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Is this normal?


strawberry

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Hey ya'll.....

What do you think about this......been with my boyfriend for a year. He is 23 Im 30, hes very mature for his age-just entered AA 6 months ago and has been clean ever since. Has a stable job and is a well rounded responsible guy. He said something the other day that idk if I should be bothered by but it didnt sit well with me for some reason.....he said "were in that weird phase where you are in love with someone and things are going really well but you're still not sure you'll be with that person forever." Granted we've only been together for a year but we're just about to get a new apartment and a dog together. He said hes so in love with me but it takes more than a year to know if someone is the love of your life. I dont know it thats true. Is it?

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It's definitely true that some people (I don't know if it' many, most, a few, etc - but some - and a lot of people that I personally know) need more than a year to know if someone is the person for you forever.

 

We find out new things about each other all the time - at some point, we arbitrarily decide we know "enough" to make a commitment. That point is different for everyone and there's no right or wrong about it. I'm sure how risk-averse a person is; how much they fear losing their partner; how they've seen other relationships work out; how much they want the marriage commitment in general; etc - are all factors (and there are many other factors) which contribute.

 

You just have to decide if there's a point where you don't want to be in a relationship without a forever commitment - and when that point is for you. It's a really hard decision to make - hopefully - you won't ever have to think about it and your partner will know within a couple of years.

 

At 23 - you're also changing a lot as a person - at a faster rate than he's going to be changing at 30. That might be something else he's considering.

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I think there's some truth to the fact that it takes time to get to know someone, yes. A year is reasonable.

 

However, if he feels that way, why is he agreeing to getting an apartment and a dog?

 

They just don't see that as the same kind of commitment as marriage (as I roll my eyes). That's why - personally - I'd never live with someone - I DO see it as a very similar commitment - so not for me personally, unless both parties are equally committed.

 

I hate saying "they" - it's so sexist, I know. But ... some partners in a relationship don't view moving in together and getting fur babies as anywhere near the same thing as getting married.

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I hate saying "they" - it's so sexist, I know. But ... some partners in a relationship don't view moving in together and getting fur babies as anywhere near the same thing as getting married.

 

Sometimes moving in together is just a convenience thing. I lived with my Ex for 3 of the 4 years we dated. After college I was done with roommates and wanted more privacy than living at home afforded. I was in my early 20s.

 

Now that I'm older, I'm at the stage of my life where I don't want to play house. I don't want to live with someone without assessing whether we have a future. Breaking up when you live with someone is messy, but if you are the type of person who "lives in the moment" or "only worries about today" than it's not something you consider when moving in together. Or, if like me when I was younger, if the short term benefits outweigh complications in the future, then moving in without knowing if your "partner is the one" can happen.

 

OP, I don't know what camp your boyfriend falls into, but at 23 I think it's actually rather self aware that he admits that he isn't quite thinking of "forever" yet. That does show maturity, although it may be unsettling for you to hear. But so many guys profess their love quickly and talking about baby names, the whole nine -- and before you know it they're either out the door or pull back citing that they're "unsure".

 

For what it's worth, I don't think it's odd at all that a year in someone isn't sure whether marriage is in the cards. Especially when they're 23. At 30+ years the time scale in which someone is "sure" grows much shorter because with experience you become better at knowing what you want from a partner.

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He said hes so in love with me but it takes more than a year to know if someone is the love of your life. I dont know it thats true. Is it?

 

I mean, there are people who i have known my entire life, i still don't know all their secrets. People aren't like books, they protect themselves and sometimes in protecting they are often hiding things from those around them. Maybe he just feels like he doesn't know you as well as he would like to. I have known many of my friends for a long time 7+ years and i still find out new and interesting things about them everyday. One of my friends admitted to me that his penis has a slight curve in it, well i wouldn't say that i needed to know that, but it just goes to show that you will never really know a person even after all the time you spent with them.

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You've been dating a year, and now you're taking the next step and moving in together. I think that all sounds reasonable. Your boyfriend is being a realist - I think a year is way too soon to be calling someone the love of your life and proposing or whatnot. I think what he said sounds reasonable. If all goes well for another year after you move in together and he's still being this cautious though, I'd probably wonder.

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