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Boyfriend Issue - PORN


MISSCH

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My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. Hes 24 this year and im 26. We don’t live together (still live with parents). We have a good relationship .. enjoy each others company, make each other laugh, share the same interests etc. we really are each others “soulmate” and “the one” for each other. We want the same things out of life and we promise each other forever. We have had no arguments or fall outs in 4 years. No ‘breaks’. Nothing. We are compatible in every single way.

 

My boyfriend is quite cold hearted. I think is the word. Hes not very affectionate, doesn’t talk about his feelings, doesn’t show much emotion – although he was the total opposite for the first year we were together. But I understand you always are when you are getting to know someone. He gets irritated quite easily (his mam thinks its due to his severe dyslexia) and is a bit selfish sometimes. I accept all that. I am nowhere near perfect either and he doesn’t complain about my bad points. He seems to love me unconditionally and I feel the same way about him too.

 

However, a problem has occurred lately that is upsetting me. I will give you a full story so you can understand

 

He lost his job last year (made redundant) but the same company he worked for offered him another job in another office on an 18 month contract – which runs out in August this year. And lately hes been really fed up with the team hes working with, he reckons he wont get kept on after his contract ends so is looking for other jobs. He has stopped smoking cigarettes and weed (hes smoked both since he was 13 year old). And instead he plays his online games every night. Even the one night a week he comes to stay at mine hes on my computer for hours. I stay at his on a Friday and Saturday night and he stays at mine on a Tuesday, I go over to his house most other nights but come back home around 10pm as I get up for work early the next day.

 

We have stopped going out and doing things like cinema etc – all because we are saving money. I need a new car, he needs to fix his project car up – and we are saving bits of money for a house together eventually.

 

My problem is … sex! Like I said earlier in my post, we are compatible in every way. When we do have sex it is amazing, we both cum, we both enjoy it. But the problem is that we have gone down to ‘doing it’ twice a month.

 

I know the honeymoon period is over. We used to be at it every day or a few times a week, and its slowly dwindled down to this.

 

The other day I sent him a few rude pictures before going to bed. He ignored them and I later found he deleted them out of the messages on his phone. He come over to mine the day after, I laid on my bed naked as I always do, as he was on my computer playing his game, he come to bed and he was just not interested in touching me or cuddling or anything. We just watched a movie, kissed goodnight then went to sleep. I then went to his house the next night .. he was playing his game most the night, we chatted, I went home. I am able to log onto his email account, which also shows me his web search history. And I found that not much longer after I left his house he logged onto a porn site … I was a bit upset as if hes horny, im there and im never going to turn him down. I always want it!

 

I sent him a text message the next day and mentioned about us not being naughty for ages and I wanted to when I seen him later and it pissed him off. He said I should stop sending him texts like that and I should know he has things on his mind, how I should concentrate on getting myself fit (ive been dieting and exercising to lose weight – I need to lose a lot!) and stop being insecure. If it happens then it happens whether we are at his house or my house. It hurt me and I told him I just wanted to do something to make him happy. He assured me I make him happy always no matter what I do then told me not to go to his on the night. So I didnt.

 

I logged on to his web history that night, and he had been on porn sites. Which upset me even more. Hes only on them for a matter of 10 minutes .. just enough time to find one he wants to watch kinda thing. Then hes off them and onto another thing like ebay or something for a few minutes. Then I get the generic goodnight text we always send saying hes going to bed and that he loves me.

 

I know im in the wrong for snooping. But every single day since then, I go on and I find out that hes looking at porn after ive gone home or the nights im not there.

 

I use porn sites myself, im not a prude or anything. But I only use them because im not getting anything off him. I think as im losing weight my sex drive is going crazy and surely he should take advantage of that? In a way I do understand that sex requires effort and that some men just cant be bothered when they are tired/stressed/got things on their mind. I know women are exactly the same too.

 

I just don’t understand how he can look at these sites like 4 days a week and obviously masturbate, yet he only wants sex with me twice a month? He doesn’t watch a certain type of porn, and its not like I don’t do anything that these porn stars do. I do everything he wants because I love everything. We have experimented so much and ive dressed up and done everything like that. If he wants me to stop being so insecure .. does he not realise that by him not showing me affection and being intimate with me, yet watching porn this often, that it makes me feel even more insecure because I think its all my fault that I don’t have the perfect body yet? Regardless of how hard im trying.

 

I just don’t know what to do. I cant confront him about it because I cant say that ive been on his account and seen his search history – he wasn’t impressed with me the other year for looking on his Hotmail account and ended up changing his password – to which I still don’t know the new one. He will go mental and I don’t want to cause our first argument over something so stupid that shouldn’t even bother me.

 

I know he isn’t cheating on me because he never has the time away from me to do so. Hes a very honest and blunt person and says what he thinks and he doesn’t like to spend time with people who he doesn’t like. He has no ties with me (house, baby, money etc). So he has nothing to lose but my love and my heart and obviously my company if he ended this relationship if he wanted to, so that’s how I know he is generally happy with me.

