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Resentment...Confused...Ugh


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Hello,

 

I know this is a horrible beginning, but I don't know where to begin. Maybe I just want to get some thoughts out on "paper," and if anyone wants to help, please.

 

I am in my late twenties. I have had a relationship with my boyfriend for a very long time. We were together in high school, in college, broke up for a short spell, back together, broke up for a longer spell, and finally back together. This time things seem more figured out. I have a solid career (RN) and he is building his business more and more.

 

I moved into his apartment in the spring. I have never been thrilled about the location as it is in a not so lovely part of the city, and I am used to suburban comforts. I was complaining about it until he decided he wanted to pay most of the bills. I wasn't thrilled about that at all, but he insisted. I do pay some bills, but most of financial responsibility is probably on him (again, his choice). That being said, he has very little money left over after that. He spends money relatively freely at the bars (once, twice a week maybe), or going out to eat. This frustrates me since I really feel that he needs to save. I'm a very big saver, and I sometimes loan him $ for his business expenses (he usually pays me back pretty quickly). I also paid the rent this month because he didn't have it. I don't really mind loaning him $, but when I do I get mad when he is going out still instead of saving that to pay me back quicker. I also hate how he has little $ left over to say, travel, because that truly is a passion of mine. His earning potential is limitless as he has his own business, but it's hard to remember that some times.

 

Now, you might wonder why we aren't married or engaged yet. I'm not sure myself. Basically my boyfriend doesn't feel he has the $ for it, and I kind of agree. I'm not going to lie, I would like to have a somewhat decent celebration for marriage, and it requires some $. I know traditionally my parents should pay for it, but they literally have no money for that, or much of anything. I have recently begun asking him when he thinks this will happen, and he says when he gets some $. Or he says he will ask his dad for it. But, I have to agree to have kids right away, from the sounds of it. I don't want to do that. I know I am of an appropriate age, but I don't want to have kids right away. Moreover, I'd really like my boyfriend to have more $ before we do have kids. Is that asking a lot? I don't really think so. I don't want to be paycheck to paycheck and with his salary, we will be. Yes, I make a decent living, but I'd not be working for at least 6 weeks. I don't know, I just don't think we are ready for kids yet.

 

And so, I may have made the cardinal mistake of moving in with him. He says we are basically married so why do we need to actually get married if it isn't for having kids? I guess I'm not really sure of that answer myself....

 

Finally, I resent him for little things. I work evenings and don't get home until after midnight. He works a more traditional schedule and wakes up early. He basically wakes me up every day, and I can't stand it. I don't think I wake him up at night as much as he does in the AM, and I make an effort not to. Or so since I don't pay the rent or the gas bill, I'm unofficially in charge of cooking and cleaning. I can't stand this as now I feel like I have two jobs. We don't have a dishwasher, so i do the dishes almost every day. And then I'll make dinner before I leave, dirtying more dishes. It drives me nuts when every day I come home and they aren't washed. I feel like I sound like a whiny brat, and I guess I am, but some of these things really seem to be getting in the way of my happiness. Then I'll be mean to him and complain and just drive him further away.

 

Do I just need to suck these things up more? Is this the reality of living with someone and a factor of our opposite schedules? And because we aren't married, in my head I just think "well I can leave whenever I want," except I don't know that I really do want to leave nor do I seem to have the guts to anyway if I did.

 

I literally don't know what I am asking anyone to say here. I feel like a rambling idiot. I guess this post is out of guilt since I was mean to him again before I left for work. I complained about him waking me up (oh, and his cats often do too) and not doing the dishes, and our lack of sex (also a byproduct of us not getting along right now, which he basically said). And so now I feel guilty.

 

The truth is, I guess I need to be clear about what I want with myself and with him, right? The sad part is I think I'd really love to just travel the world for a while, but he would never do that nor does he have the funds too. And I guess I'm too responsible to do that too. Ugh, I sound so whiny and dumb. Thanks for reading.

