Boyfriend grabbed me - Am I overreacting?

[pinkfluttershy]

Basically, my boyfriend was sitting at his computer in his office. (I'm 18, he is 20 and we live together) It is 3am, and I went in to ask him if he would come to bed. He was talking to a girl on Skype (old online friend) via text about legal issues to do with someone who was giving him abuse online and threatening to sue him over use of an image.

I looked over at his tabs on his other monitor and saw a poster for a video game. I clicked on it with his mouse to have a look then went back on the tab he was on. He threw my hand off of the mouse and asked what I was doing. I was confused and asked why he was panicking like that and he replied "you're looking through my computer?" (!?) I currently have PMS, so I got suspicious and asked why he was so paranoid, and asked to see his history. He said no way and that it was hypocritical for me to ask, as when he was looking through my phone before I insisted on having it back. Having pms and getting overly mad, I reached to turn off his computer, which is when he grabbed hard at my upper arm, giving me bright red marks and potential bruising. I was shocked and said "Okay, that's abuse" then walked out to the next room. I went back a few minutes later and showed him my arm. He got mad, telling me to never say that he abuses me because he isn't like that. (He got very angry and cursed a lot.) He didn't apologise until I asked him to and also said "it is your own fault, I was doing important stuff on my computer and you went to switch it off." I explained to him that he can't treat me like that no matter what I do and he said "Fine, I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry for that but it wasn't my fault it was yours."

 

Am I the bad guy here? Only asking because I get pretty dramatic and angry when I get pms and I'm worried that I was wrong to call him out on abuse when it was just a reaction, especially when I may have deserved it. It still hurts and looks kind of bad but he only grabbed me to stop doing something. And no, he isn't the type to give out apologies so that ^ will be the best I get.

 

Advice?

[Moontiger]

DTMFA.

 

If you don't know what this stands for, google it.

[agent1607307371]

Run.

 

He gets angry, he grabs you hard enough to leave marks, he doesn't take responsibility for his actions, and blames you.

 

Get away.

 

He's saying "he's not like that", you have th bruises to prove otherwise.

[Seraphim]

Ok he has no right to put his hands on you. However PMS is NOT an excuse to troll through someone's pc and be suspicious .

[Circe]

Noone should physically hurt anyone for any reason other than self-protection.

 

However - you were not right in asking to see his history. Just because someone doesn't want you to snoop through their stuff doesn't mean they have something to hide. It's insulting what you asked him to do. He is right in saying it was also hypocritical of you, in the circumstances. You absolutely should not have tried to turn off his computer. That was incredibly immature and childish - as he said, he could have lost really important work.

 

It's NOT an excuse to say you had PMS. I know you know that the things you did were not right at all. PMS can cause hormonal changes that make it hard to manage our emotions but it's still our responsibility to manage them - just like it's HIS responsibility to manage his emotions to the point where he doesn't hurt you physically - even though you're acting like a seriously immature and annoying person at a time when he's already clearly stressed about the legal issues.

 

I think he should apologise - without the reservation of "but it was your fault" for grabbing your arm and reflect hard on how he needs to manage his emotions no matter what - and if he can't manage them with you - then he should end the relationship.

 

I think You should apologise without the reservations of "but I was PMSing" or "but you did X".

[agent1607307371]

If someone threw my hand off the mouse and started getting weird about my using the machine, I'd go on alert too.

[pinkfluttershy]

I've been with him for over two years now and this is the first time he has done something this severe (physically). I understand why he did it, and I was totally out of order myself. I shouldn't have tried to look at a tab without asking, really. Thank you for your response.

[ParisPaulette]

Agree with the others, agent in particular. And why was he being so weird about it all? He was hiding something, and what exactly is the image he was using that someone was threatening to sue him over??? That doesn't typically happen unless you've crossed a serious line--i.e. copyright infringement or other use of images that can harm someone's career or livelihood.

 

I think your boyfriend is involved in something shady and when you stumbled on to it he became abusive. And yes, grabbing you hard enough to leave marks on your skin is abusive and apologies made, because you insist they be made aren't really apologies. You should just end things now before he becomes more abusive or you find yourself tangled up in his dirty dealings.

