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His mom is texting me...Do I respond?


DreamySkies

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My ex boyfriend's mother has continued to stay in contact with me throughout this break up. During the initial 9 weeks of the breakup, I didn't seem to care and looked forward to her messages. It gave me comfort. Then 14 days ago when we decided to go no contact, I told him that I wouldn't be able to maintain the contact with his mother, as it wasn't fair that he would have access to me through her. He agreed and said he understood. I did say I would text her and let her know this, but after I thought about it and spoke to friends, they said it was his place to tell his mom.

 

Let me back up a moment and state that I have had a health issue that was dx the same week (5 days post breakup) that was pretty intense. This caused those first 9 weeks of the break up to be anything but traditional. She was a huge support during this time.

 

The first week of no contact she reached out on day 4 and then again day 7 asking about me and to please let her know I'm doing okay. Well, here we are on day 14 and she texted me with the following

 

"Hi (name). Well I am trying again to get in touch with you. We will all be heartbroken if something has happened to you! Please get back to me. Love, (name)."

 

Her texts have been so difficult to ignore. I feel horrible about it. However, I am also of the mindset that by this point they have had to have spoken about me (he's very close with his mother) so it's not as if she can't be aware that we are currently going no contact. Prior to the NC, I had a period of about a week where I wasn't responding to his texts. His mom had sent me a text and I responded to ease her mind. Only for her to accidentally send me the response that was meant for him. Basically saying I had responded. However, I am not sure if it was an accident. She never responded to my text directly either. Which lead me to believe she was being sneaky in letting me know he was asking about me through her. I was irritated that she put herself in the middle, but in a way I have put her in the middle too. So I couldn't be too judgmental. At the end of the day, I know she just really cares about me. She has said this and expressed this to his sister and myself. She wants us to get back together. Her character is that of a very smart, active, older woman. Not some nut job that I wouldn't put any value on.

 

I'm just afraid if I respond I break NC and let go of what I've spent 14 days fighting for. I know she will tell him, even if it was not the intent of the message. How could she not? I'm torn though as I don't want to worry her, or hurt her.

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Why don't you just reassure her that you didn't die, thank her for caring and then tell her that you will be going no contact with her because staying in touch with her keeps you mired in your emotional connection to her son and you MUST heal from that breakup and get on with your life without him in it.

 

Wish her well and then don't respond to anything else from her or him. You don't owe them anything but your courtesy at this point so be kind but firm in what you need to get yourself to the point of indifference to him and anything about him.

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She's just being sincere because she possibly has grown to love you...It sounds as if she truly cares!!!

 

Maybe you should tell her that you love her and thank her for being concerned but that by her talking to you it's hard to heal but it may hurt her feelings so be careful how you word things.

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I would not assume that he's told her. You had said you would tell her and it's just as likely that he has deferred telling her thinking that you are going to. The texts don't sound like she knows what you and your ex agreed on or that she's part of it. Please just send her a text letting her know you are fine, that for now you will be out of touch while you are healing from the breakup. Thank her for being a good friend, explain it's not anything she has done wrong and that when things aren't so raw you'll be back in touch.

 

Then go NC and don't respond after that. I really don't think he's told her and I think you're assuming too much, so just send that one text so you know for 1000 percent that you have communicated what is going on. It's the right thing to do.

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Don't assume that your ex said anything to her and be polite to the mother. You do need to respond to her text and let her know politely that you appreciate her concern, that you are doing fine, however that you feel it's best that you all part company as you and her son are no longer dating, that you hope she understands this and is able to forgive you severing ties, that you appreciate having had her in your life, but you need to heal from the break up and move on. Well....word it nicely. Either way, don't be a jerk and respond and be clear what's up with her.

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>let her know politely that you appreciate her concern, that you are doing fine, however that you feel it's best that you all part company as you and her son are no longer dating, that you hope she understands this and is able to forgive you severing ties, that you appreciate having had her in your life, but you need to heal from the break up and move on.

 

^^

Yes, that is perfect. You need to send her one email where you make it clear that you really appreciate her concern and valued the time you had together, but since you and her son have split up, it will make it easier for you to heal if the two of you don't keep contact. Wish her well, then after that, just block her and don't respond to any more contact since you have let her know your wishes, and she needs to respect them.

