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Is it possible to just move on so fast?? Please help!


Lexy83

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Hello everyone,

 

I have a problem I never had before and I hope some of you have some experience in this field. Also English is not my first language so forgive me any errors.. and length

 

I have been dating this guy on/off for 1 year. We had a lot of arguments, this is true, but when we were together everything was perfect. He has got some commitment issues and tends to pull away and I often freaked out because of it. But we always got back together after some days, a week or 2 max. In November and December things were going great, he was giving me more attention, he was more nice to me, we stayed together when problems appeared, he promised me he will never ignore me again (he used to do that when angry, but always came back), that he cares for me etc. I knew it wouldn't be easy due to our characters, but I was so positive about it.

 

It was right before Christmas when I got a bit too jealous and I freaked out. He didn't take it lightly but he didn't ignore me and we saw each other the next day, I apologised, he even brought a surprise for me and I was so happy. He stayed until next day - the day before Christmas. And then he vanished. I text him to wish him Happy Christmas, he texted back, I replied, then nothing. I got very very ill in the mean time. I text him again on friday (BTW we usually sent each other about 100 text per day) and he replied that he was so stressed, that he can't wait for this year to finish blah blah blah and are you still ill? This really hurt me because he knew I was ill, yet he didn't bother even sending me a text. So I got a bit angry at him, saying that he would knew if he texted me and not only when it suits him. He never replied.

 

I knew he felt like he was trying but it was never good enough for me etc, but I was sure he would be back like usual. 2 weeks later he indeed came to the club I go to (but he never does). He knew I would be there but I kept my distance.

 

At that time he adds a new girl on fb, a couple of days later he says how happy he was finally, few more days and I saw a lot of smoochie talk between them on his wall. In less than 2 weeks from meeting they were officially dating on FB. The next day he even added a picture of them kissing. In all this, I stayed calm even though I was freaking out inside. I am sure he was expecting a reaction, me being so impulsive and all, but I kept NC.

 

The thing that hurt me most (well apart from him just disappearing) is that he did all that so fast and so officially! He always hated this FB things.. when we started dating he was madly in love with me, he told all his friends and family, he always wanted me to go out with them etc,.. I got along with all so well yet we were never official on FB, because he thought it's a private thing. Same with his ex bf, they were dating 7 years but it wasn't on his FB.

 

Also, she is the complete opposite of his type. She's very young (20), he is 29 but he wasn't dating 20 year olds not even when he was 20! Me and his ex were both more mature, blonds, educated, independent... this girl is the opposite! She also just came out of a relationship (with his friend), she even tried to beg him back but he refused. From her comments she looks so immature and childish... can a man really like this??

 

Did he really got over me so fast and fell in love so fast with a complete opposite of his type? Did he really change the way he thinks and acts in a blink of an eye?? It has been NC 1 month now and 1 week he's officially with her. How do you even fall in love in 1 week. He must like her, but it's weird. Also, the attraction between us was so strong that we couln't stay away from each other so this was definitely not an issue. I'm confused please help

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My dear, this has been going on longer than the two weeks you seem to think it hatched and sprouted legs.

 

All that fighting you engaged in? They were nails you were hammering into the coffin of your relationship. By and large, most people do not like to fight; they do not want strife in their romantic relationships and you were delivering up strife and foolishness by the platter-full. That mess gets old. Incompatibility gets old after a while. He had his fill of your drama and decided the best thing to do was to go about his business and let you go on your way, too.

 

Yes, it is possible for him to fall for someone who is the complete opposite of both you and his other ex if you two resemble one another. Maybe he was drawn to someone that was nothing like the two of you and this girl seems to be the one.

 

You might want to spend this time addressing your need to fight all the time. You're going to wind up alone if you can't get a grip on that. Fighting means you can't resolve conflict and as I said, that mess gets old and no one wants to deal with it.

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Hmmm thank you for your points of view. I am always happy to hear an honest opinion. However, It usually wasn't my fault if we argued. Except this last time. Usually it was because a) he started ignoring me for no reason b) he didn't show up when we were supposed to meet (several times in a row even). We were not fighting every day, on the contrary... we have the most wonderful time... but usually after like a month of perfect dating he would ditch me. I got upset. Then he would try to fix things along with promises that it would be different this time and we would be back together again. So really, don't think it was all arguing..it was more like: all perfect -> he freaked out and ignored me for no reason -> argument -> short break -> back to perfect. But yeah, I understand this was not healthy and I tried to let it go before but when we saw each other again we were back to square one.

So fair enough, I get the point he just had enough one day. But can you really all of a sudden love this public showing of affection? For how much I know him, this kind of thing would usually embarrass him and even make him roll his eyes...

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My dear, this has been going on longer than the two weeks you seem to think it hatched and sprouted legs.

 

They definitely just met, I know for sure, I even know where and when. He even posted a song a few days later saying: I just met you but I know you will stay in my life for a long time. I only like you, and you only.. blah blah blah. I get it it's over and I will get over it.. I just don't get it, they don't have anything in common etc and we had so much and we loved each others company. Who knows...

