I am just done. I Wish I took my life when I had the chance to.

[meh355]

I really should have. I am done with fighting depression. I really dont know what to say so I will just give a little back story. I am 18 and almost out of high school. Unfortunately this year is my worst year, the only girlfriend I will ever have broke up with me and one of my "best friends" ruined every chance I had of getting back to her.

 

Last year would have been the perfect time to end my life since I lived next to the water. Everyday I would walk down to the beach and just stand at the edge of the water and stare out. Each day I would get closer and closer to swimming out to where I would not be able to swim back but I never did for some reason. I wasn't scared I just did not do it. I wish I did. At some point before I decided that I would actually do it I met who I thought was going to be the love of my life. I talked to her about my depression and everything and how she was making me feel better. We had everything planed for our future including where we wanted to move to, what we wanted our wedding to be like and how many kids we wanted just to name a few things.

 

I was even going to propose to her at the end of our senior year but she ended the relationship before the end of the 1st month of the new school year. And things have been getting worse. I regret not taking my life when I had the chance to because I just want to die even more now that she is gone. I nearly failed my first semester of school because of depression, I am not sure what I want to do in the future anymore so I am going to drop my college application for a while, I am just done with everything. I miss her and I would give anything to have her back, but I can't. Now I have to deal with knowing what she will be doing in bed with other guys and everything, and unfortunately I was never able to see her because it was long distance. And now that I moved I am not close to the water anymore. So to sum it all up, I am done with life, I dont know what to do any more and I really wish I did not meet her because she stopped me from committing suicide and now that she is gone I just want to kill myself even more. Why don't I? Because I don't like physical pain, I know drowning isn't the most peaceful death but its better than slicing my wrists open or anything else.

 

I don't have a car so I cant use the carbon monoxide poisoning without putting any one else in danger. So now because of some messed up reason I am still alive even though I don't want to be. And since she is gone I don't have any motivation or ambition. I really don't know what to do now.

[SooSad33]

Hi Meh,

 

You're depression is about yourself. And sadly, she nor anyone can 'take it away' for you. Yes, you may have 'felt better', with her in your life, but in time, thing's would have slid down into place again- to where you'd feel the depression again.

 

So, I feel, what you NEED is some professional help now. You need to see a therapist and get this on the go. To understand how to work with it, accept it and how to manage yourself with it.

 

I have had depression now for over 20 yrs. BUT I'm still here...

I have been abused.. neglected...cheated on.. you name it. But, I go on. I will and I must.

We 'can' come to learn how to keep working with it. We do not need to think 'end it' as a reason for anything.

 

I do understand how 'low' you feel. I am dealing with it all too, here.

If you have FB, why dont you go join one of the pages they have on there on 'Depression', Post traumatic stress disorder, etc.

 

Also, I highly suggest you go see your doctor for some help. Serious help with your depression.

Do NOT expect anyone like a gf to 'take it away' for you because that is not possible. You need to deal with this yourself. You need to 'want' some help and go for it.. okay.

 

Life is NOT always so bad, we do and will have our good days & moments. Just losing someone we cared so much for CAN add to the 'low'... so, no, that does not help.

 

Anyways.. just wanted you to know you are NOT alone here. I have it too.. and I understand how it feels.

 

Take care... please look into getting some help with it.

[Circe]

I agree that it's really important to get some professional help. If you have a supportive family - you can talk to them about how you're feeling and arranging to see a psychologist. You may have to see a few before you find one that you're really comfortable with (i.e., if you don't connect with the first - don't give up on it - psychs are all very different from each other).

 

It's really good that you recognize that depression is the cause of your feelings/desire to want to end your life. Remember that depression does lift. A lot of people experience it at one or more points in their life (honestly, a lot of people do - you are not at all alone) - and it does lift. It really does. And when it lifts - boy will you be glad you didn't walk into the ocean when you were 18.

I know you feel like it won't lift. You might even feel like you don't care whether it lifts or not. But try and know - there will be a time in your life - probably not even that far in the future - where things will change hugely and you will feel happy and interested - and enthusiastic about stuff again. It's worth hanging on for that.

