Breakdown. Please help

[cryingalways]

I'm sort of having a break down at the moment. I started crying and screaming and shouting things and I've calmed down a bit now but I am still crying. It was uncontrollable. I thought maybe I had gone mad and that was it. I'd be in an mental ward soon. I am not in a good way.

 

My ex used to say I had mental issues a lot. I think this has affected me. A lot of what he did has.

 

Back story for me is I had a relationship with someone who was emotionally and mentally abusing me and kept threatening to leave (he did once then came back..there are a fair few stories of him threatening to go or saying it was over but staying the night in an angry mood) then he said we were breaking up and has stayed true to his word and stayed away this time. Which hurts a lot and I'm sure that is his intention. I have also stayed away however which I am not sure was his intention. He was probably expecting me to die for him or something equally submissive and destructive to me.

 

He put me down a lot. Especially when dumping me. I feel like nothing at the moment. I am considering ringing a helpline I am in that bad a state.

 

I just had a bad job interview where they sort of embarrassed me and made me feel very small and it has brought me way down and opened up all of my feelings of pain. I have been keeping these feelings in trying to move on lately but they have come out now after the interview. I do not like myself very much. I feel like I am bad at life. I will forever keep failing and the one man I thought loved me and I loved him was treating me very cruelly. I am no good at life. I can't even get a job in a stupid cafe. And I know that's not the main problem here. I have had counseling many times. Nothing ever helps. I am 28 and I have nothing. I live with my mum. I actually really believe that I will go nowhere in life. That has been what I have learnt over many experiences I have had. I am doomed. I am too weak. I am like a pet. I do not want to be a pet. But it's all I've ever been any good at.

 

Please be gentle with me if you respond because I'm really not in a good place. I didn't know where else to go to. I am feeling especially bad at this moment.

[sammi87]

Do it. Call the helpline right now. Tell them what you just said here and let them help you.

 

It is okay to need counseling. And needing to talk to someone does not mean you'll immediately be hauled off to the mental ward. There are many helpful options in between.

 

Please call.

[Lucha]

I feel for you, cryingalways! I have had a breakdown yesterday, so I can relate. Reading your post reminded me that I have too, called suicide hotline during the first weeks of BU, I feel ashamed of it actually but I needed support so bad. I had hysterical attacks as well.

 

I think you have been healing but for some reason you're having a major setback.. Did something happen?

Also people on here told me these setbacks are normal and part of the healing process.

You are not the 'pet' you describe yourself as. You're in a bad place because something very awful happened to you: your bf broke up with you. Although breakups happen to everyone it still is a lifechanging event. No wonder you're in great pain about it.

I read that you feel like you're going nowhere and you aren't good at anything, well Don't beat yourself up too much. You are hurting a lot and now you're hitting yourself to feel even worse. Be nice to you. Take a bath, eat some chocolate, do whatever it is that makes you feel better sometimes.. If you can't find anything, try some sleep. This awful feeling you're having is likely to go away within a few days. If not, I would recommend seeing a doctor for some antidepressants (I'm taking them and they've been lifesaving).

 

Hang in there, this is just a major down you're experiencing, and after a down always comes an up!

[Live-N-Learn]

check out link removed its for anyone with a hurt, habit or hangup and its free. You will meet a ton of people that love you right where you are today and they will not judge you.

[kompakt]

*HUGS* I know how you feel. I really do understand feeling like your doomed, in the last three years I've had health problems and felt hopeless. But one day you will come out of this funk and realize what the hell was I doing to myself. I don't think your a pet just sensitive. Oh and stuff your EX, never go back to him if he treated you like crap.

[cryingalways]

I can't ring now. There are people at the house and I don't feel comfortable calling a helpline with people about. And it's raining so I can't go outside.

 

I actually think if I wasn't so scared of doing it I would end my life. It feels ended anyway. I'm just floating about pointlessly. Nothing good ever goes anywhere. I don't want to be depressed and in pain anymore. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be like this anymore. I miss having someone to talk to. My friends all have their lives. I miss my ex but I can't even try and reconcile with him because he's terrible to me so I have to stay away. And live this hole of nothingness and think about how in the hell I can stop this pain.

[cryingalways]

ok I'm a bit calmer now. I've got a jumper and some olives which seems to have calmed me some what.

 

I have just never had proper hysteria like that, at least that I can remember, it was something else. I think I must have a lot of anxiety. Why do people have hysterical episodes?

 

I have always had panic attacks and I used to faint when I saw/read anything to do with death or mortality. Hysteria is a new one for me.

[Megs49]

You and I have a lot in common. I can't write much atm, I have a commitment I can't get out of, but I just couldn't ignore this. Please ring a help-line if you can. Remember that this feeling will pass, it's not forever..........but if you'd ever want to trade email addresses, I would talk with you. Like I said, I've been through a lot of what you have gone through-- I've triumphed over some, and still fighting and struggling with others, I am the same age, and kind of at a similar place in life, I feel a lot of the same ways...Please don't do anything that might cause harm to yourself. I promise it'll pass-- just remember, my offer of talking more through email is on the table. I care.

[Lucha]

I had two when I experienced unknown depths due to breakup. First one was when she came by to comfort me 'as a friend', second one was when she said she was 'going to distance herself from me'. I'm a bit of a control freak and these things were completely beyond my control. It felt like dying. I literally screamed my lungs out and threw myself on the floor. Now I feel pretty ashamed of it but then again, I had never before experienced such tremendous pain. Just like you I wanted my life to end right there and then. For me it is a control issue but perhaps the reason for yours is different....

[cryingalways]

Thanks Megs49.

I will send you a pm at some point I think.

I'm just exhausted now so I won't be doing anymore screaming or crying.

 

It's not just the break up that has upset me it's the entire relationship. It was not a normal break up either he showed no sign of any comfort whilst doing it, he just watched from afar as I was crying in the street on my knees after he had told me how flawed a person I was in a very angry mood. It was extremely abusive in my opinion. He had been getting worse and worse though so it doesn't surprise me too much. He was working up to treating me worse I can definitely see that now. If I had continued to beg he would have treated me even worse I am sure of that and that is what he wanted. He always seemed very alive when he was in one of his angry moods. Like that was who he truly was. A very selfish, very insecure, extremely controlling man who needs to torture others who are better off than him and he cannot deal with someone loving him because he doesn't believe it.

 

I am sad to hear others feel similarly to me but I hope you all the best too. It's been very hard for me today and I am sure you all have had these days too. I'm only sorry the world has so many of these people who hurt others on purpose.

 

I have been controlled for our relationship. Terribly. I felt controlled. I think that is my anxiety. I am upset I was abused. It is very upsetting. That has made me anxious. But there are other things too, my life is not perfect by any means.

 

I know my brother's death happening before I met my ex is a big factor in why I got into the relationship. He had cancer for 6 years. From when he was 16. Seeing that has made me very hopeless about life. I think I am just looking for some love and something good to hold onto so I don't fall into complete despair. I thought that was this guy. I shouldn't have. I knew really but I suppose I wanted it to be true, maybe he did too. But I don't think I would have got into the relationship otherwise no.