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Seems to me that the biggest mistake is that you just kind of randomly moved in together without really thinking it through and without a plan for the future. You also sound really kind of ambivalent on whether you really care if he is in your life or not. Seems almost like you two are together more out of habit than anything else. That's not good.

 

As you realize yourself, you need to first figure out what it is you want out of life. Forget the marriage thing for a moment and really work out what it is that you want. It sounds like you are not even ready for marriage and settling into family and kids and want to live a little and travel and so on. Well this is your time in life to follow through with that if that's what you want.

 

As for living arrangements, first you need to be honest with yourself if this relationship is actually working for you and do you really want a future with him. Second, work out your living arrangements better. If you want to live in a better place, like one that actually has a dishwasher, maybe discuss moving and splitting the bills more appropriately. You really ought to be splitting rent 50/50 and not this "I'm loaning him money for rent while living here rent free." That's not a fair deal since you are both working. Same goes for chores. You are both working, so chores need to be split as well. It's not like one of you is a housewife. If you want to live together, then sit down like adults and figure out a budget for the both of you and your options for moving to a better place once the lease is up. Also, figure out how to split chores more equally.

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Thank you, DancingFool. You're right on all fronts. I know some things are a relatively easy fix, like chores and bills. I feel a little bit better already. I sometimes feel like he is with me out of habit too and because he doesn't want to look for someone else. I love him and I know he loves me, but with our differences (like he likes to go out drinking at bars a lot and I don't really love to do that), I often wonder why he still loves me and wants to be with me. I know that sounds horrible and like I said, he does a lot to show he cares and says he wants to grow old with me and all that. But for some reason I still wonder and don't feel confident. Maybe it's old issues in the past that haven't been resolved, I don't know. But thank you.

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Okay, so he pays most the bills and basically financially supports you. Has it occurred to you that YOU could pick up the tab then when you're out? Or maybe even book a weekend getaway on your dime since he's pretty generous with his money and not having to pay the bills saves you a lot?

 

That seems to be the biggest household issue. The other stuff... Well there is no perfect partner or marriage. It's about compromise. You need to tell him you're overwhelmed with the dishes and ask if he won't pitch in more in that particular area.

 

Then there are the things you just can't do anything about. You just have to decide if you can deal with his alarm clock going off because the relationship is worth it or if it is a deal breaker. Same thing with his not wanting an official marriage anytime soon.

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Hi sammi,

 

Those are good points. It has occurred to me and I have been thinking about planning something around our birthdays in March. I think we probably do need to figure out a different arrangement as I was against him paying the bills from the beginning because I didn't want it to be like I was financially supported...since I do work at least 4o hours a week and bring home more $ than him.

 

I appreciate your input. You're right about him waking me up being minor, and something that could honestly be fixed. I feel so guilty about letting all of that stuff get to me as much as it has anyway. I think part of the problem also is not making the relationship a priority between me being out at night so much. I work 4-5 evenings a week, and then often have other obligations, too. It's hard to balance everything, and I know I sound whiny since I don't even have kids yet, but I volunteer and try to keep relationships with my friends up (though that's become increasingly difficult too).

 

Anyway, cheers, I liked what you had to say.

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I'd probably sit down and just make several lists for yourself.

 

One of what you need to have at minimum to make your living arrangements happier and better. Chores, bills, getting a better place, etc. What your mutual budget is, what can you and cannot compromise, etc.

 

Second would be what you want to achieve in the near future. Travel and places to see, savings money, etc. Look at that and think about how to get there. What do you need to do personally. Share those goals with your bf and see if you two even see eye to eye on it. If you do, work as a team to get there. It's not all just about money - there are cheap ways to travel if you really want to. Also, you can travel solo or with friends. There is no law that he has to go with you every time everywhere. Don't forget to learn what his direction is either. That is also important. Since I've built businesses, I can tell you that the idea of vacation in the first few years is pretty much out of the question and it's not even about money. It's about the time and energy you have to dedicate to it. So make sure you understand where he is really at as well. Basically, what is the compromise?

