renting already but she couldn't find 2 more renters, and when she finally did they wanted the whole house, so I have about a month to find a new place to live.

 

I feel lost, and incomplete. This woman was my best friend when I moved to this city, we met early on and clicked really fast. She had moved to the city to live with her BF at time which her family hated and her mom even claimed to disown her. Her bf at that time was terrible, both mentally and physically abusive. She was in an unhealthy relationship.

Eventually she finally listened and saw the light and broke up with him. She became single but I didn't know and did not pursue her, but we were friends and started to hang out more and more. Eventually another guy came into the picture and they dated just over a year, during the time we were still good friends and I actually started spending more time together. We considered each other as best buds, I was firmly in the Friend Zone but I did not mind. I did find her attractive but never thought about dating or stealing her.

 

While her new bf was much better than the last, he was also older and living at home, partied alot and was always concerned about his friends more than her. He put drugs and partying before her. Eventually the issues came to a head, I found out later when were started to date she stopped sleeping with him for the last 6 months of the relationship. Whenever she got into a huge fight with him she called and I would come get her, as a friend. After a few more months of this, she finally put her foot down and gave him an ultimatum. That either he choose her or the drugs and partying. He wouldn't give up partying and drugs so she left him.

At this time I knew she was single and I kept my distance because I had recently gone through a fling that failed as well. She got mad at me for ignoring her and msged me to spend new years together. I told her I worked. She called me at midnight to say Happy New Years, we talked and I found out she was drunk and trying to walk home in -30 weather when her place was literally accross the city. I volunteered to get her.

 

When I picked her up she wanted to go get food, so I offered to go to the all night Chinese restaurant in town that everyone goes. She didn't want to and suggested we go back to her place and she would cook me noodles and we could watch a movie. So we did and we ended up passing out in her bed watching Avatar. (who suggests watching avatar at 2 am?) I made a move and simply but my arm around her and we fell asleep, she said that was the first time she saw me as anything other than a friend and from then on it was a rollercoaster ride.

 

For the next 3 months I realized I wanted to be more than friends, but she wasn't sure because she was still scared to ruin our friendship. I went out of town for a weekend and we msged and talked non-stop. When I got back she called me and we had our first intimate time together. It was amazing and I blew her away (literally). From there she tried to be single and hide her feelings because she wasn't sure, eventually I put my foot down and said I couldn't do it anymore. I told her that I just can't be friends because I had feelings for her so I walked out of her life.

 

After a week of NC she called me one night on St Patties day and told me she missed me a lot and had something to tell me, and asked for me to come over. I hesitated but I told her I would. When I got there, she admitted her feelings to me as well and told me how much she realized she wanted me in her life. She wanted me to be her boyfriend and wanted to be my girlfriend.

 

It was an amazing time after that. I had never med someone like her that I cared for so much. A few months later on her birthday I couldn't hold it anymore and I told her I loved her, and she cried and said she loved me to. Throughout the beginning of course it was all dates and gifts and presents and everything is wonderful. She moved to a new apartment due to issues with her roommate and I stayed so often over night we decided to live together because it financially made sense. She never wanted me to leave anyway. My grand mother passed away that year, she was a very important person in my life, and she was there for me. After the funeral she came with me to be by my side and that was the first time she met my family, they loved her.

 

We had amazing fun over the next few years, but I was always working full time and we both were in school for a time. She was doing well in her career and got promoted to manager and started to make more money.

 

Our relationship had some issues, such as fighting over silly things, but we always had an agreement to work things out and never go to bed angry, all our friends admired us, and we gave our friends hope. Even my therapist said that we sounded like a very mature and healthy couple that was effective.

 

When I try to think about our relationship to find major problems, there isn't much. Maybe I could have been more cute and taken her on more dates and such but I was always busy with school and work, and trying to save for our future home. In 2013 after many discussions and hints that she would marry me, I purchased her ring. It took me a while but I managed to do it while working fulltime and going to school full time.

 

In May I popped the question and she said yes, it was the happiest time of my life and we spent the summer madly in love. By fall things had started to get stressful, we both were done school. I recently got a new job that was more towards my Degree, but I wanted to keep saving for a house so I kept my old job as Part time. I had asked if this was a good idea because I didn't want it to affect our relationship. She said she was so proud of me and she knew she was doing it for us and our future.