[pinkfluttershy]

Thank you for your in-depth response. I agree that I was childish, I do genuinely find that very difficult to control when I get PMS because my emotions are extremely heightened. I will apologise. I wish he would apologise but I'm not sure that he will claim responsibility for that, when I'm not even sure he was in the wrong. I feel it may have been my fault, as he said.

[Mesemene]

I've been with him for over two years now and this is the first time he has done something this severe (physically). I understand why he did it, and I was totally out of order myself. I shouldn't have tried to look at a tab without asking, really. Thank you for your response.

 

Red Flag - "This severe." That says there have been prior issues, just not ones that left evidence. Doesn't make physical grabbing/pushing/slapping etc acceptable, regardless of provocation (unless, of course, you're physically threatening him and have the capability to do real damage to him.)

 

I'd also wonder if he wanted to go through your phone. TBH - the first "sign" my ex husband had cheated was jealousy - unreasoning and illogical.

 

Sounds like both of you need to do some maturing, not unexpected at your ages - but - sounds like he could easily tip over the line into accepting himself in an abusive role, and should get some anger management help to learn more constructive solutions.

[pinkfluttershy]

It was just a logo someone made for his website. This person no longer likes him and said he is going to she him for copyright, although he has proof of him making it for him. But yeah, it did make me very nervous that he was so panicky but he was already stressed out with the situation he was in, I probably just walked in at a bad time. Thank you for your response.

[pinkfluttershy]

Yeah, that would always be my reaction to that, PMS or not.

[Circe]

I really don't think it was abuse - pinkfluttershy has to think about what she means by "this severe" - I don't think it means there were issues that indicate abuse in the past. Only she knows what that means.

 

Also - I have to wonder - on this occasion - was he actually trying to hurt pinkfluttershy or was he trying to defend the computer (ie stop it from being switched off and losing all his work) and did he grab her too hard by doing so because he was so stressed about the computer not being turned off. If so - that's a bad accident.

 

Was he actually being abusive on that incident or was it an accident? I'm sure pinkfluttershy has a good idea in her mind what it is - the rest of us really couldn't know.

 

EDIT: NOT to say that's it's ok to grab someone for any reason - but lets face it - it can be a reflexive move that we don't even think about if someone's about to destroy our property - physical or intellectual property.

 

The important thing is not to get into the situation in the first place - where someone is trying to defend their stuff from the person they are supposed to have a loving trusting relationship with. Then we wouldn't have to worry about whether reflexively grabbing an arm to stop it from turning off a computer is abuse or not.

 

In saying all this - I am assuming - that this was a once off - and he really didn't intend to hurt you. If that's wrong it's a whole different story.

[pinkfluttershy]

Thank you for your reply, I will keep it in mind.

[Seraphim]

Then you either trust him or you don't . Either way his putting his hands on you was wrong. You need to seriously reevaluate this relationship.

 

You have to become more secure in yourself and if you can not control how hormones make you act maybe a visit to the dr is in order.

[Bergk]

Personally, if I physically hurt my partner under any circumstance I would do everything to apologise and feel absolutely terrible. Secondly, it does not sound that there is much trust in the relationship - considering how eager you seemed to want to snoop around him; and how you also mentioned that he was previously checking your phone? It does not seem healthy. It's still important to respect each others privacy and space.

[pinkfluttershy]

I do trust him, I believe that he has nothing to hide and that he was just stressed out. I feel like I'm the problem here, I shouldn't have gone fiddling with his things without asking. I have asked about PMS with a doctor, they only suggested Evening Primrose. I guess I should start tasking that religiously. Thank you.

[ParisPaulette]

If the person threatening to sue him was hired to create the logo then there is no copyright infringement and the guy is being a dumb***. Hopefully your BF has records showing he hired the guy and/or paid him money to do so with a check or other bank account information or invoices, emails etc. Regardless though you do seem to indicate there have been other instances of tempers flaring, this is just the first time a physical mark is left. It's still more than a little concerning. I think it's time for a serious look at the relationship in general.

[HeartGoesOn]

I've been with him for over two years now and this is the first time he has done something this severe (physically). I understand why he did it, and I was totally out of order myself. I shouldn't have tried to look at a tab without asking, really. Thank you for your response.

