Jump to content

Got dumped and she's being shamed


sourceX

Recommended Posts

So. My ex and I were together for three months. Short time, I know, but it's an interesting and good journey. I'm in my last semester then heading off to college, and she's still in high school. I met her through mutual friends over Facebook. Talked to her for a few weeks. We had almost everything in common. She loved everything about me and I the same about her. What I loved the most was our same sense of humor and way of talking. So the day we meet. We date. I know how people interpret this. The whole love at first sight and actual lust kind of thing. Someone once told me that it doesn't matter if you go too fast or too slow, but what matters is if it feels right. Perfect. Which it did. So we talked and talked at our meetup point. And out of nowhere we both kind of went in for a kiss. That's when I asked her how she felt about me. She said I was perfect and that her heart melted when she first saw me in person that same day. I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. To which she happily agreed.

 

Some backstory. She's had a tough love life. Had a lot of boyfriends. Most of which emotionally damaged her or cheated on her. She was my first girlfriend by the way.

 

So throughout our three month adventure, it was awesome. We always took the bus to a mall to meet and hangout since it was between us. She always left crying as she would miss me that much. But during the last month and a half. Things got bad. She used to be into all the weed, alcohol, and partying stuff, but gave all that up for me as I would kind of get upset at her friends for trying to peer pressure her into doing crazy stuff, which at the time I was strongly against. I'm pursuing a career in law enforcement and I grew up with strict morals. So we would sometimes fight over the phone about that and she sort of distanced herself from her friends for me. Even when she hung out with them, she wouldn't do that stuff. I was also going through severe depression and family problems that effected my schooling greatly. So I think that contributed to me being all strict and putting limits on our relationships when I shouldn't have. Big mistake. I should've respected her for who she was and how she wanted to live her life. I also hated her friends. But now I am more lightened up. Same guy, just more relaxed and fine with everything.

 

We always made up and apologized to each other. We would stay up all night talking on the phone. Having nice and fun talks. She loved it. Would always call me back in the middle of the night to tell me how much she loves me and made me promise to never leave her. She seemed to be happy even though the way I acted as a boyfriend.

 

The final month of the relationship. We were unable to spend Christmas together as she had to be at her relatives. So we waited until after as soon as possible to exchange gifts. This was a few weeks ago. Maybe 3. I gave her a stuffed animal and she gave me a deck of cards, where each card had paper stuck to it, and on each it had a reason why she loved me. She filled out the whole deck. One thing that had me cautious is that whenever I asked her what she wanted to do, she said she didn't know, but whatever I wanted to. And whenever I would try to take her out on a date, she would not let me spend money on her. She said he felt bad that I would be willing to spend money on her.

 

Two days after this hangout, we fought over the phone. During the last few weeks of the relationship, I noticed that she had been talking to some guy. She said he was a best friend she had unconditional love for as a friend. Someone who was always there for her when she had problems and that all her ex's would always push him away but she would keep him around. I noticed that she lost a lot of best friends during our relationship. So I wasn't too concerned if he was just a good guy friend. They never met. Back to the fight. I got angry because this guy was talking to her and they had each other in each other's Twitter bio's and Instagram bio's. Commented on each other's pictures. She then straight up started crying her eyes out and said she couldn't do this anymore. She said that her friends said that what was going on isn't supposed to happen. She said that she still loves me but lost feelings. I said that it's because people like this guy were trying to break us up and ruin happiness. She said "well it worked" as she cried. So she pretty much ended it. Said she wanted to start over as good friends and try again in the future. I was in ruins. I tried my hardest to convince her to try again. She said she wanted to be single for a bit and that she isn't ready for relationships.

 

Fast forward like two weeks. This past weekend, she met up with the guy for the first time. And now they're dating. She got over me so fast. But, she's the kind of girl who phases over things fast as she's used to being hurt by guys I guess. This guy hated me and I knew he was trying to steal her from me this entire time. I remember in the beginning he sent me a message saying how lucky I was and that he always wanted to meet her. She said to just block him on both our profiles.

 

Present time. She is now being "S-shamed" and people are accusing her of cheating and breaking my heart. Two nights ago she called me crying and asked me to defend her against anonymous hate. Which I helped her with. She replied to anonymous questions that she was "not happy" and now she is. That makes no sense. She would always tell me how perfectly fine things are. And whenever I talked to her about her not having to change for me and being able to do what she wants, she just "shh" me and tells me she's ok with the changes she made for me. But her friends, and even best friends are ditching her and becoming my friends as they felt that what she did was not right. So I basically made a bunch of friends I already knew, as well as I never heard of. They pointed out how she left without trying to make things work. Giving up. Always getting into relationships too quickly. Being desperate. That she's the kind of girl who needs a guy to be happy.

