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Two months post-BU. I feel stuck.


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First of all I would like to thank everyone who has responded to my previous threads. It means a lot to me and I have gained a lot of insights these last few months.

 

I am now two months down the road and practicing NC has been hard. Especially after she called me three times last week. I ended up sending a text that now was not the time to call me. (Bc my grandmother is doing bad, I'm a little preoccupied with that. Didnt tell her that though.)

 

I am functioning more or less normally and got my eating habits back again, i lost twenty pounds and now gained two. But I recently started chatting with an attractive woman who reminds me so much of my ex. I am drawn to her even though I know she is bad news. She is like the ex, a free bird, only a hundred times worse. And yet I find myself wanting to keep up the texting/chatting. It is like I didnt learn a thing and I am putting myself up for some new heartbreak (while I still am NOT over my ex). It's like my emotions have a life of their own. My mind is going crazy trying to keep them in control. And worst of all: I have days where I still miss my ex so terribly. There is this feeling lingering inside me that she might have been the one or that I'll never find this connection and level of mutual attraction again with anybody, ever. I have practised thought stopping and it has diminished the frequency of these thoughts reoccurring but I am nowhere near healing and acceptance I'm afraid..

 

Just wanted to vent a little.. Thanks for reading anyhow

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Respect my friend. You do have some balls let me tell you. Keep up the NC at all cost, no matter how hard it gets. I had no contact with my ex for a month and a half and then magically she showed up out of no where. I knew I wasn't going to contact her but could not keep my self from replying her text, then her phone call, then coffee at starbucks..etc, next thing I know my hopes are high and my guard down. So guess what happened? Her insecurity emerged again and after two weeks of talking and less than 24 hours of calling each other "babe", she says she can't see me anymore for another few months because she feels emotionally unstable (not sure what your situation is).

 

A good friend of mine said, may be you and her will change or resolve your personal issues. But "no significant, radical or transformational change can happen in just a month and a half". Now I see the truth in that. So if you know for a fact that it's just going to make your life difficult, keep the NC. You may love her, and she may not be a bad person, but sometimes what you want is not what you need.

 

Good luck buddy.

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Keep it up. 2 months isn't that long at all, especially if you had LC with your ex and she's trying to contact you.

 

It does get better, but it's normal to have bad days and set backs.

 

I'm a little over 4 months post BU and I feel stuck too, sometimes.

 

I think we both need to be a little easier on ourselves.

 

You're doing fine.

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Thank you vaxxter. Thought you should know I am in fact a girl and my ex is a girl too . Other than that our breakup is probably very similar to that of straight couples.

I'm sorry to hear your ex dropped you again after reconciling. She has no right to toy around with your feelings like that, especially not when she's emotionally unstable. That sucks. Like you said, maybe down the road you can be together if some things have really changed. That won't happen in the course of months though..

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Hey Lucha, keep going strong. Because I'm watching from the outside I can tell from reading your posts during these last weeks that you ARE doing progress

 

Thanks jonyyy, that's what my counselor says too. Although I feel worse lately she says that is totally normal after two months bc then you start to realize there actuallt there isn't a lot of hope left (Not to say none)..

 

I'm happy that through my posts there is some progress visible to others bc as for myself, I think I'm quite the loser for still missing her and wanting her back. In fact my whole image of the future was shred into pieces: I was going to live with her in this or that place, and I was going to apply for a job there and so on. I truly loved this woman. Now I have to saddle up for a future without her in it and possibly without anyone, although I hope to meet another woman who is better than her in every prospect. Guess that is why I feel stuck: I am in a turning point in life (graduated from medicine only a few weeks ago), had to give up my appartment in the city I was studying to go live back with my parents,.. And I'm gonna have to face reality and start my future with or without her. It's just that I'm scared as a chicken to do that

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Keep it up. 2 months isn't that long at all, especially if you had LC with your ex and she's trying to contact you.

 

It does get better, but it's normal to have bad days and set backs.