 

In late fall, her grandfather passed, I did my best to be there for her. We couldn't get a flight out of the city for her to see him and the only flight that left that night was in a city 2 hours away. I purchased the ticket and drove her down there to catch the flight, I wanted to go with her but I had to work and couldn't get the time off. Her grandfather passed away that weekend and when she came back I was there for her. I stayed by her side, and did what I usually do to try to cheer her up, buying her favorite food and put on a movie and just held her.

 

Her family came to visit for thanksgiving and I was there with them through all the emotions all the family thanked me and said they were happy I was there for them and my ex.

 

During this time we still had small fights, but it was always the same we wouldn't let it get to us and we fixed it before every night, we set rules to never yell at or swear at each other. I think I had a problem of always having excuses instead of just owning up to things some times. On month on her more sensitive times she got mad at me for not being cleaner and threatened to leave me if I didn't change. I told her I would and I honestly tried.

 

from here my story goes back to my first post here, Life was great, we were more connected I thought than ever but then in mid January we got into a small argument about what type of first home to buy and she broke up with me. As said before, she was stressed with a lot of things and her step dad innocently asked her if it was really the home purchase she was upset about. She started to push everything on to me as the problem and decided on her own that if I was out of the equation everything would be ok. So she dumped me out of the blue, well to me it was out of the blue, I realize that maybe I never knew how she really felt about things after all, perhaps a lot of it was a lie. This of course is speculation for what I heard from my friend who he got from his GF.

 

Since then my life has been turned around, trying to work at new position I got moved to and my other job and find a place to live. It’s been a rough few weeks. All I think about is her, and all that keeps me going is hoping that she will call me one day and say she was sorry and made a mistake. I’m trying to take the advice of everyone and work on myself for me, go to the gym, work hard, study for my upcoming exam for work. Etc. it’s been tough to say the least. Sometimes I’ll be ok but once silence sets in I think about her, I had to pull over the other day while driving because I remembered our engagement and I started to lose it. During this whole time she has been cold and ruthless asking me non-stop to get my things out of the house. Not letting me stay in the house I also was renting with her, posting on FB and stuff about how happy she is. I tried to be as mature and civil as possible giving her the house, let her know she can pay me back for my things and my DD when she has the money. It wasn’t until last Saturday she showed an act of kindness when she msged me saying she realized how hard this is for me and would try to give me clarification when I came to get the last of my things. I was in NC mode so I ignored her. And even my therapist doubts finding out would serve anything other than makes me feel worse.

 

Like I said I didn’t talk to her until Wednesday when I msged her but only to be nice and let her know I was going to drop off my keys and get the last of my things. I’m probably thinking too much but she kept mentioning that she would call me to figure out tv internet and cell phone issue as they were all under my name. I had told her before that I can simply ask them for a transfer and she would go into a store and get it done, I don’t understand why she mentioned more than once that she would call me about it. Either way I told her I was busy next week so to call me later in the week.

 

And that is the last time we spoke. I’m still sad everyday and sometimes I just want to give up. In the summer I plan to move away to the city 2 hours from here, I just can’t be around her or this city anymore. I always wonder what she is doing, and I get the feeling she will be partying this weekend because its my friends gfs bday and they got to be good friends so I wasn’t invited but she was.

 

Anyway that is that, I know it was long but if you actually read it thank you for your time. I hope things get better before it gets worse.

 

It's new year on the chinese calendar, so happy chinese new years. I hope this year brings better luck and better experiences than the last.

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I'm not really a pro at advice but I am in your shoes completely my ex of 5 years first love first relationship told me 2 months ago that she loved me but weren't in love with me and wanted to break up and see what being single was like I love her more than anything and I was so Cosey in our life, and now I feel complete emptiness and feel like the path of my life has been blocked. I am managing to get on with things although there isn't a minute that goes by that she isn't in my thoughts. I have started Nc 3 times failed twice after two days and now I'm 1 day Into attempt 3 I have kind of realised that talking to her isn't working she just makes me angry when she goes on about how happy she is and how I'm wasting my time if I think we are ever getting back together. So my last resort is no contact and this time I'm sticking there is no other choice it really is make or break for me now, there can only be a positive outcome I guess I either get over her or she misses me and comes back, I am very doubtful about us working again and for that matter ever even being friends or close again but I guess this is the start of a rocky road to recovery with the possibility of a chance with her again, I know how you feel this is the hardest thing I think a human being ever has to go through it makes me want to stay single I don't ever want to feel like this again, I just pray to god that I get better fast it,s ruining my confidence and social life. Sorry about your situation but no contact is the only way in our shoes I left it to long to realise this and now her and her family think I am a pyscopath due to my behavior caused by nothing more than pure desperation.

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