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I feel like I want to run away and forget everything! :-/

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I think I have depression. I have gone through a lot in my life (abusive childhood/20's abusive relationship)

the past two years.... starting with my ex of 6 years/live in boyfriend left me under bad circumstances, left me without a job/home/life... had to move back to my family. went thru almost 6 months of drinking myself stupid by myself, crying all day, its all a blur to me. I was a mess. then I move out on my own and 2 months in I get fired from my job and have to move in with my grandma. then she had extremely bad health this past year I was her caregiver it has greatly effected my mental and emotional well being. it has been hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.


during the past year, I found myself slipping more and more into my funk. during this time, I started dating my current boyfriend/ex whatever you want to call him. he helped me through things, but my self has changed. lately, I have been drinking a lot... by myself. especially if I get stressed I immediately want a drink.


I am sad all the time and mad.... I sleep a lot more than usual. I can't fall asleep anymore at night I stay up late... I used to be known for my early bedtime. I cry all the time. ALL the time over little things. I Stress so much and wake up stressing. my grandma piles her stress on me so I have to deal with that too. I just have alot going on, I feel something different in me. I have posted on here I am also dealing with a bully boss at work. IT's like one thing after another for me. stress is the norm feeling.


I broke up with my boyfriend about two weeks ago. we do have alot to work out but since I have broken up with him he has gone out of his way to make alot of changes for himself. he is doing things I didn't even think he would do, he wants to do whatever he can to keep me and he said me breaking up with him was what he needed to get his life in order. I told him that I need to see changes for a period of time before considering things again.


I miss him (we haven't been talking for days) and I feel he would be a great husband one day, we are great friends, I feel as if he is trying to work it out but I just dont even have that feeling in me for anything at all in my life. I just feel numb in a way.


he used to be who I would go to with a problem, but anytime I give in and text him he immediately starts asking me about "us" and what I am thinking and I regret it immediately. so I haven't contacted him all week, I have wanted to but I don't want to confuse him. just so I can release my stupid problems to someone. so I came here.


I want to be happy, I want to make it work with him, I want to live a good life I just feel this heavy weight on me. I don't know how to deal. I feel maybe I am just pushing him away for no reason, and he is really the only good thing in my life right now granted we do have things to figure out.


I feel like I have too much to think and deal with to have to worry about being a good girlfriend to him too. I hate feeling that way he doesn't deserve this at all.


I just don't know what to do. I wake up dreading getting out of bed, I go to bed dreading waking up. this is not the life I want.


I do not have health insurance, due to obamacare, I am looking into getting free state insurance but I don't even know if I can get it or that would cover going to see a doctor and getting on antidepressants which I greatly want to do.


my dad went to our small town doctor, told him what was going on, he prescribed them on the spot to him. he has insurance but not great insurance... but I didn't know doctors could do that. I thought they had to prescribe you to see a therapist then the therapist does it.


if anyone can just give me any advice I would appreciate it. sorry I am rambling I hope it's not a distraction.


thank you.

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One step at a time.


First - your boyfriend was not healthy for you. He has no income. He is living with his sister who intrudes constantly. He doesn't have transportation. He drags you down. He needs to get his life in order on his own. And you always did everything in the relationship.


I recommend a support group for abuse survivors. They are free.


I think you should look at what you are eating and continue to eat as healthy as you can. And take walks. Get outside. Look on link removed. It is cold outside but there may be nature hiking groups, people who like to ice skate, etc, or maybe a indoor sport. Sunlight helps depression and moving your body helps too.


You may not be depressed - just down because of the breakup and everything else right now.


Don't go to the doc and just get pills. Try something else first.


And there are free clinics in different counties for basic medical stuff. But i think you need other support otherwise you are falling into the same traps. A person isn't "the only thing good in your life". You need to find value inside.

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