My trying to have a baby journal

[Circe]

Yup - I certainly did - so embarrassing!!

 

Ok so today I met up with my friend - friends since we were 11 and at one stage very close. Lost that closeness for a while because she irritated me too much - but regained it recently cause she went through such a hard time with a marriage break down.

 

She has a 3yr old recently diagnosed as being high functioning aspergers. Normally we meet by ourselves for a drink but today we had coffee and her daughter was there.

 

I absolutely loved this little girl as she too (like our cousins daughter ) is very affectionate - and kids that age are so incredibly soft and fun to cuddle and put up on your lap. When I left she ran behind me and hugged my leg and said that I couldn't go - which totally melted my heart.

 

The thing is .. I dunno. I can't say it without sounding critical and I don't want to be critical because my friend is now a single mum going through a really hard time.. But this is a journal after all so I'll just say it. These things bugged me:

 

1) my friend spelled the word autistic rather than saying it out loud as she didn't want her daughter to feel labelled BUT she spent several minutes talking about various fathers who murdered their little kids before killing themselves - and how worried she was her own husband might have done this (he's now in another country - left recently) in front of her!! I was like- wth?? I was a bit shocked she'd say this in front of the girl and so changed the topic.

 

2) while telling me how incredibly hard it is to raise kids she told me she felt guilty because one day her daughter jumped on her tummy while she was lying in bed because she was excited to see her mum and my friend was so angry her daughter hurt her that she picked her daughter up and threw her in anger (I imagine she landed on the bed unharmed but still -I ..urgh

 

3) her daughter is really adorable - which, I know, is easy for me to say - but my friend often has such a negative way of dealing with her. It was an issue in their fight for custody. The father said my friend was too combatant and harsh with the daughter. My friend said the dad erred too far in the opposite direction and spoiled her and made her behaviour worse.

 

I dunno - I know my friend and I know she has a loving heart - but .. Urgh I hate writing this because I don't feel right judging a friend who is going through so tough a time.

 

But the honest to god journal truth is that I feel sorry for her daughter and think my friend should try a bit harder. I feel carp saying that because my friend is already so exhausted and I personally have no clue how hard it must be. I dunno - I just didn't like it.

 

 

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[redrose85]

I think your friend needs to have a babysitter come in once a week so she can have alone time, do whatever it is she needs to do, and come back refreshed. I think just like relationships, people need space from each other in little bits. I know when you're a parent, it's 24/7, but in her case, if she's already going through a lot of stress, with her daughter being the main person around, she is going to get a bit of the fallout from that. It's sad because she's just a little girl, but it's true. Talking bad in front of her though, that is just wrong. Throwing her in anger, that's scary.

[Seraphim]

Your friend needs to belong to an ASD support group. They discuss a lot of coping strategies and you meet with other parents with the same challenges. It is so sad that so many disabled children end up abused because parents can't handle it. Really what they need to do is beef up their support system not take disability out on their child. Their child didn't ask to be born disabled.

 

I feel sorry for the little girl. My son also has very high functioning Asperbergs.

[Seraphim]

As an adult survivor of child abuse I just I really have to dig to the bottom of my heart to find compassion for people who abuse children. I really really do. I don't know you'd be a much better friend to her than I could ever be. Because if I ever saw anybody throw their three-year-old I probably grab them by the neck. And even if somebody told me they abused their child I would probably drop them as a friend because I just couldn't take it.

 

You have a wonderfully compassionate heart. Please tell her though to find an ASD group in her area. Because if she can't handle a three-year-old I hate to tell her she has a lot more coming.

 

I do childcare for the children of the parents going to the ASD group in my area.

[Circe]

I think your friend needs to have a babysitter come in once a week so she can have alone time, do whatever it is she needs to do, and come back refreshed. I think just like relationships, people need space from each other in little bits. I know when you're a parent, it's 24/7, but in her case, if she's already going through a lot of stress, with her daughter being the main person around, she is going to get a bit of the fallout from that. It's sad because she's just a little girl, but it's true. Talking bad in front of her though, that is just wrong. Throwing her in anger, that's scary.

