Jump to content

Confusion... What is she really wanting?

Recommended Posts

Ok so you may of read my post before (it was long) about my relationship. But I need some help/advice other than just "move on".


I am 28male, was in 8 year relationship with my ex-fiance now (27female). She left me exactly one month ago telling me she had depression issues / cutting self and wasn't sure if she wants this anymore or a relationship at the current time as she needs to fix herself. Her therapist recommended 3-6 month break with no contact so she can focus on her (and i agree with it although i didn't handle it well at first as we would have to break our lease / give up everything we had).


We've talked several times simply because of needing to sort out bills/breaking the lease/friend drama. At first I was desperate/needy and drove her off with begging her to come back... Now i've finally realized how good No Contact is for her and myself as I'm bettering myself as a whole at the flaws I did have in the relationship (cleaning/cooking/career) - and have asked her to not talk to me / text me atleast for a month if not more. She asked if a week or 2 after the superbowl was ok (3 weeks from now roughly). Not too happy with it, I agreed but it's causing me mass confusion ... I know that we still love eachother and that we easily could still be together, but with the way she broke up with me (randomly moved out. broke up w/ me over the phone asking me to not talk to her anymore.. yelling at me and going behind my back and telling all my/our closest friends bad things about me / our relationship) - I just don't know what I want right now... or if I should even be thinking about this.


I guess the long story short of it, She left me claiming she needed time to heal/think ~ saying the relationship wasn't what she wanted anymore and was too immature.. and that we'd never change. In a way it was right, cause since the break-up I've scene her and myself in a whole new light and didn't like what I was like overall. I think I can be better and know I'm better and this has driven me to fix myself fully.. but after telling me she didn't want contact for 6 months but already wanting it 1 1/2 months later? It doesn't make sense as it feels nothing has been changed and I still need time to change myself.. let alone there's no way she could already want to come back is there? I just never have experianced this as its my first true relationship and it was 8 years long. I love her.. but i'm not happy atm.


please help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But what is it that you want help on? Your title says "What is she really wanting"?


You're confused because she says:

>The relationship is no longer what she wants.

> The relationship is too imature

> She wants 6 months of no contact.


That's pretty clear.

The confusion comes about because now it appears she only wants 6 weeks of no contact.


Well - who knows exactly what she's thinking. Does she want to come back? I don't think so but after 8 years it might be difficult for her to go cold turkey for 6 whole months - maybe that's why she's changed it to 6 weeks.


All I can say is that she has some serious, serious issues to deal with. Her psychologist has said that a break from the relationship is important. So the best thing you can do is think of it as a break for a few months - the exact time being unclear - and see what happens from there. Make as many positive changes in your life as you can at that time and do the things you enjoy or that are important for you - and try and do them for yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, a very confusing post to say the least.

It seems your girlfriend suggested a 3 to 6 month break under the advise of her therapist which she was seeing to deal with her depression/cutting issues....then, when you pushed her away with your desperate pleading against the break, she told you not to talk to her, and preceded to bad mouth you to friends. You then realized that things weren't as good as you originally thought, and at least a month break was needed and asked her not to talk to you until then. She thought better of that and asked if the two of you could talk a week after superbowl (which is next week). Whew.

You know you love her, but you are starting to realize that you are a better person without her. You know what you have to change in yourself to be able to like yourself more, but you don't know if you will be happy if you get back together with her.

I would advise you to stick to your guns and tell her you need at least a month, preferrably more, to yourself because you have a lot of things to figure out. Both with yourself and with your relationship with her.

She, in turn, should continue to see her therapist and maybe this time try and follow through on what he is suggesting to her to make herself better. But then again, that is not for you to decide for her. The only thing you can do right now is what you feel is good for you. If you feel yourself improving when she is not around, that is a big hint on what you need to do.

Why go back to a situation that you admitted doesn't make you happy? Yes, it was your first real relationship, and yes, you feel you still love her, but those things alone do not make it something you are obligated to. There is too much confusion and hurt here. Take the time to sort things out for yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thank you for both of your replies! I am indeed trying to make as many positive changes as I can. The relationship before this honestly was probably the best/happiest time of my life. I still feel like the wedding jitters hit her hard, to the point of her old high school depression habits broke out.. so in a way I can forgive and want to try again.. but I'm feeling full of mixed feelings cause I know that I'd love to have the relationship ~ but feel like it wouldn't be smart to get back into it or even start talking right now. Mostly cause I need to keep fixing myself / fixing things I"ve always wanted to be better at (been working alot on getting in better shape) - I guess thats where confusion comes as its my first true true love... and we were about to get married.. then just this.. I guess the confusion is that the more I want it the less she does.. and visa versa.. if i don't seem to want it she seems to want to try to keep in my life / say "maybe there's a chance" -


I think I come here more or less to vent and read what other people say.. cause everybody has different view points on everything and its nice to see how more mature people handle it... as its my first time I made a mistake at first and chased... and now that I'm listening to what a lot of people say on here... it feels like she's already semi pulling back... Guess i'll just have to take things as they come, I don't see it happening again simply cause of all the stuff she's said/done recently .. but who knows Love is cruel and unknown to me.. as I would of bet every single dollar I own to tell you she'd never be like this... this is a complete shock to me and scares me a lot.. cause how can you marry someone and have kids with someone who can just leave you in a heartbeat? the worst part was she had been planning it and telling my friends... and dragged me through thanksgiving and christmas (i spent 400$ or so on her.. not thats important.. but just insane she let me give her christmas gifts before leaving..) - and left me on new years night over a phone. Its just so much to handle and so hard.. but will take your advice and keep being positive! thanks so much!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That is such a hard position that you are in and I cannot even imagine your situation. The fact that she left you alone over the phone on New Year's is kinda cold. A girlfriend of eight years shouldn't do that to you at all. If she was mature enough to tell you that she didn't want the relationship anymore, then I guess she wants something else. You just have to remember that you are you and if you think you don't need any fixing, then I don't think you should try to fix yourself. I shouldn't be saying this but if the right girl comes along, then everything will fall into place for you. You seem like a really loyal man and if she really wants to spend the rest of her life with you, she wouldn't have any doubt at all coming back to you after her need of a long break.

Just think positive, I don't know how hard it is to have such a long relationship and built love and long relationship with someone but you can do it

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...