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WHAT DO I DO? We are from opposite coasts


annieanna

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This is my first post.. I have been browsing these forums for about two months now and finally decided to post my story, i'll make it as short as possible!

 

We met in college, head over heels right away, he pursued me. Best year and a half of my life. We were so compatible, always laughing, independent, loved the same things, it was just wonderful. We did long distance over the summers. (I am from east coast and he is from west coast) He begged me to move to west coast after graduation. I finally gave in and moved in October because I loved and missed him so much.

 

Because of other reasons we ended up living 2 hours apart. I lived alone and had no friends or family at all. I started to become resentful of him because he lived in his hometown and I would drive there every weekend to see him. I started to depend on him for my happiness, I was depressed, and I started to become really insecure (which is not like me!) This heavily weighed on our relationship. I became needy and smothered him every weekend.

 

After 3 months of this I moved to be with him in his town (however with the plan to move back to the east coast in 6 weeks) He begged me not to go but I went anyway. Something I regret everyday. After I left, he shut off emotionally. no goodnight texts or goodmornings. I could tell something was very wrong. I visited in July and things were very off.. we broke up because he didn't know what he wanted anymore.. he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me. This completely devastated me because I had plans to move back, I wanted to live where he did, I had been making friends, his family treated me like their own.. I loved living there while I did! I am also so in love with him still.

 

I partied all summer trying to drink it all away. Fall came and I got so depressed. He wrote me a letter telling me how amazing I was and why he fell completely in love with me and if we could stay in touch. He has told me things like "I believe two people can fall back in love" "I wasn't ready for more commitment" "I just don't want to be in any relationship right now.. with anyone" "You will always have a piece of my heart" "Maybe down the road we'll be back together"

 

It has been 6 months now. He has kept in contact with me the whole time. At first he was acting like nothing happened. He found out about someone I had been seeing and FREAKED OUT and demanded to know everything. He sends me texts occasionally, snap chats, likes my instagram, occasionally will call to check in. 5 minutes before midnight on New Years Eve he said he missed me. I do not always respond to him.

 

I am getting the most mixed signals EVER and its so hard because we live on opposite sides of the country. I am the girl he fell completely in love with but I just don't know how to show him this. I really have grown and realized what triggered our downfall. It was all circumstantial. I have worked on myself and feel like "me" again. I believe we are meant to be together. All of our mutual friends don't understand how we broke up.. they say we were perfect and thought we were going to get married. His mom contacts me every other week and even sent me a Christmas gift. I miss him and everything so much.

 

I love him so much and care for him a lot and just want him back in my life. I want him to be my boyfriend again and I want to be in a happy and healthy relationship like we had before. I just need him to want me back too...

 

Any advice on how to proceed would be so helpful!!!

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You're letting him have it both ways--he gets to reserve you for himself and have as much contact as he wants, and you get nothing for this but ripped up every time he pokes in and says hi.

 

I'd tell him your last paragraph but end it with needing to close off contact unless and until he decides he wants you back as his GF. Anything short of that is keeping you on a hook with zero payoff, and you want to stop that while you still feel love for him.

 

From there, you get to grieve and heal, and he gets to decide where he stands and fully grapple with not having you in his life.

 

If you trust that you're meant to be together someday, then this is the way to go, and if you don't trust that HE believes you're meant to be together, then what you're doing now is only wasting your time--and harming you in the process.

 

Head high.

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Thank you so much for the reply.

I sent him a letter apologizing for my responsibility in the demise of our relationship. All he responded with was "it was nice"

 

My therapist says he is processing it.

 

I just wish I knew what he was thinking or where he stood on us.

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He's just trying to be nice -- and how he stands on you is that he cares about you but is no longer *in love*.

 

He loves you like a friend or a relative.... he loves you as a person.... that's all. The romantic, longing, sexual feelings he had for you are gone.

 

Your therapist is just telling you what you want to hear. There's no hope here.

 

Please, it's been six months -- time to move on! That means cutting off contact so you're no longer there as his emotional safety net -- and more importantly, so YOU can heal and move on.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

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