 

For now - it's really important to get some help - so someone with experience can help guide you through to that point. There is no shame in that. See a counselor if that's all you have access to. If you are better funded - see a clinical psych. They have something like 8 years in training alone to help them guide people with depression through the illness.

 

Your body gets sick sometimes right? You get the flu? You get a broken leg? Our mind gets unwell too at times. That's what depression is. The mind not doing it's job the way it normally does. It will get better - a professional can help you get better. It CAN involve drugs but doesn't have to involve drugs. You have lots of choices.

 

Keep safe.

[junebug123]

Depression comes in waves, you got to just ride this one out. I think they say that when your up your up and when your down your down, but when your rock bottom there is no where to go but up. Take a break from life, i am sure that once you have calmed down and thought things properly, you will realize that maybe taking your life over some girl would have been one of your worse decisions.

[meh355]

I forgot to mention this but yes, I am considering going to see a psychiatrist to get checked for depression and just to be safe anything else that might be affecting me. Unfortunetly though that will force me to drop my college application and re-apply at a later time because I doubt I will be able to afford school fees, the ferry fee for everyday,

[Circe]

Don't worry about re-applying at a later time. It's best to take a bit of time and apply when you are feeling better and at a time when the financial strain isn't too much. A little bit of extra time to finish College is nothing at all.

 

I'm really glad you're going to see someone. During the process - don't ever allow yourself to believe that You are abnormal in any way. The way you are presently feeling and thinking may be abnormal and thus something to be worked on and something you come out of (with help - Most people come out of it soon, but as Delacrank said, a lot of people actually just come out of it with time even without help) ... but You are not abnormal. Because I'm willing to bet the Majority of us have an issue with depression, or anxiety - or something like that at some point in our lives. If you feel like You are abnormal - it can be harder to get better. And I just say that from personal experience.

[chitown9]

Sweetie, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It would be a shame to end your life because at 18 your life is just beginning. What you really want is to stop the pain, and ending your life is a drastic way to do it. I am glad that you are seeking help because there is beauty in the world; you just cannot see it right now. So hang in there and look toward a brighter future because there is one if you stive for it. Please keep us informed as to how you are doing. There are many caring people on this site.... chi

[meh355]

I will. I dont mind re-applying later for college because right now I am not 100% sure what I want to do. I want to be a guitarist in a metal band but I need a back up job while I am working on a career that might not work out. So while I am looking for colleges I have decided to join the military while I am still sorting out everything. After seeing a psychiatrist of course. One of my biggest fears in life is to end up alone. I know I am 18 but still, thats one of the biggest reasons why I am depressed. I think anyway.

[Circe]

That's more than understandable - I used to worry about ending up alone too - and even though I knew that almost everyone eventually shacks up with someone - I still worried about whether I would. College is a great place to meet girls - and girls love a guy in uniform so you'll have the edge! And gosh did you say a band player too? Jeez - they'll be lining up for you - esp once you get your confidence back. And I hear being in the military can be good for that.

 

I also think taking some time to think about what you really want to do in college is a great idea. I hated what I did the first time so went back to College when 28 to retrain. If I have kids I will certainly advise them to take some time out after high school and not rush straight into any particular course in college.

 

I have a feeling things are going to work out good for you.

[meh355]

I hope things work out.

[chitown9]

I hope things work out.

 

They will, I promise you. chi

[meh355]

I hope so since nothing this year has gone how I wanted it to. Like I said, my girlfriend broke up with me and I was going to propose to her at the end of the school year but she broke up with me, I had a very close call with not graduating and now I have to change around my future planes a bit like joining the military while I figure out what I want to do while I am working at being a lead guitarist for a metal band. So hopefully things will work out.

[chitown9]

I think joining the military is an excellent idea. I know of many young people who have done so and learned a trade that benefited them greatly once they returned to civilian life. I wish that I had thought of that idea when I was your age. What branch of the service are you considering?? chi

[meh355]

I am thinking about either the Navy or Army.