 

 

Yeah.. This is true and I agree with it. But - up until last week when her husband left the country their arrangement was one week with him, one week with her. So she had a week "off" every other week. Also she currently lives with her parents and her mum helps a lot.

 

I know that it would still be tough - the split time would have been hard and stressful and a grown woman living bCk in her parents home would be stressful too.

 

I think she needs the ideal life to really make it work we'll. A living supportive husband, no financial trouble and paid help. When life gets more stressful than that she finds it hard to cope.

 

 

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[Circe]

As an adult survivor of child abuse I just I really have to dig to the bottom of my heart to find compassion for people who abuse children. I really really do. I don't know you'd be a much better friend to her than I could ever be. Because if I ever saw anybody throw their three-year-old I probably grab them by the neck. And even if somebody told me they abused their child I would probably drop them as a friend because I just couldn't take it.

 

You have a wonderfully compassionate heart. Please tell her though to find an ASD group in her area. Because if she can't handle a three-year-old I hate to tell her she has a lot more coming.

 

I do childcare for the children of the parents going to the ASD group in my area.

 

I think I'm a bit in denial because she's my oldest friend and for about 8yrs or so we were like twins.

 

Do you think it's abuse if she threw her and she landed on the bed?

 

First I don't know she landed on the bed - I'm aSsuming because at this point that's all I can accept (not accept as an ok thing - but accept as having happened) .. And I was too chicken to clarify further.

 

Second - I don't know if I'd ask that qn if it wasn't such an old friend. I'd probably be quite clear on what I thought it was.

 

I feel a bit stunned about it all. It's the throwing thing that got to me and the fact that she's always telling this little girl off - sometimes for being naughty - but often for just being a little girl.

 

I know you're being nice Vic but I guess we both know that ignoring something that's wrong isn't always being a friend. I'm just being a chicken because I don't know what to say. She knows herself that the throwing was wrong as she feels guilty. I probably should dig a bit more Bout how she's coping and talk to her about it. I'll have to think about how to do this.

 

Also, she is already a member of at least one support group for parents with kids on the spectrum ..

 

Urgh - I'm hoping once the stress of the marriage split clears it will be better but in my heart of hearts I don't really think so.

 

What do you think I should do Vic? Talk to her more candidly about it?

 

 

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[Seraphim]

Yes ,I do think it's abuse to throw a child in frustration or anger . She could have severely injured her daughter whether she landed on the bed or not. The child could have easily fallen off the bed when she was thrown. There is shaken baby syndrome which can happen from throwing. Yes ,I do think it is abuse.

 

So is always telling off a child. I know she's frustrated but that is emotional abuse to her three year old. She really has to get herself under control. I'm sorry that she broke up with her husband but that is not to be taken out on her child.

 

Personally, if I was her friend I would tell her that unless she gets herself under control and learns some control and how to vent frustration properly you'll have to report her for child abuse.

 

I know that would be very hard to say to a friend but this little child has no voice. Your friend has a voice and she's an adult and she can get herself some help. Children have no voice and can't get their own help. And the child should not have to pay because their parents can't themselves together.

 

But it's obvious to me that she told you about that and she doesn't even realize it is abuse.

[redrose85]

There is no ideal life. Knowing more about the situation, I feel a lot less sympathy for her.

[Seraphim]

link removed

Here is what our federal police force considers to be child abuse.

[Catherine_3]

When we are in a dark place and have a lot of anger we haven't dealt with appropriately, we tend to take it out on our kids. Telling someone it's wrong isn't the solution because we already know it's wrong. But our emotional state is always going to be reflected more in our parenting than anywhere else in our lives.

 

It's not an excuse and I agree that if the abuse continues, the authorities may have to brought in.

 

But the solution is for her to deal with her emotional state.

[Circe]

Hi guys - haven't been on here during Semester. It's so hard to find any time when classes are on. I'm currently doing a combined Masters and PhD so the workload is really heavy (especially when trying to balance it with husband, family and friends too).

 

So update on this - I am 7 weeks pregnant! Woohoo.

 

I had to push back "trying" for several months (to get my thyroid under control - and then I waited an extra month to make sure the OBGYN I wanted would be in the country for delivery - just in case I got pregnant on the first go).

