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In desperate need to share and maybe get some advice too.


zeb18

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Dear All,

 

I felt I needed to share this but just don't really feel there's anyone I can really talk to about this in person. I have therefore signed up to this forum in hope of clearing my thoughts up slightly, glad to join the community.

 

Ok some background, I'm a male university student, 25 years of age. I have been with my girlfriend for just over 3 years now, living together for about 1. She is the loveliest person in the world, she has always treated me well and has only ever had eyes for me. This having been said, she does have quite frequent mood-swings where she will get annoyed at me for seemingly unimportant reasons. This makes me feel as though I always have to watch my tong to avoid saying something that may spark her up. Needless to say, she is an extremely emotional person that feels things very deeply.

 

Now, our relationship has has had very good times but things are starting to change especially on my side. Firstly, it has been a long time I haven't felt sexually attracted to her. I love her to bits as she is a sweet innocent person, but on my side all physical relationship with her is something I do not have motivation for. It's very difficult to explain and it may sound evil of me but I just don't have the attraction necessary to fulfill her physical needs (kissing and making love). I know she feels there is something wrong, it would be difficult not to, but she has just labeled this as something normal for a long relationship and I am too terrified to talk to her about it. Whats really difficult about this is that we really imagined we were going to stay together for a lifetime and she expects this is the way it will be. She certainly would not be able to understand my feelings and would not be able to process them rationally.

 

Other problems are arising too, for example her family is now borrowing money from me for so called loan repayment but have now renovated their living room. This to me seems odd but I have been promised to be paid back within a year. The problem with this is that it is making me start to resent her family.

 

I could write a lot more about things that are troubling me but I think I have set the tone adequately. Now my question is, what should I do about this? It's worth mentioning that about 1 year ago I kind of tried to break up with her but she really couldn't understand and it got me very confused about what I really want. How can I deal with this? Any thoughts or ideas?

 

Thank you very much for reading guys.

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Now, I would say if you don't want to leave her it is time to sit down and talk about the issues. Her mood swings may come along but you need to make it clear to her that what you have to say is important. Figure out first whether the lack of sexual attraction is just for her, or is it for everything? You may just be struggling with your libido right now that it takes a lot to get you turned on, much more effort than either of you are willing to make.

It could also be that her mood swings have put you down enough that you just aren't attracted to her anymore

 

If you are too terrified to talk to her then it is time to leave the relationship. She has put you in a position of constant vulnerability with her snapping and there is no safe environment in your relationship where you can talk openly about how you feel. The trust has already been taken away, so has the physical attraction. What are you getting out of this relationship? A constant fear that if you say something the wrong way, you'll get yelled at?

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I think you're absolutely right that it's time to do something about it. The question is, how do I approach this when knowing that she is very emotional and that she doesn't comprehend the notion of breaking up because feelings are missing. To her this isn't a reason to break up and she just feels so bad and confused about the whole concept. I really need to make this the least painful possible, but I'm out of ideas..

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The least painful way is the soonest and quickest way. The more it is dragged out and held on to, the more resentment is being held. You are not standing your ground, and letting her emotions take over what you have to say. This needs to be made clear in the beginning, that you need to talk to her about something but that it is important to you that she listens until you are finished with what you have to say.

Write it down if you have to, you might feel a little overwhelmed by her emotions if you are just left to speak freely and you might find yourself missing things out, or changing things slightly to save her feelings. At least when you have it written, you can read it out to her and not leave anything out.

If she still doesn't accept what you have to say then there is nothing more you can do. You can't stay in a relationship simply because your girlfriend will have a tantrum if you don't.

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I don't know if I am the best person for advice because I feel like I am pretty much the same situation as you. I have been with my bf for three years and we have been living with hime for a year. He is a great guy and truly loves me, but I just feel like my heart isn't in it and that something is missing. I am going to grad school and am moving states for it and he is planning for us to move there. He recently started talking about buying a place for us to live and completely freaked me out. I think he is a great guy and care for him, but don't know how to say I don't think we have a future you know. I am also not the best with confrontation and hate hurting people. So I think that you need to be honest and decide what you want and tell her what you feel no matter if she can't handle it because you have to honest with yourself right. That is what is most important. As I am saying these things to you I am also saying them to myself and its like the hardest pill to swallow. Its just hard when you live together and want to be happy, but don't want to hurt a person. I know I am rambling but I just don't even know how your supposed to tell someone who loves you these things and not feel guilty or awful. Well I hope it was a little helpful knowing that your not alone, and maybe have some advice for me as well!

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