 

I'm a little over 4 months post BU and I feel stuck too, sometimes.

 

I think we both need to be a little easier on ourselves.

 

You're doing fine.

 

Hey deejay, thanks for your reply. I am also following your threads and I feel a bit of an invisible connection between us, together with silversoul and some others

Hope you are doing ok!

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Hey deejay, thanks for your reply. I am also following your threads and I feel a bit of an invisible connection between us, together with silversoul and some others

Hope you are doing ok!

 

no worries. i feel the same.

 

today has been not so good. i just posted a new thread.

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Hey there Lucha... careful with this new girl. I say this because you do compare her with your X and fear that maybe you are projecting the love for your X to this new girl. Mentally you are substituting one body for another but having the same feelings as if she was the X.

Just curiosity, but have you gotten rid of all the texts, emails and everything that reminds you of the X? I know her contacting you is tough and its a good thing you said please respect my space. I personally think that you should just lay off seeing anyone because you are just not ready to give a new girl a fair shake and will only project feelings to her. But hey, that's what I think...

You will get thru this, you will be alright and it does get easier.

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Hey Lucha,

 

You seem to be doing great for two months. Congrats on sticking to NC - I had many failed attempts at NC so did not instigate it properly until 5 months after BU, it is now over 7 months since my BU and really the major progress has only come during NC. I am happy for you that you have already started and continued NC, the hardest path is always the right one (probably!). As for the new girl, its nice to get the attention and have someone 'replace' what you had with your ex, but if it is a distraction from your feelings and hiding from the pain it probably isn't the best way to go You might not feel like you are close to healing and acceptance but everyday you are edging closer to it and you probably don't even notice it. I still have good and bad days, thankfully the good outnumber the bad.

Keep going, keep venting and stick with the counselor, you'll get there in good time, as we all will!

 

Incidentally I was also at the point of moving in with my ex, probably the catalyst for BU. I lived at home for a couple of months, saved some money and found a cheap room to rent and it has worked out brilliantly. Its somewhere new with no memories and I have a new roommate and made new friends. One of the biggest issues I had was that feeling my future had been snatched away but in truth that was not my future. Once you stop fearing the loss of the future you hoped for and live in the present it will become easier. We can never know what will happen to us, we can only live in the present and control that, let go of that fear of the future, know that you will in time meet someone else and you will be happy again one day, that is life, it is cyclical. This is just a huge life learning experience and what you learn about yourself now will aid you to have and be better in future relationships and more importantly be happier and better you!

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Hey there Lucha... careful with this new girl. I say this because you do compare her with your X and fear that maybe you are projecting the love for your X to this new girl. Mentally you are substituting one body for another but having the same feelings as if she was the X.

Just curiosity, but have you gotten rid of all the texts, emails and everything that reminds you of the X? I know her contacting you is tough and its a good thing you said please respect my space. I personally think that you should just lay off seeing anyone because you are just not ready to give a new girl a fair shake and will only project feelings to her. But hey, that's what I think...

You will get thru this, you will be alright and it does get easier.

 

I didn't realize until you just mentioned it, but it seems that is exactly what's happening. I found a girl who physically looks a lot like my ex and maybe even in character.. So probably I'm projecting my feelings on her but what will most likely happen is that I get rejected again bc this girl is really bad news and I recognise all the red flags. But talking to her seems to distract me from my ex. So it's a lot like choosing between two wrongs..

 

I have to admit I am not as good in the no contact as most of you think, Lately I have been replying to her texts, albeit short. I did say it was better that she didnt contact me but actually I broke that rule myself by asking her how she was (bad decision and it got her to text again and she even called three times). Now I'm learning that I will never have the contact I desire (ie. That she wants to come back) and i'm only slowly letting go of that thought..

 

I put away all of her stuff almost immediately after the BU. I stumbled upon some cd's of her yesterday but other than that everything got returned to her by my father.