 

Third, the issues in your relationship and past that are continuing to eat at you and are being swept under the rug. If you don't air those issues out and discuss them, then it will continue to eat you up inside until you get what is happening - resentment build up until you are just snippy, complaining, and fighting, and miserable. The way you go about this doesn't need to be confrontational - you just need to air out your concerns, talk about it. Kind of go down the list and discuss things. Not necessarily all at once either, but don't leave it to fester.

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I'd probably sit down and just make several lists for yourself.

 

One of what you need to have at minimum to make your living arrangements happier and better. Chores, bills, getting a better place, etc. What your mutual budget is, what can you and cannot compromise, etc.

 

Second would be what you want to achieve in the near future. Travel and places to see, savings money, etc. Look at that and think about how to get

 

Third, the issues in your relationship and past that are continuing to eat at you and are being swept under the rug. If you don't air those issues out and discuss them, then it will continue to eat you up inside until you get what is happening

 

^^^^Agreed. As far as money goes- a budget would be wise. However, regarding marriage/kids, there is never a perfect time, even financially speaking. If you wait until the "perfect moment", you may never do either. Most people, even people with GREAT jobs, almost never just causally have an extra 10K or more to just "throw around". Is having big wedding party really essential to you? It is, after all, one day. Many people today realize that a party is just a party, if you really just want to be married, you don't need a lot for that. But if a big party is that important to you, you may be waiting a very long time. But take it from someone who has been there, IMVHO, it's waste of money.

As far as kids, they are expensive, but again, you won't magically have the "perfect amount of money" unless you win the lottery. Maybe you could have more, but trust me, extra expenses always crop up. Sacrifices have to be made, no matter your financial circumstances.

 

In terms of your living arrangement/schedule, you need to think this through. Are either one of you willing to give up your lifestyle choices to accommodate each other's schedule? If it's important to you, then you need to do it. Some people are fine with having different schedules. However, it does require a LOT of compromise and understanding. If either of you is unwilling to find some compromises here, this might be a "take it or leave it" relationship.

 

Word of advice- And sorry guys, this is just honesty and experience speaking- I have yet to live in a household with men, where the men (be it father, brothers, boyfriends or husbands- Yes, I have lived with ALL at different times in my life) do an equal amount of housework to the women. It's usually the women doing more. It's an old cliché that is still true. Maybe I've just been unlucky in this area, and there are men out there that are cleaner than others, but in my experience and my best friends' too, it's still the woman who does the brunt of chores.

 

But you two need a heart to heart, and soon.

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Thanks LovesDogz! And I think the money issue is what's making the smaller stuff seem so intolerable. Once you've rehashed your financial situation and that's not taking up so much of your energy, you'll have more patience for the other things and I bet they won't bother you as much

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Now, you might wonder why we aren't married or engaged yet. I'm not sure myself. Basically my boyfriend doesn't feel he has the $ for it, and I kind of agree. I'm not going to lie, I would like to have a somewhat decent celebration for marriage, and it requires some $. I know traditionally my parents should pay for it, but they literally have no money for that, or much of anything. I have recently begun asking him when he thinks this will happen, and he says when he gets some $. Or he says he will ask his dad for it.

It is downright incredibly rude to ask or even expect your parents to pay for YOUR party. Don't do this- if they offer, then it's ok. However if you accept the offer you will expect the parents to have a final say on your wedding plans and it will cause a lot of frustration.

 

I wanted to elope because of money issues and get the nice wedding w/ trip since weddings cost a lot. I'd rather use the money spent on a one day party towards my grad loans or to travel somewhere. My fiancé did not want to do that, wanted things done traditional. Last month told me that he regretted not listening to my decision since my parents (who gave us money) are controlling EVERYTHING and it has led to endless arguments.

