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Very long and complicated relationship question, but I really need some help?


missmeredith

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I don't even know where to begin. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. But before that we were best friends for 6 years. However I have always had a really strong thing for him, I am completely and utterly devoted to this man, I am truly in love and he means the world to me and I would honestly die for him. so seeing him with girlfriends and helping him with relationship problems was always tough, I couldn't get him out of my head. We supported each other through a lot of stuff during that time, but it was always tough. He's a very complicated soul, and not very affectionate, I've always known that.

 

In the fifth year, we ended up sleeping together. We were sleeping together on and off through that time, and in May of 2013, we spent the night together and we told each other we loved each other. At the time we both agreed that it was the best thing if we didn't get into a relationship. But then, three days later, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. We didn't see each other for a week after we got together and when we did he caused an upset and said that it didn't feel right us being in a relationship, and to be honest, I expected him to do that. It was hard adjusting to being a couple rather than best friends.

 

Over the past 8 months we've had our serious ups and downs. He worked away a lot in the summer and I didn't get to see him, and I'm the kind of person that needs to see their other half more than twice a week. My boyfriend is also bisexual, this caused a bit of friction and it led me to questioning whether us being together was the right thing. But after a while we worked things out. I then discovered a few texts on his phone that he'd sent to his best friend, asking her to keep him away from this guy because he wanted to 'snog his face off.' Another incident then happened where he was drunk at his friends house, and he got turned on over this guy. Nothing happened, but I found out that his friend had said 'if I wasn't so drunk and ill, something could've happened.' I confronted him about it and he said he couldn't promise me that nothing would have happened.

 

After of a lot of trust issues, we eventually moved on from it and during the summer I discovered he was on about proposing to me. But then a huge fight happened and all of sudden, that was no more. September last year where we went on our first break, it helped, we were stronger than ever after we got together and things were fine for months, a few things happened that I was not happy with but I let them go. December last year he said 'I don't know whether I'd be happier with or without you' and this made me very upset and he couldn't understand why I'd got so upset at all. And I ended up apologising for getting upset, this always happens, if we have an argument or a disagreement, I'm always the one that ends up apologising no matter what the situation.

 

 

And that was resolved, and then on Christmas Day we had a huge fall out as he had promised to spend New Years Eve with me and he had changed his plans repeatedly choosing between me and his friends, and eventually he spent New Years Eve with his friends, and I spent it with my best friend. We had an argument again on New Years Eve, and again, I ended up apologising and taking the blame. In early January we ended up going on another break because we argued to much, and we spoke during the break and he confessed that he wasn't missing me, whilst I was completely heartbroken and lost. During this time I also heard rumours that he had slept with one of his girl-friends (who I do not like at all), he is always texting her. I confronted him about it and he denied everything. We carried on with the break and he eventually messaged me telling me that his life was empty without me and I am all he wants and he loves me so much and again we ended up sorting things out.

 

Everything has been fine until now, I am going through a bit of a rough situation at the moment that involves my family. I was diagnosed with depression two years ago, and it is really showing through at the moment, and I've asked him just for a little bit more effort, because I am always the one asking to see him and making plans, I'm always the one to say I love you first, I'm always the one to make the effort and every time I ask him to prove how much and loves and cares for me, he tells me I'm being pathetic. I recently told him that I wanted more from the relationship even though we agreed when we first started going out that we wouldn't let our relationship take over everything, however I don't want that any more, I want us to move forward, because it feels like we've been together for a lot longer than 8 months due to how long we've been best friends for and the fact that we were sleeping together before hand.

 

I knew that when we got together it was going to be tough and probably end it tears, but I'd been waiting for this relationship since I was a little girl. And he said he doesn't feel the same way about it. I sent him the message he had sent me a few weeks ago telling me how much I meant to him and he said 'looks like we've both changed our minds on things'. We've been arguing all day and I've been asking him to just show a little bit of affection and he's repeatedly made excuses left right and centre, saying that he tells me he loves me, how is he meant to prove it, he lives outside of our home town and works weekends so he claims that's a reason for not seeing me, and again, I've ended up apologising and telling him I'm just a little bit upset at the moment because of everything that's going on with my family at the moment.

 

Every time I try and talk to him about how I feel he doesn't understand. What am I meant to do? I see past everything bad he does and I am always sticking up for him. I love him so much, and I don't know what to do. I can't see myself living without him, I am completely and irrevocably in love with him. I know the best thing to do would be split up because I want more from this relationship than he does, as he made clear to me today when he said 'I'm not putting my life on hold for you, or us', when only a few weeks ago he was telling me that he didn't want to lose me and I am the only thing that matters in his life? I haven't got the courage to end it, I know how bad I'm going to feel if we end up splitting up because I am so in love with this man. Someone please help, I'm completely lost.

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I guess I'm confused about what your question actually is... You already know what you have to do (end it) and you know why (the relationship is dysfunctional and you want different things). However, you say you won't consider that option.

 

What is it you actually want help with?

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You are in a very very tough situation MissMeredith and it's difficult to give you advice because, having been there, I know how there can be a huge disconnect between what you know intellectually and what you feel.

 

What you know is that there is no future with this man. You have experienced enough and it has been made clear to you countless times by his behaviour and things said to you directly. In your clearest moments, you know that you will never be happy with him and that the best thing for you is to cut ties completely.

 

What you feel is more tricky. Firstly because you are in love with him. And secondly, because he, in a certain way, does love you too. Although that love is not enough to commit to a future with you, it is enough to miss you when you're not there and to show genuine affection. These sporadic moments of connection are real, in a sense, and they make you both feel repeatedly that there is something worth trying for. This is the paradoxical behaviour of someone who loves, but is not in love with you.

 

I get the sense that you are not ready to leave this situation yet because your heart is stuck. I think you need to go over the facts of the situation in your head over and over, write about it, talk to friends about it, therapy...anything that will gradually close the gap between your mind and your heart and give you the strength to set yourself free of this, quite frankly toxic relationship.

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