Is he testing me, or is he not interested?

[mcs557]

I made a post yesterday, but the details don't completely add up, so here's a more refined perspective of my situation:

 

1. 1.5 months ago, I met a guy through a friend. This guy immediately expressed interest in me on a date, flirting and touching me every time he could; he lightly touched me over my butt once. He also proposed to make food together, but because I wasn't comfortable with getting physical so soon, I declined making food with him. Was he testing my boundaries--to see if I'd be someone he'd see casually or seriously?

 

2. When we got back from the holiday break, I initiated lunch with him at work; this is a workplace I go to once a week. Unexpectedly, he invited another married female co-worker/friend to come along, so instead of the 2 of us, we had 3 people eating lunch. She oddly asked me questions about how to handle work-life balance, when should a woman ideally have kids, etc. I got along with her fine, and in fact, we are now friends. Was the guy testing to see how I would react to his female friend, or was he only interested in hanging out in groups?

 

3. One time, I purposely decided to go to the workplace without notifying the guy. There, I only had lunch with the married female friend; we bonded over the fact that she went to grad school with one of my childhood friends. Later, the guy found out I was at the workplace from the female friend, found me at work, asked how my weekend was, and caught up with me about the the childhood friend story. He proposed we get dim sum, to which I agreed. Since in my head, dim sum is meant to be enjoyed with more than 2 people, I invited 2 of my friends, and then he also invited the female friend, her husband, and his roommate. Did he intend to have a date with me, or was this another group outing?

 

4. Since he paid for the first date 1.5 months ago, I insisted that I treat him the next time; I dislike it when I feel like I owe someone something. At the same lunch at work, he wouldn't let me pay for him, since he owed the female co-worker lunch. He said to pay him back next time. At dim sum, I finally got to pay for him, and he thanked me by subtly caressing my shoulders, hugging me, and mumbling "see you at work" before we left the restaurant. At this point, is he still only interested in hanging out in groups, or seeing how I'd interact with more of his friends?

 

5. Between the times we meet in person, we only chat or text to sort out work or logistics. This is a guy that I'm physically and intellectually attracted to, but I'm the type of person that doesn't wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm friendly and approachable but am emotionally distant with people I don't yet fully trust. Now that I do know him better, I'm interested in dating him, but I don't know if he is still interested in me romantically. I'll see him again this Saturday for dinner with a large group of friends; one of my friends had actually set up this dinner for all of us. Assuming that he was testing me all this time, what should I do to communicate my interest before it's too late? Assuming my assumption is completely wrong, should I just move on, and let him be?

 

Any advice would be really great. Thanks!

[mhowe]

He isn't testing anything. He is not interested in anything more than hanging in groups.

[force]

To me it sounds like the girl you both had lunch with was asking questions he wanted to ask, like an interview. He could of asked her to come to see what she thought of you. Maybe he treads carefully and wants another opinion of a good friend. Sometimes hanging out in groups is a good way to get comfortable with each other first before asking someone for a solo date. I think he may be somewhat interested.

[chr8st8na]

Personally I am traditional when it comes to who initiate the 1st date... If the guy doesn't clearly say he wants to go out with me or ask me out, then I won't sit around hoping I get a clear signal. But some ladies will tell you to just be confident and ask him yourself... so it depends what type of person u r.

 

But if u like him, you need to show him clearcut that u like him too instead of being emotionally distant. Smile.. Tap your lashes... Body language ... Guys will usually pick up the cues. If he doesn't then yea maybe just give up if you can't tell him you r interested.

[greta96]

I don't see any testing here, I only see a guy who likes you as a friend but is careful not to give you the wrong idea by hanging out only with you, which is why he always makes sure to have other people present every time you hang out.

Hugging and lightly brushing your shoulder means nothing IME, it's a friendly gesture, and I always do it with my friends, male and female.

I truly believe that when a man is interested, he will let the woman know, even if in a subtle way if he's on the shy side. Men do indeed test women, but not for this long, and in a different manner that is nothing like this guy's behaviour.

I wouldn't do anything about it if I were you, if I did miss his signals and he is indeed interested in you romantically, rest assured he will let you know himself and you won't have to guess!

[Liraele]

I don't think he's interested. Sounds like he likes you as a friend, and that's the extent of it.

[mcs557]

Back in my situation in point 1, was he only interested in me sexually then?

[mhowe]

He was wondering if you would show up for dinner and sex.

You said no....and he isn't interested in casual or otherwise. He was looking for sex.

Put this guy in the friend zone...if that.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't see any testing from him either nor do I see him just wanting to get together for sex. You were introduced by a friend, I don't think he'd play it that way with someone that you and he mutually know.. My guess anyway... but i do see a lot of projecting on your part as well as wishful thinking that spins it so that it seems to you that he's actually interested in you. In actuality, to me it sounds like he's more interested in the married friend then he is you.

 

If you want to be more then just a mutual friend with the person that introduced you two then why don't you ask him out one-on-one for dinner. Tell him it's a date that you'd like just the two of you go on so that you get to know one another. If you're traditional and doing something like that would be akin to cutting off your own fingers then stop teaching him that all YOU want is simple friendship.

 

You know in my day we didn't have all this ambiguity because no one was much of a friend to a member of the opposite sex. We kept the blurred line of today sharp so that when a guy went out to lunch/dinner/drinks with you, we Knew WITHOUT a doubt that he wasn't looking to be your MALEgirlfriend but actually wanted a romantic relationship of some sort with you.

[mbee]

I also think he views you as a friend. From what you wrote none of this sounds like he was looking for just sex and I very much doubt he's testing you. I really think if you like this guy, you need to bite the bullet and ask him out on another date. Who knows why he's trying to friend zone you... maybe he's interested in someone else, maybe he got the vibe you weren't into him (you did decline making food with him), maybe he's too busy to date, maybe he's really shy but if you really like this guy then just ask him out. We are all adults. What do you have to lose here? Go for it!

[DancingFool]

He is so shy that he groped her on a date? *rolls eyes* No, I would think that he is plainly not interested in anything. He is not testing. He brought along other people to ensure that any further interactions are not seen as a date and cannot be construed as such. You don't make it a group thing when you are interested in a person romantically, you do that when you specifically don't want to be one on one with that person and give any romantic ideas.

[missmarple]

I also think he's not interested. He certainly doesn't sound shy.

[Sportster2005]

He doesn't sound interested. I think you are looking for too much meaning in the mundane. Things are usually as simple as they appear.

 

If you are going to be emotionally distant men might pass you up. Don't expect them to come around just because you all of a sudden decide you want to engage after being disengaged. It will be perceived as mixed signals and/or game playing.