 

And then - the first month we tried - unbelievably it happened. I truly thought it would take a while (perhaps a long while) so when I glanced at the pregnancy test and saw two lines I was extremely surprised.

 

So I must say - I thought it would be different. I didn't think I'd spend every day of the pregnancy worried about a miscarriage! Jeez. I try to tell myself that more people deliver healthy babies than those who don't but ... oh - its crazy. A baby is life changing but knowing you have one on the way - BUT - any day could be the say you find out that .. it didn't work out .. it's such a weird feeling. It truly stops me from being very happy or thinking or planning etc.

 

I have told myself that if it doesn't work out its because it was meant to be and we'll simply keep trying.. but I'm not sure how much comfort that actually gives me. Wow - I truly didn't know I'd be so .. I don't know if negative is the word but - so unable to focus on the positive... and have so many walls up to my own emotions that I don't even feel truly happy because I need to protect myself against .. it not working out. I didn't think I'd be like that.

 

Anyway - it's so far so good. My thyroid has gone out of whack because of the pregnancy and I'm currently working on fixing it. I may have a UTI (an infection) - or I may not - but I'm taking antibiotics just in case (safe ones) .. but otherwise all is well. I have to inject myself with blood thinning medication every day but that's a breeze now.

 

And next week I'll have my first scan

[Seraphim]

Congrats to you!!! That is awesome!

[redrose85]

It will all work out just fine, you’ll see. How are you feeling? If you’re feeling sick, that’s a great sign!

Very happy for you!!

[sophie274]

Congrats! That's great news! I was just thinking about this thread the other day and wondering how it was going. I hope you get the thyroid and UTI thing resolved and start feeling less anxious so you can enjoy your pregnancy. Have you told anyone?

[OptomisticGirl]

Yay!!!! Congratulations Circe!!!

[Circe]

Thanks guys I'm not sick at all!!! lol that's probably another thing worrying me. Every day I look at my app on my phone and it says stuff like: "Morning sickness getting to you" er.. no. "Mood swings hard to handle?" Er.. no, no mood swings here..

 

lol - don't get me wrong I am really glad I'm not having morning sickness - that would be a hard one for me as food is my biggest comfort item and it would be super tough not to be able to rely on a warm yummy meal several times a day!

 

I do get waves of extreme tiredness (where I feel like I've taken sleep medication or something) and I get twangy pains in my tummy but they aren't very strong.

I don't think I'll really believe there's anything in there until the scan - which is just 5 days away now!

 

I've told my parents (they had the funniest reaction - they said 'oh' and then mum talked about her optifry (a cooking appliance she recent bought) for 20 minutes straight). It was so awkward my husband and I nearly giggled. But that's not far from what I expected from them. They are SUPER superstitious - they basically don't want to talk about it until its much closer to the end - but I know they're very happy since they've been lightly pressuring for years now.

 

My MIL and BIL were happy - but gosh they grill me with the questions. My husband got up to go to the bathroom and my BIL said "now that he's gone... how did he react to the news?" -- I guess we're not the most communicative son/daughter in law in the world so they don't really know what was going on in terms of kids. For all they know I've really wanted kids for years and my husband's unsure (for all they know). I just said we were both surprised by how quickly it happened. I don't know - I feel awkward talking about it in real life. Maybe because I'm not used to talking to people about personal things. I'm usually the listener.

 

And one very good friend knows. I didn't want to tell but when I told her "I still can't drink" (at our catch up - our catch ups always revolve around wine) she said "are you pregnant?" - and in that moment I didn't want to lie to her.

 

Oh - and my PhD supervisor knows. I just wanted to make sure that everything would be ok - and I felt I should tell him asap to ensure goodwill and all of that.

 

LOL - and two friends who are also OBGYNs know (because I've asked them for advice on a couple of things).

 

Oh no - lots of people know! lol Nevermind.

 

Argh - it's such a long wait until second trimester and even then - a good friend of mine lost hers at 14 weeks, I think I don't think I can let myself get truly excited until - 35 weeks I'm definitely not buying Anything until the last possible moment - nothing but window shopping for essentials until then!