 

Money should not stop you from getting married. And no, with this economy the tradition is not often followed about the parents paying for everything because brides do not want their parents intervening with their plans!

 

But, I have to agree to have kids right away, from the sounds of it. I don't want to do that. I know I am of an appropriate age, but I don't want to have kids right away. Moreover, I'd really like my boyfriend to have more $ before we do have kids. Is that asking a lot? I don't really think so. I don't want to be paycheck to paycheck and with his salary, we will be. Yes, I make a decent living, but I'd not be working for at least 6 weeks. I don't know, I just don't think we are ready for kids yet.

Whoa, your FIL has made an ultimatum about you having children? Oh Hell no. It's your vagina... He has no business making such a demand. That is so inappropriate for an inlaw to make such a request about what you do in your bedroom. I'd tell him to F off. Seriously.

 

Most parents are really broke from having kids. I don't blame you for not wanting to have kids right after getting married. You should be investing more time with your husband while being married before

 

And so, I may have made the cardinal mistake of moving in with him. He says we are basically married so why do we need to actually get married if it isn't for having kids? I guess I'm not really sure of that answer myself....

Ok... You need to move out. He refuses to provide LEGAL stability, and so His answer is unacceptable.

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I do think it is presumptious to expect parents to pay for a wedding of two grown established adults in professional jobs who live together. That should be reserved for a very young couple truly starting out on their own without a combined household and established careers. The tradition was because it used to be that when a couple married, it was the first time they were both moving out of their parents' houses, etc. And not the 30 year old living at home but truly out of high school or college and needing to set up a household.

 

Also, when the boyfriend says he doesn't have the money to get married, its natural to want to fix that and figure out a way to get that money - but it could be that its just what he is saying to appease you, because if he wanted to marry you now, he would have proposed instead of creating this open ended living arrangement. Or maybe the reasons for him not wanting to marry now are more complex. He may want to get his business more established or a myriad of other things.

 

Also, all you are doing is complaining. You want suburban comforts, so complain that his place is obviously in the city. He pays most of the bills. Well, he did before you got there. It is HIS place that you moved into with no commitment. Therefore, I can understand why he would continue to pay the rent and why you moving in might take charge of the cooking or shopping or the "extras" like the cable bill.

 

If there was a discussion before hand about what it should be and he is going against it, you have every right to complain, but right now - with no agreement = he can't read minds.

 

I think also that instead of pushing towards marriage, you should figure out if this is the guy you want to marry. There is a lot of "breaking up" then "figuring stuff out". I can see why you would have broken up in or after high school - its a major life transition. But breaking up two more times - i think your communication skills with eachother need to be worked on before considering marriage. You are hung up on the little things like your different schedules, etc, rather than the bigger picture.

 

Also - i am sorry to say but if you are not married, you have no right to tell him not to spend his money. Honestly, if he is paying most of the bills - it is not so bad for him to want to go out to dinner or have a drink. He is using his extra money on that because it is important to him to unwind. If he were not paying most of the bills, then you could see whether he was able to save more in keeping his want to go out to eat or not. But it is unfair to expect him to not have leisure also.

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His earning potential is limitless as he has his own business

 

What?? What business is he in that his earning potential is limitless? I think the potential for loss is greater than the potential of limitless income when it comes to owning a business. Sounds like his income is sporadic and perhaps he is not good a budgeting, and he's not a saver. These could be financial red flags, and living paycheck to paycheck could be part of the picture.

 

You are right in figuring out what you want at this stage of your life, but part of that is clarifying for yourself if this is the right relationship for you.

