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Friend in love with me and wants to see me... do I???


misssmithviii

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Long story short, one of my closest friends from high school is still a great friend of mine, however he has made it known the past few years that he's always considered me his "ideal" woman. There have been times I've had to shut him down in rather cruelly blunt ways to be honest, just so that he stops pouring his heart out to me about how much he loves me and idolizes me. It makes me uncomfortable because I view him solely as a friend. He has this horrid defensive mechanism in which he talks himself up to be so charming and handsome when really, I find him to be none of these things at all so I have to find ways to tactfully, carefully not agree so as to not get his hopes up.

 

He hasn't been in a relationship for, I'd say about 3 to 5 years now and just the other day he met a wonderful woman who showed interest in him. The problem arose immediately when she shut him down because of her religious beliefs and claimed he was "too much of a temptation" to go against her beliefs. He took this rather hard and almost instantaneously reached out to me to talk to. I listened, I was courteous, of course, and then he asked to hang out again very soon.

 

I become uncomfortable around him when I have to balance my care and platonic love for him with a very firm "no" when it comes to anything romantic and I feel like he may be running to me for something I can't give him... a certain type of romantic comfort and reassurance that I can't honestly provide. I can't reassure him that he's likable because he's the most self-pitying person I know. I can't tell him that he's handsome because I'm a very health conscious person and nearly 300lbs is not something I find attractive. I can't tell him he'll find somebody else because he's jobless in his mid-twenties and rarely if ever does a thing outside the house.

 

I feel like being his friend when he's vulnerable like this could very well just hurt him more since I'm a terrible liar. He does this thing where he talks himself up to be amazing and then stares at me for approval, waiting for me to agree and I just... I can't. I feel like a bad friend, but I truly feel I will be doing more harm than good if I am the shoulder he cries on while he endures rejection. Because goodness knows he'll try and gain some comfort from me, somebody he loves in a romantic way, but I can't reciprocate. I recall him saying once that he wishes he didn't look the way he did because maybe somebody I would feel the same way about him, but it's obviously more than that. I'm just not in love with him like he is with me.

 

Should I see him? Am I a bad friend for wanting not to support him during this hard time?

There was a time I stopped speaking to him for months because I couldn't handle his constant nagging of how much he loves me and wants to be with me. If I don't see him during this time, what do I say? How do I manage this?

 

Thank you in advance...

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Should I mention he also has some serious psychiatric issues, shuns every therapist he's had when they try and give him advice to better himself, and has severe suicidal tendencies? I wouldn't say I remain friends with him out of fear for hurting himself... at least I wouldn't say that's the sole reason. He's always been an amazing friend since high school, but I am beginning to believe he holds onto some twisted hope I'll love him the way he loves me as long as he stays in my life long enough... This truly is harder than I imagined, I care for him so much, how do I break this to him then? Should I be honest and say that I feel that through this hardship I think he should reach out to somebody he doesn't harbor romantic feelings for? Or should I just walk away, nothing said?

 

Btw, I love your signature SpottiOtti... my father is named after him

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This guy needs to fix himself, and until he does he will suck the life out of you. The problem with people who don't face their own issues, and rely on others to make them feel good about themselves, is that they end up friendless...unless of course there is a kind person like yourself willing to spare the time.

 

My advice is get away from him. You don't have to be blunt or cruel if you just don't make yourself available. If he calls, don't answer the phone. If you bump into him by chance, wave and keep walking. NEVER ask people like this "nice to see you, how are you doing?" because you will be trapped as they give you an inventory of problems. Then to top it off, nagging you about wanting a relationship. He's not worth it.

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You may have to end the friendship, but before you do that - would it be worthwhile explaining to him that some of his comments make you feel uncomfortable? Clearly he doesn't actually believe he's handsome because he's told you himself that if he didn't look the way he did things would be different. Perhaps you could tell him that the comments which suggest he wants a romantic connection etc make you feel uncomfortable and if those don't stop you have to put a break on the friendship for a while?

 

Sorry, that does sound like a tough situation.

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I agree completely... he definitely does need to fix himself. He'll go on random two month bouts of "trying" but then when he doesn't get immediate approval he sinks back into his self-pity party... It is, draining. I just have difficulty feeling like I'll be abandoning him, I would feel guilty. I guess that's something I have to live with then?