[OptomisticGirl]

I am so stinkin' happy for you!!

 

Will ya'll find the sex out when the time comes or let it be a surprise?

[Circe]

Thank you so much OG Yes we'll find out asap - apparently there's a new test (it's a better test for down syndrome - something like 99% accurate - but it also can tell you the sex. They don't do it here in Australia so we have to send our blood off to the US and then they mail back the results.. so because of that I'll probably find out the sex around the 12-13 week mark - only a month away!!

[Circe]

Ahh .. I was going really well with not having weird pregnancy mood swings but lately feel a bit all over the place.. Crying at silly things .. Mostly I haven't been taking it out on other ppl but a few weeks ago I majorly lost my temper at my husband (when we were alone) for sharing a dish with his extremely sick (needed antibiotics) brother. "What if you got sick? We live together the chances of me then getting sick would be so high! .. Do you not know that a woman's immune system is lowered in pregnancy and if I get sick it can end in fevers and flus that could hurt the baby? what??? You didn't know??? (Building rage truly reaches volcanic proportions) ... If you had done a fraction of the research that I've done you would know ..(and wait now it gets really bad) ... If you cared a fraction of the amount I care.. What ??? You care the same?????? I spend every second of my existent constantly thinking about what's good and bad for this baby - I'd never have made that mistake!"

 

Oh god it was so bad. My poor husband - it was awful for me because we don't usually have fights like that so when the storm in my head was over I was left feeling absolutely dreadful .. And while he understood it was pregnancy emotions .. I feel so bad for him. He went and read a second book on pregnancy.

 

I do feel though that I get stressed and upset a lot easier than usual and often a little irrationally so.

 

weddings...

 

Slight non baby detour vent.. My friend is getting married in a few months. She's a good friend - I set her up with her future husband and I'm going to be master of ceremonies at the wedding. But gosh it is costing us. She's having a weekend wedding in a little country town with limited accommodation on a long weekend. We booked accommodation months in advance because it is a popular holiday area. Because it's a long weekend we were forced into booking three nights although we only need two .. So now accommodation alone is costing $750 all up (pricey area). Her bachelorette party has been arranged and the cost for attending that is $200. So now I'm doing the distasteful thing of complaining about a friends wedding but really ... It's a lot of money!

 

My BIL is stressing me out. He's engaged to a drop dead gorgeous woman who is from the other side of the world - so far she spends half the year here and half the year there. She's lovely and open and fun but she doesn't work and is not responsible with money. He makes comments which drive me up the wall.. Like..

 

"In the beginning she had the power because I liked her more but now I have the power because she loves me more than I love her so she'll do anything for me" (urgh - urgh - urgh ... Why would you want power in a relationship???????????)

 

"C is bisexual" (who cares??????????? Stop going on about how non homophobic you are when you constantly constantly constantly bring the issue up (not just her sexuality but other ppls) and go on and on about it.

 

And now he knows we are having a baby the inane talk moves into babies. It started with how he may adopt because C may not be able to have kids (no there is absolutely no reason to believe she couldn't ... Also BIL - you do realise don't you that male infertility is half the problem???" ... This lead to me saying I'd really like to donate ovaries but I'm uncomfortable with just relinquishing responsibility for a biological child ... This lead to his irrelevant, illogical and inane comment that ppl who struggle to have children (need donor eggs or adopt etc) love their children more and make better parents than ppl who don't so I wouldn't have any sensible reason to worry about what might be happening to my biological child.

 

Urgh. Why do I even bother he is so frustrating.

 

baby update

 

All is well so far. 8 week scan showed a tiny baby and strong heart bear - my husband was amazed .. I was a bit underwhelmed - not sure why.. But two weeks later we had another. The baby was bigger and was doing what looked like star jumps - it was so adorable my heart melted. We have just done the Harmony test so in two weeks will have info on Downs .. And gender!!! This test has only been around recently but I'm so excited to know the gender. My husband has a preference for a girl but I truly have no pref.

 

I am now 11 weeks .. I suppose in a while I'll have to tell close friends. For whatever reason I want to keep it a secret till birth (of course not possible). I'll put it off as long as I can I guess!