 

I know someone will comment saying he doesn’t treat me right, but he does. Every other area of our lives hes the ideal boyfriend. I could sit here all day and justify how so you all know, but I haven’t got that time. I accept his game playing and how hes being moody and withdrawn because I know how hard it is to stop smoking cigarettes and weed and I know how hard it must be for him at work and to find another job what will accept his dyslexia.

 

I know this porn thing might just be his way of relaxing his over active mind before going to sleep or that masturbating is a quick few minutes for him whereas sex between us we take our time and make sure we are both satisfied.

 

I just need someone to give me a good shake and tell me to get a grip. That this is perfectly normal. That im just being insecure and over reacting. Or someone to give me some ideas of how I can make him more attentive and enjoy me instead of the porn.

 

Im sorry if this doesn’t make sense. I just needed to sit and type and rant and get it all out.

 

I literally have no one I can talk to about this.

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I think there are a lot of women out there who deal with similar issues as you have. I can't think of a man that doesn't regularly watch porno, unfortunately- it's taken over the Internet and the normal habits of men. Does it make it right? Probably not, but I think it's important that you don't just shake things off because you think you're being crazy, you're definitely not.

 

In this case, it seems like he is blowing off your needs and wants and using porno to release whatever sexual frustrations he might have. I don't think it's fair that he just nonchalantly puts your needs aside and thinks its not a big deal. I would sit down with him and talk to him seriously, let him know how much it bothers you that you're not having sex anymore and that you're trying really hard. You don't necessarily have to mention that you go through his web history, but ask him about his porno use and let him know it makes you uncomfortable when you're wanting sex.

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I don't know.

 

If you can't have a talk with him about what you found, then you really don't have as great a relationship as you're so desperate to believe you do. You should be able to have a discussion with him about his online habits, be they porn or game playing.

 

Perhaps the answer is to quit being up under each other so much and let him miss you every now and again. If he's used to you being up under him all week long, then he'll take it for granted.

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How can you know he wasn't watching it before you snooped? It is very possible he had done it for his whole adult life and for as long as you are together.

What upsets you here is that he masturbates instead of having sex with you. But for him, I am more then sure, its not just this or that - he will do both whenever he wants, because he can and because he gets horny too. You use porn for your reasons - he uses it for his. Doesn't mean he stopped loving you.

 

So address that issue. As I understood you never talked with him about how often you want sex? Because you are afraid that he will be angry that you know about porn. Does he know that you watch it too? If he is stressed now, you need to be supportive and wait a bit. In that time you can also finish your weight loss thing and be ready to surprise him. Sometimes men stop being horny when their GF is always there and up for it. Let him play a hunter when he is ready to deal with real woman) And stop snooping, if you claim to believe him and you say you have a wonderful relationship. People in wonderful relationships are satisfied with their life and they trust each other. Good luck!

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What I am going to say is going to hurt but he has lost attraction to you. He has a normal sex drive. Hes masturbating regularly but the real thing is right there naked in front of him and he turns it down...

 

Sometimes people get too used to each other and the sexual attraction can disappear. Maybe you guys need to fight a little. Let him know you may not always be around as hes obviously taking you for granted. Stop being so nice and available. Act busy for a week or two and avoid him. Give him some time to miss you.

 

When he asks you what is wrong-tell him your bored, he doesn't give you affection, the lack of sex is making you hunger a more passionate relationship and you are having some doubts about the future..

 

Let him chew on that for awhile. Hopefully the thought of losing you will be enough to kick his sex drive back into gear but if not then you may need to walk away.

 

Have you always been overweight? Were you this size when you met? If no, then its understandable why he has gone off you. (You said you need to lose a lot)

 

We all go up and down on a few pounds occasionally. I put on 10lbs when I lost my aunt to cancer but now I am back to my normal size again. During that time my bf still found me attractive.. but if I put on 10stone, I am sure that would be a different story altogether

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Just come right out and discuss the lack of emotional and sexual attention lately has you concerned and the fact that you two dont do anything but practically ignore one another all the while you are together is likely the reason why... because that is exactly why the sex has dwindled.

 

You dont have to even mention that you know he watches because porn isnt the issue. If anything him gaming all night long is more the cause of his lack of libido then the porn would be.

 

You are both bored and boring to be frank. Take him out and start putting your focus back on one another instead of wasting space in the same room while practically ignoring one another.

 

He should be made aware that your relationship is failing so talk to him because right now hes checked out.

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When he asks you what is wrong-tell him your bored, he doesn't give you affection, the lack of sex is making you hunger a more passionate relationship and you are having some doubts about the future..

 

Let him chew on that for awhile. Hopefully the thought of losing you will be enough to kick his sex drive back into gear but if not then you may need to walk away.

 

Have you always been overweight? Were you this size when you met? If no, then its understandable why he has gone off you. (You said you need to lose a lot)

 

 

I was much bigger when we got together. Over the past 4 years ive lost close to 6 stone. And I know he doesnt prefer "fatties" ... He encourages me with my weight loss and praises me when I say how much ive lost and stuff.

