I accept that it ended but this horrible feeling of emptiness is so hard to bear

[nevertoobitter]

This is not our first break up, by the way. We've been on and off for months. This time we stopped talking like a week ago and I think this time is going to be permanent. I'm doing ok physically, as in not crying, not staying in bed, and I'm eating quite a good pile of food. It's just that I feel so empty. I feel like I'm a walking shell. It's such a horrible feeling and I have no idea how to deal with it. I feel a bit pathetic coming here to vent after just a week of not talking, but I feel like I need to talk with someone, and I can kinda guess what all my friends and family would have to say about this. So...here I am. Any thoughts will be much appreciated. Thanks.

 

I'm not sure if I'm the dumper or dumpee in this situation. I met my ex last year on vacation. Everything was unexpected and great. We decided to give it a go despite the fact that we had to go back to our home countries. We kept contact and became very intimate. He came over to meet me and we were staying together for a couple of weeks. We are very different but we feel the same in the sense that we never felt like this with anyone before. He had had countless girlfriends that he didn't take love seriously anymore. As for me, I had so little faith in love that I didn't bother dating. Then we got together and 'saw the light'. I was the insecure one and he was the one who was giving me a push. But he's also the one who is unable to accept my flaw, which I myself not sure if it is a flaw.

 

I'm not sure if I should talk about 'the flaw' here and bother you guys with details. I'll just use an analogy instead. My case is kind of like I tell him that I have had an abortion before, thinking he would be ok with it because I'm pro-choice and I assume he is too. But he turns out to be a devout catholic and he can't take it.

(Again, I haven't had an abortion, guys. It's something else but falls into the same line of reasoning, I think.)

This thing fundamentally destroyed us. He told me that by his standard he would just turn away and end everything at that moment, which would be the same for me as well. I knew from then that there was only a slim chance for us to work. I was ready to stop. He was the one who said he was going to try to get over this, for the sake of us. He stopped though, after a short while and told me he couldn't do this anymore. I accepted. Then we got into this vicious circle of NC-missing each other-start talking again-fighting-ending it again-NC..... It's been like that for six almost six months over the same issue. He usually is the one who gets angry, blames me for everything and I'm the one to console him. But when I became silent, or in the case of NC, he was always the one who reached out.

 

He always said he wanted to just turn his back on me and never talk to me again. This time I told him to stick with his words. He hasn't come back. I will not contact him and I'm praying he won't contact me. I am so tired and I don't see anyway out. I long for the old days when I didn't give crap about anybody and be by myself. I'm ready to get out of this mess. The thing is though that I feel so empty without him. I know it would do no good having him around but at the same time having to worry if the issue will come up again. I wouldn't want someone who doesn't accept all of me. I always regard myself as a confident woman and I don't need anyone. But I miss him so badly and everything seemed to be better with him around.

 

I don't think I want to be in this shaky relationship anymore. It's just that I feel so fragile and I see no end to this kind of feeling. I don't think I'll love again. I know people say this all the time but for me it's very likely. I think i'll be emotionally attached to him forever. The thought alone makes me feel powerless.

 

Thanks for listening, guys.

[kalikat]

Whatever happened in the past should stay in the past. Whatever the "thing" is that he can't/won't accept - Honestly, sweetie - that is his problem. not yours. We can't turn back time and change past actions. All we can do is accept these things and move forward. And if he feels that this Thing is not acceptable to him - then he is not the one for you. I believe 100% that to really love someone, you must love the crust as much as you do the rest of that person, or it will never work.

 

Each and every relationship is different. Yes , he made you feel a certain way, and yes, you may not ever feel that way again.

BUT you will most likely find someone that makes you feel better than this guy ever did. Cuz it seems like in his eyes you have a "flaw". In someone else's eyes - you are perfect just the way you are

[nevertoobitter]

Thank you very much for your kind words, Khalikat. This means a lot.

 

I've been trying to tell myself that I've done my best. I've never been so kind, forgiving and patient to anyone my entire life.

I have to accept that if that's not enough for him, all I can do is to let go. Sometimes it's easy, but sometimes it hurts like hell , so much that I think I'll never be able to heal. I hope one day I will be okay again.