 

Here is the interesting bit. I found out through a mutual friend that she liked this guy for the whole two years they've known each other online. That she loved him through everything. And that apparently she dated me to get over him, but had feelings for me too. My friend asked her if she'd ever wanted to try again. She said no as this new guy is the only one she wants. I thought that if she wanted to get over him, she would've blocked the idiot from day one. I also thought that someone like her couldn't have feelings for someone like me who was just a tool. Others told me she got bored of me. So I guess it's safe to assume she got more interested in him and left me for him.

 

I'm not surprised. This guy would always text her during school when I couldn't, and would always snapchat her more. He just gave her more attention than me, competed with me, and stole her. Did I mention he hates me?

 

So here I am now. Reflecting upon what is currently happening. I made so many relationship mistakes. I never should've been so strict, put limits, got angry at her and her friends, let her distance herself from friends. Should've done more with her in terms of hanging out. No wonder she got unhappy. But I don't know why she wouldn't talk to me about it so we can fix it... all those promises about making things work and never giving up too...

She broke up with me the same day all my problems went away. I was new and improved. More social. Exciting. Alive. As if I was the same "perfect" guy the same day we met. I would've fixed things for them to be perfect again. But she didn't stick around to see that. Now I'm here regretting so much. Wishing I could go back. Wishing we could try again. I remember she made connections to one of her ex's who was "too good for her". He was kind of like me. But if I may say, we differ now.

 

Now she's with him. The distance between them is even farther than us. It's difficult for them to see each other as they need to take the train and a lot of buses to get to their meet point. And they can't always get rides. Ours was just a single bus ride. All her friends, and even family think she changed out of the blue and went crazy leaving me for him. I'm sure she will call me again maybe tonight or something to talk to me about all the hate. I don't know what to do. I want her back badly. I know she's better than this. We're really good friends now. Haven't seen her since though. She made a decision and went into a direction that has big consequences. And now she has them. Meanwhile I'm trying to be their for her when she calls me crying about the people hating. Right now she's really confident in being with this guy. She sees her new relationship the same way she saw ours in the beginning. Perfect. She still wants to be with him. Everyone is shocked at the fact she's with a moron like him instead of me. Random people tell me it shouldn't have ended and that we're meant for each other as we're both the same kind of person. That's been my motivation. I know that me and her can last a long time. I know we could work things out. It's just all the mistakes that were made...

 

I don't know what to do at this point. Maybe get her to come to hangout with mutual friends. She said she'd be interested in coming to a movie night to watch both our favorite movie with friends. I don't know if she was just saying that. She doesn't talk much either. I miss a call from her, call her back. No answer. Leave a text. Nothing back. Only a few replies back and forth and the conversation is done for the day. And she expects me to instantly be there when she needs me...

 

Thanks in advance for reading what is probably more detailed than as if I would write my life's story. I would appreciate any advice. Thanks again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To be honest, it sounds like you dodged a bullet here.

 

She seems emotionally unstable, directionless in her life, prone to make impulsive decisions, and bad ones at that.

 

Does this sound like her at all?

link removed

 

Luckily you seem to be doing fine in examining your role in the relationship, and bouncing back in positive ways instead of negative ones. Good for you.

 

All I'd say at this point is stop the calling and texting, and go full No Contact. She's a drama queen and you don't need that in your life.

 

Besides, you don't want her c*ckblocking when you meet the next girl who IS right for you. Onwards and upwards my brother.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know you may not want to hear this, and I don't agree of the shaming part of it all, but I think her friends are right. She did leave you for this other guy and she was cheating on you with him, emotionally yes but still she was replacing you with him and did it in a rather slimy "we're just friends" way. My take on this is she's very good at manipulating and jumping from guy to guy. You already knew she had a string of relationship before you, and according to her every single guy before you was a bad person in some way. So it's not really surprising that you are now also being put into that position, because that's what she wants everyone to believe--that she is always the victim and the guy did something wrong to her.

 

My take on it is she enjoys the drama of always being the victim and that she will continue to hop from relationship to relationship, always finding fault with others. And that instead of just taking her medicine when people criticize her over her bad behavior she chooses to try and manipulate people like you into defending her. There isn't anything to defend. She started the emotional affair with the guy she's with now, lied to you about it, dumped you for him and now wants you to run around telling everyone it didn't happen so she can continue to look like the good girl. But sorry, good people don't do that.

 

I think you need to go NC, that she's not anyone's friend but her own, and that you should start listening to everyone who sees through her. Just reading your post about her I can see through her. Get some space and distance from her, stop taking her calls and you'll realize they were right and you deserve a better person to love. One that won't be into these types of games.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To be honest, it sounds like you dodged a bullet here.

 

She seems emotionally unstable, directionless in her life, prone to make impulsive decisions, and bad ones at that.

 

Does this sound like her at all?