[OptomisticGirl]

Glad to hear everything is going well with the baby!

 

We saw this little onesie today with sharks on it today (we are both huge shark lovers) and it just melted my heart. Even L smiled a little at it and he doesn't smile over baby stuff often!

[redrose85]

Oh weddings are so expensive! I am pretty sure that we’re going to end up spending at least $1500 to go to SIL’s wedding. We’ve got to travel accross Canada, so gas money, food money, pit stop money, wedding gift, hotel in the wedding city. We are complaining... would have much rather spent this money on Hawaii, but I know it wasn’t cheap for a lot of people to come to ours, so we are just making the best of it.

 

I kind of like it that you told us about the baby before IRL people lol. It sounds like everything is going really well!

[Batya33]

Good luck!! I kept mine a secret until I was through the first trimester. I wasn't showing yet so it was easy in that way. I understand about you getting upset about your husband's "risky" behavior -I felt the same way. I made more than one phone call to soft serve ice cream/yogurt places to ask about the cleanliness of their equipment (fear of listeria infection) and didn't know that the "deli meat" issue included all deli meats until my second trimester - but no ill effects from anything, thank goodness! I can relate and I know it's hard to keep your reactions at a certain level. Glad all your scans are going well!

[lavenderdove]

You don't have to tell anybody until you feel ready to tell them! That really is your choice.

 

re: infection, he is just as likely to get infected taking getting his change from the hand of the supermarket person who has a cold/flu and hands him the money. Or eating at a salad bar where he touches the same server fork that 40 other people have touched that day. Try to keep those things in perspective. He shouldn't go snogging someone who has the flu, but the world is FULL of pathogens and viruses and bacteria all around us, and you'll wear yourself out getting bent out of shape about random cases you happen to see while pregnant or when your baby is young.

 

If something especially upsets you then avoid it for your piece of mind, but honestly, the world is full of viruses and bacteria, and that is what your immune system is for. Babies raised around mothers who are obsessed with disinfecting everything actually are shown to have worse trouble than mother's who accept a more normal approach to cleaning. Babies need that exposure to have a healthy immune system. So tell your husband he needs to avoid snogging anyone with a cold and wash his hands after going to the lavatory, but otherwise live a normal life and don't obsess about it.

 

Btw, the brother in law sounds like a ninnyhammer. I just wouldn't pay attention to much that he says or take him seriously. Let him blather on and ignore him with no comment.

[Seraphim]

I had several killer colds when I was pregnant and I had a perfectly healthy baby. I know it is natural to worry every mother does but like lavender said keep things in perspective. Perfectly healthy babies are born to mothers around the world including the Third World where there is disease everywhere. We have survived as a species pretty well.

[Batya33]

"Babies raised around mothers who are obsessed with disinfecting everything actually are shown to have worse trouble than mother's who accept a more normal approach to cleaning. Babies need that exposure to have a healthy immune system. So tell your husband he needs to avoid snogging anyone with a cold and wash his hands after going to the lavatory, but otherwise live a normal life and don't obsess about it."

 

I've heard this and also know that depending on the mother/baby's circumstances it's often extremely important to protect a vulnerable newborn (or pregnant woman). There's no need to be obsessed but for example my friend has been told by her doctor not to let anyone hold her baby until he is 6 weeks old because he was born at a lower birth weight because of an intrauterine condition. When my baby was under 3 months old the H1N1 virus was rampant and he couldn't yet be vaccinated so I kept him out of ultra crowded spaces and limited who could hold him. I am definitely more into the hand washing/sanitizer but not obsessed. I made anyone who entered my home remove their shoes and wash their hands whether they were going to touch the baby or not.

 

My child is 5 and he's had very few illnesses (only one ear infection and a few short illnesses with fever) and a cold maybe once a year. I'm not sure if that's because of my efforts or not. He certainly is exposed to children all the time in many different environments.

 

I've heard about the benefits of toddlers eating dirt, etc and not using sanitizer -I believe in more of a balance and not labeling someone obsessed at the drop of a hat just because the sanitizer/wipes are in full view....