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Getting Back Together with Ex/Friends with Benefits


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Hey everyone. This is my first time posting on any kind of forum site like this so any and all advice will be appreciated.

 

So just a couple days ago my girlfriend of about 10 months wanted to break up with me. She said she didn't deserve me and that she couldn't do this to me anymore. She said she wasn't in love with me but she thought she was for a long time. She still loves me and she has said that many times when I went to see her. I was madly in love with her. She is that one girl that you know is the one and nobody can tell you otherwise. We met in high school and started dating about midway through our senior year. It started by me asking her to prom. We decided to go on a date to just sort of get to know each other better before prom and it was the best date I've ever been on! We clicked immediately and had so many similar interests and similar sense of humor. I won't go as far as saying it was love at first sight but it was pretty close. I took her back to her car and before she got out and we were just talking I felt the need to kiss her. So I did and she kissed me back. After that we were pretty much inseparable for the rest of the school year and throughout the summer.

 

This is where it got tricky. We attend different universities but we normally see each other every other weekend. During summer and everything before that we barely fought at all and had a great time whenever we were together. We didn't plan on starting a relationship right before college but it just happened. The first 2 weeks of school she seemed distant and we weren't able to talk that much. When I finally saw after those 2 long weeks she said that something had changed. She felt like our relationship had gone south and she wasn't sure if she felt the same way about me. She was just so caught up in being at school and all the excitement of it that she didn't have as much time for me as she thought she would. It felt like I didnt matter anymore. This was the first time I started to feel nervous about our relationship.

 

She started bringing her roommate home every time she was home and we didnt get nearly as much time alone together as I would have liked. It's not that I dont like her roommate or anything because I like her a lot but I missed my girl like crazy. We werent as close becuase it was always me her and her roommate. Never just me and her except for at night when we had a little alone time. I talked to her about leaving her at school sometimes but she said she was worried about her being alone. (different story)

 

Once Christmas break came around and her roommate went back home up north and it was just us everything was amazing for a few weeks! Being together is what made our relationship great. While we were there we had a great time and spent a lot of time together. She really opened up to me and said that she had been stupid in the past and questioned our relationship but she asked me sincerely to keep fighting for her even if she gave up again. She promised me that she didnt want to lose me and that she could see a real future between us.

 

After that I relaxed a lot. I wasnt nervous about our relationship at all. After we went back to school I still felt good and calm about it but just a few days ago she said she wanted to end it. I drove all the way to her school and we talked it out. When I got there she was set on ending it. She told me that someone had kissed her before Christmas break. She kissed back for a second and then told him to never talk to her again and she hasn't since as far as I know. Don't get me wrong I'm very angry about that but I can't justify one screw up as small as that ruin a possible great future together after school. When I was there we both cried a lot and she felt very guilty about everything.

 

We held each other a lot and kissed and everything. Even joked around a little and got some dinner just to spend a little time together. We left it with a friends with benefits plan. I'm gonna see her this weekend after everything has sunk in a little more. I just want her back after I feel that I can trust her again. This wont be easy for her though. It's not the kiss that ruined it, its the lack of trust that I have for her now. As of right now I am not in love with her because of that. I still love her and I will fight for her no matter what. And she says she still loves me very much. I honestly think that her having a best friend (roommate) to rely on and being so stressed out at school has pushed her away. She says I didnt do anything wrong at all and I'm the best boyfriend she has ever had by far. I feel that fighting for her for a few years through school is well worth a great future together whether she sees it or not yet.

 

Please be honest about your thoughts on this. All advice is welcome. Thanks

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The real issue here is that you are both very young, too young to be thinking in terms of a permanent relationship, and I think she knows that and is trying to gently wind this down so that she can go out and experience college life as a young single girl where she gets to know who she is and experiments with dating rather than trying to lock herself into one boy.

 

You're not 'fighting for her' you are trying to hang onto the idea that she is your steady GF and this will all work out in the end if you only hang on long enough and settle for crumbs. What most likely will happen is that one day you will get a phone call saying she has a new BF at her own college, or she'll just see you less and less as she acclimates to being in her new college making new friends and dating new boys. I think she is trying to let you down easy, but at the same time, she is letting you know that you aren't her BF anymore, and she is getting out and intends to be available to date other guys.

 

So I think you need to see this for what it is, a high school romance that isn't surviving the transition to college. most of them don't, and in today's world, very few people marry their high school sweetheart. They get out there and are in the world another 7-10 years before they even consider getting that serious with anyone.

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Thanks for the input. Do any of you think that there is a chance that she may date for a while and realize that our relationship was something special? I plan on doing the same if she is going to date for a while and stay in touch with her. We have both agreed that we want to stay in each others lives no matter what happens. I'm not sure if I can just let her go like that. I cant agree with the idea of just letting the person you love more than anything go just like that. It's just confusing because she tells me she still loves me, she has kept our relationship status the same on FB, still wants to see me, regrets that damn kiss, tells me how great I've been to her, says she could see a future between us, and yet thinks we shouldnt be "dating" but we can still have sex and be friends. I don't get it.

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The thing is that the friends with benefits thing is just kinda to satisfy our needs and be in contact with each other until she figures herself out and I have time to think about whether I can trust her again. I really dont want someone else to come along and tempt me into something else. I'm just trying to see what happens right now and talk to her later this week to see how we feel after everything has had a little while to sink in.

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You are deluding yourself. She isn't going to change her opinion in a week.

She will string you along for her entire college experience... or until a better option comes along.

 

A wewk from now...she will say "I need more time...I love you but I am confused".

 

Wake up dude...love is not "confused".

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I do take your opinion seriously, but dont you think its pretty common for someone to be confused when they first get to college? I mean it's a total life change and theres a lot going on to make you think about things. I'm not trying to rationalize I'm seriously asking if you think that could be true. Not gonna lie I had the same type of feelings before we left for college but I didn't make a big deal about it and decide to end it.

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They are "confused" because the just walked into Baskin Robbins and found out that there are 32 flavors! And they thought they liked mint choc chip...so now they want to sample the flavors!!!

 

But no worries...until they find a new favorite...mint xhoc chip is always there for the asking!

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>>It's just confusing

 

Actually, it's not confusing, it's tempting.

 

What has probably happened is she's seen some cute guys and it's a smorgasbord of available people to date at college. So she want to go out there and sample some of them, without having to feel guilty, and so that she can also tell all of them that she 'doesn't have a BF' so it won't look like she's cheating. So it is about leaving her options totally open... to see you when she's in the mood, but to also be totally available to present herself to others as being single so she can date anyone else who strikes her fancy.

 

So she's back burnered you so she can have her cake and eat it too. You're her back-up plan, and she won't call you her BF because she wants her options open.

 

She may have felt 'guilty' about snogging that guy last week because she hadn't broken up with you yet. But now she gets to go off and have a guilt-free snog any time she pleases because you're not her BF anymore. So you can count on the fact that she'll be out there snogging that guy (or someone else, or multiple others) this weekend, and this time not feeling guilty about it.

 

I know this doesn't make sense to you because you don't want to snog anyone else and only want her. But from her perspective, she DOES want to snog other people and experiment and date whomever she pleases. So what you're doing is giving her the perfect opportunity to have her cake and eat it too. That is never a wise choice, but that gives her time to getting used to not having you around, while giving her chances to get out there and bond with whatever other guys she pleases. Great for her, sucks for you!

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I'm thinking she did a lot more than kiss someone else. It sounds like she slept with someone else, or wanted to, and feels guilty about it but doesn't want to come clean 100%. If you can't stomach the FWB, which I don't think you can, you should probably just break up.

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