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need advice..i messed up


jamiemac

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i am a foreigner living in thailand.met a girl few months ago,we started off as friends and i fell in love with her.she was quite apprehensive at the beginning even to talk to me because i am a foreigner.

heres some background.the girl is immensely rich,and she was married once.she and her husband met with an accident in whish the husband died.shes still in love with him.and its been once year and still shes not ready for a relation and she keeps her heart closed.the guy was from a poor family and after his death his family started troubling her family for money and so much of that sort has happened in her life and she doesnt want to have another man in her life.

so this is the situation where i made my entry.we were friends to begin with and then i fell in love.and i told her .thats when she told me this story,but i said i will wait till shes ready for a relationship

we chat all day and talk everynight just before going to bed.and we chat on skype too just before making the call

things were really progressing well ,she even had her status updats on skype as "i know oneday i will fall in love with u".

we were talking about marriage and future plans even though she maintained that shes not in love with me yet and is not ready yet.

then we met 2 days back on a lunch and movie dat.everything was fine.we had so much fun and then she returned home and that night she called me and said she dont think shes ready and that shes still in love with her late husband and will never have another man in her life.

thats where i messed up.i persisted that i will wait and i knew that someday she will open her heart for me.she got upset and made me promise that i will always be just friends for her and that i will never talk to her again about marriage and love.and at that point in the scare of losing her , i made that promise

so this is what its about.

does anyone think i still have a chance or advice as to how i should take this forward?

she maintains that she will never fall in love with another man,particularly a friend,as friends are supposed to be friends forever

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thanks ND,

she contacts me already,we still chat and talk at night..how do i go about the NC?bcos she chats with me on LINE app..so it will be obvious to her that i have read her msgs and is not replying..not picking up calls could work ,bcos i can claim later that i was out..but how about NC on chat?

 

i was thinking about carrying this on for a few more weeks so she forgets the latest conversation and becomes comfortable again and get used to talking to me every night so i can carve out a space for me in her life,and then go NC all off sudden.what do u think?

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I personally think you should just accept in your head that this lady is grieving and may well be for a long time ....she will be dealing with gut wrenching guilt , reminders of the past , her loyalty will be this big controversial subject in her head right now .

 

you went out ..she got home and she was riddled with guilt , this is not someone you should be making any attempt to get with ..

 

then she says

 

she maintains that she will never fall in love with another man,particularly a friend,as friends are supposed to be friends forever

 

respect her words , listen to what she is saying and stop trying to find a plan that will have her wanting you ...

 

I don't think you ruined it , there was nothing to ruin ...before you started pushing saying you will wait etc she still didn't want to date you .. and she is trying to tell you that .

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Just tell her that you understand that she can't continue the relationship, and you can't either if that's how she feels. And with that in mind, please don't contact you anymore unless she's serious about a relationship with you, and until that time, you wish her the best but you will not be responding to her anymore.

 

Then delete her from your online services, don't answer her calls/texts/IMs, and don't contact her.

 

She won't like it, but you don't like being treated like this, so you're even.

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I personally think you should just accept in your head that this lady is grieving and may well be for a long time ....she will be dealing with gut wrenching guilt , reminders of the past , her loyalty will be this big controversial subject in her head right now .

 

you went out ..she got home and she was riddled with guilt , this is not someone you should be making any attempt to get with ..

 

.

 

i perfectly understand ur point.and i understand i messed it up bcos i was too fast and too pushy.but i still want to wait because i love her.i hope with more time she could open up a bit more.

 

before you started pushing saying you will wait etc she still didn't want to date you .. and she is trying to tell you that .

 

but for last 2 weeks we were talking about marriage and love and kids and she even updated her status as "i know one one day i will fall in love with u"

i mentioned it and she said it was for me.

 

and even today she says she wants to go out with me on next friday,which coincidently happens to be valentines day too,though i guess its not much important in thailand.we have planned a shopping and movie and dinner on friday.

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i know i sound quite defensive,but all i want to know is if it will be any good if i am her friend now and i still keep waiting.

and the NC part was just to give her a chance to miss me..now i am too available and always around when she wants to talk?wouldnt she be able to asses her heart better if i was scarce?

