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6 mo post BU still daily thoughts


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so i was in contact with my ex after the BU for a while. after 6 grueling months of occasional texts and a few fwb encounters, i called her and said i wanted to be with her, and that if she didn't want to start seeing me again regularly, that i don't want to talk anymore. she said no to a date(i was nervous and sounded desperate, in hindsight i'm not surprised lol) so i said i don't want to talk anymore. that was 20 days ago. since then it's been nc, but a few days ago i get a text from her saying not to respond, not to over think it, but that i'm the best she's ever had(sexually). it doesn't bother me, and i almost replied with a 'lol' but didn't, and have kept up my nc.

 

i still think about her daily, and mull over the idea of inviting her over, and how i would feel if she said no, or if she ignored me all together. sometimes(like last night) i feel like i could do fwb just fine now, other times i feel like she doesn't deserve that from me. i've told myself that i'm going to keep nc up until my head is a bit more clear and i don't think about her every day.

 

i'm pretty sure she's seeing someone from her new job, and probably texted me that crap after sleeping with him and realizing it sucked. i'm also pretty sure that she dates people from her jobs. she's told me before that she has always dated someone from her job(i met her when we worked together). so it seems that she just dates out of convenience. in a way this is cool because a relationship would be really casual with her, at the same time i feel like this keeps the relationship from having any depth. i've had casual and it gets boring, i want depth. she did dump me a week after she got her new job, and for some reason i kept talking to her as if that would help her change her mind lol.

 

anyway for the past week or so i've considered inviting her over or telling her she can stop by for a quickie, but sometimes i feel like it would be a shame that it wouldn't be more than fwb. at the same time it feels like a shame if we're not fwb since we know how to have fun together. the longer i stay nc, the more F'd up she seems, and in a way it makes fwb seem more attractive. but from experience i've learned that she doesn't know what she wants, she thinks she does, but when she gets that thing, she realizes it's not what she wanted. that's what's keeping my mouth shut. i feel like i'll invite her over, and she'll instantly not want to because she can finally get what she couldn't have, and realizes she doesn't want it lol.

 

advice? i've been much happier and more emotionally stable lately, also more confident. i don't feel miserable anymore and am starting to feel like i have the power over my own destiny again. i would love to show that i'm happier, but i'm wary about whether this will make me feel weird again. although i feel like i would love to have a girl hold me tight, i think this is more of a dependent attachment complex rather than actual compassion. for this reason fwb sounds good in my mind, but i would hesitate to let it evolve into more, and that's keeping me from contacting her. should i just stay the course and continue nc until i'm not thinking about her daily? or just do fwb even though i feel like i wouldn't want to follow up with anything more?

 

rejection doesn't bother me, i think it would actually be more comforting to know i tried and was rejected than to not try at all.

 

also even though she told me that she loves being single on a couple of our fwb encounters, she's already seeing someone, and is contacting me about sexual stuff. i know she wants to be loved, but i guess just not by me? for a while i was incapable in fear of being hurt again, but it's slowly coming back and i feel happier and more compassionate every day. why would she send me sexual compliments while she's seeing someone else? she said not to overthink it, then why the hell send it? for her own satisfaction? lol it's like she's trying to toy with me or something without even knowing it. to date we haven't gone longer than a month without contact. i've been with so many more people than her that i realize how good we are for each other, maybe she just doesn't see that yet, but there's no way i can convince her of that. this makes nc weird, since she could just give up on me all together. but i guess she did that when she dumped me. i should probably just keep my word and move on.

 

thoughts?

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i feel like the longer i'll go nc, the more i'll revert to my funny awesome self, which is who she loves, but that shouldn't be the reason for my nc x.x my minds been occupied with this crap but at least i don't feel miserable anymore.

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  • 1 month later...

so i guess i was in denial, because rejection does bother me. i stopped smoking, started taking way better care of myself, and i ended up caving and responding to her eventually, i saw her two more times, the last time being in the beginning of this month. the last time i texted her asking to come have drinks, she declined, and i've been having a cocktail of emotions since. this getting over her bit is so long overdue that i'm afraid i did some permanent damage to my psyche. i'm extremely guarded with girls now, i feel as though i can't open myself up to them. it hasn't even been 20 days since i sent her that text and i'm feelin the pain. at least she responded but it still hurt to be rejected without a counter offer. like i said i'm taking great care of myself, working out, going out, but alone in bed at night and in the morning i miss her so damn much. i think the healthier lifestyle really opened myself up to my real emotions, and my god they're so raw.

 

i can't believe i've been stressing over this since august x.x

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Stop contacting her and cut out all the communications with her completely. She is not your gf and asking out someone who is not interested in you will make you feel worse.

 

Do not try to date at all. You are not ready.

 

I would even suggest seeing a therapist to help you talk through.through your emotions.

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