I do have one major thing to do yet.. On facebook, I still have some pics of us, to which she reacted with a sweet line. When I see that picture, I see her current profile picture next to her comment. Although she is blocked. I keep checking it to make sure she hasnt got anyone new (which is absurd really bc I blocked her for exactly the reason I DO NOT WANT TO be confronted with the thought of her with someone else it just feels like, deleting the pics is cutting the final string that connects us. But I know I have to.

 

So, I might not be so strong as you guys think..

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One of the biggest issues I had was that feeling my future had been snatched away but in truth that was not my future. Once you stop fearing the loss of the future you hoped for and live in the present it will become easier. We can never know what will happen to us, we can only live in the present and control that, let go of that fear of the future, know that you will in time meet someone else and you will be happy again one day, that is life, it is cyclical. This is just a huge life learning experience and what you learn about yourself now will aid you to have and be better in future relationships and more importantly be happier and better you!

 

Exactly that. I am so scared of the future. I recently graduated and I'm a doctor now (I know, probably the most emotionally unstable doctor you ever met, but hey, we are people too) and I'm supposed to be looking for a job (general practitioner, specialist, or research) and I feel like I have no idea where I'm going! I had a future planned out but now it's gone.. And now I have to face it alone. There is so much paperwork that I have to take care of and so much pressure to start working, although I feel I am NOT capable at the moment for a fulltime job... I just dont wanna strt working, and then crash again in some months and being dependent on the social security system.. I dont wanna take advantage of that, I want to heal and be happy again before I engage in such an important, fulltime job..

 

I am a mess really. Particularly today, bc the ex has just send me two breadcrumb texts and I just had an hour conversation with some guy of insurance company.

 

I'm sorry for the loooong posts, but I'm happy I can write it down here

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Its fine to be a mess, you're just human getting through a huge emotional trauma. I'm a mess, but I recognise I was a bigger mess a 4 months ago and an even bigger mess 7 months ago ;-) Its just a long road to recovery, like a huge staircase and you are already on the steps, you can look behind you and see some progress made, there are many more steps to go up, but the important thing is that you have started to on the steps. You can pause on a step for a breather but just remember at the top of the steps is a wonderful view, and well worth all the hard work! Heck, I might write a load of nonsense, I just use these kind of images and visions to get through the days.

 

I don't know if my experiences are much use to you but it is all I know, and perhaps it is helpful to hear of others having similar anxieties. I had a future planned too, we were moving in together, this year was supposed to about marriage, kids, and emigrating (she was from a different country), instead I found that my future was alone, living with my dad in a town I did not want to be in and no hopes of emigration, no kids and as I am 35 panic that I am probably too old to have kids by the time I meet someone else! It has taken me months to accept the idea that was not my future, my future will be on a different path with someone else, I would say I fought against it because it is not what I wanted - I have learned to accept and enjoy the idea that I have a new unknown future and it can be whatever I want. I am currently in a job, I intend to move cities or maybe go travelling, I am not in a rush and do not have to decide things right now, I will move when I am ready and I have taken all pressure off myself that I need to be at point X by a certain time. If you're not ready to have a full time job then chill, go to your counselor and work on dealing with your stress and anxieties, these are wonderful lessons that will stay with you for life. The world is not going to come crashing down if you don't get your paperwork done, or your finding it stressful, just breathe and find a way that you can deal with this stuff in time. Remember you are grieving and it takes a long time to heal, don't beat yourself up about it

 

As for the contact and Facebook, well whats done is done, as I said it took me 5 months - I knew better, I needed to get stung and stung again. I enjoyed the contact (I still would on some level!) but I came to a point when I decided to stop hurting myself, it was taking up my energy and I wanted that energy to be focused on me. You'll get there in time, and when you do everyday of NC will make you stronger and stronger. I think for 2 months post break up you are doing awesome

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I know. It is my fault. And now I keep checking this tiny profile picture that I can still see of her, I see I'm becoming obsessed. I really want to move on though.. It's like my mind and emotions are in constant battle, in fact I feel like my head will explode. I'm just afraid that, if I remove the last pics of us, I will be better for a short time but my curiosity will once again kick in and chances are I am going to unblock her then, if I dont have access to anything other from her. And I really do not want that to happen! So I'm thinking, if in a week I am still in this state, I will remove the final bits and pieces connecting me to her. I hope it won't be necessary though.