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a) he started ignoring me for no reason b) he didn't show up when we were supposed to meet (several times in a row even).

 

These two things mean he probably had other women besides you and obviously he was not as into you as you were him. A guy who is into you and only you won't do those two things and definitely not at the beginning of the relationship. And yes, players are really, really good at making each time they are with you be amazing and perfect. It's just that when they don't need to be amazing and perfect with you they aren't, usually because they are elsewhere being amazing and perfect with someone else. Sorry, but he's a player pure and simple. And yes, they move on fast all the time. She's his shiny new object of the moment, chances are it won't last much longer than it did with you. And if he's young he'll change what he does with what each woman wants or what he thinks each woman wants.

 

The bottom line is you dodged a bullet and your arguments, while valid, should have been over the second time he stood you up. Never give a guy more than two of those before you kick them to the curb, guys who are really as into you as they say they are just don't do that. They don't disappear either, not even after arguments.

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I agree with you Parispaulette that he probably wasn't into me as I was into him.... and that I gave him more chances than he deserved. Because he was good at excuses and I guess even I was making up excuses for him because the truth would hurt too much.. Although I am sure he had no other girl when he was with me.. not to be foolish, but he works all the time and he spent almost every free minute with me, plus I live in a small town and everyone knew we were dating so the truth would have come out. But yeah, this doesn't really change the situation much. he obviously stopped caring about me before he left and it's time to admit he just used me for support/sex/good times etc but with no commitment. He was going through some tough times and I stood by his side, giving him all my love and forgot to think about myself and my needs first. I hope I learnt my lesson now..

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I agree with what others have said; continuous fighting, ignoring, etc is not healthy, nor is it normal. As for moving on so quickly, yes, it is possible. I was dumped in a text message by my ex, I met my now boyfriend 3 days after that break up and had a one nighter with another different guy less than a week after we broke up. Not that its a good thing to do, or that im proud of it or anything, but in answer to your question, yes, it is possible. My question to you is; why do you care that he has moved on so quickly? Im no trying to be harsh, quite the opposite. I simply ask you to think about it, because it will soon become obvious to you (I hope) that obsessing about him and his new girl is so counter-productive to you. He wanted to end it and walk out of your life- mate, let him walk! If he wants to turn his back on you and walk out of your life, stand there and hold the door open for him. Why? Because you deserve better than someone who ignores you, is constantly fighting with you, who doesnt look after you very well, etc. Go find someone who deserves what you have to offer, and stop thinking about your ex with this new girl. You know what hes like, Karma will chase him down, and now hes the problem of some other poor girl, who isnt you! Instead of seeing it as a negative, see it as you having dodged a bullet, and now you are free to go find someone who truly deserves you

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I hope I learnt my lesson now..

 

I think you just did, because you realize it. Always demand respect and you'll get it and yes, I've been exactly where you are. Sometimes it just takes having it happen to you to learn the lesson. Word of warning, don't take him back if he comes begging for another chance. I did make that mistake and boy was I sorry for it at the time. Seriously, if they don't treat you right the first time then don't bother giving them that second chance. Different story if you both break up for other reasons sometimes, but the guy who is inconsiderate of you from the get-go and doesn't keep their word or stands you up or disappears? Nah, they never stop it and never change.

 

Of course there's always an exception to any rule, but I am also sure someday a real unicorn will surface. Kidding of course, but not by much.

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I get what you are saying Audrey. I always thought I was a mature person... yet I find myself feeling so pathetic now. My thoughts are pathetic. He obviously didn't truly care and I should have seen it coming... But I honestly haven't. I was all confident waiting for him to be back with me that when I saw he was in a relationship it struck me like a thunder on a perfect sunny day. And sometimes I think that it just can't be happening because I KNOW better, i know HIM better, better than anyone else because he only trusted me with his deepest thoughts and fears and whatever was going on with his life. Boy was I wrong.. and that makes me feel pathetic. You are right, I don't want to be with someone like that, I know I deserve better. I think it's also a mixture of ego and pride and missing all the good times: like all the attention he was giving me, our intimacy, feeling truly desired like a woman. I know I am still desirable, I am just scared nobody will be able to replace him in that way. Again, pathetic.

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Funny you said that. Friday I went to a party of a common friend. I didn't think he would be there since he needs to work constantly over weekends. But he came by for like a couple of hours, I stayed inside while he was outside. There was a lot of people so I didn't really see him close. I handled it well I think. however, towards the end of the party, the father of the host came to me and started saying things like: he is in a new relationship now with this girl..what's her name again...yeah I saw it on FB blah blah I can see you still love him and he will be back in 3 weeks and you just shouldn't take him back blah blah. I know he won't be back, I am sure of that, rebound or not. But it still made me crush and tears just flooded down. I composed myself quickly and went away from this guy. i know he intended no harm and I was just trying to be composed and I started relaxing and dancing after my ex left... maybe alcohol didn't work in my favour, but I felt so weak and vulnerable. But yes, I know he won't be back and I don't want him back even though I am still in love and I am hoping for the unicorn to appear when I am ready

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