 

To answer the question - yes, the months we went without talking were when I had had enough and basically let it all out. I told him he makes me uncomfortable, he makes me feel obligated and that I don't enjoy his company when he's trying so desperately, so pathetically trying to woo me after all these years.

 

He responded with remorse, saying he never meant to make me feel that way but that his love was so strong he felt it would be criminal if he didn't express it. He gets super wordy... it's a wonderful trait of his to be eloquent but it falls on deaf ears when he's not the person that I accept love from.

 

I told him a couple months ago I felt his comments were disrespectful to my boyfriend and he responded with something like "I loved you first" or whatever... to which I ignored him until he apologized.

 

He hasn't messed up since, but I feel like when he's vulnerable like this, my rejection will only hurt him more so you're right. I will avoid him... Should I reiterate why or just avoid him altogether?

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If you feel uncomfortable rejecting him, no matter how kindly, you need support in handling your own painful feelings. You are not responsible for his mental health problems, and it sounds as though he's strenuously resisted help in gaining a handle on them himself.

 

You risk being manipulated into a situation not of your own choosing and having someone else's hangups thrust on you. Put the responsibility right back where it belongs - with him!

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You are not being a good friend to him, you are being an enabler. For as long as he can hang his love and hopes on you and you keep sticking around, he has no incentive to do a darn thing with his life because he can just feed on that hope that someday you'll come around and love him as he is or maybe he is even more delusional and thinks that you just need to get your kicks out before you see what's right for you and settle down with him.

 

Bottom line is that the day a guy professes his love and feelings for you, he is no longer your friend. To try and continue any kind of "friendship" with him is actually cruel on your part because every contact raises his hopes. You really need to be kind enough to either drop the friendship or distance yourself long enough to where he no longer has feelings for you like that.

 

In this case, I would just get very busy and fade out on him over time. Given his issues, you don't want to deal with suicidal threats and hysteria if you just cut him off bluntly.

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> I couldn't handle his constant nagging of how much he loves me and wants to be with me.

 

He does not understand/accept boundaries and is holding out false hopes. So really, the best thing you could do for him as a friend is to NOT tolerate any more of this nagging and whining at all. And you have to do the hard thing, which is overcome trying to be 'nice' and instead do what is RIGHT by him and what will help him in the long run.

 

So you start out by sitting him down, and telling him about your concerns. You want him to understand that you are only friends, and that is all you will ever be, and that you already know you will never change your mind. The romantic spark just isn't there for you, so he needs to stop wasting his time and look elsewhere, and it makes you uncomfortable that he keeps hitting on you when you've told him before that it isn't going to happen. That you value his friendship, but that is all it will ever be...

 

Then you tell him that it is time for him to stop having that idea, and if he brings it up again, then you're going to have to stop being his friend because it is uncomfortable for you, and unhealthy for him because he needs to be out looking for other women to date and not spending so much time with you or having any expectations of you. And if he does bring it up again, then you let him live with the consquences, which is you cutting him off.

 

I know that it hard and awkward for you, but it is the kindest thing to do, to get him to stop wasting his time and effort on you. And he needs to respect that clear boundary and move on. And if he can't, then it is up to you to break off the friendship and go no contact so that he can move on and find himself a women who is interested.

 

And perhaps he does need someone to be honest with him to help him. If he is mentally ill, then he needs to be referred to a counselor rather than crying in the lap of some girl he has a crush on. That isn't healthy for him, and a counselor will be. So if he clings to you too much, you should suggest he needs counseling. You can also give him dating advice by saying that dating is very competitive, and if he wants to increase his chances of meeting new women, he should start exercising because women love men with muscles. And he needs to be encourages to go back to school/get training so he can get a good job rather than living at home, because it is easier to date when you're on your own and have your own place.

 

You can do all of these things to help him rather than avoiding really helping and just patting him on the hand and letting him continue to fantasize about you. You really need to nip that in the bud and not tolerate one iota of that fantasizing that you'll be his girl if he hangs around long enough, and make it clear to him if he continues, you'll drop him as a friend because it is not healthy.

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He's not your friend. He pretends to be because he thinks that will get him what he wants, which is a romantic relationship with you. It's incredibly disrespectful to your boyfriend and your relationship to have any conagt wih him, unless of course you are not exclusively dating your boyfriend.

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