Jump to content

Dumped for someone else. Need an objective viewpoint please?


Recommended Posts

I'm sorry to wallow. I'm just stuck. Was seeing a guy I really liked. He pursued me, very very much so. We dated, we eventually slept together. Then suddenly I get a text at work, his ex wants to talk to him that evening about 'something important'. He texts that he has 'more feelings for her than I realised' and therefore he can't see me anymore. They are now together. I can accept that this has happened, but I'm stuck as to how / why. And understandably am expecting responses like, it doesn't matter how / why, I need to concentrate on myself, which is of course true and I have been.

 

But I can't help thinking, and I don't want to seem arrogant, but why her not me? We are the same age, but that's where our similarities end. I don't know her, but she has an 8 year old son (not his), is quite um overweight, short dyed red curly hair, glasses, is 'emotionally damaged' according to him. I have long dark hair, no glasses, quite petite, he says I'm 'beautiful, smart, kind and funny', no children, good job, my own home. I'm not shallow and I know it's not the visual/material things... But I don't have much to go on. He and I clicked, had loads in common, past and present. Apparently they shared a lot of personal stuff in their relationship, and he said he 'needs to see where this road goes, it will be hard but must see it through'. He has 'very deep feelings' for her, which 'aren't a reflection' on me.

 

But I'm so hurt. It's not just an ego thing. I feel like I've lost something. Can anyone help clarify any of this? I'd be grateful for help, I'm in the dark here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't want to seem arrogant, but why her not me?

Apparently they shared a lot of personal stuff in their relationship, . He has 'very deep feelings' for her,.

^ There's your answer. Just because she's not as pretty as you say you are, it doesn't change the fact that he very obviously shared something much deeper with her and he decided she may be the right one after all. She may not have your looks, but whatever she does have, is what he wants.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

^ There's your answer. Just because she's not as pretty as you say you are, it doesn't change the fact that he very obviously shared something much deeper with her and he decided she may be the right one after all. She may not have your looks, but whatever she does have, is what he wants.

 

Yeah I know it's not about looks. And I'm no way saying I'm perfect. I'm just so on the outside of it, and we didn't get chance to share anything deep ourselves. They used to hang out a lot. He'd go round and keep her company, baby sit etc. I realise now that they didn't really cut ties emotionally.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You can't compete with history like that. I'm sorry, but you're better off this early on than later. And yes this is an ego thing too. It always involves the ego even if only in a small way. It's OK. But this whole thing has nothing to do with you other than the fact that you put yourself in this situation.

 

You lost what you thought you were building. Good thing it didn't go too far.

 

You'll be just fine.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He has 'very deep feelings' for her, which 'aren't a reflection' on me.

 

He has explained to you very clearly why her and not you. It is not a matter of understanding so much as a matter of accepting it. Apparently, they share a common history and a strong emotional attachment that you simply cannot compete with. The kind of emotional attachment that only time spent together creates, which you did not have. It is very unfortunate that he led you believe that he was emotionally available when in reality he wasn't. You feel that you lost something because you did lose all that wonderful hope that he created within you by pursuing you very much. What he did was not fair to you, but unfortunately life is not fair. Believe him when he says that this is not a reflection of your value and try to move on as soon as you can. He is not worth it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think he explained it well by saying its not a reflection on you....its simply where his heart is. You did lose something and you should mourn that for a short time and then brush yourself off and start meeting other people.

I know how much it stings and can relate entirely to how you're feeling.

*hugs*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Because he wasn't over her. He thought or hoped he was and he tried to start something with you to get on and move past her, but the fact is he should have waited and given himself time to heal. In short, you were a rebound for him. Then the ex came back and he saw a second chance with her and he took it. If he'd been over her he would've done what I've done when an ex has showed up periodically--sent them packing.

 

This has nothing to do with you really, you didn't know you were dating a guy whose heart wasn't really free to give. Unfortunately people don't come with warning labels about that and I don't think there's anything you could have done to avoid it unless he talked about her incessantly or gave you some other clue he wasn't over her yet. It happens sometimes, all you can do is heal and move on. It hurts, but it is what it is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for your wise words and for taking the time everyone. The fact that he has explained so reasonably makes me feel the loss of him even more. And hopes, dreams. I feel ruined right now. Energy-less. Realise I must mourn and cry yet more. Like a nightmare.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is a saying "The heart wants what the heart wants". He has explained it really well, and even though it is hard on you, he was never yours I am afraid.

Better to find out early, rather than him dragging his heels & leading you along.

He has done you a huge favour.

Take care.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for your wise words and for taking the time everyone. The fact that he has explained so reasonably makes me feel the loss of him even more. And hopes, dreams. I feel ruined right now. Energy-less. Realise I must mourn and cry yet more. Like a nightmare.

 

You are mourning the dream more than any reality as it was a short relationship. Unfortunately you were a rebound. And as real as it felt to you, I suspect he was just transferring his feelings to avoid the pain.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are mourning the dream more than any reality as it was a short relationship. Unfortunately you were a rebound. And as real as it felt to you, I suspect he was just transferring his feelings to avoid the pain.

 

They broke up 7 months ago, and he's dated a couple of times since, so I'm not totally sure about the rebound, but either way he obviously still had feelings for her nurtured by them never having cut ties. It sucks right now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is a saying "The heart wants what the heart wants". He has explained it really well, and even though it is hard on you, he was never yours I am afraid.

Better to find out early, rather than him dragging his heels & leading you along.

He has done you a huge favour.

Take care.....

 

yep the heart wants what the heart wants

 

all I can add pebbles is that I agree with everyone else ...and as shelty put , he wasn't yours to start with ...only you didn't know that ..maybe he really didn't believe his ex would ever come back or contact him and he was genuinly moving forward ,.....she makes the contact and bang ...that history and that love cannot be measured , he has gone to where his heart is ..and again ...absolute no reflection on you at all .

 

have a good cry , dust yourself down and get back up again .

 

 

I am a great believer in everything been put on our journey for a reason ...sometimes we find ourselves in situations that are clearly someone elses learning ..and as much as it hurts now , for some reason he crossed your path ...albeit you feel he came out on top so to speak but that is the way it goes . big hugs cos you sound so sad xxxxx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...