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My new boyfriend wants to go back to friends?


annie-47

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I just started dating this guy last week and I felt like things were going great. We did sort of rush into things but we haven't been doing anything serious - no "I love you"s, no sex or sexual touching, we've been just hanging out occasionally and getting to know each other. He was the one who asked me out and did all of the "firsts" in our relationship (kissing and holding hands), but I agreed to all of it, obviously. He's been very much into me, probably even more than I am into him if that's even possible. All of a sudden he texts me saying that he wants a relationship but he feels like he wants to be friends first and maybe take a break. I'm confused and hurt because we've already started our relationship but now we need to stop it and just be friends? I thought we were already doing well at that. I don't really know how to be in a relationship while still having no commitment and being friends, since they're kind of the opposite, and it makes me feel like something is wrong or maybe he doesn't really like me that much or I did something wrong.

 

I just don't know what to make of all of this, I thought everything was going really well and now it's like I don't know where to go or what to do...

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I think take some space from him - and several months later maybe you can reconnect as friends if you feel at that time that you're more able to do so.

 

Why is he doing this? I don't know. There are a hundred possible reasons. Your post made me think of one reason out of the many it could be.

 

When I was dating, I was with this guy for a month. I liked him but I wasn't THAT into him. Only because I wasn't sure if we were right for each other. After a month I broke up with him saying that I feel we haven't gotten closer at all - not even as friends, let alone as more than that (I meant on an emotional level) ... and I think after dating and spending the time we had spent in a month - we should have gotten at least a bit closer. So I just didnt feel it was right.

 

He seemed really surprised. After a day or two he asked if I'd come round. I did. He asked if we could please try again and he thought it would be different that time. I said ok. I wasn't too fussed either way.

 

A couple of days later - we were supposed to meet up again - and he cancelled - and broke up with me in a weird way (I don't remember exactly except to say .. it's just like he'd just changed his mind for no real reason).

 

I thought - that's fine.

 

Many years later - after we'd bumped into each other - and had actually become friends - he told me that what happened back then is that his ex (a very recent ex) had come back to town and when he told her that he was seeing me (she's an acquaintance) - she'd gotten very upset and insisted they got back together (they had split up - on her wishes - for religious reasons) so he had agreed - and he felt really really bad about it - and didn't know how to tell me back then.

 

So... your story made me think of that. MAYBE he has some unresolved issues with his ex that are coming back to haunt him right now.

 

But honestly - that's one reason out of many possible reasons.. we'll never know what to really make of his behaviour.

 

In any event - I think the best thing for you to do is to say you'd like to just take a break from all things including friendship for a while and you can reconnect as friends at some point in the future.

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Well, I'd be tempted to let this guy know that I'm confused, and have him explain what happened. Even after talking to him about it, there's a very good chance it still won't make sense. At that point, I'd be tempted to cut off contact with him (unless you can see yourselves being friends and that's what you want). Either he wants to be with you, or he doesn't. Sounds like he needs to figure things out. In the meantime, you can move on to someone else who knows what they want. No point waiting around for him.

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It could be a fear of commitment? Sometimes guys feel that way....I have felt that way a few times. It's even the sort of thing that could sabotage something both people want. But I would have to agree...hard to say. Maybe distance is best, for the moment.

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It's been a week, you guys have just started going out, he's realized he's rushing too fast or his initial infatuation is wearing off. This happens, so I wouldn't spend a lot of time on this. Give him his space, tell him you are still going to go out and see other people until and if you both agree to anything exclusive and do so. Realize that just because the guy originates something first doesn't mean they aren't going to want to take a step back and slow things down or even decide they aren't as in to you as they thought they were. I don't think it's a fear of commitment, it's been a week of dating, that's way too early to commit to anything but dating and getting to know each other, which is all it looks like he's asking for.

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If he can grind things to a halt after just 1 week then I doubt he "needs to take a break" already. I personally feel that he that he just isn't feeling whatever he thought he was initially feeling and wants to revert back to wherever you were before you started dating. I doubt very much this will ever get back on the dating track. At such an extremely early point in the "relationship", I would walk away now before you end up falling deeper into something that is actually nothing.

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I would give him all the breaks he needs..and wouldn't bother with him again. I have no patience for people who don't know what they want.

 

I agree- no one needs a break after a week -it's fine if he wants to see his friends without you there -that's called healthy -but the whole drama of "I need a break" tells me he's realizing he's not that into you and doesn't want to lead you on. I wouldn't hang out with him as "friends" - tell him if he changes his mind and wants to take you on a date to let you know and if you're interested and available you'll make a plan. And no he's not scared of commitment -I'd go with the simplest, non-psychobabble reason -and it's ok if he's not that into you. He might change his mind but please don't hang around for any friendship scraps he wants to offer.

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I agree- no one needs a break after a week -it's fine if he wants to see his friends without you there -that's called healthy -but the whole drama of "I need a break" tells me he's realizing he's not that into you and doesn't want to lead you on. I wouldn't hang out with him as "friends" - tell him if he changes his mind and wants to take you on a date to let you know and if you're interested and available you'll make a plan. And no he's not scared of commitment -I'd go with the simplest, non-psychobabble reason -and it's ok if he's not that into you. He might change his mind but please don't hang around for any friendship scraps he wants to offer.

Yeah it's just weird because he says that he likes me and everything but says we skipped the "making friends" part, even though I feel like that's what we're doing now, though we are dating too. Isn't that the whole point of dating, getting to know each other??... I feel like he just isn't actually as interested in me as he thought, even though when we're together he's very into me... it's all very odd.

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Yeah it's just weird because he says that he likes me and everything but says we skipped the "making friends" part, even though I feel like that's what we're doing now, though we are dating too. Isn't that the whole point of dating, getting to know each other??... I feel like he just isn't actually as interested in me as he thought, even though when we're together he's very into me... it's all very odd.

 

Yes the whole point of dating is to get to know each other unless the point is just casual dating and then the point is simply to do fun activities together perhaps with some romance mixed in. It's not odd at all. He is not "that" into you so he's backing off. Give him at least twice the space he seems to need and I wouldn't hang around him as "friends" -if he wants to take you out on a date tell him to let you know and if you're still interested and available you can plan something. If you hang around him as friends you're foregoing opportunities to meet men who do want to date you and giving him the impression that you settle for scraps or to be plan B.

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