 

I don't understand the part where he decided to pay the bills, unless it was his solution to prevent you from complaining about the location and his style of doing chores. If your frustration is that he has no savings, then Split The Bills and put your part into savings and earmark it for giving to him (not loaning, as it is essentially for rent), for travel, for a wedding, for hiring a house cleaner, for buying a dishwasher, or for your security deposit when you move out and into your own place. Whatever you do, don't be resentful, it's too costly to your health and well-being. Whenever you feel resentment it is a call for you to take action and change something that YOU can change, either by solving a problem, making a change, or leaving the situation. (Talking probably isn't enough when it's gotten to the resentment stage.)

 

[EDIT] I agree that parents should not help with wedding costs for adult professionals that live together. Traditionally people did not live together before marriage, and they married before a career was established, plus women did not work once they got married, so the couple needed the financial help.

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Honestly LD - you don't sound that into him. IF you are and want to fix this, I would consider:

 

-Splitting the bills 50/50

-Telling him that he needs to help with the household chores more since the bills are split now

-Moving out alone to where YOU want to live if that doesn't change

-Finding a new apartment together that suits both your needs

 

I can see why you're frustrated with certain things but at this time, he's paying all the bills so I think the least you could do is help around the house and not be resentful about it. Be happy you have that - I never did. I paid most of the bills and did most of the housework (stupid me). It could be a lot worse.

 

If you try to implement those changes and nothing changes, then you should seriously consider getting your own place where you want to live.

 

I wouldn't even be thinking about marriage right now since you're lukewarm about him with the way things are.

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Thank you all for your thoughts.

 

To clarify, I would never expect my parents to pay for a wedding. That was put off the table years ago during a discussion with them. I certainly don't expect his parents to pay either, nor do I particularly want them to as I prefer to do things our way without someone who is footing the bill butting in. Lastly, it's really not on the table in the immediate future anyway.

 

Our schedules are opposite as I mentioned, but he did call me on my way to work yesterday to ask me what we can do to make me happier. It really wasn't the best time to talk, but I did bring up splitting the bills. He found it hard to believe that me putting out more money would make me happier, but I didn't have too much of a chance to explain myself. I'm happy he initiated the conversation, though, and certainly plan on continuing it. I also need to do a bit of soul searching myself.

 

When things are good, we have fun together, I picture myself growing old with him, I love him, etc. I'm not sure if maybe I have emotional instability issues, I'm a selfish brat, whatever. But thanks again for everyone's insight.

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What?? What business is he in that his earning potential is limitless? I think the potential for loss is greater than the potential of limitless income when it comes to owning a business. Sounds like his income is sporadic and perhaps he is not good a budgeting, and he's not a saver. These could be financial red flags, and living paycheck to paycheck could be part of the picture.

 

He's not great at budgeting, I don't think. But like a previous poster mentioned, I guess he does deserve to use his extra money to go out and have a few drinks once or twice a week. He works hard and if that's how he wants to spend his money, then so be it...right? It's not right for me to get mad because that's not what I would do, or do, with my extra money.

 

And I guess I meant that doing what I do, I know I'll never earn a salary of $200,000...rather it's highly unlikely, I don't want to get into rare exceptions. In his business, if he were to say start buying and selling houses (an interest of his), he isn't set at a certain amount. Right now I am a slave to the employer and what they want to pay. I guess his customers and the market dictate his earnings, but there isn't really the same cap? But what do I know...

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Also, when the boyfriend says he doesn't have the money to get married, its natural to want to fix that and figure out a way to get that money - but it could be that its just what he is saying to appease you, because if he wanted to marry you now, he would have proposed instead of creating this open ended living arrangement. Or maybe the reasons for him not wanting to marry now are more complex. He may want to get his business more established or a myriad of other things.

 

This saddens me a bit, because maybe you're right. Just an appeasement...and again, why should it sadden me if we're clearly not in a place to get married? I didn't think I'd become that person where marriage was the only thing on their mind, and I'm honestly not. But I guess I see it as a value thing, too. Idk, if he really loved me maybe he would have asked me already. But why would he want to when all I'm doing is complaining anyway? Ugh, I think I am the real problem here.

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