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Thanks for your reply ir really means a lot to me. I am crying when reading this, not only still because of her but becaude of the huge amount of stress thats being put on me (mostly by friends asking are you working yet? Or my parents asking when I am going to go to job interviews etc). Now this assurance company guy put some more pressure on it stating that I should have to figure out if I'm starting as a general practitioner /physician in may. But then I would have to sign contract in march, which I think is way too soon for me to accept this big of a responsability. I would be working with peoples lives, you know. I feel I would do society a favor by NOT starting too soon.

 

Tomorrow I'm gonna pick up going to the gym and work out. I think the endorphins would be a could temporary relief /outlet for stress.

 

Thanks for reading and replying, I have nowhere else to go with these issues really.. If I'd spent the amount of time with my counselor as I've been spending here then oh boy she would be rich by now.

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Oh Lucha we were all scared. You are not the only person who is scared. I think you have it in your mind that once you cut the cord its gone, she is gone. That is not true. Getting rid of things that remind you of her including the picture is letting go of that last page of this chapter of your life. See, your life is like a book, from your first memory growing up to right now, today you have a story to tell. Its written down and things happen, they cant un-happen. So letting go is not forgetting or saying good-bye. What you are doing is saying that you are open to the future. Your X may or may not come back, who knows. But think of it, you could go out and find yourself an awesome girl that completes you. That meshes with you, that compliments you.

How do you expect a boat to explore the ocean if you still have tied up to the dock? Does it mean the boat will never come back? No, it just means its going out to discover new lands. You have so many years ahead of you, so many new people to meet, so many new adventures, stories, experiences and its waiting for you. Holding on to her shows her that you are not moving forward. How do you expect girls to treat you right when you don't even treat yourself right? Teach people to treat you as you treat yourself.

This new girl is bad news you said so yourself. Remember, its easier to stay out than it is to get out. So before you get in deeper, tell this girl good bye. You deserve to be happy.

Okay, so you contacted your X, we have all done dumb things. Today is a new day... learn from the mistakes and move forward. Get rid of those pictures, its doing nothing but anchoring you to feelings that you don't want. Its okay to delete them and let go. All you are doing is letting go of that part of your past so you can move forward...

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Block her calls, girl! With all of the technology out there...I don't get why people don't do this.

 

Throw yourself into your life....it's so exciting that you just graduated...you can have a new life in a new city if you want. Move somewhere where there is a more lively LGBT community. Buy new sheets for your bed...buy some new shirts...throw out the things that remind you of her.

 

In 2 months from now, you won't even be thinking about her. There's someone better for you.

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Today I was cleaning out the bathroom and stumbled upon some perfume try-outs, so I decided to sit down and test them to see if I like the scent of some new perfumes. Then all of a sudden, by accident I stumbled on HER perfume. I could literally smell her again and all these memories start rushing back to my head. I feel bad..

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Yes perfumes are VERY dangerous. Beware of that. Met someone the other day who was wearing the same perfume as my Ex, ruined my day instantly. So lately I've been using extra perfume on myself to somehow counter that. This way I smell what I like, what makes me confident.

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knock it off...You are allowing someone who is not even in the same room as you affect you.. quit it. Once you smelled that two things could of happened.. you could of said.. Oh, that smelled like her and give it no other thought..or.... Oh that smelled like her and let allllll the emotions take you over

You sat there and thought of everything and let it take you over..

Be stronger than that..

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Yeah I know I'm just having some rough days that's all. The perfume brought back a lot of memories, I didnt consciously start thinking of them they just popped up in my head. The othet night I had a dream of her and I woke up crying, it was weird..

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