 

 

Luckily you seem to be doing fine in examining your role in the relationship, and bouncing back in positive ways instead of negative ones. Good for you.

 

All I'd say at this point is stop the calling and texting, and go full No Contact. She's a drama queen and you don't need that in your life.

 

Besides, you don't want her c*ckblocking when you meet the next girl who IS right for you. Onwards and upwards my brother.

Wow. All are true except 10(not to me anyways), 7(she gave up that stuff for me), 12(she would apologize for stuff a lot) and 2. We never really bought items for each other. Just the gifts and stuff when we would hangout. Movie tickets, coffee, Starbucks, etc. She's got some...stuff...going on with her. She's had a rough childhood. Bad family stuff. I think I remember her saying she was bi-polar. It's safe to say she's kind of..I don't like using the word "damaged", but yeah. That. I do think she's borderline. I never cared about those things though. I dated her for who she was.

 

And I do agree she's a popular kind of drama queen. Looking to be the innocent victim. But I guess it is true that her previous boyfriends were worse. Abusive, looking for just sex. I would say I'm that one guy she's been waiting for. Don't mean to sugar coat. She did sound very heart broken over the phone when she threw it all away. If only she stayed to see things change for probably the better.

 

I don't know. I feel like there is some kind of hope. Perhaps she will wake up. I still have doubts about it though. I feel like she'll come around. Everyone's betting her new relationship will last 2 months max. Especially because the distance is a huge factor. I feel like she really fits the borderline woman description on that link. Being sensitive and all that. Hell, she has a messed up period cycle too. I still have feelings for her, still want her back, I know the great girl I started dating is still in there somewhere...except I have no idea how I'd get her back anyways. I guess I'll lay low for now and see what happens. Her friends and even her sister have betrayed her and are in constant spy mode for me.

 

Thanks for the replies, fellas. Quick and to the point.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't mean to double post. But a huge update. Found out she is indeed bi-polar. More importantly, she has loved him since the beginning. She said it was unconditional love. Said at the time we dated she wanted to get over him and when I said she could've blocked him she said it was unconditional and how she couldn't because he was always there for her. Two and a half years. Always around and all that stuff. She did love me but she thought everything was unfair for everyone so I guess the right thing was to go with him since they've been meaning to date for a while and the fact that we went too fast. But she said "well, i guess not too fast since it felt right with you". She also said it got boring. That I was indeed too much in control. We talked about how things could've been better if she stayed for the changes. She said it would've worked out but this situation would've happened eventually because of her love for him. Also said that if they were to breakup she wouldn't know what would happen. That she'd change. So I guess my situation had to do a lot with her being indecisive.

 

I don't know. The whole maybe hour long phone call was very...exciting and happy. Very casual. It all made so much sense that I wasn't really mad at all. We just kept talking and laughing. I don't know what was happening but we were both having a fun time on the phone talking about the situation. She said she did leave me for him. Which we both laughed at. I asked what she thought of me now, she said that we're friends and that she doesn't hate me. But said it would be weird if we were to hang out again. So I guess that friendly ex hangouts is out of the question.

 

She did mention about going through like 3 stages of dating. One being crushing phase or something. I don't remember. But I remember her saying with me, she didn't want to go through those since she wanted to be with me badly or something.

 

We were pretty sexual too. I made her orgasm once that she didn't even know what was happening. Drove her wild as she always seemed to be aroused around me. So during the phone call I for the hell of it asked her if I "was any good". I could tell she was trying not to smile and she tried to cut things short and said she was going to bed. I'm seriously dying to know. She was my first. I wasn't hers. Maybe she just doesn't want to admit it. But then again I don't know if she even found me attractive if she dated me to get over him. All her friends say she's crazy leaving a "hot" and "perfect" guy like me for..him. But then AGAIN, she did love me and believed me to be perfect. Pretty much acted towards me the way she does to him now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Relationship is bteween two people and no need to drag family and frends into the mess of a break-up. Perhaps there is a difference in US and Europe, where it is considered a very poor manners to stick one's nose in other people's affaires, unless abuse is witnessed. IMO, It only agravates the break up and makes it more difficult to move on afterwards, when external people stick their nose in one's life without even knowing the situation first hand.

 

I'm absolutely speachless about the "shaming" thing, thought this is a medieval practice, performed by narrow-minded fanatics. I can't believe that young, intelligent people would do that. Perhaps it is a matter of maturity.

 

In any case, it is useless post-factum to analyse her behavior and attach labels to her, like bi-polar, it is only a psyciatrist that can determine if she has, or not this condition. So, just be respectful of her decision to not be with you anymore, she is a free person in her own rights and can date whoever she wants. Stop dragging friends and family in this drama, it seems you are getting something out of it.

 

The way you insisted for her not meeting her friends, sounds quite controlloing to me.

Just move on with your life and let her move on with hers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...