 

The "first time" is never the last time when it comes to physical abuse. Also, you're way off base by saying "you understand why he did it," as no one has the right to physically abuse you due to anger issues, etc.

[pinkfluttershy]

Just to clarify: he hasn't physically abused me before, I'm sorry for wording that badly. I just meant bad things happened within the relationship before, feelings being hurt etc. As I said though, I would like a genuine apology but not sure I can get one. I don't ask to see his things on a regular basis. I've gone through his history on one occasion when I had reason to and I also have went through his phone with innocent intentions a couple of times. This is all over the course of two years. I only asked to see the history due to the hand grabbing. I was only looking at a minecraft poster, after all but yes it was a bit intrusive of me all the same. Thank you for the response.

[lerenard]

I was 18 when my ex was abusive with me for the first time. It wasn't the last one, and it never is, believe me. A guy that allows himself to do this to his girl HAS that in him, and sooner or later it will come out.

And I assure you he hasn't physically abused me before is what every victim says when it happens first. And the way you start to defend him now - is also very common.

Also - he acts suspicious about you checking something on his PC, for me it screams I have something to hide. He goes through your phone - he is controlling. Anger + control is what gives you an abusive BF in the end.

 

I went back a few minutes later and showed him my arm. He got mad, telling me to never say that he abuses me because he isn't like that. (He got very angry and cursed a lot.) He didn't apologies until I asked him to and also said "it is your own fault, I was doing important stuff on my computer and you went to switch it off." I explained to him that he can't treat me like that no matter what I do and he said "Fine, I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry for that but it wasn't my fault it was yours." read that again. And now imagine your GF told you that about her BF. Would you think he is abusive? I think so. If you tell your mom or dad he did that - they will tell you to dump him immediately.

You can never accidentally grab someone or push. He wants to control you, and he will use power again.

[pippy longstocking]

I really don't think it was abuse - pinkfluttershy has to think about what she means by "this severe" - I don't think it means there were issues that indicate abuse in the past. Only she knows what that means.

 

Also - I have to wonder - on this occasion - was he actually trying to hurt pinkfluttershy or was he trying to defend the computer (ie stop it from being switched off and losing all his work) and did he grab her too hard by doing so because he was so stressed about the computer not being turned off. If so - that's a bad accident.

 

Was he actually being abusive on that incident or was it an accident? I'm sure pinkfluttershy has a good idea in her mind what it is - the rest of us really couldn't know.

 

I agree with this ^^^

[greywolf]

It's possible that he may have panicked when he saw you were turning off his computer and grabbed you too hard (sometimes guys don't realize that it doesn't take much to hurt us), but if that were the case, you'd think he'd be apologetic about hurting you, and he's not. And then blaming you at the end... that's a red flag to me.

[staysound]

I agree with not being apologetic and in the end blaming you is a big red flag.

What he literally says is:

'I wouldn't have hurt you because I'm not like that but YOU asked for it'.

 

That's the talk of somebody who can do what he pleases and will always find somebody else to blame it on. Maybe not habitually, but he doesn't shy away to use the tactic.

 

I have been in a relationship with somebody like that.

It drove me absolutely mad in the end, questioning my every own move, to the point where also he pushed me 'just a little too hard' to the wall, made me fall onto hard boxes on the floor, wouldn't pick me up, leaving me with very visible bruises, and then claimed I had drove him to do that.

That I was the only person in his whole life who could get him that angry.

Oh, and I only fell because I was too dramatic.

 

Yeah right.

 

In hindsight, the best move I made in my life so far was leaving this guy.

And I can tell you, I loved him to bits, we were supposedly golden together.

 

Three years later I'm still figuring out what for.

[Kendahke]

Yes--you picked this fight. PMS is not an excuse to act like you've lost your mind.

 

What he was doing on his computer was none of your business. None of it concerned you and you had NO BUSINESS trying to turn it off. Have you lost your mind? Anyone would do what he did to keep from losing however many hours of work. You were looking for something to fight over and he shut you down.

 

You need to just move out and sleep in your own house. No one is obligated to tolerate your PMS--you need to get a grip on that mess.