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but for last 2 weeks we were talking about marriage and love and kids and she even updated her status as "i know one one day i will fall in love with u"

i mentioned it and she said it was for me.

 

and even today she says she wants to go out with me on next friday,which coincidently happens to be valentines day too,though i guess its not much important in thailand.we have planned a shopping and movie and dinner on friday.

 

sorry I must of missed that ...it's ok you wasnt being defensive , you are getting a hell of a lot of mixed messages .

I think now I have seen the bits I missed it does appear that she enjoys your company very much ..but wants to stop there ...at just your company . All the talk she did then clearly made her panick and try and backtrack out of it by then telling you the friendship bit .

 

There is a huge danger of you hanging around , totally loved up , hoping and waiting and she never budges out of the friendzone .

 

At the end of the day I really wouldn't like to advise either way what you do because to tell you to carry on and wait this out to see if this develops could be setting you up for such heartache . There is also a possibilty that you are her stepping stone to move on with life .

 

You have the facts and that facts right now are ...she enjoys you , she wants to see you and spend time with you , but is telling you it is only friends and friendships should stay that way. So if you pursue this and decide to wait it out you have to do it knowing the facts .

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i know i sound quite defensive,but all i want to know is if it will be any good if i am her friend now and i still keep waiting.

and the NC part was just to give her a chance to miss me..now i am too available and always around when she wants to talk?wouldnt she be able to asses her heart better if i was scarce?

 

 

I don't know if this applies when the person is grieving ..it has only been a year , what is going on in her head is a conflict , not just unsure if she wants you or not ..

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thank you shooting star,

i personally have a similar background,though my gf isnt dead.

she just left me for another guy after 12 years of relationship with me ,while i was away in thailand starting up my business.i felt a similar feeling like she was dead,though i understand similar cannot be compared to 'real"

i took 2 years to recover and this is only the second time in my life that i have fallen in love..

dont you think its worth a try to wait,because i really want to..knowing all the facts and understanding prefectly that nothing could come of my wait possibly and i could get hurt later

i still want to wait,and i dont want to give up with up without trying. the obvious result of me not trying would be to lose her, if i try atleast i have a 1% chance?

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sorry again.i feel embarassed a bit to keep updating,but i am just updating as and when i remember..ofcourse i can only see the positive side.

she updates me all day about what shes doing at that time..its like,she messaegs me that shes having lunch,or shes doing her home work.shes driving to university etc..and she laughs about it too,she says "i dont know why i keep telling u everything when i do it".

and she says she want to go travelling with me when she have time.

u know everything gives me hope,,probably i am a bit stupid in lobe..hehe

by the way ,i am 35 and shes just 23

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the age difference wouldn't normally make me wonder , but on this occasion I hope for you she is not just leaning on the "older " man for comfort.

 

I just keep droaning on about all the negative stuff ,sorry ...because I think this

 

dont you think its worth a try to wait,because i really want to..knowing all the facts and understanding prefectly that nothing could come of my wait possibly and i could get hurt later

i still want to wait,

 

says it all ..I think deep down you will do this anyway , and that's ok , there are no rules , you are not doing anything wrong ...you have the facts and you still want to go ahead .

I can relate also , we have no right I guess saying losing someone we love is like a death , but it is isn't it and the healing and time feel like that as well .

 

I hope this all turns out wonderful for you I really do .

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She is not going to forget the conversation where she said "never speak to me of marriage again".

She does not have romantic feelings for you. And they will not miracluosly appear.

 

You are wanting to play games with her. And I suspect part of your desire is to get at her money and she has seen through this.

 

thanks ND,

she contacts me already,we still chat and talk at night..how do i go about the NC?bcos she chats with me on LINE app..so it will be obvious to her that i have read her msgs and is not replying..not picking up calls could work ,bcos i can claim later that i was out..but how about NC on chat?

 

i was thinking about carrying this on for a few more weeks so she forgets the latest conversation and becomes comfortable again and get used to talking to me every night so i can carve out a space for me in her life,and then go NC all off sudden.what do u think?

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