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My partner and I are 'on a break'

 

We've been on and off for nearly five years. I feel like I'm tearing my hair out with this and feel mentally and emotionally drained. We've had 8 an month and 9 month gap during this time. During our relationship I feel frustrated as I find him very secretive.

 

We are both strong characters and although we love each other a lot, I feel unsatisfied and unhappy most of the time. During our time together he has only ever stayed round a handful of times, only invited me to his house in our third year together and has never introduced me to his family or "officially" as his girlfriend. He also has never taken me on a date anywhere or been around for my birthday. There has always been some excuse. This year he said he would keep it free but I heard him on the phone saying he had to work out of the area on the day of my birthday. Although we planned to see each other on the Friday evening after he finished work he was not able to tell me whether he was available on the Sunday. When I asked him five days before my birthday whether he would be free he saud he dudnt know. I then told him that a male friend (ive known since school) had offered to take me to dinner and asked if he minded. This got him mad and as a result he decided that he wasn't going to do anything special for me at all. He didn't even get me a card. This broke my heart as this is not the first time he's done this. I've cried and cried over this and don't know if I can forgive him. I kniw birthdays are not a big thing for him but I feel he's done this as some sort of spite and it hurts so much that I wasnt even worth a cheap card. We never spend time out if the house and he never takes me on dates. This was the one time he had to prove how much I meant to him. I am a Strong woman and know my worth. I am sick of giving and investing only to get very little back. He says he has not introduced me as his gf because I am over emotional and insecure however after years of this non committal relationship it's driving me up the wall. I don't think I can take much more. The hard thing is we do have a lot of love for each and when it is good it's very very good but when it's bad it's horrid. I just want a normal relationship with someone who is able to invest time in the relationship, stay round and consider my feelings. Am I asking too much?

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He sounds like he's married and you're his girl on the side.

 

You say that you're unhappy most of the time with him. You control your own destiny...do you want to continue this same carp for the next 5 years? Or find someone who will treat you well?

 

Block his number. Block anything that you can contact him with...and take some time to get counseling...this is not a healthy relationship and it's done a number on you.

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Having gone through this myself in a six-year relationship all I can say is do yourself a favor and get out now, end it. First, are you sure he's single like he says he is. And if so how do you know that, because not introducing you to friends and family, not taking you out anywhere, not being available most of the time and not even giving you the consideration of a birthday card when he knows it's your birthday just screams he's married or in a committed relationship and is hiding you. He's keeping you a secret for some reason and it's not a good one.

 

You can either stay put waiting for him to commit when he's probably not available to and obviously has no intentions of doing so beyond saying what he knows you want to hear, so he can continue to keep you hidden away OR you can kick him to the curb, go NC and go find a man who will date you, who won't keep you a secret. And the whole "You're too insecure that's why I don't introduce you" is the biggest lie I've ever heard. Can you not tell that???? Yes, his secretiveness and refusing to treat you like anything other than his mistress is his fault, but it's yours for continuing to let him.

 

So don't let him.

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I just want a normal relationship with someone who is able to invest time in the relationship, stay round and consider my feelings. Am I asking too much?

 

In the general scheme of things, no. From this guy - demonstrably, yes.

 

I'm of the opinion that a relationship that has to be kept secret is a relationship that you shouldn't be in, in the first place. It sounds, indeed, as though he's massively committed somewhere else and that you're a bit on the side. Also, his justification for not celebrating your birthday is absolute rubbish. I dated a guy for eight years; he didn't have much time for birthday/Xmas gifts either - but that didn't stop him buying gifts for me; very thoughtful ones at that.

 

I think, sadly, he's been demonstrating over and over again how much you mean to him. Don't waste any more time or tears on this apology for a relationship; get out, get a really strong sense of what you want from a man, and what you want to give to one - and then, when you're ready, find someone whose values chime with yours.

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You say that you know your worth.....so if you are putting up with this kind of treatment for FIVE YEARS, does that mean that your worth is zero or even less than that? Seems to me like it's high time to wake up, smell the roses and raise the bar....a lot. I don't know you, but I'm pretty sure your worth is much higher than what you are currently crediting yourself with.

 

He is more than just secretive - he is flat out hiding you and any connection with you. Now why would anyone do that? What would you tell your friend if she told you that her guy is hiding their relationship and won't even be seen out with her anywhere???? He also sounds manipulative and controlling - he very much punished you over the b-day thing. Why would you ever put with that?

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You have to stop and think about what you really, really want for your life. do you want to be married and have a family? If so, you're never going to get it with this guy. After 5 years and he won't even introduce you as his GF? Really, that is ridiculous and you need to perhaps re-evaluate here. He could well be seeing other women on the side (or you could be the side woman and not know it).

 

But the bottom line is you're not getting much out of this. And you're not getting any closer to a commitment from him. So you probably should hit the road and look for a normal guy who wants a normal relationship and commitment. This guy isn't that guy!

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Hello,

 

I'm currently 'on a break' with my ex/partner. We've had a rocky relationship but deep down there is a lot of Love and respect (unconditionally on both sides.( On paper and deep down we are great together but we just think and feel very differently. I would really like some perspective on these two two scenarios.

 

#1 Ive been extremely ill over xmas hols and he kept in regular contact with me, cooking ans bringing food and checking up on me. NYE came round and he said he was prob staying in so I invited him round. (We were due to have a talk abt our rel when I was better.) He said it was a good idea and might come round. 9.30 I called him to check if he was coming. Thinking about it. 11.30pm- I'm getting tired-no phonecall. I call him and he rushes me off the phone as he is busy. When I finally spoke to him he could not understsnd why I was upset that it was 11.45 and STILL I did not know whether he was coming round or not. I said it was rude and disrespectful. He said I was 'overreacting' and should have been clear that I expected him to come before 12 as I had been up till 2am previous nights (ill! ) He insists that he would have still come but that's not the point. If someone, especially someone you claim to love, asked you over for a special occasion surely if they cared enough they would make the effort to let you know whether or not they were coming before 11.45? Can someone help?!

 

#2 I'm having serious issues dealing with workload at the moment. I'm talking to ex partner-he asks how day went- I start talking about a meeting I had with my boss. When I ask if he really wants to hear this, he insists thst he does.Then in the middle of me talking he cuts in (something he hates me doing) and says, "Can you cut out the statistics and talk fast cos when my show comes in I'm going to have to go!" He was surprised that I no longer wanted to talk to him and thinks that me calling him, "dismissive, arrogant and rude" is a "a gross overreaction." In my eyes it shows dismissiveness and a blatant disrespect. Any views? Or am I, yet again, "oversensitive."?

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He sounds like a jerk. Why would you put up with this for 5 years? You said you know your worth, so prove it and dump this loser. Just let this "break" be a permanent one. He has no respect for you and you will never have the relationship you want or deserve with this guy. I wouldn't put up with this for 5 months, let alone 5 years.

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