I'm not sure what it is. But I know I'm not that ok.

[DAVID x]

Hi. I was looking for a forum to get some advice mostly about depression and emotions i've been feeling for the past years. I hope this one will do.

 

First, i'm from Venezuela so english isn't my first language.

 

Long story short, i've been depressed for about 2 or 3 years, I never knew I was depressed till about 8 or 10 months, that's about the time I started to do something about it. One of the worst symtoms is social anxeity, like right now im feeling anxious just to write this, its like my head feels warm and pressured from inside and there's a nud in my stomach, I worry about not coming accross as I really think deep inside I am, an inteligent, trying to be the best he can be kind of person. I have some relationship problems, I have a lot of friends but i'm not sure if i have any real close one, girls, they like me but im not really sure if I want to be with the ones that like me, I just sometimes feel like I don't care about anybody. I have find some ways to cop with this, like having a mental mantra, something I say to myself all the time and helps get by day to day, but it always stops working and I have to find a new one. They are the stupidest things, lately is things about self -esteem, i've been feeling like one of my problems is I dont have the self - esteem i used to have so I say to myself I'm whorty, I can be the greatest of my generation in whatever I choose. And it makes me feel a little better but it puts a lot of pressure in me, also mindfullness techniches have been helpful like seeing myself from an outsided perspective, and trying to live this momento time by time.

 

I know this is all a mess, I wasn't planning on it being this way but I guess I needed to vent.

I just want some advices, someone to tell me I would just be someday without having to think so much, be happy.

[DAVID x]

Didn't mean to sound retarded. Sorry about that.

[DAVID x]

I feel incredibly lonely. I feel like I can't connect deeply with anybody, I'm too afraid of being judge.

[DAVID x]

Writing this is suposed to make feel better, but I feel worse realizing how many bad things I'm feeling. Why can't I be myself?

[pippy longstocking]

hi david ...

 

you are doing fine and good fo ryou for writing yoru feelings on here .

 

there are a few of us on here who can relate to the anxiety etc , so let me tell you you are not alone .

 

the mantra's are a good idea , I often tell people to say these things ...especially when they wake up in a morning ..to fill them selves with positivity straight away . Don't worry if you have to change them ..it is like anything ..we get used to it and we need to refresh to bring the power back ...

 

the mindfullness is so very very good ..I am actually just learning about mindfullness and the lady I speak to is in the middle of her training in it .

 

you are doing all the right things , but you must relax with them as well ..is it ok to be doing these things , like I say many of us do .

 

are you doing all this laone or are you getting help ?

[DAVID x]

thanks for answering, i never talk about this thing with anybody and I feel like im on the edge of melting down. I'm doing this alone, I'm reading a lot self-help/psycology lately so that's helping, and also excersicing and stoping some vices but just when it feels everything is going to be all right I feel like a mess all over again. Everytime. I know im smart, and I understand things some people don't, but sometimes I feel like it would be best to exchange that for a simpler life.

[DAVID x]

I lately have been telling myself "use your brain", all the time. It has help me a lot, I now realize it's have been a way to block my emotions completely and just be analitical about situations, a way of coping with the excess and the disorder of emotions I feel all the time. What I want is a balance betwen the way my head thinks and the way my emotions control this though. I want to feel, without those feeling taking over my rationality. From experience, that is not possible for me so far. That's why deeply connecting with anybody has been so difficult for me, and why I shut down to the people who wants me closer. I haven't been always like this. And I feel bad about the idea that I was happy but something happened along the way, and I fear I can not change it back.

[pippy longstocking]

It is a lot to take on on your own ..total respect for you educating yourself and learning about this stuff then applying it .

 

but just when it feels everything is going to be all right I feel like a mess all over again.

 

sometimes ...when we live on the edge of the fear and anxiety cliff we stop ourselves without meaning to ...when you have been unhappy for so long "happy" can feel quite alien ..so we go back to what is familiar ...the anxiety and worries and fears ...because that is what we are used to and it becomes almost comforting . Also when we start to feel better we can't believe it ...too good to be true etc etc so without meaning to , we put oursleves right back where we started ...because it is more comfortable that way ....sadly it can be more reassurring to feel like satans ass then to actually enjoy the happiness , or the feeling of been ok .

 

it is all fear based .

 

but you are doing an amazing job on yourself and you must give yourself credit for that .

[pippy longstocking]

thanks for answering, i never talk about this thing with anybody and I feel like im on the edge of melting down. I'm doing this alone, I'm reading a lot self-help/psycology lately so that's helping, and also excersicing and stoping some vices but just when it feels everything is going to be all right I feel like a mess all over again. Everytime. I know im smart, and I understand things some people don't, but sometimes I feel like it would be best to exchange that for a simpler life.

