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Seeing new girl I met online, not sure about her..


nephilonic

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Hiya,

 

Over the past four months I've been seeing this girl that I met online. To give you a bit of a background, we were talking via phone calls, emails and messages for another five months before we even met up. That was a long time, and I wanted to meet her sooner. We basically almost had a relationship before we even met, we talked A LOT on the phone and even heated sexual talk and picture messages etc.

 

Anyway, I got the impression that there was something strange to talk so long in this way but she didn't want to meet yet. She was in therapy for a while to handle depression and was also in an addicts program which she didn't tell me about until we had actually met. She said she had been a drug user, alcoholic and food addict at some point. She just said she had an 'addictive' and 'impulsive' personality. She never mentioned it, but I think she's had a lot of sexual partners too.

 

In fact a little earlier on through the time we were just talking, she even hinted about just having a one night stand when I pushed her to meet. I think she wasn't ready to connect with me emotionally, and said where this was going with us talking all the time would lead down a relationship path she wasn't sure she was ready for.

 

Anyway we kept talking, as obviously we liked each other. I said I wasn't looking for a one night stand. We met up eventually and it was great, we really got along. We made out profusely on the first date and second date. By the third date, she invited me to her apartment and we had sex. After that, the sex has been prolific including in many public places.

 

However she tends to not get emotional about things. Ive noticed she prefers to ask the questions but not answer them so much. Also I asked her why she's always on the phone and she said they were people in her support groups but I'm a little bit wary. It seems she would rather open up to them about stuff and not to me, and I realised our conversations were more fun and superficial than anything too deep.

 

Then she started doing thing I'm not sure about, like when we get out of the car for instance, she just shuts the door and starts walking ahead and doesn't wait for me. I know it seems petty but I feel like, why would someone do that? And she keeps mentioning when we hang out that she's not used to this, as in hanging out with someone for a few hours without having any set plans. Almost as if it's a bad thing, but she says it's been good for her. I think her life is very scheduled and she doesn't usually spend much time with a single person. She is very outgoing and has a lot of friends.

 

Lately she mentions that I'm in her space and hinted at being clingy, why I don't think I am. Like when I hugged her in bed after sex as she was going to sleep she shuddered and shook me a bit to get me off her. I thought that was very strange.

 

Mostly we have a great time, but I just notice she's off in the clouds sometimes. I wonder what she's really thinking, when I ask her she doesn't really open up.

 

Finally, I had made plans to go europe to see my family before we had even met. Now she is talking about also going overseas alone. This was after two months of us dating. We had sex in risky place, and she said something like this is the kind of spontaneity I want overseas. I was stumped and I asked her outright, do you want to have sex with other people like this? She just grinned and shrugged it off. Then she asked me where our relationship stood, as she had planned to go galavanting overseas. Galavanting, to me means, going around having sex with different people. Back then I told her I wanted to be in a monogamous relationship, and she said she wanted that too and won't be 'galavanting'. Was she trying to manipulate me? It hurt me that she would even be considering that.

 

What kind of person have I got myself involved with here? I have this nagging feeling that something is not right. The fact she outright tells me she has some emotional and mental issues, should I just back away before I get hurt?

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Hi,

 

You'd mentioned that she hinted at having a one-night stand but wasn't ready to connect with you emotionally...and I can't help but wonder if that's pretty much the way your relationship still is. That you're more emotionally involved while she isn't.

 

Have the two of you ever had deep, heart-to-heart conversations? This may be just me, but if I'm serious about someone I'll start divulging my whole soul to them. The fact that she seems to be holding back emotionally concerns me a bit.

 

I would suggest attempting to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Obviously it seems you're already trying that. I just feel that if you can't really communicate with someone, there is no relationship. And she doesn't seem to be committed to you. It's okay to lay your cards on the table at this point, since you're trying to figure out if you should back out now. It's okay to tell her, "Look, you need to be honest with me and answer me." Grinning and shrugging it off is not acceptable IMO. She should give you the respect you deserve by responding honestly and completely.

 

Good luck with this.

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My goodness everything you said was things I noticed and heard from mine; VERY SIMILAR; except I would say yours it a little more direct and mine has never smoked or done drugs!

 

I am still with her bought a house.And she has opened up but I still feels that she does NOT connect emotionally sometimes.

 

I noticed the same things at the beginning:

- Would just walk like if I did not exist...

- Comments of having a lot of "fun" on vacation; and then having stories for all her friends; yes I think she probably does not associate sex with love!

- Stared at men in front of me! Got her to stop!

- Had sex in risky places! Handjobs in parks, car, airplane...

- Almost had sex on the 2nd date (went 3rd base); most girls are not sleeping with you that quickly!

- "Mostly we have a great time, but I just notice she's off in the clouds sometimes. I wonder what she's really thinking, when I ask her she doesn't really open up." still happens to me; she seems to not communicate everything she is thinking; this happens less now though!

- Life was very scheduled, she works hard and with compartments for each relationship.

 

Finally, found out, she does love me; but she was very promiscous (at least 25 men); had many one night stands, has low self-esteem, her family also is nice but lack basic manners...HAS ISSUES WITH FATHER!

 

Anyways my hint is this. She is used to being rejected and goes for the ALPHA males and has daddy issues; but alpha males do not want to have anything other than sex with her and she already lost hope. She knows that her only option is a good guy (the nice guy) that can forget her past; she probably likes you because she sees something in you (interested in her and have manners) but at the same time this is all new territory for her but she does want a new life! She is probably used to being selfish (heartless) to protect herself!

 

BTW most of my friends and people in this forum have told me to break it off yet I have gone along!

 

Anyways I know it is not easy. If you can I would break-it off. If not go with it but before you do get to know what she considers acceptable and not and seee if you can live with it.

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BTW I agre with CML342. You may even need a couple of these deep conversations which she is not used to AT ALL. She will eventually crack (cry) and if she is serious about you and really likes you will go on. Her confort zone is probably shallow relationships WITH exciting beginnings and sad endings; I would also bet since she used sex as a barganing chip is the past and with you! Anyways; I guess the best advice is for you to WALK AWAY OR LEARN TO LOVE HER AND HOPE SHE OPENS UP!

 

Also a big indicator would be if you meet her family and she talks about long-term plans, travel...if not just lose her already. After 3.5 months I had met her mother and important friends.

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