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PLEASE HELP! I’m in a difficult situation with my ex boyfriend, and I'm lost :(


BrokenHearted8

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My ex broke up with me because he’s depressed, losing his job, and not happy with himself. He said he needs to focus on himself and career and cannot focus on a relationship right now. I have read about No contact to get him back again and make him realize my value, but I can’t seem to be able to stick to it. I did NC for one week after the breakup, then I contacted him for his birthday and went out for dinner, I told him we could be friends. It was extremely nice and he was so happy to see me. We texted a bit after that, and that was the closest we were since the breakup. A week later, I got a bit emotional, so I called him and told him that I can’t be friends with him, and that I think what he has done is selfish and didn’t take my feelings in consideration. He was hurt and upset, and so was I. We did not contact each other for about 10 days afterwards until I broke down and called him today. I asked him to give me a ride to another nearby place for a doctor’s appointment. He was polite on the phone, but wasn’t so sure. He said if I don’t find anyone to take me there, he’d be willing to do it. I am so confused and hurt. I cannot stop crying and I miss him so badly.

 

He did not try to contact me at all during those 10 days. He said that he’s giving me space to get over him. This so upsetting for me as I think he doesn’t have the right to make that decision for me. I never asked for space.… I feel like I’ve made so many mistakes already and drove him away. I want him back in my life so badly. I can’t stop thinking about him so I can’t afford to make any more mistakes.

 

My friend advised me to act happy when I see him this Saturday, keep the conversation light, and look and act my best. She told me that I should apologize for what calling him selfish, and to tell him that I still acre about him, and that I am just giving him space. Finally, I should let him know that he can reach out to me any time as a friend, and that I’ll be there to support him. Then right after that, start the no contact again, and disappear until he reaches out or I get over him. This would make him miss me and wonder why I’m not in touch. I am not really good at those games, so I always mess up. I just love him too much

 

What do you think of her advice? I will probably see him this upcoming Saturday. What should I do? Should I be his friend since he’s going through a tough time (And that makes me closer to him)? Or should I maintain Low contact (checkup on him once a week or so)? Or even go No contact again (and maybe he’ll miss me and come back)?

 

Please help! I don’t know what to do

 

PS: I’m 25 years old and He’s 28.

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You need to go NC ...but not to get him back. To give yourself the time and space to heal and move forward.

I think you should avoid seeing him Saturday and start moving on. You're torturing yourself and won't truly begin healing/moving on until you stop wondering about how what you do/don't do will impact him. And if you're thinking "well, I don't want to move on"....he is moving on and basically giving you time/space/not contacting you so you can do the same. His side of things is clear. As for "he doesn't have the right to make that decision for me"...he's making the decision for himself. And, yes, he has the right to not talk to you.

I know its difficult but you're dragging it out by contacting him here and there...you need to start moving forward without him.

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Thank you sooo much for the reply.

 

So you think I should cancel my request for a ride and tell him someone else will drive me there (even though no one else is willing to do it)? I know I should move on, but I just can't do it. He says he deeply cares about me, and he answers all my messages and calls immediately. He said I was the best girlfriend he has ever had, but right now he's in a more solid state being single because he needs to deal with his problems, and he's not sure how long it's going to take him... It would have been easier if he just fell out of love, or wanted to see other people. This is making me so depressed, I haven't left home in four days and haven't stopped crying! I tried to keep myself busy, go out, meet new people, focus on myself, etc. But nothing helps

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NC is not for getting someone back, it's for you to get distance and perspective and be able to heal from a breakup. Sometimes it works in that an ex comes back, but there are problems before and those are not fixed then there will be further breakups. You can't keep up the "here I am, acting all happy and it's all good" then disappear only to call him up days later crying and being emotional about the breakup. That will indeed send him running and it is playing games.

 

Healing from a breakup takes time, but continuing contact with him will just keep the hurt going and will keep you from moving on. You should tell him you are giving him space and he can only contact you when and if he's ready to resume a relationship. And that you aren't waiting for him. Then go NC, face the grief and give yourself time to heal and move on. He has some pretty big problems and he's smart enough and honest enough to admit that and let you go while he deals with them. Let him, give him the space he's asking for and move on. He isn't ready for a relationship and unless he gets whatever his issues are fixed even if he comes back to you tomorrow this is going to keep happening. And it's a really unhealthy relationship that develops under those circumstances, I know because I've done it.

 

Let him go, do NC for yourself to heal. If he gets some help and later on you both are single great, then it has a chance for something in the future, but he has to deal with himself first.

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So you think I should cancel my request for a ride and tell him someone else will drive me there (even though no one else is willing to do it)?

 

Yes. It is unhealthy to depend on anyone else for your well-being, transportation, general survival stuff, financial stuff, emotional health, etc.

If you can't make it to the appointment, cancel it. Its not his responsibility to take you and you're manipulating him into keeping in contact with you (no one else can take me so its you or no one).

Stop communicating with him....it doesn't work *immediately* but it works eventually.

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Yes. It is unhealthy to depend on anyone else for your well-being, transportation, general survival stuff, financial stuff, emotional health, etc.

 

I texted him and told him a friend will give me a rid (even though that's not true, and I will have to cancel my appointment). He said to text him if I change my mind. I sent one last text saying that I am sorry I keep coming back to him when things get difficult when he made it clear that he needs space from me, that I will honor his request and that I feel bad for disturbing him. He read my message and did not reply.

 

I guess that means that I lost him forever

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NC is not for getting someone back, it's for you to get distance and perspective and be able to heal from a breakup.

 

I really tried, but it's not as easy as it seems. I removed all physical reminders and even deleted all pictures, text messages, etc. But the most I could last was 10 days before falling back into old patters and reaching out to him. What puzzles me is that NC is so easy for him to do. He didn't reach out to me once during these days. He was so in love and now he acts like he only feels pity for me! It really hurts to see how easy it is for him

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Even though it's painful, this part had to happen. Soon you'll be grateful it happened now and not 6 months from now or even later. It's time to move on.

Delete his #, unfriend him, block him, cry and be sulky and mopey and depressed and eat ice cream all weekend. Then, take a nice hot bath and get back at it on Monday. As that quote goes "don't look back...you're not going that way".

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Thank you so much savignon. I really appreciate your advice and I'll do everything you mentioned. I think you're right. and sometimes, we just need someone who can listen to us and give us objective advice. I have finally stopped crying, and I'll try to be strong. Thanks a lot. God bless you!

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