 

I think I just need to give him some space and let him miss me. See if that gives him the kick up the arse that it seems he needs.

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I think the porn usage is irrelevant, especially since you said he logs on for only 10 minutes at a time. He probably was looking at that much porn even when you two were having sex frequently. The problem here is that he's not having sex with you. It sounds like he's just becoming really lazy.

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Just come right out and discuss the lack of emotional and sexual attention lately has you concerned and the fact that you two dont do anything but practically ignore one another all the while you are together is likely the reason why... because that is exactly why the sex has dwindled.

 

You dont have to even mention that you know he watches because porn isnt the issue. If anything him gaming all night long is more the cause of his lack of libido then the porn would be.

 

You are both bored and boring to be frank. Take him out and start putting your focus back on one another instead of wasting space in the same room while practically ignoring one another.

 

He should be made aware that your relationship is failing so talk to him because right now hes checked out.

 

 

Thank you. This is exactly what I need to do.

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>He said I should stop sending him texts like that and I should know he has things on his mind, how I should concentrate on getting myself fit (ive been dieting and exercising to lose weight – I need to lose a lot!) and stop being insecure.

 

OK, so what he is saying is that he wants to control when you are intimate rather than you having the right to initiate. That IS a problem... it is not about you being 'insecure' it is about you being unhappy with the infrequency of your intimacies and him deciding when you should and shouldn't do it rather than negotiating that with you.

 

So that is the real issue, and you need to discuss that. And be prepared to talk about how often you feel is 'enough' for you, and negotiate that with him. If he is satisfying your needs, then the rest of it really isn't relevant and you shouldn't worry about what he is doing online as long as it is not cheating with other women.

 

btw, when people get comfortable in relationships, they can also get 'lazy' and focus on what works for them rather than checking in with their partner on what works for them. So for him, he is probably happy with the situation and has gotten lazy when it comes to putting himself out to go for intimacy with you rather than just taking the 'quicker' route to do himself alone.

 

But by making that choice, he is depriving you of what you feel you need in terms of the amount/frequency of it. So you need to talk to him and tell him that twice a month isn't cutting it for you, and you should work towards at least twice a week because that is the 'normal' amount that most couples have and frankly you are unhappy that you're not getting that, so it is not unreasonable for you to want/ask for that. He needs to make that time and effort for you, and if he's not, then you have a buddy where you get along in other areas, but not a true romantic partner.

 

He can be a great BF in other ways, but if he neglects your physical needs and says 'tough' when you ask for it, he's forcing you to be celibate or make the choice to cheat or leave the relationship to get it. He needs to care about your feelings, and work with you so that you are both happy with the amount/frequency, rather than just tell you 'too bad'. That's selfish of him. And physical intimacy is very important to keeping the bond strong in a couple.

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You start the thread by saying how amazing he is and how compatible you are and then proceed to contradict this for the rest of your post. Not arguing does not mean you have a good relationship. Conflicts within a relationship are normal. Not talking to him about this just so you can avoid a conflict is not normal.

 

Why do you want to be with someone that you describe as cold hearted and not affectionate? I don't see how that's a good partner. And sitting next to him while he plays video games is not spending time together. I dated a guy like that and it was lame. Sounds like he has gotten complacent in the relationship and knows you will not say anything to avoid conflict. Talk to him, give him a chance to fix it, deal with conflict, it's healthy. And if he won't fix it find another relationship that is more fulfilling for you.

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then the rest of it really isn't relevant and you shouldn't worry about what he is doing online as long as it is not cheating with other women.

 

I disagree with this portion of your insightful post, Lavender. ^^^ When the are ignoring one another and not stimulating, interacting, flirting, conversering and everything else that couples do when their partner isn't absorbed in online gaming, then they are not facilitating a bond with one another. An emotional bond. Sex starts in the brain and how you interact with one another. He is not interacting with her at all. That's a problem.

Working towards being sexually intimate twice a week will not take place as long as his head is stuck in the computer. He just won't be motivated when (if he's on their entire time together) he appears to be addicted to gaming. Its no different then any other addiction that causes problems with couple bonding and intimacy.

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I don't think it's anything to be concerned about... I feel like I have a healthy sex relationship and my bf watches porn. Heck I watch porn... We watch it together! This could be insecurity on your part. Maybe even his. Surprise him one night and suggest watching it! Bet he'll love it.

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Well done on the weight loss.

 

Sex is usually the last thing to go out the window in a relationship. he is distancing himself from you emotionally. You need to have a serious talk. He either wants to work on fixing it or the relationship ends now. It sounds like it has run its course. You go over to spend time with him and he ignores you by gaming or sticking on a dvd...

 

When was the last time you went out together? Date nights? Do you spend time with other couples occasionally or family together? Do you flirt with each other? Laugh together? Do you ever have deep conversations? When was the last time you tried something new in bed? When was the last time he hugged you for no reason? Or complimented you?

 

When you talk about the future, does he say "us, "we", "our" or is he just saying "I".

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