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I would tell her "X and I decided since we are broken up it is best to not talk so we can move on and heal. I know you care, but it is hard for me right now to hear from you knowing X and I won't be together. I appreciate all you have done and wish you the best. I hope you can understand and respect that."

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I decided to call his mom. I wanted my response to be sincere and leave no room for misunderstanding or hurt feelings. She was very happy to hear from me. It was a really hard conversation and we were both really sad. She said that she still chokes up when she thinks about her son and I. And that the image in her phone is still of us together when either of us calls. I explained that we had decided to go no contact and that while it was a mutual decision, I didn't feel it was my place to reach out to him or her anymore since he is the one who broke up with me. That he's the one that has to take that step. She said he has been really worried about me and that they have been communicating back and forth whether or not I was okay often. (I haven't used social media or anything since the NC and there was a few messages that he sent the first weekend of NC that I ignored). She said she didn't know what he wanted or what he thinks about everything because he doesn't get into the details with her and she doesn't pry. She says that she knows he loves/loved me and is upset. That she has never seen him care or love someone so much. That it kills her because we were so good together. Which we were, but we also fought so much.

 

It just goes back to what it is. Only time will tell. I understand he was concerned and worried about me, but he didn't text me (outside that first weekend). So that says a lot. She wanted me to call him after we spoke and tell him I was ok. I told her I didn't feel that was a good idea because of the decision of going no contact. So she said she would call him and let him know. She would tell him either way, so I didn't object. She says that we need to sit down and have another conversation and decide what we're doing here. That leaving things in limbo like this isn't fair or healthy. I told her that was his decision. I was the one who has been adamant about giving us space and then restarting things, slowly, and cautiously later. He refused to acknowledge that and has instead left it open with this response "All I know is that we're going to need a good dose of space if what you're suggesting has any chance of being successful".. his exact text. She still thinks it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to reach out to him when I'm ready. I told her I understood but that I wasn't in a place to handle the rejection and that when the point comes for us to talk I truly felt there is only one last chance to make this work. I'm not comfortable jeopardizing that right now. Today is 15 days no contact. It feels like the first day most days.

 

Today I'm not nearly as upset as I expected I would be after talking to her. That's a perk.

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>She says that we need to sit down and have another conversation and decide what we're doing here. That leaving things in limbo like this isn't fair or healthy.

 

OK, here's the thing about mothers.. there is what SHE wants and what SHE thinks is right for her son, but he is an adult and will do whatever he wants to do. So she's having trouble with boundaries there and not understanding that her son is a grown-up and she's not his shrink either so not for her to say how you or he will behave.

 

And even more important, he could very well be out every night and banging 5 different women and loving every minute of it, and it is GUARANTEED he will not be telling his mother what he is up to if he knows she will lecture him or tell him he should be with you rather than someone else. He'll just quietly go about his business and she won't know what he is up to until he decides to bring a new GF home to meet her.

 

So now you hold the line with her too... don't let her interfere or give you any impression that she knows what is going on with him at all, because she most likely doesn't! She's interpreting things through her own lens, where she clearly wants you to be with him, when he has chosen an entirely different path for himself. You have to do what is right for YOU and not what is right for his mother. she's overstepping her bounds and needs to back off, from both of you.

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She made it clear she doesn't know what's going on in his head. Nor that should could give me hope or tell me what she thinks he wants now, or even later. That he was keeping that to himself. She doesn't even know the reason we broke up, i.e the constant fighting etc. He's a pretty reserved guy. I concur though, those were her feelings and her opinion, which is why I had to politely explain I didn't want to call him.

 

Everyone on the outside keeps acting so shocked we are broken up. Yet, as he has said best himself, they didn't see us fight. It wasn't physical or violent, but we were always tiffing. More as if we were in some weird tug of war cycle, constantly.

 

I'm still choosing to remain no contact. I'm not comfortable with a final rejection or even just seeing him right now. It's frustrating to have to decline (ignore) mutual invites, but I also know everyone else doesn't need an explanation. He'll either reach out or he won't, but I do have to keep moving forward. It's extremely difficult still... but there will be a day where it isn't. That's all I can hope for.

 

At the end of the day I only know how "I" am truly feeling. I do have confidence in the love we shared. The relationship we shared. I don't control his next step.

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