 

 

when you say someting happened along the way ..do you mean something ACTUALLY happened that turned your life around .

[DAVID x]

I know there isn't a cure to instanly "fix me" but i'm willing to take it step by step, I'm just lost about which are those steps. I feel lost, lonely and missunderstood.

[DAVID x]

Thank you shooting star, that makes a lot of sense. How can I stop going back to my "reassuring state"?

 

 

 

Some things happened. A break up, a job failured. I didn't go out of my house for almost 1 year. Drugs. Alienation. I just stoped caring about living my life. It just were many bad things at one time, probably not so bad or so many when I think about it now, but it was nothing specifically that I remenber just a period where I stoped feeling happy. I've always have this periods trough my life now that I remenber, but never so long.

[pippy longstocking]

It sounds like you saw hard times ..not going out for a year shows how low you actually got ..but you are dragging yourself back out into this world and wanting life to be ok and that is one hell of a positive step after what you have been through .

 

the only way to stop going back to that reassuring state is pure will power , I always marvel at how easy it is to be unhappy and how hard it is to plod on with happiness oozing out of us ..haha why is that ..surely to be happy should be the easiest option hey .

 

when something is going right and you are feeling "yes" there is future , there is a life out there for me you have to try as hard as you can to keep the momentum going ..as soon as doubt creeps in you start on your mantra's ..you believe it can and will get better ...and you avoid as much as you can going down the route of the self fulfilling prophecy .

 

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maybe you would benefit from speaking to someone if you have it available to you ...just to save you the leg work of reading about it all and trying to apply it ..someone who can guide you and come up with ideas .

[DAVID x]

Thanks for the reassuring words, you're awesome. That makes me feel better.

Wish I had someone to tell me these things... How can I stop being afraid of speaking of this with someone? I know it sounds stupid, how can I stop being afraid JUST DOING IT!, but it's hard, I would like to only be afraid of fear itself.

 

Hahah happiness plays hard to get, that's why we like her so much.

 

I should, I should speak to someone but i'm afraid, I have the monney to go to a pycologist but i never make the call, I just don't know what to expect, what if it doesn't help? what if I have a bigger problem that I can imagen, I guess Im afraid of someone actually telling me there's something wrong with me, I mean I know there is but I'm good at hiding it from anybody else. I just dont want to be seen as weak, as a loser, cause thats why I feel I am deep down.

 

speaking about it I sound like whinning , sorry for that

[DAVID x]

Also do you feel like you have a filter when you speak or is it just me? I usually consider my words when I speak, I don't say whatever comes to mind. Because, a lot of crazyness comes to mind, right now im doing it and I feel I sound like a child.

[pippy longstocking]

you are very welcome ...

 

again it is all fear ...fear of finding out you have more wrong with you

fear of the fact that they might not be able to help , then you are left alone with it feeling even worse .

 

those fears are fears we all have when embarking on this kind of venture , and I wont try and lie here ..you have good reason to be fearful ..sometimes it takes going through a couple of therapists to find the right one ..anyone on here will tell you that . I have gone in and just not clicked at all ..which ties in with your question about just been able to spill it all out ...I only can speak my truth if I have clicked and if I trust the person . They know themselves it takes time to pour it all out anyway .. no one can get it all out in one session and feel 100% safe and reassured ...it is like any relationship ..therapist - client takes trust and nurturing as well .

 

So let me assure you on that side of things that you wont have to go in and bare your soul to a complete stranger and then go home all alone having just opened every can of worms possible . What is even better is as you can pay for it ..you can pick your own and you can take this at your own pace . If it doesn't feel right , you leave that one and find another ..

 

yes I do "censor" myself and paint a smile on my face ..but I also do that because I believe that to keep smiling and to keep going does indeed affect you internally and mentally and you do start to feel better .

However we do all need that vent ....before we explode haha

 

as for feeling weak ect ..you know again , a lot of people feel like that . I think to expose your weaknesses makes you feel vulnerable ( you as in general terms of everyone) like it strips down our strengths and leaves us naked to speak and at the mercy of everyone else . I view it the total opposite and see it as a strength to stand up and be counted and embrace your own bull crap and go and deal with it ..

I was diagnised with bi polar type 11 a couple of years ago ..so I am no stranger to stigma and feeling bewildered haha but you know what , been told what I have empowered me ..knowledge is power ...I knew what it was , I educated myself like you're doing now , knew what was coming and set about trying to deal with it ..it actually made me feel stronger .

 

your fears around been told it is more sinister than you think , are again normal fears ..but as I said above knowledge is power ....right now you are blindly walking through and doing a grand job might I add . but still , you don't know which way to turn or where to go from here ..that is surely scarier than actually going to see someone who can steer your boat for a while and point you in the right direction .